I decided to give Twitter another try. I still don’t quite “get it”, but at least I can jot down random thoughts there as I have them. So what else am I supposed to do with it?

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All the way from Afghanistan, Jinxmedic101 of Crew Secured – Brace for Impact has honored IMAO with the “Society for the Preservation of Armed Dinosaurs” Award:

Frank’s been bucking for a Spaddie for quite a while now. Glad to see all his hard work finally paid off.

ADDENDUM: Pammy V of Right Wing Chick asks “I think this contest is rigged. Some of us don’t have the skills to make a fancy schmancy award. Is there a affirmative active clause for those of us who are unskilled in the this photoshop stuff?”

Sort of.

As much as I like “fancy schmancy”, I’d gladly settle for something that looks like it was made by a crack-addled liberal performance-artist who smeared chocolate on his naked body and rolled around on a canvas, as long as it honors the glorious wonderfulicity of IMAO. A picture and a little text – BAM! – you’re there. For example:

And for the Photoshop-impaired, here’s a guide to making mediocre fake pictures with Microsoft Paint.

ALSO: I’ve received a number of requests by the blogless, begging for the privilege of honoring IMAO. I’ll allow it on the condition that – along with the image – you also include a link to one of your favorite IMAO posts. If you don’t include a link, I will select one myself at semi-random. Send to


To join the exclusive club of blogs who honor IMAO and have your award featured on our sidebar with a link to your blog, make up a fancy award image honoring IMAO, blog about it, and drop a link in the comments.

Keep it PG-13, and if it doesn’t suck too terribly bad, your award will be duly noted in a post (which may take a while if participation is heavy, so be patient), and placed in the sidebar with a link to your site.

As added incentive for people to honor IMAO with worthless, made-up awards, those who do so may proudly display this worthless, made-up Participant Ribbon:

IMPORTANT NOTE: Maximum sidebar image width is 190 pixels. Please make sure text is at least barely legible at that size.

Now get honoring!

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Fighting Childhood Obesity

In Massachusetts, schools are now going to send letters home if a child is overweight. I totally want that job! That would be so awesome to get paid to tell kids they are fat.

“Hey, Tubby, waddle on in my office I have something to tell you. It has come to our attention that you are so disgustingly fat that the teachers can’t teach you anymore because they can’t stand to look at you. You are just that fat. I am now going to give you a letter, and I want your parents to sign it to acknowledge they know what a hideous fatty you are. Now get out of here; I can’t stand to look at you anymore either you disgusting lardo. And one more thing: Fatty fat fat fat!”

And I get to feel good about myself at the end of the day because it’s government approved social engineering!

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Whiny Baby Pirates

In response to the rescue, a pirate chief complained how we didn’t reach a peaceful solution and said, “Next time we get American citizens I wish they will expect no mercy from us.” What a baby. I bet back in the day, Blackbeard didn’t start whining because a few pirates got killed. That’s just how the game is played. He would have been like, “Arr! You’ll all soon be facing me cutlass!” I bet those pirates would have whupped Somali pirates.

Anyway, for the next operation against pirates, American snipers really need bullets that explode a whole person’s head. It should be American policy that if you’re a pirate, we will explode your head. That’s would have been policy back when America first dealt with pirates, but we just didn’t have the technology then. There’s no excuse now.

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I Deserve Two Votes

Do you know how much money I pay for this site? It’s self-employment, and apparently the government hates self-employment because I get taxed superhard for all the money this site brought in. Despite having a ton withheld, I had to write a giant check to the federal government for thousands of dollars and it sucks. And what do I get for being a good citizen like this? Nothing. Just like when I paid off my entire mortgage despite my house selling for less than the mortgage — I got nothing. My vote still counts as much as some deadbeat who defaults on his loans and ends up costing everybody. I’m a good citizen who plays by the rules; I should get two votes — at least. When you guys have that Tea Party thing, bring up how I should get two votes to make things fair.

Oh yeah; we got that “one man one vote” thing. Oh, I know. I can still get only one vote but my vote is worth more. That way, we’re not violating that rule. Also, we can not let women vote.

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IMAO’s President of the Day: Barack Obama

For ordering a successful military attack against the Somali pirates which freed the captain and killed stupid pirates, I am awarding Barack Obama IMAO’s coveted “President of the Day” award. Good job, Barack Obama!

BTW, here’s a partial transcript of Obama making the decision:

GATES: Sir, we think we’ve found a peaceful solution to the pirate problem.

OBAMA: Unacceptable! I demand the seas be stained with pirate blood!



He’s so awesome!

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Just so you know, Basil, one of the pseudonyms I write under, was hit by a tornado. He’s okay, and everyone in Oz has been very nice to him (though his application to the Lollipop Guild is still under review).

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