Archive for December, 2008

lolbama! Part 3

Tuesday, December 16, 2008 9:10 pm

This week, That One. Next week, terrorists. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ‘em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.



From Mike:


Some submissions for last edition’s uncaptioned picture. There were tons of entries, plus some repeated concepts, so I’m just posting the ones I liked best:

From GEBIV:

From Michael:

From Pergrine John:

From slaphappy1975:

From Zorn:

From Pork & Beans:


This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:

PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolbama! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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Gotta Catch ‘Em All!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008 12:03 pm

Apparently a thousand new species were found in the Greater Mekong region. If you don’t know where that is, it’s just above the Lesser Mekong region and borders Belgium and Uruguay. Anyway, I wonder if that means we’ll be ahead on species this year — you know, a thousand new species minus however many went extinct. If we do come out ahead, does that mean we can pick some species to go extinct to reach equilibrium? If so, I want to make the squirrel extinct. They don’t provide any vital function to the ecosystem and I don’t trust them, so let’s be rid of them. What species do you want to kill off?

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In My World: The Lone Shoeman

Tuesday, December 16, 2008 9:25 am

“It is a time for rebuilding,” President Bush told the Iraqi press. “It is a time for–” A shoe struck Bush in the head. “Ow! What the hell just happened?”

“Oh no!” Maliki exclaimed. “Shoe is grave insult since it rhymes with joo!”

“What kind of dumb baby throws a shoe?” Bush rubbed his forehead. “In America, we express disapproval in a much more civilized manner… such as waving signs while screeching like howler monkeys being slaughtered alive.”

Another shoe flew forward and hit Bush. “Ow! What the frick?”

“You are imperialist pig dog!” the shoe-thrower yelled. “I hate all of America… except Barack Obama. He seems nice.”

“That’s it!” Bush exclaimed. “I’m going to show him what we consider to be a grave insult in America! Hold him down while I urinate on his face!”

* * * *

Bush sat down at his desk in the Oval Office. “It’s nice to be back home where people keep their shoes on their feet. Also, less Muslims.”

Oliver Stone came into the office. “I had a meeting with you.”

“Aren’t you that guy who made a movie about me?” Bush asked. “One I was pretty sure was making fun of me… except I didn’t see it because it didn’t look that interesting.”

“No one saw it,” Stone said, “but I want to make a new movie. I want to buy the movie rights to the shoe throwing incident.”

“Why?”

Stone leaned in close and whispered, “There was more than one shoe-thrower.”

Bush looked shocked. “It was just that guy Muntader al-Zaidi who threw the shoes.”

“That’s what the government wants you to think!” Stone took a photograph out of a folder. “The first shoe was indisputably a right foot shoe, correct?”

“Yeah! It hit me in the head.”

“I had a photo blown up of the second shoe flying through the air, though.” Stone laid down the photo in front of Bush. “Look at the curvature on it. It’s clearly also a right foot shoe. That means the shoes couldn’t have come from one person!”

“Holy crap! But who would put out this lie about the lone shoe-thrower?”

Stone stared at Bush intensely. “The CIA.”

Bush frowned. “I know they didn’t like what they got for funding this last fiscal year, but getting shoes thrown at me seems a little much.”

“We’re going to expose this!” Stone said. “Just let me make the movie.”

Bush was unconvinced. “You’re not going to have Josh Brolin play me again, are you?”

“No. It’s going to be a chimp on a unicycle.”

Dick Cheney entered the office. Bush turned to him and said excitedly. “The shoes getting thrown at me was a conspiracy and a chimp is going to play me in the movie of it. Everyone likes chimps.”

Cheney walked over, picked up Stone, and threw him out the window.

“You threw Oliver Stone out the window!” Bush shouted.

“That’s who that was? I thought he looked familiar.”

“You know, the Secret Service said if people keep falling out that window, they’re going to put bars on it.”

Cheney shrugged. “Whatever. We’re almost done here.”

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Iowahawk Turns Five

Monday, December 15, 2008 8:34 pm

Congratulations.

Right now I’m hoping that by the time IMAO is eight years old I’ll have twenty-five good posts to link back to.

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Question

Monday, December 15, 2008 4:11 pm

Anything provable is disprovable, so what would scientists consider to be evidence against global warming, i.e., if that happened, then global warming can’t be happening? It’s good to tack the scientists down on that answer now, as I’m sure otherwise they’ll just keep moving that bar.

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Jobs from Space

Monday, December 15, 2008 2:02 pm

Instead of bailing out the auto-industry, how about investing that money in finally getting us a workable space-based laser? We can even sell that idea to Congress as a job creation program. You see, for each person we fry with the laser, that’s one more job back on the market.

Think of how encouraging it will be to the recently unemployed when they open the newspaper and see all the new jobs listed like, “terrorist explosive expert,” “dictator for Iran,” and “liberal congressman.”

I know your objection: “Aren’t you just going to use the space laser to shoot hippies, and hippies don’t even have jobs?”

True, but eliminating hippies will still bring down the unemployment statistics… even though hippies never planned on getting jobs.

Anyway, I think this is a very workable program… at least until I figure out how to spin a giant robot with gatling guns for arms as a job creation program.

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His place in history

Monday, December 15, 2008 12:01 pm

When the Electors meet in their respective states’ capitals today to formally cast their ballots for president, something historical will occur.

But I have a question regarding Barack Obama’s place in history: Will he be the second Mob-connected president, or the third?

Just wondering.

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Be Wary of Liberals Near Churches

Monday, December 15, 2008 10:53 am

The possible arson at Palin’s church has made people wonder whether they need to worry about liberals setting fire to their churches. It is a concern.

Now, a liberal is an insane, hate-filled creature and is never going to be near a church except for purposes of evil. If you see a liberal near a church, immediately question him. “What are you doing here?” “What are you planning?” “When will you next bathe?” I also like to violently shake the liberal at this point.

If you find matches or a lighter on the liberal, it’s a good idea to smack him around a bit while asking, “What do you plan to do with this?” It doesn’t matter what he answers; just keep smacking him until he leaves.

If you find this helpful, you might want to put it in your church bulletin.

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Shoe for You

Monday, December 15, 2008 8:44 am

An Iraqi TV reporter threw a shoe at President Bush over the weekend. Here’s the video:

Anyway, here’s a helpful article entitled “In Islamic culture, shoe throwing shows disrespect” in case you were confused whether having a show thrown at your face is respectful or not.

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Cold is the New Hot

Monday, December 15, 2008 6:08 am

I give up. These kool-aid swillers are unparodyable:

“Ironically, 2008 is on pace to be a slightly cooler year in a steadily rising temperature trend line. Experts say it’s thanks to a La Nina weather variation. While skeptics are already using it as evidence of some kind of cooling trend, it actually illustrates how fast the world is warming.”

[hat tip: Freemon Sandlewould]

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Bi-Weekly Hellbender Excuse

Sunday, December 14, 2008 5:16 pm

For those still waiting, I haven’t forgotten about Hellbender. I just haven’t had time to sit down and write. I hope to this Christmas season. The story will have a conclusion; I swear!

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Space Quibbles

Sunday, December 14, 2008 11:06 am

NASA & the incoming Obama team are having a tiff about cutting funds for Project Constellation – the effort to return astronauts to the moon by 2020. I speculate thusly about what else may be on the chopping block:


NASA’s new production facility brings much-needed jobs to Alabama

* Project Gore – Searching for conclusive proof that the global warming on Mars is man-made.

* Project Foxworthy – getting rednecks drunk and luring them out into the woods for a good probin’.

* Project Blagojevich – Selling that valuable @#$%ing NASA directorship to the highest bidder.

* Project Lewinsky – investigating whether NASA could actually operate at a profit if it started making & selling zero-G pr0n.

* Project Big 3 – loaning $15 billion to any car company that agrees to start producing hybrid space shuttles.

* Project Gitmo – placing terrorists in the ultimate secure holding facility: the inescapable gravitation of the sun’s surface.

* Project NotBush – using mind-control space lasers to brainwash people into voting for McCain. Probably SHOULD ax it, since it only worked for the first six months of 2008, anyway.

* Project Marlboro – retrofitting a space shuttle with a smoking section so that Obama can be the first President in space.

* Project Klaatu – searching for extraterrestrial life forms primitive enough to consider Keanu Reeves to have acting skills. Probably something in the amoeba or lichen range.

* Project IMAO – testing uncontrolled fission reactions on natural planetary satellites.


All I know is that until they work the bugs out of the zero-G toilets, I’m staying indoors during “meteor showers”.

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Question

Friday, December 12, 2008 3:03 pm

So what’s up with Blagojevich’s hair? How does someone get hair like that? Shouldn’t there be safeguards against such a thing? If Obama really did meet with Blago, shouldn’t there be some accountability on Obama’s part for not telling Blago how ridiculous he looks?

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Power of Two

Friday, December 12, 2008 11:37 am

I’m not much for tech blogging, but I ran into just a really odd error the other day trying to install SQL Server 2005. For the program to finish installation, it has to run at least once, but it always errored on starting. Hearing hooves and thinking horses, I assumed it was a Vista incompatibility. I later tried again on the same computer with XP on it, and it still didn’t start. With enough Googling, I finally found the problem: My computer has three processors and SQL Server 2005 won’t work on a computer when the number of processors isn’t a power of two.

What the hell? How do you even ship software with a bug like that? Did they assume no one would make a computer with three processors or did they not know of the error because they tested on a computer with one processor and then on a computer with two processors and said, “Well, it must work for all processors! Ship it!” This is why the economy is failing; it’s loss of productivity on crap like that. I wasted a lot of time trying to install that program as it’s a pretty hard error to figure out because it’s not like when a program doesn’t run your first thought is, “Hmm, my computer has a number of processors that isn’t a power of two. I wonder if that could be a problem?”

Anyway, the workaround on the support page didn’t help. Service Pack 2 fixes the problem, but you have to install SQL Server 2005 before you can add SP2, but the program has to run once to install, and it won’t run on a computer with three processors without SP2. Fun times.

As long as we rely on Microsoft software, we’re going to be stuck in the dark ages. It insures that any advancements we make will be offset by having to handle even more bugs in the software. A thousand years from now, we won’t be anywhere further technologically thanks to the few hundred more editions of Windows that will have been forced upon on us to shackle us. And there’s nothing we can do about it.

Well, we could switch to another operating system, but Macs are for homosexuals and Linux is for communists, so scratch that.

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No Screwing with My Stuff Without Representation

Friday, December 12, 2008 9:21 am

All this bailout crap has got me thinking: We need some way to vote out Representatives from other districts.

We have people with absolutely no qualifications whatsoever screwing with American businesses and there is no way to stop them because they live in districts where everyone is retarded like San Francisco or areas of Massachusetts. In a just, capitalistic world, Barney Frank would be living on the streets covered in his own excrement, but instead he gets to screw up business after business with no accountability because apparently he lives in a district where the citizens are constantly being outsmarted by squirrels. Then there’s the senile old curmudgeon Murtha who can call is own people stupid racists and they still vote for him because they’re brain dead (and probably stupid racists).

The original idea was that districts could elect whatever idiots they wanted and it would have a small effect on anyone else because of the limitation of the powers of the federal government. Those days are long gone. And if people like Barney Frank can screw things up that can affect me, then I should have some say about it.

Now, maybe it would be wrong to vote out of office the Representative of another district, but can’t we all vote to strip of them of any power they have? We remove these people from their committees and send them to a separate room in the Capitol where they have to sit quietly and can’t do anything other than vote on bills. It will be like the special ed class of the House. Their idiot districts can keep electing these people, but none of us should have to deal with them.

Now, everyone will probably get partisan about this and try to strip all the Representatives on either side of all their powers, but if that happens, is that really a bad thing?

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Illinois Governor Latest Victim of Senating Market Downturn

Thursday, December 11, 2008 8:05 pm

SPRINGFIELD (AP) – While there’s been a lot of concern about, and much government money thrown at, the Housing market, recent data suggests that the Senating market may be just as bad, if not worse.

“Five bucks. Come on, someone give me just five @#$%ing bucks for this @#$%ing thing!”

Former Illinois Senator turned President-Elect Barack Obama knows this as well as anyone. “I spent almost $10 million on my Senate seat in 2004, fully expecting the value to rise,” he said. “But since the Senating bubble burst last year, it’s not even worth 10% of that. It’s so bad, I didn’t even try to get anything for it. I just cut my losses and walked away. I hope I make more in the Presidenting market.”

The Obama Senate seat, now empty and abandoned, ended up in the hands of Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, who paid approximately squat for the controlling rights in the vacated position. A Senating market neophyte, he’d paid scant attention to pricing trends over the last year, simply assuming that a Senate seat must be “a @#$%ing valuable thing”, just as it always had been in the past.

Sadly, the Governor was mistaken.

“I was getting offers of maybe 100, 200 Grand,” said Blagojevich. “That’s @#$%ing bull@#$%! Yeah, I didn’t actually pay anything for it, but still, I know damn well it’s @#$%ing golden, and I’m just not giving it up for @#$%ing nothing. I’m not gonna do it!”

Still, Blagojevich tries to maintain his optimism. “Even if I can’t unload it this year, I might be able to trade it for something valuable next year, since I’ll probably be living in Federally funded housing by then. Maybe I can get a pack of smokes, some Pruno, or at least a decent shiv for it.”

Senator Hillary Clinton, another victim of the Senating crisis, was sympathetic to the Governor’s plight. “I’ve been holding my Senate seat for six long years, and I’ve got nothing to show for it. At this point, I’d even go to work as a Secretary if it got me out of here.”

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Random Thought

Thursday, December 11, 2008 3:59 pm

There have been a lot of portrayals of vampires in fiction lately, but know who I think is the most powerful one? The Count from Sesame Street. He can’t be killed by either sunlight or a stake to the heart. Also, I’m pretty sure even a shotgun full of silver shot won’t even stop him (though I haven’t put this theory to test). His only weakness is counting.

Still, I’m not saying he’s as powerful as Grimace who I’m pretty sure is unkillable. I’m just glad he’s on our side. Did you see the one ad for the McDonald’s sundae where he rips apart a polar bear? Grimace is basically an unstoppable force who’s vengeance is as brutal as it is just.

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Saving the American Auto Industry

Thursday, December 11, 2008 11:38 am

If you’re going to put someone in charge of the American auto industry to save it, I think it should be me. I have actual ideas on how to sell more American cars.

First off, they need to be bigger. Like enormous. The first thing people should say when they see the car is, “Holy crap!” It should be big enough to run over and crush other cars. The front of it should also resemble a skull.

See, here’s the marketing strategy: People who buy these new American cars will run over and crush smaller dinky cars. Those people will be forced to buy new American cars so they don’t get crushed again. That’s basic economics right there.

To make the cars cheaper, no more union labor. They’re stupid and expensive. Instead, robots. But not just any robots. Robots with two arms. One arm will be for working on the car. The other will be for wielding a switchblade in a menacing manner. This makes sure no one messes with the robot. It’s a quality control feature.

Now Congress is going to be like, “Your cars are too big. They’re putting too much carbon in the air. Carbon hurts babies. Blah bla blah bla blah.” So I’m going to send my robots to their houses. The robots take pride in their work and don’t like people denigrating it. They will cut you for that. Soon Congress will stop passing laws against awesome cars because of their natural fear of robots with switchblades.

So that’s my plan for the American auto industry. Oh, also I want to look into whether open carry laws means you can mount a machine gun on your car. That will be an optional feature.

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Be Wary of Obama and Guns

Thursday, December 11, 2008 9:08 am

A lot of people are buying guns as they don’t trust Obama and thinks he’s going to pass laws against firearms. Obama certainly doesn’t have a good record when it comes to that.

To make sure he doesn’t try and take your guns, first thing I’d be wary of is answering any questions about whether you own guns in a job application for his administration. That could be a trick so later he can come back and take your guns. Also, if he comes over to your house and asks if he can see your guns, don’t show them to him. The other day he was at my house and was like, “Hey, can I see some of your guns? I bet they are neat!”

And I was like, “Okay.” So I got a couple and brought them to him. He just set them down in front of him and got out a notepad and started writing something. So I was like, “What are you writing?”

And he said, “Stuff.”

So I got closer to try and get a look, but he kept moving the notepad so I couldn’t see. So I snatched it from him. He was writing down my guns’ serial numbers! I was like, “Hey!”

And he said, “Can I see more guns?”

And I said, “No!”

And he said, “Can some of my friends come in here?”

And I was like, “Are they known terrorists?”

And he was like, “Why are you asking so many questions?”

So I said, “You get out of my house right now, Obama!”

Do not trust that guy when it comes to guns. He’s sneaky.

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Birth Certificate Follow Up

Wednesday, December 10, 2008 3:23 pm

Some of you are saying that if Obama doesn’t produce whatever you consider to be an actual birth certificate, then the Constitution will catch fire and explode. If you want to get technical, though, there isn’t actually any mention of birth certificates in the Constitution.

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