NRA Supports Assault Weapons Ban
WASHINGTON (AP) - The NRA today came out in favor of the Obama administration’s attempt at reviving the assault weapons ban that expired in 2004, citing experts who say that assault weapons perpetuate unhealthy stereotypes of physical beauty.
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“We support the proposed assault weapons ban for much that same reason that West Virginia state lawmaker Jeff Eldridge supports a ban on the sale of Barbie dolls,” said NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre, “because they place too much emphasis on the importance of a weapon’s physical beauty, at the expense of a shooter’s intellectual and emotional development.”
“American’s weapons enthusiasts admire the sleek, sexy design of fully automatic rifles, which is only natural because they’re great for killing terrorists,” said LaPierre. “But this admiration can become an unhealthy obsession that leads people to focus unnecessarily on shallow, cosmetic attributes completely unrelated to a gun’s ability to perforate evildoers. Sure, pistol grips, flash suppressors, and bayonet lugs LOOK pretty, but when it comes to cold-slabbing a home intruder, looks don’t matter.”
NRA Board member Ted Nugent was similarly enthusiastic in his support. “People need to hold a more realistic image of personal weaponry. Appearance and firepower, though nice, aren’t EVERYTHING. What’s more important is who the person holding the gun really is, deep down inside. Does the person always assume a gun is loaded? Do they know their target and what’s beyond it? Do they never point a gun at anything they don’t intend to destroy? Sadly, the existence of assault weapons perpetuates unhealthy stereotypes about beauty at the expense of more important things, and they need to go away.”
There’s nothing wrong with pretty,” said Nugent, “but good sight picture, controlled breathing, and squeezing instead of pulling the trigger are what REALLY matter.”
(29 votes, average: 4.9 out of 5)
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March 6th, 2009 at 11:49 am
I prefer the terms “assault investments” when talking about the purchase of these items and “choice implementation devices” when talking about their use.
Got a smoke?
March 6th, 2009 at 11:55 am
I know what they are talking about, the only reason I bought that Mossberg 590 was that it has a bayonet lug on it. You dont know awesome until you look at a bayonet on the end of a 12 gauge.
March 6th, 2009 at 11:56 am
Are they saying happiness is “not” a warm gun?
March 6th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
Preferring scatter guns because they’re ‘indiscriminate,’ I choose not to target anything deliberately with overt bias, but rather leave the final outcome open to chance. It’s more ’sporting’ that way.
And aren’t the dispersal patterns from a choked versus unchoked 12 gauge aesthetically pleasing? Or am I intellectualizing too much about it?
Of course, for shear close-range stopping power, a 12 gauge plug is also a beautiful sight as it often causes total dismemberment of its worthy recipient.
March 6th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
So does this mean that if we make “asault weapons” look like supper soaker water guns we can keep-em?
March 6th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
If the Original Matrix taught us anything, it’s that we need to be Ruthlessly efficient killing machines AND look damned stylish when dispatching Jorge the burglar. Looks are important too.
March 6th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
Reach into your inner marksman. Know your trajectory as well as you know your way home. Understand that your own personal bad guy, er, backstop will accept the point, I mean hollow point. Make sure always to help expand their mind to cover the wall behind them.
March 6th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
If you are going to go with a shotgun, at least go with something useful.
A real shotgun.
March 6th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
[...] this is some pretty funny satire (excerpt): The NRA today came out in favor of the Obama administration’s attempt at reviving the [...]
March 6th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
How can they ban machine guns but allow this?
March 6th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
BRASS
Breath
Relax
Aim
Sight
Squeeze
Semper Fidelis
March 6th, 2009 at 7:31 pm
Oh My God #11 I haven’t heard that since 2nd phase rifle range.
March 6th, 2009 at 8:04 pm
Assault weapons don’t kill people, not having a gun when an armed home invader strikes kills people.
March 6th, 2009 at 10:37 pm
Funny, Harvey, and you at least looked up the real rules. Good for you. I’d bet you actually shot a gun once.
I saw “Pineapple Express” last night, and among other reasons to hurl, the gun handling, random death and dismemberment in the midst of lame comedy, unbelievable shot stylings, and people getting shot dead and getting back up just fine like 6 different times, gets it my NRA F- rating. I enjoy carnage as well as the next clinger, but it needs to be…tasteful.
H’wd is duh stoopid about guns when they’re trying to be serious; when they screw around it’s just criminal. If I saw one of my students do any of that movie sh*t, they’d likely get the back of my hand just to get their attention real quick; then they’d be out of the class. Chayziz.
March 7th, 2009 at 9:00 am
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March 7th, 2009 at 9:58 am
The old adage, “Beware the man who owns but one gun, because he can likely shoot it really darn well,” comes to mind.
Beautifully burled walnut, oiled into a living sheen, coupled with deeply blued steel, case hardening on the tiny pieces, and an optic with the lines of a ballerina topping it all off.
If you’re going to be shot for doing something stupid like breaking into the home of an armed American, you should request the weapon be as aesthetically pleasing as possible.
On the other hand, I’ve seen some ratty, rusted and worn shotguns that just make me scream (inside my own head), “I’d really hate to be shot with that, it looks like it would really, really mess me up.”
March 9th, 2009 at 10:04 am
I’m with you NRA, those Sigs and H&Ks and Glocks are just hussies.
John Moses Browning made guns without plastic, the way God intended.
I am not a crank.
March 9th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
Is that an assault weapon in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
March 9th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
Now lets think about this, if they ban assult weapons, then that ones wifes face is on the list, as well as joe’s keen mind. may actually be good for the country. And they can have my AK, one round at a time.
March 10th, 2009 at 2:44 am
What about those nasty assault knives? And assault axes? And even… assault cars?
I’m willing to bet that more people are killed in the US every year with assault knives than with assault guns.
So when are the “great” and “smart” leaders going to ban knives?
March 10th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
#8 Tim
“DUUUDE”
Definite stocking stuffer material.
April 10th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
Good satire…but, also good to remember, our OWN MILITARY has defined “Assault Weapon”. It is as follows…”Any weapon capable of firing more than one round, with s SINGLE PULL OF THE TRIGGER”. Now, does this classify YOUR AR15? It certainly does not describe mine… Folks, fun is fun, but let’s not let anyone disguise the facts as we get further into this discourse. We still have to be on our guard that a guise of three dollar words and compromise doesn’t take away one tool at a time until there are none left to lose.