Frank Tips for the Swine Flu

People are getting worried about the swine flu. It’s probably just alarmism, but here’s some tips anyway to keep healthy:

* If you see any pigs, don’t put your mouth on them.

* Same goes for Mexicans.

* If someone is showing flu symptoms, lock him in the basement or a closet if to avoid infecting others.

* If you start showing flu symptoms, try and hide the fact so you don’t get locked in a basement.

* If flu continues to spread, read Stephen King’s The Stand to prepare for inevitable conflict between good and evil.

Just always remember what Smokey the Bear says: Give a hoot, be prepared for flu.

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22 Comments

  1. As with most viral infections, frequent handwashing is the key to avoiding swine flu.

    Therefore, after such activities as drinking from water collected in discarded tires, swimming in Mexican drainage ditches, and drinking the blood of innocent Central Americans, we should be careful to wash our hands.

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  2. I’ve been avoiding swine flu by discontinuing contact with politicians until we get the all clear.

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  3. Uncle Jimmy’s Hot Tips For Swine Flu:

    * If your Swine actually have the flu, for chrissakes don’t eat them until they’re better! Fluey Swine meat doesn’t taste good and is high in Cortisol.

    * Swine show flu symptoms by sweating which is not normal for them. If you see your Swine sweat, you’ve got a flu problem.

    * Keep your Swine hydrated and cool during their illness. If their rectal body temperature rises above 105F, place them in ice bath in your neighbor’s bath tub. Use your neighbor’s children to keep them (the Swine and your neighbor) calm during the shock.

    * If symptoms persist, call your local Swine Outreach Program at 555-55O-BAMA.

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  4. If your country gets the swine flu, go golfing. Preferrably not a poorly as the occupant of the White House.

    If you neighbor gets the swine flu, smoke him.

    If the illegal mexican next door gets the swine flu, send him to the golf course to caddy for that one.

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  5. Since B.J. Clinton mastered the use of the loony left press to misdirect attention from his incompetentcies and scandals, it makes you wonder what nefarious legislation Obama, Reid, Pelosi, Frank & company are trying to push through with this distraction?

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  6. Actually, given that this a mixture of avian and swine flu, this is freakin’ FLYING PIG FLU!!!!

    Are you trying to tell us that an America-hating POS like Obam…uhhh… getting elected President and flying pigs aren’t related?

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  7. If their rectal body temperature rises above 105F,

    Hire a hippie to take the rectal body temp of your swine: they need the work and will be right at home with the smell.

    FTFY Jimmy. 😉

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  8. OHHHH…”swine” flu! I thought it was S-wine flu.

    Whew!

    I thought I was going to have to give up Syrah, Shiraz, Sauvignon, Semillion…..

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  9. I welcome your suggestion, NunyaB. I was beginning to wonder about the efficacy of my own advice.

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  10. And as Hooty the Owl says “Only YOU can prevent forest fires….. So wait for a minute and have sex in the car !”

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  11. “Outbreak – the Sequel”, starring that little pig from ‘Babe’.
    (of course, by now, if it’s still alive, it probably weights 900lbs and has 4 inch tusks).
    That’ll do Pig, that’ll do.

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