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Know Thy Enemy: Pirates – Ver 2.0

Pirates are a problem these days. A long while back, IMAO put out a Know Thy Enemy: Pirates but apparently it didn’t work because pirates are still causing trouble. I decided it needed to be updated so I asked my new crack research team (Basil and spacemonkey) to help find out all they could about pirates.


* Piracy started quite accidentally when one ship crew realized how fun it was to board another ship while yelling “Arr!” and laughing heartily.

* Today’s pirates tend to have AK-47s instead of muskets which is considered cheating. Don’t let a Navy SEAL catch you cheating!

* If you see a man with a long beard, it could be the fearsome Blackbeard the pirate! If the beard is somewhat light colored, he’s probably just a member of ZZ Top. Either way, use caution.

* If people plunder you on the sea, that piracy. If people plunder you on land, that’s the Obama administration.

* Many pirates settled in Canada where after years of peace and maple syrup, their “Arr!” faded into an “Eh”.

* No matter how much a pirate says to do it, he’ll actually get angry if you shake his timbers.

* Piracy is covered by the United Nations Convention on the Law of the Sea, meaning that, following an attack by pirates, the U.N. will debate the issue for months before passing a resolution demanding that pirates think about what they are doing, and that if the pirates keep being pirates, the U.N. will consider passing another resolution.

* Reason why so many pirates are missing limbs and eyes: Fred Thompson.

* A lot of people when boarding your ship may claim to be pirates, but make sure to ask for identification. If someone is murdering your crew and stealing your booty but doesn’t have the proper ID, make sure to report it to the pirate union.

* In response to piracy, Obama plans to open talks with Tortuga with no preconditions.

* The United States has not ratified the United Nations Convention on the Law of the Sea, meaning that if pirates capture a U.S. vessel, Navy SEALs can shoot the pirates in the head.

* The pirate flag of skull and cross bones is called the “Jolly Roger” because whoever decided to name it was really gay.

* Jolly Ranchers have no relation to the Jolly Roger… that I know of. To be on the safe side, though, if you see a bunch of Jolly Rancher wrappers lying about, be prepared for a pirate attack!

* The Marine Hymn lyrics “to the shores of Tripoli” refer to the U.S. response to the Barbary Pirates in the early 19th century. If the Somali pirates understood English, they’d have known not to screw around with the American military.

* If surrounded by pirates, ask for “parlay”. That will give you time to escape while they look that up on Wikipedia.

* If someone boards your land going vessel and steals it, that’s a carjacker, not a pirate. You can still run him through with a cutlass, though.

* If 4 Somali teenagers get in a boat and call themselves pirates, they can capture a boat with a crew of 21. If those same teenagers try to capture a Ford pickup in Alabama, their bullet-riddled bodies will be found with tire tracks across their backs.

* A pirate ship can be recognized by the bumper sticker: “Pirates get more booty”

* If pirates take someone hostage, you’ll probably get the person back unharmed if you pay the ransom. You’ll also get the person back unharmed if you shoot all the pirates dead, plus that’s cheaper.

* And funnier.

* Cap’n Crunch gained his commission and command of the Good Ship Guppy after bringing Jean LaFoote, the Barefoot Pirate, to justice.

* Pirates idea to bury their treasure ending up being quite a sound investment strategy this past year.

* Captain Hook, the pirate nemesis of Peter Pan, attended Eton College. Hook, the starting quarterback in his team’s Sugar Bowl loss to Florida, fumbled on the goal line when the Gators’ middle linebacker bit off his hand.

* You may be able to avoid getting attacked by pirates if you drape a sign over the side of your vessel reading, “Radio Broken”.

* Long John Silver began his adult career as a pirate, but discovered he had a talent for cooking. He gave up his life of crime to open a series of Burger King franchises after his successful lawsuit against Jerrico, Inc.

* If you’re really worried about pirates, go to Taco Bell. I’ve never seen one there, and I like their chalupas.

* The most famous historical pirates are Edward Teach (Blackbeard), Jean Lafitte, William Kidd, and Willie Stargell.

* When fighting pirates, you may think the man with the big hat is the leader, but it’s actually the parrot on his shoulder. Take that bird out first!

* Privateers are often confused with pirates. The main difference is that the president has called for an end to privacy.

* The plank is a result of pirates starting to build a second connected ship and then just getting too lazy.

* Some famous pirates in literature are Captain Jack Sparrow, the Dread Pirate Roberts, and Joe Biden.

* Pirates are vulnerable to cutlasses, scurvy, and sniper-bullets to the head.

* In a fight between Aquaman and pirates, Aquaman would… hmm, enemies at sea. This one is actually a job for Aquaman. Weird.

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When I Finally Gave Up On Little Green Footballs

I hadn’t followed LGF for a while, and then I finally started using an RSS reader recently and began adding all the big blogs including one of the first blogs I had ever read: Little Green Footballs. I missed what led to it, but Charles Johnson seemed to be on a anti-Creationism kick now… which is okay. Some of them can be quite annoying and a little obtuse at times. It seemed like half his posts were on the subject, though, and something about that seemed well… a bit off, I guess. I basically agreed with him, it’s just the intensity that was disturbing. I’m not even sure most biologist care to get in that debate that much. Then he started getting on what he saw as extremism anywhere in the right-wing. Okay, extremism is bad, so I guess that’s okay. But then it seemed like every post was on some conservative idiocy he wanted to expose. Eventually I was like, “Am I remembering wrong, or didn’t he used to go after liberals too?”

So yesterday I saw he had a headline with Napolitano in the title, and I thought, “This should be good. It will be neat to go after her idiocy.” But no, it was Judge Andrew Napolitano from FOX News of course, because why talk about the Obama administration when someone on FOX News said something or other. And maybe he had a good point about Andrew Napolitano, but I just didn’t care. There are already plenty of blogs focused on constantly exposing bad things about the right-wing — they’re called liberal blogs. If you are a friend of the right and are one day critical, everyone will sit up and pay attention. If that’s all you do, eventually to conservatives you become as tiresome and predictable as any kneejerk liberal.

Which is only an issue if you care whether conservatives want to read you.

Look at his post on the tea parties. If that appeared in the comments section of Hot Air, we would have called him a concern troll. The dude is gone. Sullivan gone. BTW, if I ever start posting hate mail from right-wing idiots to show how brave I am for saying the hard truth and to get my ego assuaged by my sycophants, please get me professional help.

I think the lesson is pick your enemies wisely, because eventually they’ll define you. You’ll instinctively hate everything they like, and anything they hate… well that’s worth at least considering. There are lots of idiots out there, and you can either ignore them or focus on them and make them stronger. Charles decided to focus on right-wing idiots who made him mad, pushed back and got even more fight in response, and he kept going and now he is where he is.

Anyway, I’ll always remember him for the animated GIF of the forged Rather documents. That’s when the right-wing blogosphere first made it big. I think IMAO averaged its highest traffic ever around that time and hasn’t come close since.

Hmm… then maybe I’ve lost it.

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President Obama Supports Nationwide High Speed Monorail

At first I thought it was a dumb idea, but watching Obama’s informational video has persuaded me otherwise:

I mean, it DID put Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook on the map.

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James Flames has honored IMAO with the “Official Seal of Awesomeness” Award:

Now, I know some of you foreign readers see that hand and think it’s some sort of orificially-related rude gesture, but that’s because you live in a backwards and degenerate culture. In the only country that matters, this gesture is a symbol of approval.


To join the exclusive club of blogs who honor IMAO and have your award featured on our sidebar with a link to your blog, make up a fancy award image honoring IMAO, blog about it, and drop a link in the comments.

Keep it PG-13, and if it doesn’t suck too terribly bad, your award will be duly noted in a post (which may take a while if participation is heavy, so be patient), and placed in the sidebar with a link to your site.

As added incentive for people to honor IMAO with worthless, made-up awards, those who do so may proudly display this worthless, made-up Participant Ribbon:

If you don’t have a blog, then send your image to and include a link to one of your favorite IMAO posts.

For the Photoshop-impaired, here’s a guide to making mediocre fake pictures with Microsoft Paint

Or try the free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Maximum sidebar image width is 190 pixels. Please make sure text is at least barely legible at that size.

Now get honoring!

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Conservatives’ New Favorite Reporter

Right after the now famous video, Susan Roesgen was confronted. You really have to try hard to be this obtuse:

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Twitter Updates for 2009-04-17

  • Every day is awesome when you’re an American! #
  • New PJM column: “Why do they plunder us?” #
  • Stimulus works! RT @BreakingNews AP: New jobless claims fall for second straight week to 610,000. #
  • Isn’t that Big Hollywood? RT @allahpundit Right-wing HuffPo in the works? Gulp: #
  • RT @andrewbreitbart I am still steaming over the CNN reporter. Here’s a followup: #
  • Fred Thompson Show caller: “No Representation without Taxation.” No wonder 48% like tax rates when so many pay nothing. #
  • My Marine brother is sometimes pretty libertarian. I hope the DHS is watching him. #
  • Secession is a bad idea. That’s why we should only make the states we don’t like do it. #
  • I don’t care if there is a hot blond sitting next to you. Drive this and people will assume you’re gay: #
  • Link Fixed:I don’t care if there is a hot blond sitting next to you. Drive this and people will assume you’re gay: #
  • Is it illegal to advocate kidnapping the president’s dog? #
  • Am I just remembering things wrong, or did LGF used to criticize other people than conservatives? #
  • RT @mkhammer School of Journalism objects to…journalism? #
  • Quote from torture memo: “Don’t forget to torture.” #
  • Quote from torture memo: “Remember to charge the car battery.” #
  • Shortened user name. The underscore stands for “fun”. Also, Asian person took name I wanted. #
  • Quote from torture memo: “Remember to wish Amir a happy birthday as soon as he’s done being waterboarded.” #
  • TweetDeck no good. Anyone know of a Twitter program that won’t crash Vista 64-bit? #
  • Or any program, for that matter. #
  • Know who never watched Crowder’s videos? Hitler! RT @scrowder: “Obama the Pee Wee” vid. #tcot #
  • RT @allahpundit: Awesome: Garofalo flips out, accuses tea parties of being about nothing but racism #
  • RT @JTlol: Susan Roesgen’s e-mail inbox is impenetrable to any information you try to add to it. Much like her skull. #
  • Because I hate Garofalo so much, I make fun of her name and call her “Giraffe-alo”. #
  • RT @Lileks Writing about the George Will denim column. Feels like the times we woke Grampa because he fell asleep smoking. #

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