lolterizt! Part 71

This week terrorists, next week That One. Submit for either at

Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

[reference link]

From Brian:

From The Sizzla’:

Some submissions for last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From Charliewalksonwater:

From Dax:

From Leon C:

From Xaetognath

[Reference link]

From Zorn:

This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:

#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Snapped Shot for handy links to ripe-for-captioning photos.

Send your submissions to and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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Another Flying Mystery *UPDATED*

On the Northwest planes I flew on this weekend, the overhead compartments all had a sticker on them that said “Latch Bin Closed.” The sticker is on the inside so it is concealed when the latch is closed, i.e., the overhead compartments have a sticker saying “Latch Bin Closed” that is only visible when the latch is open. Why?


I guess I was reading it wrong and it’s actually a command. “Latch [the] bin closed.” To which I say, “Who the hell do they think they are?” All that hassle with airlines, and now they have the overhead compartments bossing me around? Latch your own damn bins!

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All I want for Christmas is…

Remember the movie A Christmas Story? The main character, Ralphie, wanted “an official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock, and this thing which tells time.”

And, at the end of the movie, he got it.

Remember Peggy Joseph? She’s the woman who said that, because of Obama, wouldn’t have to worry about putting gas in her car or have to worry about her mortgage.

She thinks he’s Santa Claus.

Well, so do most Americans, it seems. They voted him as the next president.

In the spirit of those American classics — A Christmas Story and Barack Obama — I’m wondering what you want Obama to bring you for Christmas.

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Thank God Not Everyone is Frank

Frank J. is a wonderful guy, although crippled by a ferret-like tendency to get distracted by shiny objects.

For example, The Republican Underground.

Fortunately, good ideas are hearty seeds that take root in good soil, regardless of who plants them.

The Republican Underground exists.

Use it as you may.

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10 Words or Less

As commenter Percepied pointed out, the Washington post is selling $10 classified ads for readers to post an inaugural message for Obama.

The catch being that “All ads must be congratulatory in nature.”

I like the idea, but I don’t like that they reserve the right to reject my ad if it’s deemed insufficiently obsequious.

My local paper, on the other hand, charges 10 cents a word, and I can say whatever I want. However, I can’t decide whether to spend a dollar, a dime, or something in between. Kinda depends on what I find in the sofa cushions.

As you can see, though, I’m ready for anything:

* Big list of promises now meets reality’s cold brass knuckles.

* First black president? Well, at least you’re half historic.

* Exclusively wind and solar? Worked great for Icarus.

* Hope, change, economic ruin – Obama hat trick!

* Car Czar? No. Liberty Czar? Please.

* You won. Now respect flag.

* Coming soon: Palin 2012.

* Congratulations, President Bailout.

* Iran’s laughing.

* Barackalypse!

Your turn. 10 words or less. “Congratulate” Obama.

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Let’s Question the Messiah

Alice brought to my attention this web site where the Obama transition team is accepting questions from the American Public.

The website brought to my attention that they are no longer accepting such questions until next week.

The calendar brought to my attention that it’s now next week, and they’re STILL not accepting questions. Probably because they’ve all pretty much been variations of “how much did Obama offer Blagojevich to pick Valerie Jarrett as his replacement?”.

Nevertheless, should That One start accepting questions again, I have my list ready:

“I did not have conversational relations with that Governor, Rod Blagojevich”

* As perpetrator of the one of the most successful Ponzi schemes in history, do you think Bernie Madoff would be qualified to run the Social Security Administration?

* Star Trek Voyager featured Tuvok, a black Vulcan. Do you agree that this blackness was a pointless redundancy, since the Vulcan character Spock in the original Star Trek series was already constantly subjected to verbal attacks about his racial inferiority by a cranky, loudmouthed guy from Georgia?

* If we let you implement nationwide, government-run healthcare, will you agree to pass a law requiring Joss Whedon to make Season 2 of Firefly?

* During your exploration of ways to end the war in Iraq, have you ever seriously considered military victory?

* Do you feel that the historicalness of your election as America’s first African-American President was outshined by Joe Biden’s election as America’s first Gafferican-American Vice-President?

* What the hell is arugula, anyway?

* How will we be able to measure global warming if all the world’s mercury is used to make compact fluorescent bulbs instead of thermometers?

* Instead of raising income taxes, couldn’t the government raise revenue by selling advertising space on US currency? A Wal-Mart smiley would be a big improvement over that creepy eyeball floating over the pyramid.

* Wouldn’t the best solution to the illegal immigration problem be to just finish that little “project” we were working on in 1848 and make ALL of them Americans?

* If oil is bad and guns are bad, does this mean that Jed Clampett is Satan?

What’s on YOUR list?

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Sorta Kinda Hiatus

I’m going to take a blogging break until the new year. I’m not actually going anywhere (well, I’m going to Minnesota this weekend — sheesh), but I want to not have to worry about the blog for a little bit so I can work on Hellbender and other writing projects while hanging out with family. If something interesting happens, I’ll probably comment on it, though; just don’t expect regular weekly blogging for a little bit.

Have a Merry Christmas and a happy new year.

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Thoughts on the Constitution and Rodents’ Posteriors

The Drudge Report mentioned Chelsea Clinton as a possibility for replacing her mother the other day. Now Chelsea is a little younger than me — she’s only turning 29 in February of next year — which would make her Constitutionally ineligible. Drudge then pointed out that three Senators have served who were underage.

So, are the qualifications for Representative, Senator, and President basically the speed limits of the Constitution? I mean, no one really cares that much as long as you’re close? Some would say that disregarding these stark rules in Constitution would soon mean we’ll disregard the rest of the Constitution, like if we tolerate someone going 56 in a 55 mph zone soon we’ll not prosecute people for murder. I think most can use their common sense though to distinguish a small thing from a big thing, though; yeah, those are rules in the Constitution, but we all know the Founding Fathers just pulled the age limit numbers out of their asses and it isn’t those little clauses in the Constitution that keeps us from electing foreign babies as president.

Now, all of this is not to say I think Chelsea Clinton would be a good choice. In an appointment where it’s not the American people making the choice, I think the qualifications are more important because that’s where extreme abuse is possible. Still, her age would be far from my first objection. Then again, it’s hard to get too worked up on any Senate appointment because, really, any idiot can be a Senator.

So, to the main point: There is a conspiracy theory going around that Obama was born in Kenya. I think the conspiracy is ridiculous, but even if it’s true people are trying to make a big deal whether Obama was zero months old in Kenya (born to an American mother) versus zero months old in Hawaii — like that makes any difference to who he his forty-seven years later or who the American people think they elected (they already know he spent a good portion of his childhood in Indonesia which would seem to have much more influence but is not a Constitutional disqualifier). Why this is an annoying controversy is that even if hell freezed over and these conspiracy theorists won and got Obama disqualified, they’d still be weenies. They caught Obama going 56 in a 55 mph zone and convinced everyone it was really really important.

We’re conservatives. We have jobs, families, responsibilities. Because of this, we have a very limited supply of rats’ asses. We’re not like the Kos Kids; we can’t get apoplectic over every little thing convinced it’s going to be the magic bullet to stop the other side if we just make enough noise to convince everyone it’s important. We just don’t have enough rat’s asses to give to all those little things. In the coming years there are going to be lot’s of silly conspiracy theories and minor infractions on the Democrats’ part that we could waste time on, and there will also be big things like war and socialism. You have to take a good hard look at your limited supply of precious rats’ asses and decide which things are important enough to be given one, as a huge part of being a conservative is knowing when to give and when not to give your rats’ asses.

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The Real Dangers of Buckets

Poor deer. And though I feel sorry for him, at least that’s one less bucket Obama can get his head stuck in. I wonder who he got the bucket from?

(hat tip reader Edward)

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Kennedy Proposed as Replacement for Hillary

Fluffy Kennedy is a very good swimmer.

NEW YORK (AP) – A new name has been proposed as the replacement for Senator Hillary Clinton: Fluffy Kennedy.

Fluffy Kennedy is the heavily spoiled Kennedy family dog, and supporters of his appointment say making him Senator will be a great way to honor the legacy of John F. Kennedy. “In an era where empty hope has won over,” said one supporter, “shouldn’t we also indulge pointless nostalgia? JFK was a great president in how he said inspiring things and was killed. I think Fluffy Kennedy will give us back a piece of that greatness.”

Senator Ted Kennedy also supports the appointment. “Fluffy deserves the Senate seat. He’s from the Kennedy line, and he is a pure bred dog. He only has ever ate the finest foods, and unlike commoners, his life has not been marred by hard work or having a job. Who else can you name who would make a better Senator? Certainly not anyone named Kennedy.”

Republicans have generally been against the appointment. “I swear, the Democrats are all retarded,” said one Republican. “Super retarded, that is. They should literally be wearing helmets at all times to prevent them from injuring their heads that contain their pea-sized brains. Yeah, that’s exactly what the Senate needs: an inbred miniature collie. Still, he’s a better choice than Caroline Kennedy.”

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