In My World: Doing a Lot and Doing It Poorly

Rahm Emanuel entered the Oval Office. “You might want to take things a little slower, Obama.”

“I know exactly what I’m doing!” President Obama shouted.

“Well, the stock market is diving every time you speak, and it’s not like your meeting with the Prime Minister of Britain went well.”

* * * *

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, President Obama,” Gordon Brown said as he entered the Oval Office.

“It is a pleasure to meet me,” Obama said very matter of factly. “Everyone wants to meet me. I’m very popular.”

“Yes, well, I wanted to give you these gifts as an offer of friendship. Here is a pen holder carved from the wood of the sister ship of from which your desk is made.”

“A wooden pen holder?” Obama said angrily. “I can hold my own pens! I’m a genius!”

Brown was a bit taken aback. “Yes… well… Here is a seven volume biography of Winston Churchill.”

Obama scrunched his face. “I don’t know who that is or why I should care about him. Anyway, I guess I should give you something…” Obama rummaged through a desk drawer. “Here are twenty-five classic American movies.”

Brown looked through them. “Deuce Bigalow? Naked Gun 33 and a 1/3? These are from the bargain bin at Wal-Mart… and there is only seven of them.”

“Hey! At least one of those is a Must Love Dogs/You’ve Got Mail double feature!”

“Oh, okay…”

“You’re ungrateful!” Obama screamed. “You’ve met the one and only Obama and you’re ungrateful!”

“No, I’m very thankful…”

“I declare war on you! War! WAAAAAR!”

“Please… don’t… I… um… Are you… high?”

* * * *

“We’re you?” Rahm asked.

Obama stared down at his desk and didn’t answer.

“Could you stop snorting coke long enough to answer me!”

“Hey! I’m just doing enough to take the edge off. And I don’t think I did as bad at foreign affairs as Hillary who’s supposed to be so much more experienced!”

* * * *

“Here’s is a reset button to reset the American-Russian relationship.” Hillary handed Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov a red button on a yellow box.

“Um… it doesn’t say reset.”

“Yes it does,” Hillary stated. “My people are very smart and that’s the Russian word they came up with for reset.”

“I know Russian and it doesn’t say reset.”

“It says reset!” Hillary snapped.

“I’m a native speaker of Russian, and–”

Hillary leaped at him and grabbed his throat. “How dare you contradict me! How about I push a big red button and reset your whole @#$% country!”

* * * *

“At least Gibbs explained things to the press very nicely,” Obama said.

“He’s ended his last three press conferences curled in a ball, crying, and wetting himself.”

“That’s Gibbs!” Obama chuckled. “Anyway, I have a new list of enemies I want him to call out. I was looking through some blogs and blog comments, and I wrote down everyone who criticized me. I want him to personally name them and call them traitors. I’ll teach CoolDude447 to call me ‘teh ghey’!”

“I’m not really sure we should be spending time on that,” Rahm said.

“If other things need to get done, can’t you have my vice president what’s-his-name handle it?”

“Biden barely has enough brain power to remember to breathe on a regular basis.”

“Whatever. Soon my troubles with my enemies will be over. I even have troops looking for Rush Limbaugh right now in the mountains on the border of Pakistan.”

“Um… they’re not looking for Limbaugh.”

“But I thought I heard they were looking for America’s number one enemy?”

“They’re looking for Osama,” Rahm explained, “and we’ve had trouble retasking them to anything else.”

* * * *

Buck the Marine got a call on his radio. “Buck here.”

“Buck, you have an order from Obama.”

“I’m already looking for Osama,” Buck answered.

“No, it’s an order from Obama.”

“I don’t take orders from terrorists.”

“No, Obama, in D.C.”

“Osama is in Washington D.C.! He must be up to something big!”

“No, President Obama.”

“Osama has taken over the country and declared himself leader?” Buck exclaimed. “Don’t worry; I’ll lead the resistance from the outside the country.”

“Yeah… um… you do that.”

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26 Comments

  1. Pingback: Can Has Bukkit on Haid? | Autumn People

  2. Biden barely has enough brain power to remember to breathe on a regular basis.

    Priceless. And versatile – you can substitute the name of almost any member of Obama’s cabinet, or the name of the Speaker of the House or the Senate majority leader or the mayor of San Francisco or . . .

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  3. Excellent, but the laugh I’m laughing is kind of a nervous…”that was funny, I think” kind of laugh… You know the kind of laugh you have when they pants you in front of the rest of the school…err…

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  4. Typical Obama cabinet meeting………..Prez Obama [pointing to Hillary Clinton] I didn’t get a “harrumph” out of that bitch!
    Rahm: Give the President a harrumph!
    Hillary: Harrumph!
    Prez Obama: You watch your ass.
    Rahm: Meeting adjourned. Oh, I am sorry, sir, I didn’t mean to overstep my bounds. You say that.
    Prez Obama: What?
    Rahm: “Meeting is adjourned”.
    Prez Obama: It is?
    Rahm: No, you *say* that, Mr. President.
    Prez Obama: What?
    Rahm: “Meeting is adjourned”.
    Prez Obama: It is?
    Rahm: [sighs, then gives the President a paddleball] Here, sir, play with this.

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  5. Dang it! I had just convinced myself that the Obama posts on my blog were the funniest thing ever, but then Frank has to go and pull an IMW on me. An IMW complete w/ Buck the Marine. Brutal reminder that Frank is hilarious while I am merely funny.

    >>>Obama stared down at his desk and didn’t answer.
    >>>“Could you stop snorting coke long enough to answer me!”

    Boom!

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  6. I apologize in advance as this is off subject but it is a very important read:

    John Hinkley Release: You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980s. Hinkley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan. There is speculation Hinkley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. CONSEQUENTLY, you may be interested in the following letter from John McCain that the staff at the mental facility, treating Hinckley, reports to have intercepted this past weekend:

    To: John Hinckley
    From: John McCain

    My wife and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine country’s spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a non partisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout.

    My wife Cindy and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagon. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are confidnet that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

    Best Wishes,

    John and Cindy McCain

    PS: While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a wind storm. Just thought you would like to know.

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  7. I hope I have not violated proper blog etiquette by “cutting and pasting” (a recently perfected skill I’m really tickled about) part of this post in an email to send to friends. I did include a link to your blog (another prized skill I learned from the “blog hooligans” at a Duke Lacrosse board). But obviously I am neither sophisticated nor a member of the intellectual elite so if I have committed one of those faux pas things, let me know and I promise I won’t do it again.

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