Poo-Flinging Monkey on the Loose
Thanks to numerous readers, I’ve been alerted that a feces throwing monkey is loose in Tampa Bay. Really, this is not the sort of problem a civilized nation should have to deal with. I could see this happening in Mexico, but we were supposed to have solved the monkey problem long ago. As you know, North America used to be covered in monkeys. They were a common subject of Native American art. But when the first European settler set foot on America, the first thing that happened was he was hit by a piece of poo throw by an angry monkey. The settler then said, “That’s is; let’s kill them all,” and soon thereafter North America was monkey free and American exceptionlaism began. If you look at statistics, the advancement of a country can be measured in dead monkeys.
I am not a crank!
(24 votes, average: 4.88 out of 5)
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January 16th, 2009 at 11:47 am
So The O’ne is in Florida today?
January 16th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
But is it THE poo-flinging monkey?
January 16th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
Finally, some real journalism. After losing endless amounts of credibility covering the trivial goings on in Washington, DC, it is good to have IMAO return to its roots covering the great historical events unfolding before us in its characteristically even-handed way.
After the sting of defeat in the Weblog Awards this year, a Pulitzer would be a nice rebound, I think. This is just the sort of story that can take you there, Frank. Dig in and don’t let go. Uncover every tidbit you can and challenge the conventional wisdom on this one.
Does the Pulitzer carry a cash prize, or just the right to the phrase “Pulitzer-winning journalist”?
January 16th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
Frank, if you had better aim, this wouldn’t be a problem. You need to learn to fix your problems, instead of just running away from them, by moving to another state.
January 16th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
I though Randall Cunningham passed the torch to that one.
January 16th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Deep, calming breaths…
January 16th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
A friend and I were discussing this monkey dilema yesterday, and the authorities have obviously given into the treehuggers with respect to how to manage non-native wildlife..the solution is simple.
Remington 870 $250..box of shells $10..the scream as it falls…priceless
January 16th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
This is a new problem? Reno has undergone an epic invasion of poo-flinging monkeys for the last 15 years. We know the species better as California liberals that won’t go home.
January 16th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
Crank!
January 16th, 2009 at 5:23 pm
We here at the ACLU are here to inform you that we will be defending the rights of this undocumented Simian-American.
The so-called “poo-flinging” is racist in its description, refusing to acknowledge the inherent, and long-standing tradition of Simian-Americans “gifting” others around them with this most intimate of personal treasures.
Furthermore, we are here to insist–nay, DEMAND– that you modify your terminology immediately to embrace the cultural diversity of your Simian-American brethren and sistren.
Failure to do so will be met with this site being harrangued by a battalion of scruffy, tweed-wearing, middle-of-their-lawschool-class graduates inundating your site until you capitulate to our desire to enforce tolerance and diversity.
January 16th, 2009 at 5:50 pm
The only good monkey is a dead monkey…filthy, hairy, poo-flinging (e.g. liberal) dead monkeys.
January 16th, 2009 at 10:12 pm
Sometimes I think all reporters are idiots. The linked article says, “The monkey is not considered dangerous.” How is that congruent with the articles description of the monkey as a 45 pound angry known poo-flinger.
January 17th, 2009 at 9:47 am
The Vikings should draft him!
January 17th, 2009 at 11:16 am
Come to think…that Poo-Flinging Mammal looks an awful lot like George Stephanapoulas…steppinoutpolis…whatever the hell his last name is. He’s been seen on the East Coast shrieking about charging Bush and Cheney with war crimes….I think this feces-tossing, hairy little nuisance is him!
I think a 6 foot long tranquilizer dart (e.g.) harpoon is in order.
January 17th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Get that monkey back to Congress