Frank Election Day Thoughts

* If I connected an electrical cord to a squirrel, would that make a power squirrel or is it more complicated than that?

* I bet the first caveman who invented fire thought it was an angry spirit. I’m still not sure it isn’t.

* When my cat wants food, she cries and swats me. I once tried crying and swatting her, but instead of bringing me food she just hissed and jumped on top of the cabinet. What do we have a cat for?

* I know why we have a dog: She’s the doorbell interpreter. When the doorbell rings, she runs to the door yelling, “Woo! Woo! Woo!” to tell us people are there. Thanks, dog, we know what the doorbell means. If the Woo brothers from the Triad are ever at the door ready to kill me, she will seem prescient, though.

* In Knight Rider, they use talking car to help them fight crime, but I really think it would be more useful to the average guy stuck because then he’d have someone to talk to. I try calling my wife, but she’s always like, “I DON’T CARE ABOUT THE TRAFFIC!!” I hope the car is more considerate of my feelings.

* What do you think was the first hat? My guess is it was a turtle shell because that would help cavemen avoid head injuries when they played baseball.

* Why do people box kangaroos? I guess because they stand upright. That’s our thing! Other animals can’t do that. I guess if Tyrannosaurus Rexes were still around, we’d box them too. Ha! They’d be at such a disadvantage with those tiny little arms.

* When my wife and I walk the dog in the morning before sunrise, it’s dark but we can hear sheep baaing when we walk by a farm. Well, maybe it’s goats. It’s either sheep or goats. I hope it’s either sheep or goats.

* I bet it would be neat to show a caveman around our time and explain all our modern technology to him. Except, he probably wouldn’t know English and would try to hit me with a club and then I’d have to shoot him to death. There goes that afternoon.

* I know McCain could possibly win the election, but I’m kinda hyped for an Obama victory because I’m looking forward to going underground. BTW, tomorrow this site will be password protected. If you’re a real conservative, you’ll know what it is.

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  1. Is the password Ron Paul? It’s either Ron Paul or Fred Thompson. Also, is it case sensitive (ron paul will work, or it must be RON PAUL), and do we use spaces in the name (Ron Paul or RONPAUL)?


  2. I have some serious questions of my own, but few answers:

    Why is the weather always bad on Thanksgiving? Is God pissed at us? God, I need an answer.

    Why am I living in Basil’s Bizzaro World? When did this start, exactly?
    (December 19, 2002? Anyone?)

    Have you ever noticed that crows harass all birds of prey? They must be Republicans, I think, with a kick a$$ foreign policy. I love crows.

    Why do birds suddenly appear, every time, you (hippie) are neeeeearr? Just like me, they want to see, poop on you. (Why this popped into my head, I do not know.)


  3. Seriously,

    Scenerio #1: Obama wins and the Democrats retain a non-filibuster proof majority in both houses.

    Key word: FILIBUSTER

    FILIBUSTER EVERYTHING! Court appointments, fairness doctrine legislation, new taxes, healthcare bill, poverty bill, more bailouts… EVERYTHING.


  4. I bet the password is “racism” or “racist”.

    I would just love to have a Florida-in-2000 scenario play out for about 30 days where Obama is down by 3000 votes in Ohio or Pennsylvania. That way, the police could shoot a bunch of rioters and then he would be down by even more.


  5. I thought the password was “Fred Thompson,” but there are so many good ones, I just don’t know now. Maybe I’m not a real conservative. I think we need a symbol. You know, like the fish symbol the early Christians used, the ichthys. We need one of those. I nominate Frank J. to design it.


  6. I’m Pretty sure the password will be “Punch the Hippies”. Is that too long? It is shorter that RONPAULRONPAULRONPAUL, but a bit longer than “Nuke the Moon”

    on second thought it has got to be Palin2012


  7. #13, Master Shake, as a paleoblogologist, your knowledge is much superior to mine. But, surely you must know that Frank’s world-famous “nuke the moon” ideology predates his marriage by years. I guess what I’m trying to say is, yes, nuking something could be better than sex.


  8. Spyndrilleum says:

    * If The One wins today, what will happen to the supply of ammunition tomorrow?*

    I am prepared to share my ammo bounty with any stray looters or rioters that happen into my home, in the spirit of this glorious election season. Unfortunately, I’m only allowed to share the little brass-covered bits at the tips of the rounds. They are really hard to get off of there, though! I find that it works best if I use the firing pin.

    See ya underground, Frank. I’m actually almost excited about getting to be one of the the critics for the next few years. Silver lining and all that. Semper Fidelis…


  9. I did something today I never thought I would ever do. I voted for John McCain today. I still can’t believe I actually pushed that button.

    It would have made it easier to swallow if they had written it like this:


    but they didn’t.


    It was all written in the same font like this:


    I put my finger over the touchscreen and, while trying very hard to touch as little of the first line as possible, placed just enough pressure on the screen to click and put a big red “X” next to John McCain’s name. I feel kind of dirty and hope this will eventually wash off.

    I hope none of you will judge me too harshly for having cast this ballot and pray that you can find it in your heart to eventually forgive me. As I get older, I am learning more and more why people sometimes become raging alcoholics around the first Tuesday in November.


  10. *Would it be okay to stay drunk for four years if you could find a doctor to prescribe that kind of regimen? I mean besides Dr. Nick Riviera? Does anyone have his number?

    *Depending on the outcome, would it be racist to state out loud that you prefer dark chocolate to milk chocolate?

    *Why are the two actors playing Spock and Kirk so dang gay? Is that a first glimpse at an Obambi world? (I’d link a picture, but I am teh suck at computer stuff.)


  11. And you share your picture along with your ammo, Doctor! You are as generous as the Captain for sharing his sad story, indeed.

    And PaleoMedic is just trying to hide the fact that he started drinking at breakfast. That’s OK, Paleo, I started last night.

    And Granddaddy Long legs shared that 2006 post that I missed.

    Wow, what a day. Slurp. Hey, it’s just Irish Coffee.


  12. Jimmy,
    Honestly, I don’t know how my picture popped up there. I think the Obama goons are trying to intimidate me. I will resist them until Janet Reno sets my house on fire, drives a tank through my living room, and blames it on me.

    I am exactly that kind of unethical doctor. Consider yourself covered for a 4-year bender. Medicine will be going socialized now, anyway, so what the hell? Ethics are no longer necessary. Just quantity and inexpensiveness.

    Too bitter? Sorry about that. I’m at work and I haven’t been able to hit the sauce yet. *To the future, guys!!! * hiccup **!!!


  13. Password options:


    Personal random thought: Chicago Police are (rightly) worried about the million minions threatening to show up tonight at the Obamuhamad celebration rally. So, what’s the problem? Let the freaks kill each other off, one by one by one. Obamuhamad can then show us what he’s made of by redistributing their wealth of pork rinds, Link cards, hummus, and UIC professor ID’s; and reorganizing the community with education gulags on boats off Navy Pier.

    When the job is done, he will ride off on his unicorn to DC fairyland where he can begin the national process, with Chi-town as tangible evidence of how quickly socialist ideals can be accepted and implemented.

    All will bow down. Way down. Down to the lowest common denominator.

    Then the rest of us, having taken Frank’s “underground” code to heart, can begin the revolt. Second personal random thought: I CAN’T WAIT!


  14. I’m guessing that the password is “frankjisawesome”. Frank really likes getting strokes like that.

    I voted several weeks ago; I have permanent absentee status here. It was really fun. We get lots of initiative and referendum ballot measures here. They’re mostly along the lines of “would you like your property taxes raised to pay for something that probably won’t work and wouldn’t benefit you even if it did?” The ones that aren’t are for things like better housing for farm animals (I’m not making that up). The arguments for and against better housing for farm animals never addressed the most important point: will it make them taste better?


  15. Dang! I’m out of Wheaties. (Burp) That’s my favorite cereal of all time. (Pffffft.) It’s better than “an apple a day…” Biiiiiiiiiden. Baraaaaaa… kobaaaaaaama…

    Doctor, prescribe yourself a flask of Irish whiskey to accompany your coffee. That’s not hitting the sauce – it’s embracing “culture” and “diversity.”

    Hot Air has a video up: “Palin votes in Wasilla.”



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