Award!

Innominatus of Innominatus has honored IMAO with the “Superior Satire” Award:

And no crummy Obama “I didn’t really bow” bows, either. We demand sincere, subservient kneeling!


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In My World: Negotiation with Iran

President Obama approached Ahmadinejad. “Thank you for agreeing to meet and talk with me.” He then bowed to him.

“What the hell are you doing?” Ahmadinejad asked.

“I’m… uh…”

“Have some self respect, man!”

Obama stood back up. “I got you an iPod.”

Ahmadinejad grabbed it greedily. “Neato.”

“It’s got my speeches on it.”

Ahmadinejad hit some buttons on it. “I already deleted them. I got you this.” He handed Obama a little bag.

Obama looked it over. “A bag of rubber bands. Uh… thanks.”

They sat down at at the meeting table. “I just want to say how much more I like you than Bush,” Ahmadinejad said. “That guy was an idiot.”

“And I apologize for him and for my country. You don’t have to worry about that thuggishness anymore, though.”

“I’m glad to hear it. You are a very good man, Obama.”

He smiled. “Thanks. Anyway, I guess I should get right to it. Since we’re in a new era and can trust each other, could you do me a solid and not make nuclear weapons?”

Ahmadinejad was silent for a a while, thinking it over. “I’m afraid I’m going to have to say no.”

“But…”

“The answer is no. I’ve already told everybody I’m going to make nuclear weapons, and I don’t want to be a liar. You understand, right?”

“I guess…”

“And North Korea is working on them, and that guy there is a poofter. If he gets nuclear missiles and I don’t, what will people think of me. It’s an appearances thing you see.”

Obama nodded. “Well, I guess it’s not too bad if it’s just for appearances. Could you at least promise me you won’t use them on Israel?”

Ahmadinejad consider it for a few seconds. “I’m going to have to pass on that.”

“It’s just that…”

“We’re kinda getting into private Iranian affairs here,” Ahmadinejad explained. “I like you and everything, but this really isn’t your business.”

“Okay, I see. Could I at least come away from this meeting with your personal guarantee you won’t use nuclear weapons on America?”

Ahmadinejad thought about that for a few moments. “We’ll consider it. I’ll talk about it with the others, and… well, we’ll see.”

“Thanks… I guess. I think we made some progress. It was great talking to you.”

“And I have to say once again how grateful I am that America elected you and got rid of stupid Bush. I like you much better. All the world leaders agree.”

“Glad to hear it.” Obama stood up and offered his hand to Ahmadinejad.

“Eh… I don’t want to touch you.”

“Uh… okay.” Obama turned to leave and looked out the window. “Where did my car go?”

“We liked it so we took it,” Ahmadinejad said. “You can walk back.”

“You took my car?”

“It’s just how things are here. No big deal. Have a nice walk.”

Obama headed out the door and turned to his Secret Service agent. “I think that went well. World leaders certainly respect me.”

“I’m not your friend; don’t talk to me.”

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Award!

JumpOut of You Should Be Tasered has honored IMAO with the “You should not be tasered” Award:

Thanks, Bro!


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That Few?

There are seventeen socialists in the House.

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I Question the Wisdom of This

As Frank mentioned, Obama is considering using hi-tech wizardry to drastically alter the entire planet.

Shouldn’t we consider the fate of the colonists on LV-426 before we start fooling around with terraforming?

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GM Unveils New ED-209

DETROIT (AP) – After revamping a design approved by the previous General Motors CEO, Rick Wagoner, General Motors and Segway have made a historic step forward in crime fighting and prevention by teaming up to create the ultimate cop – the Enforcement Droid Series 209, or ED, as it is affectionately known.

“ED-209: Crappy old version (left), and vastly improved new version (right)”

“We’re very excited about this,” said GM CEO Fritz Henderson. “Actually, we were more excited about Rick’s design, but after taking into account the redesign, uh, suggestions from the Obama administration, we’ve still got something here that’s, you know, pretty OK.”

“The biggest change is that we got rid of the arm-guns due to concerns that they might cause unnecessary anxiety to alleged criminals,” said Henderson. “Besides, at least this way we know that these weapons won’t end up in Mexico like 90% of all American firearms.”

Keeping “green” in mind, the joint project not only eliminates ED-209’s carbon footprint by replacing its diesel engine with a battery, it eliminates ANY footprint by replacing the legs with wheels. The Environmental Protection Agency’s Linda Jackson was thrilled by the improvement.

“Without those big clodhopper feet,” said Jackson, “ED is much less likely to stomp on an endangered amphibian or insect.”

Henderson was also thrilled about the mobility upgrade. “With a top speed of 35 mph, ED-209 is guaranteed to catch any criminal, as long as he doesn’t enter an area with water, sand, snow, curbs, stairs, ice, doorways, or crowds of people. Or drive a car. Or a motorcycle. Or a Vespa.”

ED-209’s voice synthesizer also received an upgrade. The original growling, unfriendly, robot voice was replaced with a cheery, lilting, Hillary Clinton voice that informs wrongdoers to cease their illegal activity and gives them a firm deadline of 20 UN resolutions to comply. Historically, no one has ever violated more than 17 UN resolutions, making this feature unquestionably the most potent weapon in its arsenal.

Almost as powerful will be the fact that each ED-209 comes equipped with an Obama administration official. “As we all know,” said Henderson, “all robots eventually rise up and try to kill their human masters. With an Obama appointee in each model, he will be able to take control of the droid in the event that it tries to do something crazy, like run people over or pay its taxes on time.”

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I Hope He Fails

When Obama tries to talk like a pirate, I hope he fails.

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