Archive for April, 2009

Steven’s Epic Journey

Thursday, April 30, 2009 8:07 pm

Steven Crowder searches for good liberals:

As I always say, if we want to find a use for liberals, we should bury them deep within the earth so they’ll be oil for future generations.

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Award!

Thursday, April 30, 2009 6:38 pm

Gradual Dazzle of Anywhere But Here has honored IMAO with the “Best Use of Red & Black Color Scheme in a Blog” Award.

I’m a late-comer to IMAO, so Frank gets all the credit on this one. Still, it begs the question – why DID Frank choose red & black?:

a) his sublimated checkerboard fetish

b) his love of obscure Blue Oyster Cult tunes

c) he’s a HUGE Stendhal fan. Then again, who isn’t?

d) his unhealthy obsession with self-balancing binary search trees that 10 years of therapy have still not quite cured.


FINE PRINT:

To join the exclusive club of blogs who honor IMAO and have your award featured on our sidebar with a link to your blog, make up a fancy award image honoring IMAO, blog about it, and drop a link in the comments.

Keep it PG-13, and if it doesn’t suck too terribly bad, your award will be duly noted in a post (Current estimated wait time – 5 Award posts), and placed in the sidebar with a link to your site.

As added incentive for people to honor IMAO with worthless, made-up awards, those who do so may proudly display this worthless, made-up Participant Ribbon:

If you don’t have a blog, then send your image to harvolson-at-gmail.com and include a link to one of your favorite IMAO posts.

For the Photoshop-impaired, here’s a guide to making mediocre fake pictures with Microsoft Paint

Or try the free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Maximum sidebar image width is 190 pixels. Please make sure text is at least barely legible at that size.

Now get honoring!

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Worry Not About Popularity and Instead About Sanity

Thursday, April 30, 2009 1:05 pm

With the loss of Specter, the usual suspects are going on about how the Republicans need to be less right wing to be competitive. This is idiotic. The one things moderates never have is passion; you can’t have passion for an incoherent hodge podge of a political philosophy. So you can survive politically and maybe scrape by when you’re constantly compromising for expediency, but you’re never going to inspire anybody and make big things happen.

Who wants a political party that’s principles are just a reflection of however issues are currently polling? If our views on issues are correct, they’re worth fighting for no matter what polls says. Plus, if you want to move people, you have to have some real values and show people they’re important by sticking by them. How can we argue against crazy spending if we tolerate those who are for it in our own party? I think being less inclusive can be helpful if it makes us more coherent and principled.

Passion for ideals isn’t enough, though. Lots of people think they’re really right and stick by unpopular views no matter what. That’s why there’s one more thing that’s key: You have to be able to explain your views without coming off like a nut.

Look at Daily Kos. Lots of passion, but crazy views and crazy people who have no self-awareness of how insane they appear. A lot of Ron Paul people have some pretty intriguing views, but they also come off as kooks who only seem all the more kookier by not comprehending how crazy they sound. Good views are ultimately sane views that you can explain passionately by calmly. Plus, conservatives are supposed to be real people who work and have families; we know how to connect to people because we are people. That’s an advantage we have to exploit. Look at liberals reaction to the Tea Parties; they couldn’t even comprehend what it was about because they just don’t understand the average American like we do.

So, let’s get rid of the squishes, but let’s not go crazy. Passion and sanity are the keys to success.

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Army Makes Progress In Armed Dinosaur Technology

Thursday, April 30, 2009 12:25 pm

WASHINGTON (AP) – The Army announced that they have successfully combined a dinosaur with a sniper rifle to create a self-defending flying sharpshooter.

The ARSS features both a sniper rifle (right) and a bone/enamel terrorist mastication matrix (center)

Dubbed the Airborne Reptile Sniper System (ARSS), this next-generation helicopter drone has a semi-automatic gun mounted on a self-stabilizing turret with built-in zoom camera, and fires 7 to 10 precisely aimed .338-caliber rounds per minute. It also has dozens of foot-long, razor-sharp fangs, giving it both offensive and defensive short-range terrorist-chomping capabilities.

The rifle – a modified RND Manufacturing Edge 2000 – is directed by using an adapted Xbox 360 controller, which plugs into a laptop so that the operator can see what the drone sees. The dinosaur head – a modified Cretaceous period Tyrannosaurus Rex – is controlled by a combination of hand gestures, praise, and Snausages.

Although designed mainly for urban combat and repelling Velociraptor attacks, Army officials hope that it may also be useful in fighting pirates and resolving the “where should we put the Gitmo detainees” problem.

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What Really Happened with Air Force One

Thursday, April 30, 2009 11:42 am

Just to be clear, we’re all in agreement what happened with Air Force One flying over New York, right? Obama was coked out of his mind and grabbed the controls of the plane and started dive bombing the city. To cover it up, his staff made this whole idiotic photo op story.

Anyway, Air Force One needs to get reinforced cockpit doors like the other passenger. That Obama is crazy!

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Fake

Thursday, April 30, 2009 10:03 am

Why are people always trying tear down our heroes.

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Random Thoughts

Thursday, April 30, 2009 8:33 am

Only way Obama will get me to watch one of his primetime speeches is if he’ll be explaining what the smoke monster really is.

I wonder if it would help combat internet trolls if we brought back dueling?

I always assumed the Democrats would become more serious if given power. Well, I’m an idiot.

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Award!

Wednesday, April 29, 2009 11:49 pm

Hart of That Hero has honored IMAO with the “Prettier Than Olbermann!” Award.

Flattered, as always. We’ll just set this one right next to the “Dryer Than Water!”, “Smarter Than An Anvil!”, and “Thinner Than Michael Moore!” awards.

I note that this is the first one of these that Hart has handed out. I’m nominating this blog for the second.


FINE PRINT:

To join the exclusive club of blogs who honor IMAO and have your award featured on our sidebar with a link to your blog, make up a fancy award image honoring IMAO, blog about it, and drop a link in the comments.

Keep it PG-13, and if it doesn’t suck too terribly bad, your award will be duly noted in a post (Current estimated wait time – 6 Award posts), and placed in the sidebar with a link to your site.

As added incentive for people to honor IMAO with worthless, made-up awards, those who do so may proudly display this worthless, made-up Participant Ribbon:

If you don’t have a blog, then send your image to harvolson-at-gmail.com and include a link to one of your favorite IMAO posts.

For the Photoshop-impaired, here’s a guide to making mediocre fake pictures with Microsoft Paint

Or try the free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Maximum sidebar image width is 190 pixels. Please make sure text is at least barely legible at that size.

Now get honoring!

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TV Guide

Wednesday, April 29, 2009 10:12 pm

I saw somewhere that the president was going to be on TV this week. Had you heard that?

Anyway, I thought I heard tonight at 8:00 or something. So, I checked the TV Guide, and saw that “Lie To Me” was on.

Hey, that could be it.

But I kept scanning and saw other shows this week that could have been an Obama news conference:

  • Fringe
  • The Biggest Loser
  • Damages
  • Trust Me
  • Psych
  • Criminal Minds
  • American Idol
  • Lost
  • Foulups, Bleeps & Blunders
  • The Celebrity Apprentice

I never did find out when he was on.

Was anyone else confused about it? Were there any TV show listings that you thought might have been the president’s news conference?

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World Ends 2012

Wednesday, April 29, 2009 2:20 pm

We have only one option: We destroy the sun first.

Think of it, if we can just make our own heat source, we can destroy the sun and free float through the galaxy, tethered to no particular orbit. We’ll be free. Free!

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The Purge

Wednesday, April 29, 2009 12:13 pm

Now that we finally scared Arlen Specter away, enough with putting up with whiny weaklings in the Republican Party. We already can’t break a filibuster, so losing a few more won’t make things worse. It’s time for The Purge™.

Let’s get rid of the liberals – and anyone who refers to a liberal as a moderate. If you voted for Obama’s trillions, you can’t be a Republican. And it’s time to finally bury Bush’s idea of “Compassionate Conservatism”. Here were the main tenets of it:

* We should not actively seek to harm poor people.

* Hippies should not be punched to the point of death.

* Enemy combatants should not be tortured just for entertainment.

* If we’re going to round up liberals into camps, the camps should at least have sanitary drinking water.

* We need better reasons for declaring war on a country than, “Nothing good is on TV.”

No more! It’s time to get back to the conservatism that tears apart everything that gets in front of it. It is time for the strong to crush the weak. It is time for the earners in this country to keep their money and all others to starve. It is time for The Purge™, the restoration of awesomeness to the Republican Party. Let only the strong survive.

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28 100 Days Later

Wednesday, April 29, 2009 10:30 am

If we extrapolate from the first one hundred days, by the end of Obama’s first term America’s debt will be higher than the GDP of the world, every rogue state will have nuclear missiles, we’ll all have swine flu, and Obama’s approval ratings will finally fall below 50% (though he’ll still be personally popular).

On the bright side, since the Democrats now have a filibuster proof majority, it’s not like there’s anything we can do about it so we might as well sit back and relax. Just make sure you’re prepared to drive around a barren wasteland fighting gangs for gasoline.

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Random Thoughts

Wednesday, April 29, 2009 8:43 am

Why are New Yorkers claiming they were given no notice about the flyover? Are they really claiming no one told them the president is a jackass?

Now if only Obama would do something stupid so late night comedians could fake fun of him!

At what point should we stop using the term “president” and instead use the term “man-caused disaster”?

That Specter left and wasn’t thrown out shows that the Republican Party hasn’t moved far enough to the right!

I think a filibuster proof Democratic majority means we’re going to see another surge in gun sales.

First order of business for filibuster proof Democrats: Restrict use of tea in large gatherings.

Are we going to have to endure more “GOP needs to be more moderate” editorials? Can’t you be against trillions in spending and be moderate?

I’m getting tired of all this fretting over flu outbreaks. It’s the 21st century. We should be worried about nanotech swarms.

Can we throw Hagel out of the party too, or is it too late for that?

In the future, we need some sort of screening process before we let people into the Republican Party.

I think It would be really brave if Meghan McCain comes out as a lesbian. Especially if she isn’t one.

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Award!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009 5:28 pm

AlanABQ has honored IMAO with the “Buddy Jesus Says: You Are Alriiiiiiight!” Award.

Catholicism WOW! I gotta give credit for earning this award to Frank, since he’s the wine & wafers guy around here. Due to my absence of belief system, I end up spending most of my time dodging the many lightning bolts that keep striking within 50 feet of me. Which is just pure, random chance, of course. It’s not like I’ve ever done anything even remotely blasphemous.


FINE PRINT:

To join the exclusive club of blogs who honor IMAO and have your award featured on our sidebar with a link to your blog, make up a fancy award image honoring IMAO, blog about it, and drop a link in the comments.

Keep it PG-13, and if it doesn’t suck too terribly bad, your award will be duly noted in a post (Current estimated wait time – 6 Award posts), and placed in the sidebar with a link to your site.

As added incentive for people to honor IMAO with worthless, made-up awards, those who do so may proudly display this worthless, made-up Participant Ribbon:

If you don’t have a blog, then send your image to harvolson-at-gmail.com and include a link to one of your favorite IMAO posts.

For the Photoshop-impaired, here’s a guide to making mediocre fake pictures with Microsoft Paint

Or try the free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Maximum sidebar image width is 190 pixels. Please make sure text is at least barely legible at that size.

Now get honoring!

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Notice

Tuesday, April 28, 2009 2:04 pm

We’ve almost tracked down this “Ed” person who keeps hacking into the site and editing comments. We hope to have this long nightmare behind us soon. Thanks for bearing with us.

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Frank Tips for the Swine Flu

Tuesday, April 28, 2009 12:06 pm

People are getting worried about the swine flu. It’s probably just alarmism, but here’s some tips anyway to keep healthy:

* If you see any pigs, don’t put your mouth on them.

* Same goes for Mexicans.

* If someone is showing flu symptoms, lock him in the basement or a closet if to avoid infecting others.

* If you start showing flu symptoms, try and hide the fact so you don’t get locked in a basement.

* If flu continues to spread, read Stephen King’s The Stand to prepare for inevitable conflict between good and evil.

Just always remember what Smokey the Bear says: Give a hoot, be prepared for flu.

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Terror Attack

Tuesday, April 28, 2009 10:31 am

I have some words for Obama:

No, Obama. You do not fly your plane in low over New York because you want a nice photo. That is a bad president. You scared lots of people and that is wrong. No no.

So do you think Obama signed off on the whole thing or did his staff not hear his objection because he once again had a bucket stuck on his head? And it’s funny he’s been doing all this stuff against “torture” and then starts doing psych-ops on his won people.

Well, anyway, I wonder when we get to see the photos?

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lolterizt! Part 80

Tuesday, April 28, 2009 10:00 am

This week terrorists, next week That One. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ‘em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.



[reference link]


My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From Chris:

From Jedijson:

From Jedijson:

From Rick of The Rabid Conservative:

[reference link]


This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:


PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Snapped Shot for handy links to ripe-for-captioning photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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Random Thoughts

Tuesday, April 28, 2009 8:31 am

My Theory: Swine flu is God’s vengeance for Miss California speaking out against gay marriage. Why didn’t we listen to Perez Hilton?! Why?!!

The first hundred days are almost over, and the U.S. still exists in some vaguely recognizable fashion. A lot of you owe Obama an apology.

How many times is Obama allowed to interrupt primetime each season? If he has something important to say, can’t he just e-mail us?

If Obama wants people to tune in, he should announce he’ll do his speech Wednesday without a teleprompter. It’ll be like Fear Factor.

We can’t torture terrorists in Gitmo, but we can still beat them to death with a flashlight on the battlefield, right?

So is it technically a terror attack when it’s the president scaring everybody?

Do you think FOX is going to broadcast “Lie to Me” instead of the Obama press conference just to give us all an easy setup to a joke?

To be honest, if someone said to me, “Would like to scare the crap out of New York to get a photo op?” I’d be like, “Awesome.”

Since torture doesn’t work but waterboarding did work on KSM, doesn’t that prove that waterboarding isn’t torture?

First saw Lady Gaga on April 1st episode of American Idaol. Thought it was joke and laughed hysterically. Found out wasn’t a joke and felt sad.

There should be a season of 24 that starts with white corporate people as the villains, but it ends up Muslim terrorists are behind it all pulling the strings.

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Palin Legal Defense Fund

Monday, April 27, 2009 12:06 pm

Beyond just the disgusting treatment Governor Sarah Palin has received, she’s also been hit with a lot of frivolous lawsuits like when someone tried to claim her strangling a moose with piano wire is “animal cruelty”. It’s called hunting where I come from. So now she’s got a legal defense fund if you want to help out. Any extra funds will go towards shooting hippies from a helicopter.

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