In My World: First Business
“Yay! I’m president now! Time to get to work!” Obama scampered to his desk. “Time to do something about babies! I hate them!”
Rahm Emanuel walked over to Obama with a form. “You said you’d first sign a form closing Gitmo.”
“Fine.” Obama grabbed the form and signed it.
“Uh… You signed it ‘Osama’.”
“Dammit! Not again!” Obama crossed it out and signed it again. “There! Done! Now get me something to sign to help eliminate babies!”
“You really should be focusing on the economy or the war,” Rahm said.
“I don’t care about those! I want to stop babies right now! I hate them so much!”
The phone rang and Obama answered, “Hi, it’s me the president, Obama.”
“It’s Robert Gates. I just want you to know we’ve located some high priority targets.”
“If they’re babies, you have authorization for lethal force!”
“So why do you hate babies so much?” Rahm asked.
“They are a punishment!” Obama shouted. “People adore them when they should be adoring me! They should be telling me how cute I am! I want them gone!”
Rahm handed him another form. “Here, you can sign this and you can lift restrictions on funding international aid groups that fund abortion.”
“Yes!” Obama eagerly signed it. “Take that, babies!”
“Uh… you signed it Osama again.”
“Dammit! Can’t we just make it a legal alias? We’ll save time that way.”
“The press is here to see you,” said a voice over the intercom.
The press entered the Oval Office. “It’s so great to see you, President Obama!” they exclaimed. “You’re the greatest!”
“Thanks!” Obama said. “Do you have any questions?”
“No! We wouldn’t dare question you. We just wanted to tell you how great you are!” The press then left the office.
Obama smiled. “I like the media.”
Biden came into the office. “So anything you need me to do?”
“I need you to stay out of the way and shut your stupid mouth!” Obama shouted. “And your wife’s mouth too! If some cracker assassinates me, you’ll get a call. Until then, I don’t want to hear or see you!”
“You got it,” Biden said as he left.
“That’s talking!” Obama yelled. He turned to Rahm. “That guy is trouble. If he gets too much exposure, he could let out my terrible secret: I’m afraid of black people. Like every time I hug my kids, I instinctively check my wallet.”
“What about your wife?”
“I don’t hug her; that’s why we have that fist bump thing.”
A mustachioed man entered the office. “I’m ready to get to work.”
“Who’s that?” Rahm asked Obama.
“That’s my new consultant I hired: Rarl Kove.”
Rahm looked at him suspiciously. “Okay. I guess I’ll leave you two.” He left the office.
Kove walked over to Obama and whispered, “You know, there is something about that guy I just don’t trust.”
“Yeah, he is kinda weasely. Plus how can I trust someone with such a weird name: Rahm.”
(49 votes, average: 4.92 out of 5)
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January 26th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
First!
January 26th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
A new administration, and IMAO continues its unparalleled access to the highest levels of government. Amazing coverage, Frank.
But I fear that I can’t go on reading these pages and retain my well-known libertarian-conservative image. Your extreme liberalness will taint me.
January 26th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
I guess the next 20 years are going to be fun! After the dens roll away the two term limit, we will need your humor Frank!
January 26th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Oh, I get it, Osama would never hire Karl Rove. Unparalleled satire, Frank.
January 26th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
I don’t know how Frank maintains his sense of humor during this political / economic crisis while most of us are crankier than snot.
January 26th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Jimmy, I know Frank is a very funny writer and all, but his behind-the-scenes hard news pieces of investigative reporting like this article are a different kettle of fish. His motivation is clearly a patriotic desire to dissent so that the Truth might be Spoken to Power, and in all cases of which I’m aware, he has succeeded.
January 26th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
Indeed, Socrates, and the world has beaten a path to Frank’s door which is adorned by all the ‘classical liberalism’ typical of the 19th century.
But what I don’t understand is how such sheer arrogance can be accompanied by the most gentle of souls. Me thinks he maintains Harvey as a defensive ruse lest an attack by modern conservatives really gets out of hand.
January 26th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
The Master of Darkness is back!
January 26th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
When GWB and Rumsfeld and crew were the central characters, the satire was clear. But now in the Obama administration, everything I’ve just read seems totally believable. Cuh-ray-zee.
January 26th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
Hey, more abortions for America-hating Third Worlders? Works for me…
January 26th, 2009 at 6:08 pm
No wonder Rahm baby is so angry all the time…..with a name like that, he must have had the snot beaten out of him on a regular basis.
I’m going to make it a point to make fun of him every chance I get. I think I can get him to snap sometime in March….
January 26th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
They’re not really abortions…they’re child sacrifices to the Messiah.
January 26th, 2009 at 7:48 pm
I get it now, when they were yelling baby killer in the sixties, it wasn’t a racial slur, they were just introducing themselves!
January 26th, 2009 at 9:56 pm
Today’s Bible lesson:
– II Kings 6:25-29
“And there was a great famine in Samar’ia as they besieged it, until an ass’s head was sold for eighty shekels (1) of silver, and the fourth part of a kab (2) of seed pods (3) for five shekels (4) of silver.
Now as the king of Israel was passing by upon the wall, a woman cried out to him, saying, “Help, my lord, O king!”
And he said, “If the LORD will not help you, whence shall I get help for you? From the threshing floor, or from the wine press?” and the king asked her, “What is your trouble?”
She answered, “This woman said to me, ‘Give your son, that we may eat him today, and we will eat my son tomorrow.’
So we boiled my son, and ate him.
And on the next day I said to her, ‘Give your son, that we may eat him’; but she has hidden her son.” (5)
(1) That is, about 2 pounds
(2) Probably 1/2 pint
(3) or dove’s dung
(4) probably 2 ounces
(5) Nancy Pelosi (D), Speaker of the House, says, “Contraception will reduce costs to the state.”
(Can Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal” be far behind?)
January 26th, 2009 at 10:11 pm
***No wonder Rahm baby is so angry all the time…..with a name like that, he must have had the snot beaten out of him on a regular basis.
I’m going to make it a point to make fun of him every chance I get. I think I can get him to snap sometime in March….****
No. He gets the snot beaten out of him for being a ballerina.
January 26th, 2009 at 10:11 pm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Modest_Proposal
January 26th, 2009 at 11:21 pm
Obama’s probably got the FBI scouring the Oval Office right now trying to figure out where Frank J. planted the microphones. And, yes, in case you’re wondering: Frank’s tapes from the Nixon years have no 18-minute gap.
January 27th, 2009 at 12:11 am
Actually, his FIRST order of business was an executive order making sure of the confidentiality of his records. What records? Have we seen any so far?
See: http://garyeubanks.blogspot.com/2009/01/obamas-first-executive-order-what-was.html
January 27th, 2009 at 1:22 am
Now that he’s Prez, BHO only waits half as long at Dennys. Quite the perk I must say.
January 27th, 2009 at 2:29 am
“I don’t know how Frank maintains his sense of humor during this political / economic crisis while most of us are crankier than snot.”
That’s why we need this site. To laugh at this whole mess. If we can still laugh (even if we can’t make the jokes) there’s some hope
January 27th, 2009 at 3:15 am
“I’m afraid of black people. Like every time I hug my kids, I instinctively check my wallet.”
L.O. freakin’ L.
That, sir, was the funniest single line satire I’ve read in some time.
January 27th, 2009 at 11:05 am
Way too precious, and oh so accurate.
January 27th, 2009 at 7:09 pm
why do people keep saying this is funny dont they know true reporting when they see it ? i guess they have been brainwashed by the media.