Sarah Palin relaxed in bed with her husband Todd. “Campaigning to be Vice President is crazy. It’s nice to have a little time back home in Alaska to get my bearings.” She closed her eyes to go to sleep but was woken by loud music and shouting outside. “Not those Russian neighbors again!” Palin yelled. She looked out the window to see that the house across the water from them seemed to be having a party. “Putin! What’s he up to?”
“That guy is always causing trouble,” Todd said. “He uses his leaf blower at odd hours, doesn’t take care of all his weeds, and invades Georgia.”
“Can’t we complain about him to the HOA?”
Todd shrugged. “I think the HOA’s authority ends at the Bering Strait.”
Piper walked in the bedroom carrying Trig. “The loud noise woke Trig and he started crying.”
“Well, this is too much then!” Palin exclaimed. “It’s like they’re having a whole Communist party over there.” She heard rumbling overhead. “Are those jets? Are they flying jets over our house?”
“That’s got to go against both noise ordinances and international treaties,” Todd grumbled.
Palin got out of bed. “I guess we better do something about it then.”
Todd shook his head. “Shouldn’t we leave this up to the military?”
“We’re not going to be one of those states always looking to the federal government to solve our problems.” Palin snapped her fingers in the air. “Willow! Get my moose gun!”
* * * *
“Turn the music up louder!” Putin ordered. “Let us celebrate the Russian empire! Soon we will take back Georgia! Then we will conduct our secret plans to take back Alaska and cripple the U.S. economy. Next, we will take over the universe! It will be under Putin’s control! Me! I’m Putin! Muh ha ha ha ha!”
“Turn that racket down!” someone shouted. “And stop flying your jets over my property!”
Putin looked across the Bering Strait to see Palin standing in front of her house in her nightgown holding a rifle.
“You do not tell the Russian empire what to do, stupid hockey mom!” Putin yelled. “We are the great Russia, and you are but woman. We laugh at you! Ha ha ha ha!”
“You’re asking for it, Dobby!”
“Bah! I pay you no more mind!” Putin turned back to the party. “Make the music louder or I send you all to gulag!”
There was a loud gunshot, and a fighter jet plummeted out of the sky exploding in Putin’s garden. “My prize rose bushes!” Putin screamed.
“Hey, Poot-poot, know what’s the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull?” Palin held her rifle in the air. “The moose gun!”
Putin shook his fist at her. “You will pay for this, foolish woman! You will be dead from the us killing you! We will–” A shot flew past Putin’s head. “Flee!”
* * * *
“Finally, some rest.” Palin went to sleep, but was soon woken by a noise downstairs. “What’s that?”
“Could be a burglar,” Todd said. “I guess I’ll check it out.”
“No, it’s my turn to kill the burglar.” Palin got out of bed and crept downstairs. Rummaging around the kitchen was a giant bear. “Not a bear in house,” Palin groaned. “Taking care of bear’s in the house was Track’s job.” Plain turned around to see Willow standing behind her. “Fetch me the Bowie knife.”
“Can’t we just shoot it?”
“What did I tell you about firing guns in the house? Now get me the knife, Willow.”
“I forget where it is.”
“Well where did you last see it?”
Willow thought for a moment. “I think in a deer’s neck.”
Palin rolled her eyes. “I guess we’ll have to improvise.” She crept over to the piano. “And we just got this tuned.” She ripped out a piece of piano wire and walked towards the bear. “Hey! Yogi!”
The bear stood up, and Palin jumped on its back, wrapping the piano wire around it’s neck. “You got in the wrong house, bear!”
The bear failed around, knocking over furniture. Palin held on tight. “Strangling a bear is a lot harder than I remember.”
Todd came down stairs. “Honey, if you had to strangle a bear, you should have called me.”
Palin struggled to keep hold of the bear. “I’m a modern woman; I can do this myself.”
“I’ll help loosen him up for you.” Todd ran over and started punching the bear in the gut. Soon, it fell down dead.
Piper ran over and kicked the fallen bear. She held her hands in the air triumphantly. “I helped!”
“You sure did, sweetie.” Palin looked around. “Now how did it get in here?” She noticed the front door was wide open. Outside, she could see their trash was knocked over.
“You should be careful with your trash,” Putin laughed from across the Bering Strait. “That can attract wild animals.”
“I know you’re behind this, Putin!” Palin yelled. “You’ll not get away with this!”
“Bah! You cannot threaten Russia! You do anything, we will point nuclear missiles at you!”
Palin scoffed. “So what? You can nuke whole sections of Alaska and we’ll never even notice.”
“You think you’re tough, hockey mom, but you will soon see that– She’s got the moose gun again! Flee!”
* * * *
“Maybe we should just move,” an adviser told Putin.
“Are you crazy mad!” Putin shouted. “You want to put my house for sale in this market? No, we figure out way to get by this silly hockey mom. We need to find advance technology that is immune to moose gun.”
“But nothing can resist a moose gun!” the adviser exclaimed. “Especially not moose!”
“It no matter!” Putin said. “I have plans that will not fail.” He pointed to a whiteboard he had propped up behind him. “Alaska will soon be mine!” He heard a loud noise. “What is that? Aieee! Snow machines!”
“Out of the way, Ruski!” Todd Palin raced right through Putin’s house on a snow mobile. Putin dived to the floor as Todd smashed right through his whiteboard.
“My plans!” Putin screamed.
“I’m winning! Yeah!” Todd yelled as crashed through one of the doors. Numerous snow mobiles followed close behind.
Putin got up and shook his fist at the snow mobiles. “You will pay for this! I will–” Putin was bowled over by a pack of dogs.
“The Iditarod is through here, right?” asked a man on a sled.
“Alaskans!” Putin screamed. “Foiled again by that hockey mom! Maybe she’ll be elected vice president and move away.”
“But I like Obama,” Putin’s adviser said. “I even call the Democrats to ask how I can help. They sent me a box full of absentee ballots for someplace called ‘Ohio.'”