Progress on Dinosaurs with Rocket Launchers on Them

As you all know, the challenges of today’s military requires dinosaurs with rocket launchers on them. First, we’ll need dinosaur DNA. One way to get that is from finding some fossilized DNA, but no luck on that so far. If there was CSI: Cretaceous Period, there would be no convictions. So scientists are looking to a more available source of dinosaur DNA: the chicken.

The chicken in its current form is woefully unable to support a rocket launcher, but DNA is a lot like poorly written code where function calls are commented out but the functions are still there even though they’re never used. So scientists are going to hack the chicken as its embryo develops and call the unused functions like “Grow Dino-Tail” and “Grow Dino-Claws” and before you know it, they’ll have a Tyrannosaurus Rex that’s still genetically a chicken. Then they just need to mount a rocket launcher on it. Easy peasy.

Man, I wonder what problems they had 65.5 million years ago that things were too harsh for a T-Rex survive but perfectly fine for a chicken. Obviously the problem wasn’t having something to mount rocket launchers on.

(hat tip to Dave Barry — and I should note that “Devolved Chicken” would be a great name for a rock band)

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22 Comments

  1. No good. If I had to face a chicken-devolved dinosaur with a rocket launcher, I’d just blow its head off, then it’d start running around and probably shoot its rockets back at my enemy. When your rocket launching dinosaur gets its head blown off, at a minimum, you want it to fall over dead.

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  2. Maybe for now, a rocket ship that launches dinosaurs would be more practical. Chicken sized dinosaurs at first, then work our way up to the bloodthirsty behemoths that we all know and love. It would finally come full circle with the launching of dinosaurs outfitted with rocket launchers.

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  3. The chicken in its current form is woefully unable to support a rocket launcher

    If you had ever read the absolutely good book, Jonathan Segal Chicken, you would know that they don’t need rocket launchers. (I think Jonathan Livingston Seagull is based on it, or maybe vice-versa)

    Seriously, it’s an excellent book that you would love if for no other reason than the ending. It’s a FrnakJ ending if ever there was one.

    If FrnakJ books ever had an ending that is.

    [I actually have the last chapter to Hellbender written. I just need to write the epilogue before I post it. -Ed.]

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  4. Chickens with Rocket Launchers now? That’s what I call Shake ‘n Bake.

    I kinda like #4 Herpules idea of launching the chickens from rocket ships:
    “As God is my witness, I thought turkeys chickens could fly!”

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  5. The good news: present hussein has re-instituted embryonic stem cell research, so we can now develop dinosaurs from scratch, instead of having to harvest dna from madiline albright or hillary clinton. The bad news is that leftist babies, that are killed for their stem cells, are bigger pansies than their hippy parents, and not useful to make dinosaurs. The other bad news is that present hussein will not retroactively abort his children for their stem cells. The other good news is: keith uberhippies head has been deflated so rocket launchers on dinosaurs are not immedialtely needed, allowing for more research to recreate a decent dinosaur.

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  6. “Free Beer” would be a better name for a rock group then “Devoled Chicken.” I’d wager the farm that a nightspot advertising “Free Beer tonight ” would get many more customers then a night spot advertising “Devolved Chicken tonight” Think about it.

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  7. Think “everybody gets drumsticks.” It would take a village to eat that drumstick.

    Dino drumstick and free beer would be a great draw, too. All you’d need would be a truck pull and a gun show, and man, I’d be in heaven.

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  8. A few free range dinos on the borders might not be a bad idea. With a decent invisible fence and training not to piss off Laurence Simon they would feed themselves and make good neighborhood watch members. As for retro-fitting rocket launchers, hey, what else are cowboys good for?

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  9. I think the idea of making dinosaurs out of chicken DNA is great, but I’d prefer that we use our scientific skillz to make giant chickens. The T Rex is awesome and all, but a 30 foot tall chicken with rocketlaunchers and miniguns concealed under it’s wings would be mega-awesome.

    Imagine the battlefield of the future: the Blue Staters are in their foxholes clutching their PC less-than-lethal weapons, waiting for the Red Staters to attack. Suddenly, a giant chicken walks up, pecking at the ground. They all stand up to laugh at the giant chicken. It extends its wings and reveals a terrifying array of not-less-than-lethal weapons. The Blue State soldiers urinate in their pants just a split second before they are vaporized by chicken-mounted rockets.

    If that had been a T Rex, they would have run away and it would have required more ammo to kill them all.

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