Archive for November, 2008

Jim Jones was a Community Organizer

Friday, November 28, 2008 11:10 am

Just sayin’

He also pioneered the drinking of some sort of ‘special’ chilled, from-powder beverage.

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Thanks

Thursday, November 27, 2008 12:18 am

To the One from whom all blessings flow

From the unworthy ones living here below

For the Light You’ve given to show Your Way

For the friends who’ve graced us day by day

For the ones who blazed the paths we tread

For the ones whose blood was, for freedom, shed

For the ones You’ve given us for neighbors

For uncountable times You’ve granted favor

May we seek You more each passing hour

And tremble at Your might and power

Lest we forget our humble station

You bless America, we bless You — Your nation

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Maverick Going Back To Senate, Seek 5th Term

Wednesday, November 26, 2008 3:50 pm

Reference: GOPUSA
I can’t wait to see if McCain’ll remain the stalwart conservative he’s always been…..

OH MAN!, I just could NOT keep going on that one. Sides were hurting from laughing too hard.
Summary: Dem. Supermajority complete.

Well, at least Gov. Palin is helping out Chambliss in GA. So maybe they won’t get a super-duper majority.

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lolterizt! Part 69

Tuesday, November 25, 2008 7:50 pm

This week terrorists, next week That One. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ‘em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.



[reference link]


PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Snapped Shot for handy links to ripe-for-captioning photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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The most trusted name in made-up news

Tuesday, November 25, 2008 12:21 am

According to a recent Zogby poll, “37.6% of those surveyed, news sources on the Internet are considered to be the most reliable.”

More than Fox News. More than CNN. More than MSNBC. More than the New York Times.

Think about that for a minute.

I mean, if people believe the Internet more than news organizations, does that mean that they don’t trust CNN, but do trust CNN.com?

I don’t think so.

There’s something else on the Internet they trust. And what could that be?

BLOGS!!!

Yes, blogs — such as this blog — are the most trusted source of news. That has to be it!

As a dues-paying member of the Internets, I, for one, am proud of the faith you have placed us.

Misplaced faith, to be sure. But we’re not about to let your misguided notions of who to trust go to our heads.

We’ll continue to make up stuff about liberals, never ceasing, never tiring, never stopping, ever growing, ever moving, ever rising till … well, you get the idea.

Like CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, the New York Times, or any of those “news organizations,” we’ll continue to be make stuff up and to have a tremendous bias.

Unlike CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, the New York Times, or any of those “news organizations,” we’ll continue to be open and honest about making stuff up and about our bias.

You can trust us on that.

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Promotion?

Monday, November 24, 2008 8:23 pm

Can we get Hellen Jones-Kelley a job with the Hawaii State Department of Health so that we can FINALLY get a look at Obama’s birth certificate?

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Monday Open Thread

Monday, November 24, 2008 11:20 am

Have YOU…

…checked your ammo stockpile?

…planned your route to unoccupied territory?

…punched a hippy today, while it’s still legal?

Also… for our friends behind enemy lines.
The chair is against the door. Uncle Bob has a big mustache.

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Who’s who

Saturday, November 22, 2008 4:45 pm

I’ve noticed something odd. Or odd to me, anyway.

It’s happened a couple of times. And it relates to how people view this blog.

Harvey wrote a post recently. And someone, in the comments, referred to him as “Frank.”

It’s happened more than once. Thinking someone else was Frank J. And it’s happened to more than Harvey. It’s happened to Cadet Happy. It even happened to me.

Now, how someone could confuse me and Frank J. is beyond me.

For one thing, I’m older. And taller. At least, I think I’m taller. I don’t know for sure. I’ve never met Frank J. I suspect he’s, oh, 5’11” or so. Heck, he might be taller. I’m 6’2″ … but I could be short next to Frank J. He might be 7’4″ and play for the Celtics. Except they pronounce it “SELL-tix” when it’s actually “KELL-tix” so what do they know.

Anyway, this strange phenomenon means that people either…

a) don’t read the byline on the post. I mean, it says clear as day “posted by Harvey” or “posted by Frank J.” or whatever the name of the person posting is. Do people not read that part? Is it because it’s the boring part?

Actually, it’s the only part that bloggers care about. “Posted by Basil” for instance is the only part I care about.

All that nonsense that follows the byline? Junk. Means nothing. Just words. Heck, I don’t even know what I’m talking about half the time. Okay, three quarters of the time. Oh, alright. All the time.

But it doesn’t matter. It’s the byline that’s important. It has my name. Or Harvey’s name, if Harvey wrote it. Or Frank J.’s name. Or Cadet Happy’s name. Or SarahK’s name. Or SpaceMonkey’s name. Or… well, you get the idea. And a good understanding of why the part after the byline is crap. I mean, have you even read this post?

For all I care, I could be writing Latin nonsense. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. See? My point, exactly.

Oh, yeah, there was another possibility, wasn’t there. It was…

b) people think Frank J. posts everything here. And that could be it. Maybe people think that all the little voices in Frank J.’s head come out to play sometimes, and write their own posts.

Like we’re all Frank J.’s sockpuppets. And maybe “sockpuppet” is the wrong word. In its earliest form, it was simply an alias; today, it’s more like a fake identity to praise another identity.

So, maybe I’m simply an alias for Frank J. And you are Frank J.’s sockpuppet, telling him how great he is and how much you enjoy his posts. Ever think about that? Scary, huh? Like a Twilight Zone episode.

But what’s the answer?

Are Harvey, SarahK, SpaceMonkey, et al, simply pseudonymns for Frank J? Or are people simply not reading the bylines?

No, they are real people. Every one of them.

At least, that’s what we want you to believe.

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Nervous Laughter

Saturday, November 22, 2008 11:30 am

Do you get this feeling when all the conservatives are laughing at Obama’s “change” — his Clinton-retread cabinet choices and how it looks like he’s not going to overhaul as many Bush’s policies as promised — they’re really just thinking, “Crap; he’s not going to be as big a disaster as we thought.”

I mean, I still hold out hope he’s going to be liberal enough to be a huge disaster, but I’m getting a little nervous.

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That’s “African-American Widow” To YOU

Saturday, November 22, 2008 7:24 am

Laurie sent me this:

Now, besides the obvious fact that Barack has now been warned, and he should probably keep a pair of Nikes by the bed for rapid post-coital departures, there’s something that really bugs me about this picture:

Michelle’s knees are about a foot apart. In order for her legs to meet at the point where most normal human legs typically meet, her thighs must be big enough to generate a significant gravitational field, and may actually influence tides in the D.C. area for the next four years.

Either that, or underneath that dress her hips are built like ED-209.

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Policy tool

Saturday, November 22, 2008 1:31 am

I’m taking this Civics Quiz (via tracey), and question 32 reads:

Which of the following is a policy tool of the Federal Reserve?

Before I read any of the answers, the response that popped into my head was Ben Bernanke.

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Later, Losers!

Friday, November 21, 2008 9:37 pm

Wife and I are headed for Texas tomorrow and I won’t be back to regular blogging until the beginning of December. So the blog is now in the hands of… whomever happens to have a login – I’ve kinda lost track. Like that Cadet Happy guy will probably blog under my name and make fun of me. I hate him.

Anyway, I’m in need of a break, and if I do any writing during my vacation it will probably be on Hellbender as I really want to get that done. But when I return I’ll get right back to helping everyone get prepared for the incoming Clinton administration.

If I don’t see you again, Happy Thanksgiving!

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I Wonder How These People Did on Standardized Tests?

Friday, November 21, 2008 10:32 am

Want to have some wacky ballot fun? Who doesn’t! Go here and you can see some of the ballots being challenged in Minnesota and vote on what you think the outcome should be. My favorite is number six from day one. It’s pretty obvious who the guy was trying to vote for, but it’s also pretty obvious he should be sterilized.

If I had my way, any abnormal ballot would just be tossed. You’d think a lot of these people are really stupid, but even someone with a sixty IQ should be able to properly fill out one of these ballots if he really cared enough to make sure he did it right. They have people to ask questions to and you can get a second ballot if you mess up; if you disenfranchise yourself by going at the ballot like a crazed monkey, that’s your own fault. Democracy isn’t helped by knowing the opinion of people who can’t handle a simple form.

Anyway, another thing I noticed is the names of the parties under the candidates names. They’re all pretty normal — Independence, Republican, Libertarian, Constitution — except for Al Franken’s which says “Democratic-Farmer-Laborer”.

What kind of Commie crap is that?

“I am not politician. I am farmer/laborer. I am man of people!”

Al Franken is not a farmer or a laborer. Also, considering his actions during the recount, it’s disputable whether he’s Democratic… thought if they changed the ballot to say Democratic-Unhinged-Nutbag, I’d be fine with that.

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What Do I Have to Do to Appease You?
An Editorial by Harvey

Friday, November 21, 2008 10:02 am

I used to really hate Al Qaeda, then I cowered in fear of them and tried to appease them, but now they’ve gone too far and the hate is back again. I’m so full of boiling rage that my skin is starting to turn green and I swear I just heard my shirt rip.

Right after 9/11, I was pissed that lunatic Allah worshippers killed Americans on our own soil. But after these Jokers-without-makeup started killing people for drawing cartoons – CARTOONS! – I figured maybe I should just roll over like a whipped dog before those bat@#$% crazies started looking my way.

So I stopped shaving, changed my name to Al-Harvey, started wearing funny hats, threw a flour sack over my wife, and did my Pilates 5 times a day on a fancy imported rug. I even replaced that Bible under the short leg of the couch with a Koran. Figured I was good to go.

Just to be EXTRA safe, though, I voted for Obama, because all my new Muslim overlords – from Islamic State of Iraq leader Abu Omar al-Baghdadi to Hamas to Ahmadinejad – told me that’s who they wanted as President.

Well, now that I’ve sold out my party, my nation and my soul, it turns out that they’re STILL not happy! Ayman Al-Zawahri (leader of Al-Qaeda ever since Osama got turned into a Tora Bora bloodstain back in 2002) says Barack is just a “house Negro” with a “heart full of hate” and that terrorists now “must continue to harm [America], in order for it to come to its senses”.

I don’t get it. You terrorized me in good faith, and I capitualted faster than Micheal Moore’s diet on National Free Donut Day. I thought we had a deal.

Apparently they have altered the deal. I pray they do not alter it further.

But if they do, well, I have enough guns & ammo to start my own religion in Texas.

And I have a couple dogs.

Bring it on.

Harvey is a non-disabled Navy veteran accidentally hired to fill an affirmative action quota at IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “Don’t Be A Pussy: Thompson/Norris 2012″ and “Bowing Towards Mecca So I Can Moon It From The Other Direction” (with Enani Si Malsi).

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Supporting the auto industry bailout

Thursday, November 20, 2008 11:05 pm

After much consideration, I am in favor of the auto industry bailout.

I don’t make this decision lightly. I considered many factors, and have decided that it would be best if the U.S. government bailed out the Big Three auto makers.

The thing most people forget is that the U.S. auto industry is more than Ford, GM, and Chrysler. Those are the big auto makers that are headquartered in Michigan. But that’s not where all the cars are made.

Tennessee, for instance, has GM plants. And Volkswagen is building a plant there. Nissan builds vehicles there, too.

And Alabama. Mercedes builds vehicles there. Yes, there are Mercedes built in Alabama. Betcha didn’t know that. And Honda vehicles, too. And Toyota.

Georgia is getting a new Kia plant. They’re hiring, by the way.

What all this means is, while things are rough up north, the auto industry in the south is doing well. Or a helluva lot better than Detroit.

I live in the south. Born here. Live here. Love it here.

And that’s why we need to bail out the auto industry. Up north.

You see, all those blue states — the ones with Democrat governors and Democrat Representatives and Democrat Senators and Democrat Legislatures — have let the Democrats in power screw up their economies while down here in the red states — the ones with Republican governors and Republican Representatives and Republican Senators and Republican Legislatures — have had better economies.

What I’m worried about is that all those folks that keep electing Democrats that screwed up those northern economies will move down here where the jobs are, register to vote, then elect Democrats to power that’ll screw up things down here as bad as it is up north.

So, I say bail out the auto industry.

We’ve got enough problems down here in the south without a bunch of damn Democrats moving down here and screwing things up even worse.

Bail them out.

Or build a fence. Right about the Mason-Dixon line ought to do.

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Random Thought

Thursday, November 20, 2008 5:20 pm

For my seventh birthday, my parents hired a clown. My friends and I were all in the backyard watching the clown make balloon animals while my dad cooked burgers on the grill. There was a problem with the grill, though, and the clown caught fire. The clown just kept running and screaming… running and screaming… and eventually my mom grabbed me and took me inside. Ever since then I’ve been afraid of backyards.

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Do No Robo-Harm

Thursday, November 20, 2008 1:09 pm

There’s this scientifical article on how to make sure robots do no harm. They never consulted me, though, even though I’m a leading thinker in stuff about robots. Here’s my suggestions:

FRANK SUGGESTIONS ON HOW TO MAKE SURE ROBOTS DO NO HARM

* Make sure they all have prominent big red buttons on them that deactivates them.

* Never give them AI by merging the minds of different serial killers.

* Make them out of Nerf™.

* Have a limit of five weapons per robot.

* Never give them access to time machines.

* Don’t have their programming give them a hundred points per person they kill.

* Never make a robot monkey.

* No matter what excuses they give, don’t ever take off their restraining bolts.

* Install Vista on them so no killing spree can last longer than a few minutes without them needing to reboot.

* Make sure killbots have a preset killing limit.

* Put a big label on each robot saying, “Please Don’t Tease the Robot”.

Finally, I propose that each robot be programmed with Frank J.’s three laws of robotics.

FRANK J.’S THREE LAWS OF ROBOTICS

1. Only kill foreigners.

2. Give children hugs unless it conflicts with the first law.

3. Do the robot dance to entertain people unless it conflicts with the first and second law.

4. Do everything Frank J. says. Ignore all other laws.

Whoops; that last law was supposed to be hidden.

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Not a Real Business

Thursday, November 20, 2008 10:39 am

Mark Kirkorian pointed out what I think was a neat idea from David Frum.

Yeah, I know; you think Frum is stupid and hate him. Shut up; I still think he has a good idea.

Anyway, Frum suggested a law forbidding campaign contributions by officials of companies in which the federal government holds an ownership stake. I would go even further, though, to separate companies held up by the government from real companies. You see, a lot of the failures are being blamed on capitalism when really the companies failing are government backed and don’t compete in a real market so it’s more of a failure of capocialism. Companies that get government backing should have to have an asterisk or some other symbol next to their name so every knows it’s not a real company and can be disdainful of it. They should be pariahs, and if someone is known to run one of these phony companies, everyone should be like, “Guess he couldn’t run a real company.” And someone else will be like, “I hear he’s a homosexual.”

Anyway, I think this would be a good way of separating out capitalism from faux-capitalism. Plus, I like coming up with new reasons to make fun of people.

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McCain Working For Obama?

Thursday, November 20, 2008 10:00 am

John & Barry were jaw-flappin’ on Monday, in an event that untrustworthy political hacks drunk with newfound power described as merely a “productive conversation”.

Personally, I’m thinking the Presidential First Loser was angling for a career change.

I don’t know if he got the job, but I *do* wonder what job he’d get, if one were to be tossed his direction like a bowl of watery gruel to a hungry orphan.

I speculate thusly:


“Michelle’s birthday is coming up. Gonna need a party clown.”

* Dog-walker for the oft-hinted-at First Puppy. It’s not like Malia & Sasha would walk their OWN dog, since personal responsibility has never been That One’s “thing”, and oppressing his beloved Punishments with it would be unthinkable.

* Guy who jacks up the bus so that Obama has more room to throw his friends & family under it.

* In charge of protecting Obama from feral boys attacking him with steel boomerangs.

* Emergency back-up teleprompter, i.e. Cue Card Boy.

* When Obama needs to decide which special interest group is the spreader and which is the spreadee, McCain will be there to shake up and hand the Magic 8 Ball to him.

* Follow Michelle around so that when she starts screaming “I HATE WHITEY!” people will think she’s talking about him, even though she’s really just having another off-her-meds-moment.

* When it comes time to bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran, McCain will push the button launching the nuclear strike, thus allowing Obama to continue his current foreign policy doctrine of blaming the Republicans for starting unilateral wars.

* As the end gets closer, SOMEONE is going to have to change Ted Kennedy’s diaper.

* Who has time to sit around all day waiting for the cable guy to show up? John McCain does!

* Not a job, exactly, so much as a fat envelope full of cash to thank him for running his campaign sorta like Custer ran Little Big Horn.


So if YOU were Obama, what role would McCain play in YOUR administration?

Me, I’d have him make sure no one had poisoned my MET-Rx chocolate roasted-peanut protein bars and Black Forest Berry Honest Tea.

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Point of Order

Thursday, November 20, 2008 8:29 am

So, is it now illegal to think there is anything wrong with homosexuality and to now want to promote it?

I’m not complaining… I’m just asking!

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