Archive for December, 2008

Driving your own car is racist

Wednesday, December 31, 2008 10:51 pm

In Russell County, Alabama, (just across the river from Columbus, Georgia, for the geographically impaired) there was a discussion last week about using county vehicles.

The Columbus Ledger-Enquirer has the story, but here’s a summary:

One county commissioner — one of the four white ones — brought up for a vote a policy saying that county commissioners could use the county-owned Ford Explorer only when traveling outside the local counties (Russell County, Alabama and Muscogee County, Georgia).

Commissioners would have to use their own personal vehicle when driving in the local counties, and could be reimbursed at the standard rate.

Another commissioner — one of the three black ones — called the proposed policy “racist.”

The vote was 3-3-1. That broke down to three whites voting “yes,” three blacks voting “no,” and one white abstaining.

They finally ended up agreeing to research what the policy has been, since nobody remembered.

Without knowing what the previous policy was, assuming there was one, it seems to me that a county vehicle could be used for county business, regardless of where the business is. A policy that says you can’t use a county vehicle for county business in the county is … stupid. Not racist, just stupid.

Calling it “racist” is … racist. And stupid.

At least it’s nice to know that stupidity is color-blind.

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The Jokes Stupid People Laugh At

Wednesday, December 31, 2008 9:35 am

Christopher Hitchens puts a nice little capper on the “Bush is dumb” jokes (language warning).

It always seemed to me that the people who honestly believe that one politician or another is really stupid are the dumbest people out there (e.g., Joy Behar). It makes sense, because they probably go through their lives with the desire to feel smarter than someone.

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Keep Poking the Tiger with a Sharp Stick and See What Happens

Wednesday, December 31, 2008 9:05 am

So is the point of the Palestinians to see how much you can push a civilized nation until it finally just flips out and kills everyone who even looks at it funny? Can you imagine in any other era a smaller weaker group pointlessly attacking a stronger one and not getting wiped out? We all know how this is going to end, and though the whole world will condemn Israel — U.S. included — no one is going to do anything about it in the end. If the headline writers wanted to be more accurate, the stories about the current conflict would be entitled “Israeli warplanes continue strikes on Gaza, millions spared”.

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Who Says There’s No Good News?

Wednesday, December 31, 2008 7:00 am

Got this from MorOn.org and just had to share my schadenfreude:

You’ve probably heard about how Wall Street financier Bernard Madoff scammed investors out of at least $50 billion.

But you may not have heard that his victims included the foundations that support some really important progressive organizations. Groups that fight for human rights, fair elections and racial justice are getting hit hard—just in time for the holidays. We’ve worked side-by-side with many of them.

If these groups can’t replace the funding that came from investment accounts that Madoff stole, they may be forced to start cutting important projects or, in some cases, even lay off staff.

I’m smiling like the Grinch after he got that wonderful, awful idea.

Anyway, click here for a list of the objects of their sympathy.

For the record, there’s a tiny little cynical part of me that can’t help wondering if these organizations really DID lose money to Madoff, or if this is just a fund-raising scam by MoveOn.

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lolbama! Part 4

Tuesday, December 30, 2008 10:00 am

This week, That One. Next week, terrorists. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ‘em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.



From GEAH:

From Justin:

From Stephen:


My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From Patrick of The Daily Conservative:

From Brian:

[reference link]

From Dan:

From Pork & Beans:

From silaS marreD:

[reference link]

From Zorn:

From Matthew:


This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:

PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolbama! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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New Year’s Resolutions

Tuesday, December 30, 2008 8:43 am

Though I’m still kinda on vacation here, I have a post up on PJM about New Year’s resolutions. Enjoy!

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Year in Review

Monday, December 29, 2008 9:16 am

From Dave Barry.

(hat tip Conservative Grapevine)

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I Find Your Lack of Specificity Disturbing

Saturday, December 27, 2008 11:44 am

From an article about Christmas lights destroying the planet (link via commenter erg):

Dr Glenn Platt, who leads research on energy demand, said Australia got 80 per cent of its electricity by burning coal which pumps harmful emissions into the atmosphere. [emphasis mine]

Which immediately makes me ask: harmful to what? People? Animals? Plants? Dirt? Unicorns?

And even if it IS harmful – and pretty much anything is, in sufficient quantity (“the dose makes the poison”) – is the benefit worth the cost?

Well, I know the benefit of gazing on colored lights twinkling in the darkness is a moment of sublime contentment that’s far too scarce, and a memory that can be forever cherished.

The downside is that 200 years after you’re dead, someone might have to turn on a fan.

Totally worth it, I’d say.

So when I read things like:

CSIRO researchers said householders should know that each bulb turned on in the name of Christmas will increase emissions of greenhouse gases.

The only behavioral change this will make on my end is that, from now on, I will give a hearty battle cry of “IN THE NAME OF CHRISTMAS!” before firing up the incandescent magic.

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Merry Christmas

Thursday, December 25, 2008 9:57 am


[photo courtesy of Jimmy]

A holiday ponderment:

Why would Sarah Palin kill Rudolph?

Here are my theories:


* He wouldn’t stop humming “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer”.

* She found out he was the real father of Bristol’s baby.

* He called her “Tina”.

* She does that to everyone who claims that Article I of the Constitution defines the role of the Vice President. Haven’t you noticed how twitchy Biden’s been since the debate?

* It wasn’t Palin. Cheney mistook Rudolph for a lawyer.

* We’ll never know the real reason, because it’s locked up in a vault in Hawaii next to Obama’s birth certificate.

* From a distance, that nose can easily be mistaken for a laser sight. Any sane jury would call that self-defense.

* Halloween, a moose costume, and someone who didn’t say “trick or treat” fast enough.

* Sarah’s just the patsy. It was really the guy on the grassy knoll.

* Palin hates political corruption, and Rudolph was Senate Candidate Number 5

* He was the one who told George Lucas “Episode I really needs a goofy animated character to act as the plucky comic relief”.


What’s YOUR conspiracy theory?

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A Special Message From IMAO

Wednesday, December 24, 2008 6:58 pm

Have a merry Christmas!

That wasn’t a wish; that was a command! If you don’t have a merry Christmas, we will urinate on your favorite pet so that when you pet him you’ll get pee on your hand. That’s how important it is to us that your Christmas is merry.

Also, to be diverse, if you celebrate Hanukkah, we wish that it is happy. If you celebrate Kwanzaa, you’re a weirdo and we hope you choke on it. And if I don’t see you until then, I also hope you have a happy New Year… though this isn’t to imply we feel as strongly about the happiness of your New Year as we do about the merriment of your Christmas. The merry Christmas is the important thing. Much more important than the rest. Like, if for some reason stealing Hanukkah candles — and thus making someone’s Hanukkah unhappy — is what’s needed to make your Christmas merry, then go ahead and do so because it’s for the greater good. To be clear, I’m not saying go steal Hanukkah candles; I’m just saying in this purely theoretical instance is stealing Hanukkah candles justified. I don’t want you all go around stealing Hanukkah candles saying IMAO told you to because then we’ll get labeled anti-Semites and we travel in circles where that’s still considered a bad thing.

But do smash all the Kwanzaa stuff you see — if any such things actually exist. If someone says you’re a racist against blacks, just answer, “I’m not a racist! Some of my presidents are black!” Well, I guess that excuse won’t work until later in January, but hold onto it; it’s a gift from IMAO to you.

Happy Christmas!

…I mean “Merry.” I’m going to say “Merry” all I want and I don’t care who it offends!

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lolterizt! Part 71

Tuesday, December 23, 2008 10:24 am

This week terrorists, next week That One. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ‘em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.



[reference link]


From Brian:

From The Sizzla’:


Some submissions for last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From Charliewalksonwater:

From Dax:

From Leon C:

From Xaetognath

[Reference link]

From Zorn:


This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:


PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Snapped Shot for handy links to ripe-for-captioning photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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Another Flying Mystery *UPDATED*

Monday, December 22, 2008 8:55 am

On the Northwest planes I flew on this weekend, the overhead compartments all had a sticker on them that said “Latch Bin Closed.” The sticker is on the inside so it is concealed when the latch is closed, i.e., the overhead compartments have a sticker saying “Latch Bin Closed” that is only visible when the latch is open. Why?

UPDATE:

I guess I was reading it wrong and it’s actually a command. “Latch [the] bin closed.” To which I say, “Who the hell do they think they are?” All that hassle with airlines, and now they have the overhead compartments bossing me around? Latch your own damn bins!

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All I want for Christmas is…

Sunday, December 21, 2008 9:28 pm

Remember the movie A Christmas Story? The main character, Ralphie, wanted “an official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock, and this thing which tells time.”

And, at the end of the movie, he got it.

Remember Peggy Joseph? She’s the woman who said that, because of Obama, wouldn’t have to worry about putting gas in her car or have to worry about her mortgage.

She thinks he’s Santa Claus.

Well, so do most Americans, it seems. They voted him as the next president.

In the spirit of those American classics — A Christmas Story and Barack Obama — I’m wondering what you want Obama to bring you for Christmas.

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Thank God Not Everyone is Frank

Sunday, December 21, 2008 7:58 am

Frank J. is a wonderful guy, although crippled by a ferret-like tendency to get distracted by shiny objects.

For example, The Republican Underground.

Fortunately, good ideas are hearty seeds that take root in good soil, regardless of who plants them.

The Republican Underground exists.

Use it as you may.

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10 Words or Less

Saturday, December 20, 2008 5:16 pm

As commenter Percepied pointed out, the Washington post is selling $10 classified ads for readers to post an inaugural message for Obama.

The catch being that “All ads must be congratulatory in nature.”

I like the idea, but I don’t like that they reserve the right to reject my ad if it’s deemed insufficiently obsequious.

My local paper, on the other hand, charges 10 cents a word, and I can say whatever I want. However, I can’t decide whether to spend a dollar, a dime, or something in between. Kinda depends on what I find in the sofa cushions.

As you can see, though, I’m ready for anything:


* Big list of promises now meets reality’s cold brass knuckles.

* First black president? Well, at least you’re half historic.

* Exclusively wind and solar? Worked great for Icarus.

* Hope, change, economic ruin – Obama hat trick!

* Car Czar? No. Liberty Czar? Please.

* You won. Now respect flag.

* Coming soon: Palin 2012.

* Congratulations, President Bailout.

* Iran’s laughing.

* Barackalypse!


Your turn. 10 words or less. “Congratulate” Obama.

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Let’s Question the Messiah

Friday, December 19, 2008 10:11 am

Alice brought to my attention this web site where the Obama transition team is accepting questions from the American Public.

The website brought to my attention that they are no longer accepting such questions until next week.

The calendar brought to my attention that it’s now next week, and they’re STILL not accepting questions. Probably because they’ve all pretty much been variations of “how much did Obama offer Blagojevich to pick Valerie Jarrett as his replacement?”.

Nevertheless, should That One start accepting questions again, I have my list ready:


“I did not have conversational relations with that Governor, Rod Blagojevich”

* As perpetrator of the one of the most successful Ponzi schemes in history, do you think Bernie Madoff would be qualified to run the Social Security Administration?

* Star Trek Voyager featured Tuvok, a black Vulcan. Do you agree that this blackness was a pointless redundancy, since the Vulcan character Spock in the original Star Trek series was already constantly subjected to verbal attacks about his racial inferiority by a cranky, loudmouthed guy from Georgia?

* If we let you implement nationwide, government-run healthcare, will you agree to pass a law requiring Joss Whedon to make Season 2 of Firefly?

* During your exploration of ways to end the war in Iraq, have you ever seriously considered military victory?

* Do you feel that the historicalness of your election as America’s first African-American President was outshined by Joe Biden’s election as America’s first Gafferican-American Vice-President?

* What the hell is arugula, anyway?

* How will we be able to measure global warming if all the world’s mercury is used to make compact fluorescent bulbs instead of thermometers?

* Instead of raising income taxes, couldn’t the government raise revenue by selling advertising space on US currency? A Wal-Mart smiley would be a big improvement over that creepy eyeball floating over the pyramid.

* Wouldn’t the best solution to the illegal immigration problem be to just finish that little “project” we were working on in 1848 and make ALL of them Americans?

* If oil is bad and guns are bad, does this mean that Jed Clampett is Satan?


What’s on YOUR list?

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Sorta Kinda Hiatus

Thursday, December 18, 2008 9:55 pm

I’m going to take a blogging break until the new year. I’m not actually going anywhere (well, I’m going to Minnesota this weekend — sheesh), but I want to not have to worry about the blog for a little bit so I can work on Hellbender and other writing projects while hanging out with family. If something interesting happens, I’ll probably comment on it, though; just don’t expect regular weekly blogging for a little bit.

Have a Merry Christmas and a happy new year.

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Thoughts on the Constitution and Rodents’ Posteriors

Thursday, December 18, 2008 10:59 am

The Drudge Report mentioned Chelsea Clinton as a possibility for replacing her mother the other day. Now Chelsea is a little younger than me — she’s only turning 29 in February of next year — which would make her Constitutionally ineligible. Drudge then pointed out that three Senators have served who were underage.

So, are the qualifications for Representative, Senator, and President basically the speed limits of the Constitution? I mean, no one really cares that much as long as you’re close? Some would say that disregarding these stark rules in Constitution would soon mean we’ll disregard the rest of the Constitution, like if we tolerate someone going 56 in a 55 mph zone soon we’ll not prosecute people for murder. I think most can use their common sense though to distinguish a small thing from a big thing, though; yeah, those are rules in the Constitution, but we all know the Founding Fathers just pulled the age limit numbers out of their asses and it isn’t those little clauses in the Constitution that keeps us from electing foreign babies as president.

Now, all of this is not to say I think Chelsea Clinton would be a good choice. In an appointment where it’s not the American people making the choice, I think the qualifications are more important because that’s where extreme abuse is possible. Still, her age would be far from my first objection. Then again, it’s hard to get too worked up on any Senate appointment because, really, any idiot can be a Senator.

So, to the main point: There is a conspiracy theory going around that Obama was born in Kenya. I think the conspiracy is ridiculous, but even if it’s true people are trying to make a big deal whether Obama was zero months old in Kenya (born to an American mother) versus zero months old in Hawaii — like that makes any difference to who he his forty-seven years later or who the American people think they elected (they already know he spent a good portion of his childhood in Indonesia which would seem to have much more influence but is not a Constitutional disqualifier). Why this is an annoying controversy is that even if hell freezed over and these conspiracy theorists won and got Obama disqualified, they’d still be weenies. They caught Obama going 56 in a 55 mph zone and convinced everyone it was really really important.

We’re conservatives. We have jobs, families, responsibilities. Because of this, we have a very limited supply of rats’ asses. We’re not like the Kos Kids; we can’t get apoplectic over every little thing convinced it’s going to be the magic bullet to stop the other side if we just make enough noise to convince everyone it’s important. We just don’t have enough rat’s asses to give to all those little things. In the coming years there are going to be lot’s of silly conspiracy theories and minor infractions on the Democrats’ part that we could waste time on, and there will also be big things like war and socialism. You have to take a good hard look at your limited supply of precious rats’ asses and decide which things are important enough to be given one, as a huge part of being a conservative is knowing when to give and when not to give your rats’ asses.

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The Real Dangers of Buckets

Thursday, December 18, 2008 8:43 am

Poor deer. And though I feel sorry for him, at least that’s one less bucket Obama can get his head stuck in. I wonder who he got the bucket from?

(hat tip reader Edward)

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Kennedy Proposed as Replacement for Hillary

Wednesday, December 17, 2008 9:02 am
Fluffy Kennedy is a very good swimmer.

NEW YORK (AP) – A new name has been proposed as the replacement for Senator Hillary Clinton: Fluffy Kennedy.

Fluffy Kennedy is the heavily spoiled Kennedy family dog, and supporters of his appointment say making him Senator will be a great way to honor the legacy of John F. Kennedy. “In an era where empty hope has won over,” said one supporter, “shouldn’t we also indulge pointless nostalgia? JFK was a great president in how he said inspiring things and was killed. I think Fluffy Kennedy will give us back a piece of that greatness.”

Senator Ted Kennedy also supports the appointment. “Fluffy deserves the Senate seat. He’s from the Kennedy line, and he is a pure bred dog. He only has ever ate the finest foods, and unlike commoners, his life has not been marred by hard work or having a job. Who else can you name who would make a better Senator? Certainly not anyone named Kennedy.”

Republicans have generally been against the appointment. “I swear, the Democrats are all retarded,” said one Republican. “Super retarded, that is. They should literally be wearing helmets at all times to prevent them from injuring their heads that contain their pea-sized brains. Yeah, that’s exactly what the Senate needs: an inbred miniature collie. Still, he’s a better choice than Caroline Kennedy.”

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