Rahm Emanuel entered the Oval Office. “You might want to take things a little slower, Obama.”
“I know exactly what I’m doing!” President Obama shouted.
“Well, the stock market is diving every time you speak, and it’s not like your meeting with the Prime Minister of Britain went well.”
* * * *
“It’s a pleasure to meet you, President Obama,” Gordon Brown said as he entered the Oval Office.
“It is a pleasure to meet me,” Obama said very matter of factly. “Everyone wants to meet me. I’m very popular.”
“Yes, well, I wanted to give you these gifts as an offer of friendship. Here is a pen holder carved from the wood of the sister ship of from which your desk is made.”
“A wooden pen holder?” Obama said angrily. “I can hold my own pens! I’m a genius!”
Brown was a bit taken aback. “Yes… well… Here is a seven volume biography of Winston Churchill.”
Obama scrunched his face. “I don’t know who that is or why I should care about him. Anyway, I guess I should give you something…” Obama rummaged through a desk drawer. “Here are twenty-five classic American movies.”
Brown looked through them. “Deuce Bigalow? Naked Gun 33 and a 1/3? These are from the bargain bin at Wal-Mart… and there is only seven of them.”
“Hey! At least one of those is a Must Love Dogs/You’ve Got Mail double feature!”
“You’re ungrateful!” Obama screamed. “You’ve met the one and only Obama and you’re ungrateful!”
“No, I’m very thankful…”
“I declare war on you! War! WAAAAAR!”
“Please… don’t… I… um… Are you… high?”
* * * *
“We’re you?” Rahm asked.
Obama stared down at his desk and didn’t answer.
“Could you stop snorting coke long enough to answer me!”
“Hey! I’m just doing enough to take the edge off. And I don’t think I did as bad at foreign affairs as Hillary who’s supposed to be so much more experienced!”
* * * *
“Here’s is a reset button to reset the American-Russian relationship.” Hillary handed Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov a red button on a yellow box.
“Um… it doesn’t say reset.”
“Yes it does,” Hillary stated. “My people are very smart and that’s the Russian word they came up with for reset.”
“I know Russian and it doesn’t say reset.”
“It says reset!” Hillary snapped.
“I’m a native speaker of Russian, and–”
Hillary leaped at him and grabbed his throat. “How dare you contradict me! How about I push a big red button and reset your whole @#$% country!”
* * * *
“At least Gibbs explained things to the press very nicely,” Obama said.
“He’s ended his last three press conferences curled in a ball, crying, and wetting himself.”
“That’s Gibbs!” Obama chuckled. “Anyway, I have a new list of enemies I want him to call out. I was looking through some blogs and blog comments, and I wrote down everyone who criticized me. I want him to personally name them and call them traitors. I’ll teach CoolDude447 to call me ‘teh ghey’!”
“I’m not really sure we should be spending time on that,” Rahm said.
“If other things need to get done, can’t you have my vice president what’s-his-name handle it?”
“Biden barely has enough brain power to remember to breathe on a regular basis.”
“Whatever. Soon my troubles with my enemies will be over. I even have troops looking for Rush Limbaugh right now in the mountains on the border of Pakistan.”
“Um… they’re not looking for Limbaugh.”
“But I thought I heard they were looking for America’s number one enemy?”
“They’re looking for Osama,” Rahm explained, “and we’ve had trouble retasking them to anything else.”
* * * *
Buck the Marine got a call on his radio. “Buck here.”
“Buck, you have an order from Obama.”
“I’m already looking for Osama,” Buck answered.
“No, it’s an order from Obama.”
“I don’t take orders from terrorists.”
“No, Obama, in D.C.”
“Osama is in Washington D.C.! He must be up to something big!”
“No, President Obama.”
“Osama has taken over the country and declared himself leader?” Buck exclaimed. “Don’t worry; I’ll lead the resistance from the outside the country.”
“Yeah… um… you do that.”