Let’s Question the Messiah

Alice brought to my attention this web site where the Obama transition team is accepting questions from the American Public.

The website brought to my attention that they are no longer accepting such questions until next week.

The calendar brought to my attention that it’s now next week, and they’re STILL not accepting questions. Probably because they’ve all pretty much been variations of “how much did Obama offer Blagojevich to pick Valerie Jarrett as his replacement?”.

Nevertheless, should That One start accepting questions again, I have my list ready:

“I did not have conversational relations with that Governor, Rod Blagojevich”

* As perpetrator of the one of the most successful Ponzi schemes in history, do you think Bernie Madoff would be qualified to run the Social Security Administration?

* Star Trek Voyager featured Tuvok, a black Vulcan. Do you agree that this blackness was a pointless redundancy, since the Vulcan character Spock in the original Star Trek series was already constantly subjected to verbal attacks about his racial inferiority by a cranky, loudmouthed guy from Georgia?

* If we let you implement nationwide, government-run healthcare, will you agree to pass a law requiring Joss Whedon to make Season 2 of Firefly?

* During your exploration of ways to end the war in Iraq, have you ever seriously considered military victory?

* Do you feel that the historicalness of your election as America’s first African-American President was outshined by Joe Biden’s election as America’s first Gafferican-American Vice-President?

* What the hell is arugula, anyway?

* How will we be able to measure global warming if all the world’s mercury is used to make compact fluorescent bulbs instead of thermometers?

* Instead of raising income taxes, couldn’t the government raise revenue by selling advertising space on US currency? A Wal-Mart smiley would be a big improvement over that creepy eyeball floating over the pyramid.

* Wouldn’t the best solution to the illegal immigration problem be to just finish that little “project” we were working on in 1848 and make ALL of them Americans?

* If oil is bad and guns are bad, does this mean that Jed Clampett is Satan?

What’s on YOUR list?

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Sorta Kinda Hiatus

I’m going to take a blogging break until the new year. I’m not actually going anywhere (well, I’m going to Minnesota this weekend — sheesh), but I want to not have to worry about the blog for a little bit so I can work on Hellbender and other writing projects while hanging out with family. If something interesting happens, I’ll probably comment on it, though; just don’t expect regular weekly blogging for a little bit.

Have a Merry Christmas and a happy new year.

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Thoughts on the Constitution and Rodents’ Posteriors

The Drudge Report mentioned Chelsea Clinton as a possibility for replacing her mother the other day. Now Chelsea is a little younger than me — she’s only turning 29 in February of next year — which would make her Constitutionally ineligible. Drudge then pointed out that three Senators have served who were underage.

So, are the qualifications for Representative, Senator, and President basically the speed limits of the Constitution? I mean, no one really cares that much as long as you’re close? Some would say that disregarding these stark rules in Constitution would soon mean we’ll disregard the rest of the Constitution, like if we tolerate someone going 56 in a 55 mph zone soon we’ll not prosecute people for murder. I think most can use their common sense though to distinguish a small thing from a big thing, though; yeah, those are rules in the Constitution, but we all know the Founding Fathers just pulled the age limit numbers out of their asses and it isn’t those little clauses in the Constitution that keeps us from electing foreign babies as president.

Now, all of this is not to say I think Chelsea Clinton would be a good choice. In an appointment where it’s not the American people making the choice, I think the qualifications are more important because that’s where extreme abuse is possible. Still, her age would be far from my first objection. Then again, it’s hard to get too worked up on any Senate appointment because, really, any idiot can be a Senator.

So, to the main point: There is a conspiracy theory going around that Obama was born in Kenya. I think the conspiracy is ridiculous, but even if it’s true people are trying to make a big deal whether Obama was zero months old in Kenya (born to an American mother) versus zero months old in Hawaii — like that makes any difference to who he his forty-seven years later or who the American people think they elected (they already know he spent a good portion of his childhood in Indonesia which would seem to have much more influence but is not a Constitutional disqualifier). Why this is an annoying controversy is that even if hell freezed over and these conspiracy theorists won and got Obama disqualified, they’d still be weenies. They caught Obama going 56 in a 55 mph zone and convinced everyone it was really really important.

We’re conservatives. We have jobs, families, responsibilities. Because of this, we have a very limited supply of rats’ asses. We’re not like the Kos Kids; we can’t get apoplectic over every little thing convinced it’s going to be the magic bullet to stop the other side if we just make enough noise to convince everyone it’s important. We just don’t have enough rat’s asses to give to all those little things. In the coming years there are going to be lot’s of silly conspiracy theories and minor infractions on the Democrats’ part that we could waste time on, and there will also be big things like war and socialism. You have to take a good hard look at your limited supply of precious rats’ asses and decide which things are important enough to be given one, as a huge part of being a conservative is knowing when to give and when not to give your rats’ asses.

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The Real Dangers of Buckets

Poor deer. And though I feel sorry for him, at least that’s one less bucket Obama can get his head stuck in. I wonder who he got the bucket from?

(hat tip reader Edward)

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Kennedy Proposed as Replacement for Hillary

Fluffy Kennedy is a very good swimmer.

NEW YORK (AP) – A new name has been proposed as the replacement for Senator Hillary Clinton: Fluffy Kennedy.

Fluffy Kennedy is the heavily spoiled Kennedy family dog, and supporters of his appointment say making him Senator will be a great way to honor the legacy of John F. Kennedy. “In an era where empty hope has won over,” said one supporter, “shouldn’t we also indulge pointless nostalgia? JFK was a great president in how he said inspiring things and was killed. I think Fluffy Kennedy will give us back a piece of that greatness.”

Senator Ted Kennedy also supports the appointment. “Fluffy deserves the Senate seat. He’s from the Kennedy line, and he is a pure bred dog. He only has ever ate the finest foods, and unlike commoners, his life has not been marred by hard work or having a job. Who else can you name who would make a better Senator? Certainly not anyone named Kennedy.”

Republicans have generally been against the appointment. “I swear, the Democrats are all retarded,” said one Republican. “Super retarded, that is. They should literally be wearing helmets at all times to prevent them from injuring their heads that contain their pea-sized brains. Yeah, that’s exactly what the Senate needs: an inbred miniature collie. Still, he’s a better choice than Caroline Kennedy.”

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lolbama! Part 3

This week, That One. Next week, terrorists. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

From Mike:

Some submissions for last edition’s uncaptioned picture. There were tons of entries, plus some repeated concepts, so I’m just posting the ones I liked best:


From Michael:

From Pergrine John:

From slaphappy1975:

From Zorn:

From Pork & Beans:

This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:

#1: When creating lolbama! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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Gotta Catch ‘Em All!

Apparently a thousand new species were found in the Greater Mekong region. If you don’t know where that is, it’s just above the Lesser Mekong region and borders Belgium and Uruguay. Anyway, I wonder if that means we’ll be ahead on species this year — you know, a thousand new species minus however many went extinct. If we do come out ahead, does that mean we can pick some species to go extinct to reach equilibrium? If so, I want to make the squirrel extinct. They don’t provide any vital function to the ecosystem and I don’t trust them, so let’s be rid of them. What species do you want to kill off?

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In My World: The Lone Shoeman

“It is a time for rebuilding,” President Bush told the Iraqi press. “It is a time for–” A shoe struck Bush in the head. “Ow! What the hell just happened?”

“Oh no!” Maliki exclaimed. “Shoe is grave insult since it rhymes with joo!”

“What kind of dumb baby throws a shoe?” Bush rubbed his forehead. “In America, we express disapproval in a much more civilized manner… such as waving signs while screeching like howler monkeys being slaughtered alive.”

Another shoe flew forward and hit Bush. “Ow! What the frick?”

“You are imperialist pig dog!” the shoe-thrower yelled. “I hate all of America… except Barack Obama. He seems nice.”

“That’s it!” Bush exclaimed. “I’m going to show him what we consider to be a grave insult in America! Hold him down while I urinate on his face!”

* * * *

Bush sat down at his desk in the Oval Office. “It’s nice to be back home where people keep their shoes on their feet. Also, less Muslims.”

Oliver Stone came into the office. “I had a meeting with you.”

“Aren’t you that guy who made a movie about me?” Bush asked. “One I was pretty sure was making fun of me… except I didn’t see it because it didn’t look that interesting.”

“No one saw it,” Stone said, “but I want to make a new movie. I want to buy the movie rights to the shoe throwing incident.”


Stone leaned in close and whispered, “There was more than one shoe-thrower.”

Bush looked shocked. “It was just that guy Muntader al-Zaidi who threw the shoes.”

“That’s what the government wants you to think!” Stone took a photograph out of a folder. “The first shoe was indisputably a right foot shoe, correct?”

“Yeah! It hit me in the head.”

“I had a photo blown up of the second shoe flying through the air, though.” Stone laid down the photo in front of Bush. “Look at the curvature on it. It’s clearly also a right foot shoe. That means the shoes couldn’t have come from one person!”

“Holy crap! But who would put out this lie about the lone shoe-thrower?”

Stone stared at Bush intensely. “The CIA.”

Bush frowned. “I know they didn’t like what they got for funding this last fiscal year, but getting shoes thrown at me seems a little much.”

“We’re going to expose this!” Stone said. “Just let me make the movie.”

Bush was unconvinced. “You’re not going to have Josh Brolin play me again, are you?”

“No. It’s going to be a chimp on a unicycle.”

Dick Cheney entered the office. Bush turned to him and said excitedly. “The shoes getting thrown at me was a conspiracy and a chimp is going to play me in the movie of it. Everyone likes chimps.”

Cheney walked over, picked up Stone, and threw him out the window.

“You threw Oliver Stone out the window!” Bush shouted.

“That’s who that was? I thought he looked familiar.”

“You know, the Secret Service said if people keep falling out that window, they’re going to put bars on it.”

Cheney shrugged. “Whatever. We’re almost done here.”

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Iowahawk Turns Five


Right now I’m hoping that by the time IMAO is eight years old I’ll have twenty-five good posts to link back to.

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Anything provable is disprovable, so what would scientists consider to be evidence against global warming, i.e., if that happened, then global warming can’t be happening? It’s good to tack the scientists down on that answer now, as I’m sure otherwise they’ll just keep moving that bar.

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Jobs from Space

Instead of bailing out the auto-industry, how about investing that money in finally getting us a workable space-based laser? We can even sell that idea to Congress as a job creation program. You see, for each person we fry with the laser, that’s one more job back on the market.

Think of how encouraging it will be to the recently unemployed when they open the newspaper and see all the new jobs listed like, “terrorist explosive expert,” “dictator for Iran,” and “liberal congressman.”

I know your objection: “Aren’t you just going to use the space laser to shoot hippies, and hippies don’t even have jobs?”

True, but eliminating hippies will still bring down the unemployment statistics… even though hippies never planned on getting jobs.

Anyway, I think this is a very workable program… at least until I figure out how to spin a giant robot with gatling guns for arms as a job creation program.

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His place in history

When the Electors meet in their respective states’ capitals today to formally cast their ballots for president, something historical will occur.

But I have a question regarding Barack Obama’s place in history: Will he be the second Mob-connected president, or the third?

Just wondering.

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Be Wary of Liberals Near Churches

The possible arson at Palin’s church has made people wonder whether they need to worry about liberals setting fire to their churches. It is a concern.

Now, a liberal is an insane, hate-filled creature and is never going to be near a church except for purposes of evil. If you see a liberal near a church, immediately question him. “What are you doing here?” “What are you planning?” “When will you next bathe?” I also like to violently shake the liberal at this point.

If you find matches or a lighter on the liberal, it’s a good idea to smack him around a bit while asking, “What do you plan to do with this?” It doesn’t matter what he answers; just keep smacking him until he leaves.

If you find this helpful, you might want to put it in your church bulletin.

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Shoe for You

An Iraqi TV reporter threw a shoe at President Bush over the weekend. Here’s the video:

Anyway, here’s a helpful article entitled “In Islamic culture, shoe throwing shows disrespect” in case you were confused whether having a show thrown at your face is respectful or not.

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Cold is the New Hot

I give up. These kool-aid swillers are unparodyable:

“Ironically, 2008 is on pace to be a slightly cooler year in a steadily rising temperature trend line. Experts say it’s thanks to a La Nina weather variation. While skeptics are already using it as evidence of some kind of cooling trend, it actually illustrates how fast the world is warming.”

[hat tip: Freemon Sandlewould]

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