Progress on Dinosaurs with Rocket Launchers on Them
As you all know, the challenges of today’s military requires dinosaurs with rocket launchers on them. First, we’ll need dinosaur DNA. One way to get that is from finding some fossilized DNA, but no luck on that so far. If there was CSI: Cretaceous Period, there would be no convictions. So scientists are looking to a more available source of dinosaur DNA: the chicken.
The chicken in its current form is woefully unable to support a rocket launcher, but DNA is a lot like poorly written code where function calls are commented out but the functions are still there even though they’re never used. So scientists are going to hack the chicken as its embryo develops and call the unused functions like “Grow Dino-Tail” and “Grow Dino-Claws” and before you know it, they’ll have a Tyrannosaurus Rex that’s still genetically a chicken. Then they just need to mount a rocket launcher on it. Easy peasy.
Man, I wonder what problems they had 65.5 million years ago that things were too harsh for a T-Rex survive but perfectly fine for a chicken. Obviously the problem wasn’t having something to mount rocket launchers on.
(hat tip to Dave Barry — and I should note that “Devolved Chicken” would be a great name for a rock band)
(17 votes, average: 5 out of 5)
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March 9th, 2009 at 10:50 am
No good. If I had to face a chicken-devolved dinosaur with a rocket launcher, I’d just blow its head off, then it’d start running around and probably shoot its rockets back at my enemy. When your rocket launching dinosaur gets its head blown off, at a minimum, you want it to fall over dead.
March 9th, 2009 at 10:52 am
The dinosaur named Harry Reems says “I got yer rocket launcher in my pants” …but no need to worry. Dinosaurs don’t wear pants.
March 9th, 2009 at 11:38 am
I’m down with the mutant chicken dinosaurs…(MCD’s)….wonder what they would taste like in a McNugget form?
March 9th, 2009 at 11:39 am
Maybe for now, a rocket ship that launches dinosaurs would be more practical. Chicken sized dinosaurs at first, then work our way up to the bloodthirsty behemoths that we all know and love. It would finally come full circle with the launching of dinosaurs outfitted with rocket launchers.
March 9th, 2009 at 11:43 am
“If you leave this web site, I will kill this defenseless toilet.” - Dave Barry
I don’t think Frank can match that.
March 9th, 2009 at 11:53 am
Mmm. Fried dinosaur.
March 9th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
Grow Dino-Tail and Grow Dino-Claws, sounds like they have Japanese scientist working on this. If they don’t then they should. That would be awesome. Activate Dino-Punch! Activate Dino-Launchers!
March 9th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
The chicken in its current form is woefully unable to support a rocket launcher
If you had ever read the absolutely good book, Jonathan Segal Chicken, you would know that they don’t need rocket launchers. (I think Jonathan Livingston Seagull is based on it, or maybe vice-versa)
Seriously, it’s an excellent book that you would love if for no other reason than the ending. It’s a FrnakJ ending if ever there was one.
If FrnakJ books ever had an ending that is.
[I actually have the last chapter to Hellbender written. I just need to write the epilogue before I post it. -Ed.]
March 9th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
Chickens with Rocket Launchers now? That’s what I call Shake ‘n Bake.
I kinda like #4 Herpules idea of launching the chickens from rocket ships:
“As God is my witness, I thought
turkeyschickens could fly!”March 9th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
The largest animal ever to live on earth is still alive today: The blue whale (with some genetic manipulation) could posibly be fitted with trident missles.
March 9th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
I want insurances that whatever creature we attach WMDs to, it will also have a minigun for close in work. I am just being practical.
March 9th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
The good news: present hussein has re-instituted embryonic stem cell research, so we can now develop dinosaurs from scratch, instead of having to harvest dna from madiline albright or hillary clinton. The bad news is that leftist babies, that are killed for their stem cells, are bigger pansies than their hippy parents, and not useful to make dinosaurs. The other bad news is that present hussein will not retroactively abort his children for their stem cells. The other good news is: keith uberhippies head has been deflated so rocket launchers on dinosaurs are not immedialtely needed, allowing for more research to recreate a decent dinosaur.
March 9th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
“Free Beer” would be a better name for a rock group then “Devoled Chicken.” I’d wager the farm that a nightspot advertising “Free Beer tonight ” would get many more customers then a night spot advertising “Devolved Chicken tonight” Think about it.
March 9th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
wonder what they would taste like in a McNugget form?
Think smaller. And more legs.
March 9th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
Think “everybody gets drumsticks.” It would take a village to eat that drumstick.
Dino drumstick and free beer would be a great draw, too. All you’d need would be a truck pull and a gun show, and man, I’d be in heaven.
March 9th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
May I suggest Velociraptors with Flamethrowers also be developed?
March 9th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
A few free range dinos on the borders might not be a bad idea. With a decent invisible fence and training not to piss off Laurence Simon they would feed themselves and make good neighborhood watch members. As for retro-fitting rocket launchers, hey, what else are cowboys good for?
March 9th, 2009 at 11:53 pm
Palin’s already got dinosaurs on the North Slope; new coloring contest here to design our new weaponry.
March 10th, 2009 at 7:23 am
I think the idea of making dinosaurs out of chicken DNA is great, but I’d prefer that we use our scientific skillz to make giant chickens. The T Rex is awesome and all, but a 30 foot tall chicken with rocketlaunchers and miniguns concealed under it’s wings would be mega-awesome.
Imagine the battlefield of the future: the Blue Staters are in their foxholes clutching their PC less-than-lethal weapons, waiting for the Red Staters to attack. Suddenly, a giant chicken walks up, pecking at the ground. They all stand up to laugh at the giant chicken. It extends its wings and reveals a terrifying array of not-less-than-lethal weapons. The Blue State soldiers urinate in their pants just a split second before they are vaporized by chicken-mounted rockets.
If that had been a T Rex, they would have run away and it would have required more ammo to kill them all.
March 10th, 2009 at 11:36 am
Shades of Freehold, #19. I’d love to match my .45 against a taser. That’d be fun. It would also be one of the Shortest Tasings ever.
April 13th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
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