Archive for January, 2009

I’m still confused…

Saturday, January 31, 2009 3:27 pm

Nobody ever explained to me how nearly 2-million people could get into Washington, DC, in freezing weather in one day, when 200,000 couldn’t get out of New Orleans at 80 degrees with four days notice?

Can you explain it?

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Obama: “I Don’t Care About White People”

Saturday, January 31, 2009 7:00 am

WASHINGTON (AP) – While hundreds of thousands of people in Kentucky go without heat or electricity due to this week’s ice storm, President Barack Obama explained his indifference to the weather-related tragedy by saying “I’ve been kinda busy this week, and besides, I don’t care about white people, anyway.”

“Well, if you’re cold, just turn up the damn thermostat, you stupid cracker!.”

After the vicious winter storm swept through the state, more than half a million people Kentuckians were left shivering in the dark. “We’ve got lots of counties that do not have any communication, any heat, any power,” Steve Beshear, the state’s governor, said Wednesday.

“I can’t believe they’re closing down the state because of what, some ice?” said Obama incredulously. “When it comes to the weather, those inbred honkies don’t seem to be able to handle things. Too bad they don’t have my flinty Chicago toughness. It’s even more too bad that Kentucky used to be a slave state. I guess being afflicted by all those white-devil snow flakes is simply God’s justice.”

So far, 24 deaths have officially been blamed on the storm. That toll is expected to rise over the next few weeks, since damage was so widespread that repair crews don’t anticipate complete restoration of services until mid-February. Emergency officials said that utility workers were doing everything they could, but that there simply were too many felled lines, especially in remote areas of the state, to move any faster.

“I’d really love to help out,” said Obama, absent-mindedly scratching his face with his middle finger, “but I’ve got my hands full trying to push my stimulus package past those Pigmently-Challenged partisan hack Republicans in the Senate. Speaking of Republicans, did you know I only got 40% of the vote in yonder red state? And NOW they want me to make them a priority? I guess hillbillies really are as dumb as everyone says.”

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Link of the Day

Friday, January 30, 2009 8:42 pm

Best newsish fakery you’ll read that’s not written by me:

Media Votes to Expel Rod Blagojevich from Democrat Party

Nice one, Rev. Right.

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Congratulations Michael Steele!

Friday, January 30, 2009 8:13 pm

And congratulations to the Republicans for now going a couple days in a row without completely screwing things up. That they even considered reelecting the current chair is a bit of a head scratcher, but so far so good. Now let’s see what Senate Republicans do with the craptastic “stimulus”.

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Getting what you voted for

Friday, January 30, 2009 6:00 pm

With the President ordering the closing of Guantanamo Bay, the question arises: what to do with the prisoners there?

Of course, there are some on the left that think they need to be released. This, despite ongoing reports of former detainees returning to terrorism.

However, let’s assume that the administration recognizes that the bad guys are bad guys and need to be kept locked up somewhere.

Some states are saying they don’t want them. And I agree. I don’t want my state housing them.

But, then again, my state voted for McCain.

I have a solution that ought to make everybody happy: Spread the Guantanamo Bay prisoners around among the states that voted for Obama. I mean, after all, he campaigned on the promise to close Gitmo. So it’s not like they didn’t know he’d do it, right?

Well, it was okay with them if he did. So much so that they voted him into office.

I’m for having those responsible for putting Obama into office having to put up with the consequences.

Here’s the plan: There are, by one count, 245 prisoners at Guantanamo Bay. 28 states and the District of Columbia awarded 365 Electoral Votes to Obama.

Spread them out accordingly.

For each Electoral Vote for Obama, a state gets just over 2/3 (0.671) of a prisoner. Here’s the breakdown:

State Electoral Votes Guantanamo Bay
prisoners
California 55 36
Colorado 9 6
Connecticut 7 5
Delaware 3 2
D.C. 3 2
Florida 27 18
Hawaii 4 3
Illinois 21 14
Indiana 11 7
Iowa 7 5
Maine 4 3
Maryland 10 7
Massachusetts 12 8
Michigan 17 11
Minnesota 10 7
Nebraska 1 1
Nevada 5 3
New Hampshire 4 3
New Jersey 15 10
New Mexico 5 3
New York 31 21
North Carolina 15 10
Ohio 20 13
Oregon 7 5
Pennsylvania 21 14
Rhode Island 4 3
Vermont 3 2
Virginia 13 9
Washington 11 7
Wisconsin 10 7
365 245

This could solve all kinds of problems.

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Question

Friday, January 30, 2009 4:13 pm

If we send terrorists to regular prison, aren’t patriotic prisoners just going to shiv them? So who should be against that?

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Celebrity Windfall Profits Tax

Friday, January 30, 2009 1:04 pm

Here’s an awesome idea from a blogger at Big Hollywood: Windfall profits tax on celebrities. Hollywood should be all for that ’cause they want to help people and stuff. I say cut off actor salaries at like $100,000; that’s plenty of money for something that’s really more of a calling that an outright job. It is kinda silly that the people who pretend to do important things earn more money than the people who actually do important things; that’s just stupid capitalism messing up fairness. We should save the large salaries for people who kill evil foreigners.

And software engineers; that’s important too. I don’t know why they don’t do more movies about those people.

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Jobs for Journalists

Friday, January 30, 2009 11:15 am

Here’s an interesting post on what journalists do after they lose their job. I always assumed they just found a hole somewhere to die in, but apparently a lot of them get other jobs. I don’t know what a former journalist is qualified for, though. I mean, that aren’t really a lot of jobs for dimwitted, partisan hacks. There are college professors, but there are already so many useless liberals vying for those cushy jobs. I guess a former journalist can be that guy who rips your ticket when you go to the movies. They could also probably stand by the side of a road and wave a sign for some business. Any other ideas?

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The New Single Party Bipartisanship Is Here

Friday, January 30, 2009 10:05 am

It’s easy to make fun of Obama, but sometimes you have to admire his skilled unipartisanship. It’s pretty hard to make a bill so bad that you can’t even get one squish Republican to vote for it. Well, at least when the economy improves (as always happens when the government spends larges sums of tax money) the Democrats can take all the credit.

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Ancient Proverbs

Friday, January 30, 2009 8:50 am

Why read IMAO when can you just read Iowahawk.

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A Story Bit-By-Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 48 – Discouraging

Thursday, January 29, 2009 5:10 pm

PREVIOUS
Chapters 1 – 39 Archive

“I’m Ed.”

“Well, Ed, we’re kinda busy here,” Stan said with more than a hint of annoyance.

Doug looked at Ed quizzically. “You live here?”

“Yeah, it’s right in the middle of nothing. It’s nice and quiet.” He motioned behind him down a cave path. “I’m roasting some chicken if you guys want some.”

Doug was pretty hungry, but it didn’t seem like a time to pause to eat. “I have to help my friends.”

“If I were in your position, dude, I would not be rushing off to anything.”

“Why? What do you know? Are you one of…” Doug pointed to Stan. “…them?”

“I’m just someone who just got screwed in this type of conflict before.”

“He’s nothing, Doug,” Stan stated quite firmly. “Ignore him.”

“I don’t really care if you listen to me or not — I’m pretty much done with the whole caring thing — but I just heard this guy filling your head with a bunch of nonsense so I thought I’d say something. He’s trying to convince you that you can win this, but it’s a load of crap.”

“I can’t win?” Doug asked, a little more scared now.

Ed laughed. “Come on. Look what you’re up against. What the hell do you expect to do?”

“Well, I saw I have some power–”

“Like you understood anything you saw when you were tortured. The truth is all you humans are completely screwed, and there ain’t nothing you can do about while you wait for those in power to finally figure out how to get rid of you.”

“I don’t believe you,” Doug said, though he didn’t quite sell it.

“You believe him?” Ed pointed to Stan.

“The fact is, you won’t know who tells the truth until you try,” Stan said.

Ed laughed again and looked to Doug. “Yeah, _he_ won’t know until you try. You’re basically a canary in a coal mine for him. The guy set this up to see whether or not you get completely slaughtered, and he has his plans either way.”

Doug approached Ed angrily. “So what do you expect me to do? Just abandon everyone?”

Ed shrunk back a little. “Hey, don’t yell at me. I’m just telling you the truth. You getting crushed by forces beyond your understanding isn’t going to help your friends either. You can either play this stupid game, or you can walk away.”

“So nothing will stop Loch, Ronove, and the others? What about God?”

“Come on, dude. What do you think? You really think Him, Santa Claus, and an honest lawyer are going to swoop in at the last minute and save the day? This world is just crap fighting crap over more crap. That’s all it ever was and all it ever will be. You can try and put a meaning to it if it makes you feel better, though.”

Doug was getting frustrated to the point of breaking. “So you’re saying it’s all pointless?”

“People made up religion because they just can’t accept the fact that whether you spend your life helping people or murdering babies, it all ends the same. And whether you help your friends or walk away, it won’t make a difference in the end. I’m just telling you because it seems like one of you humans deserves to know the truth from someone who knows.”

“He’s just a disgruntled loser,” Stan told Doug. “He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

“Shut up!” Doug yelled. “I’m not listening to you anymore!”

“You never should have listened to him in the first place,” Ed said. “That’s a good policy with any nutter who introduces himself as the Devil.”

Doug turned back to Ed. “And I’m not listening to you either! You do seem like a loser.”

He chuckled. “Sorry I’m not as awesome as you.”

“None of you know anything, so I’m done listenting to any of you! I’m going to go help my friends. I don’t know exactly how, but I know it’s worthless trying to get any answers out of you… things!” Doug turned to leave to see more cave walls. He then looked back to Stan and Ed. “Um… so how do I get to Loch?”

“I’ll show you,” Ed said and motioned for Doug to follow. He led Doug down a torch lit path to where there was a chicken roasting on a spit next to what looked like a small pond. “Sure you don’t want any chicken?”

“I don’t have time to be eating chicken!” Doug snapped.

Ed frowned. “It’s good chicken.”

Doug looked around. “Where’d Stan go?”

Ed shrugged. “Maybe he’s moved on to other things.”

“So how do I get to Loch’s ship?”

Ed pointed to the pond. Doug looked at it more carefully, and thought he saw something moving in the murky water.

“I gotta swim through there?”

Ed nodded. “Underwater tunnel will take you to Loch’s ship.”

“But the ship is flying in the air. That doesn’t make any sense.”

“What does.” Ed walked over to check on his chicken.

Doug took another look at the water. “Is it a long tunnel? Will I be able to hold my breath for it?”

Ed cut off a chicken leg. “How am I supposed to know how long you can hold your breath?”

Doug poked the water with his sword, and he thought he saw something grab at it. “Are there things in there?”

“Yeah I forgot to tell you about that.” He took a bit of his chicken. “I’m not sure what they are, but they will rip you apart if you fear them.”

Doug saw more movement, but no shapes for his mind to latch on to. “I just have to… um… not fear them and they won’t touch me?”

“Yeah… I think… I’m not really sure.” He took another bite of chicken. “Maybe they rip you apart no matter what, but I’m quite sure fearing them isn’t going to help.”

Doug glared at Ed. “You really suck.”

“Whatever. Hey, it’s a hard path, but if you survive it, it will make getting ripped apart by Loch feel like you really earned it.”

Doug stared at the water. He was pretty sure those things were going to tear him to pieces, but he wasn’t going to make it easy on them. “So you sure this will take me to my friends?”

“Yep.”

“Then that’s all I need to know.” He gripped his sword firmly and prepared to jump in.

“Hey, one last thing, dude.”

Doug looked at Ed with annoyance. “What?”

“Good luck.”

NEXT

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In My World: Window

Thursday, January 29, 2009 12:39 pm

“I can’t believe all the Republicans in the house voted against the stimulus package,” Rahm Emanuel said. “Weren’t you supposed to call some of them and convince them, Geithner?”

“Yeah, sorry, Dude; I forgot,” Timothy Geithner said as he slumped back in his chair.

“But that was important!”

“Calm down, dude. You sound like the IRS.”

“We need the Republicans to fall in line so we don’t get all the blame for a bad economy,” Rahm said. “I wonder if Obama going after Rush Limbaugh was a bad idea.”

“No, it was a good idea!” Rarl Kove asserted. “He needs to keep making Limbaugh his focus… maybe even call in to his show.”

Rahm looked at Kove suspiciously. “I’m not sure that’s good advice.”

“That’s because you’re stupid!”

Geithner looked around the Oval Office. “So where is the president?”

“I don’t know,” Rahm said. “He was going to get some fresh air and come right back in here.”

They heard some clawing at a window. They turned to see Obama at a window, clawing at it frantically since it lacked a doorknob.

“No, Obama,” Rahm called out. “That’s a window; not a door.”

“Maa! Maa!” Obama cried out in frustration as he continued to claw at the window.

“Somebody should help him,” Rahm said.

“No, he needs to do this himself to show he can overcome adversity,” Kove said as he straightened his mustache which had become crooked.

“The guy is like super smart — he’s always telling me so,” Geithner said. “He’ll totally figure it out eventually.”

The clawing stopped and Rahm didn’t see Obama at the window anymore. “I guess he went to find the door. Anyway, we–”

There was a loud thump as something hit the window. They all looked to see Obama lying in the ground right in front of the window.

“Did he just run into window?” Rahm asked.

“I think he couldn’t see because he had a bucket stuck on his head,” Geithner said.

“How’d he get a bucket stuck on his head so quickly?”

“We need to get the media over here now to film what a Bohemian Obama is,” Kove suggested.

“I really think you’re making bad suggestions,” Rahm said.

“I really think you’re a homo,” Kove retorted.

Rahm looked at Kove suspiciously again. “So where are you from?”

“Cenver, Dolorado.”

“That sounds like a made up place.”

“You sound made up!”

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Super-Smart Obama

Thursday, January 29, 2009 10:28 am

I was going to stop making jokes about Obama getting a bucket stuck on his head because I thought that joke had run its course, but then this happened. Now the bucket being stuck on his head doesn’t sound so outlandish.

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The Pledge

Thursday, January 29, 2009 8:36 am

Zo talks about the celebrity pledge and libertarianism.

And we get a mention! IMAO will always have the claim to fame of putting up Zo videos before everybody did.

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Holy Crap!

Wednesday, January 28, 2009 7:38 pm

Did you know there are 177 Republicans in the House? Supposedly, there are less Republicans in the House now after the last couple elections, but that seems like more Republicans than I remember hearing about in years.

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Petition Against Limbaugh

Wednesday, January 28, 2009 2:21 pm

Limbaugh said he hopes Barack Obama will fail, so the Democrats have made a petition against Rush. See, they suspect Obama probably will fail, and then if that happens people will be like, “This is exactly what Rush hoped would happen! He has the power to shape reality!” And then the Democrats will be like, “What if the next thing he hopes is for man-sized badgers to bite our heads off?” But then they’ll hear a loud scratching at the door and cries of, “Kree! Kree!” (which is the sound I imagine man-sized badgers would make). Then the door will come crashing down and the Democrats will be like, “Aieeeee!”

So that’s why they have an online petition.

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Top Ten New Looming Environmental Disasters

Wednesday, January 28, 2009 12:39 pm

So whatever happened to acid rain and the ozone layer? I used to hear about that all the time as a kid and now it’s never mentioned? Did we fix that or did we just get bored of it?

People are probably wondering what will be the big evironmental fear after we get bored with global warming climate change. Here are some doomsday environmental causes that are just starting to get notice:

TOP TEN NEW LOOMING ENVIRONMENTAL DISASTERS

10. The earth is getting more oval shaped.

9. Trees have become anti-Semitic.

8. Trilobites aren’t extinct and they’re angry!

7. Earth’s ecosystem was never built to handle so many small, yiping dogs.

6. Monkeys are getting smarter and are plotting to blow up the Statue of Liberty.

5. Whales are becoming anorexic.

4. Earth’s magma is becoming polluted.

3. Canadian geese enter our country illegally and take the jobs of American geese.

2. Earth’s axis is being thrown off by the weight of all those obese children.

And the number one new looming environmental disaster is…

(more…)

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Morally Bankrupt Actors Seek Spiritual Bailout

Wednesday, January 28, 2009 10:00 am

HOLLYWOOD (AP) – Facing a critical shortage of public appreciation for good deeds that they meant to do but never quite found the time for, a group of Hollywood actors is seeking a “spiritual bailout” from Washington that will give them immediate recognition for the goodness of their souls in exchange for a videotaped pledge to get around to performing various commendable acts sometime during the Obama adminstration’s tenure.

“Maybe I’ll even shave off my Che Guevera chin-whiskers”

“During the eight years of the oppressive Bush regime,” said actress Demi Moore, “the only people whose virtue got recognized were soldiers, police, firefighters, and other stupid heroes. Maybe those jerks had courage tempered by modesty, but WE have good intentions! Where the hell is OUR adulation?”

“Just because we’ve never done an unselfish thing before in our lives doesn’t mean we won’t do something good eventually,” said actor Ashton Kutcher. “It’s just that we’re a little tapped out on charity, decency, and compassion right now, and we kinda need the moral credit for it up front. We’re definitely good for it. The only way we’d fail to keep our end of the bargain would be if we got too busy smoking crack or getting out of limos without panties on, and what are the chances of something like THAT happening?”

President Obama vowed to make the ethical rescue package a priority for his adminstration.

“These tough times call for bold action,” said Obama. “In order to stimulate America’s flagging feel-good promises market, we must immediately give our brave thespians gratitude and credit for the good deeds that they may very well someday do eventually when it’s a little more convenient and their agents don’t have them booked solid. We need to quit listening to Rush Limbaugh’s pointless lauding of those who put their lives on the line for this country. I won, and I will trump him on that by investing our precious national appreciation in theatrical good intentions.”

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Stupid Scientists

Wednesday, January 28, 2009 9:21 am

This is why I hate scientists. Destroying the world with black holes is a risk worth taking to learn information two or three of them might find mildly interesting. Back in my day — the eighties — if scientists started spending too much time studying things we didn’t care about, we’d put burlap sacks over their heads and throw them in a bog. That’s because capitalism ruled the day back then, and super colliders just don’t fit into that — unless there becomes a market for doomsday devices.

Anyway, if one of these scientists accidentally makes a black hole that starts to swallow the earth, I wrote a Know Thy Enemy™ about it a while back, so read up and take caution.

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The opposite of progress? Congress!

Wednesday, January 28, 2009 6:54 am

So, the Congress is now looking to delay the switchover to digital TV.

Wow. Just wow.

Congress decided we all (even my 95-year-old grandmother) needed digital TV. Then they set aside money to partially pay for the changeover.

Now, the program to offset the cost for digital converter boxes is out of money, and the Congress is planning to delay the switchover.

Who would have imagined that Congress could have created a huge, unworkable, burdensome process … then screwed it up even worse?

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