Frank Tips for the Swine Flu

Posted on April 28, 2009 12:06 pm

People are getting worried about the swine flu. It’s probably just alarmism, but here’s some tips anyway to keep healthy:

* If you see any pigs, don’t put your mouth on them.

* Same goes for Mexicans.

* If someone is showing flu symptoms, lock him in the basement or a closet if to avoid infecting others.

* If you start showing flu symptoms, try and hide the fact so you don’t get locked in a basement.

* If flu continues to spread, read Stephen King’s The Stand to prepare for inevitable conflict between good and evil.

Just always remember what Smokey the Bear says: Give a hoot, be prepared for flu.

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22 Responses to “Frank Tips for the Swine Flu”

  1. MarkoMancuso says:

    Don’t forget your shotgun(s)!

  2. Son of Bob says:

    Remember, you can put lipstick on a pig…that’s how we got The View

  3. NunyaB says:

    Swine Flu…

    Defense against Radical Jihadi Moooooslims?

    Or a euphemism for Pork-Barrel Spending?

  4. Socrates says:

    As with most viral infections, frequent handwashing is the key to avoiding swine flu.

    Therefore, after such activities as drinking from water collected in discarded tires, swimming in Mexican drainage ditches, and drinking the blood of innocent Central Americans, we should be careful to wash our hands.

  5. Rahm Emanuel says:

    And can’t the Mexicannon be fired up to combat this crisis?

    Never let a crisis go to waste, I always say.

  6. STORM19111 says:

    Will we see Chevy Chase on SNL doing an Obama with a needle stuck in his arm? Just curious.

  7. zzyzx says:

    Anybody here ever read The Stand? It’s Captain Tripp’s, man, it’s finally here!

  8. Pit Nicker says:

    Completely OT, Snarlin’ Arlin a RINO no more:

    http://online.wsj.com/article/SB124093451028864031.html

    Super-sneaky Republican black bag operation or good riddance to bad rubbish?

  9. DesertElephant says:

    I’ve been avoiding swine flu by discontinuing contact with politicians until we get the all clear.

  10. Jimmy says:

    Uncle Jimmy’s Hot Tips For Swine Flu:

    * If your Swine actually have the flu, for chrissakes don’t eat them until they’re better! Fluey Swine meat doesn’t taste good and is high in Cortisol.

    * Swine show flu symptoms by sweating which is not normal for them. If you see your Swine sweat, you’ve got a flu problem.

    * Keep your Swine hydrated and cool during their illness. If their rectal body temperature rises above 105F, place them in ice bath in your neighbor’s bath tub. Use your neighbor’s children to keep them (the Swine and your neighbor) calm during the shock.

    * If symptoms persist, call your local Swine Outreach Program at 555-55O-BAMA.

  11. Plentyobailouts says:

    If your country gets the swine flu, go golfing. Preferrably not a poorly as the occupant of the White House.

    If you neighbor gets the swine flu, smoke him.

    If the illegal mexican next door gets the swine flu, send him to the golf course to caddy for that one.

  12. Eros says:

    Since B.J. Clinton mastered the use of the loony left press to misdirect attention from his incompetentcies and scandals, it makes you wonder what nefarious legislation Obama, Reid, Pelosi, Frank & company are trying to push through with this distraction?

  13. Master Shake says:

    Actually, given that this a mixture of avian and swine flu, this is freakin’ FLYING PIG FLU!!!!

    Are you trying to tell us that an America-hating POS like Obam…uhhh… getting elected President and flying pigs aren’t related?

  14. RightWingWhacko says:

    I am more concerned with Al Gore’s warning regarding Man-Bear-Pig flu. I’m serial.

  15. raml says:

    #11 They are trying to push through HR 669

  16. NunyaB says:

    If their rectal body temperature rises above 105F,

    Hire a hippie to take the rectal body temp of your swine: they need the work and will be right at home with the smell.

    FTFY Jimmy. ;)

  17. PammyV says:

    OHHHH…”swine” flu! I thought it was S-wine flu.

    Whew!

    I thought I was going to have to give up Syrah, Shiraz, Sauvignon, Semillion…..

  18. Jimmy says:

    I welcome your suggestion, NunyaB. I was beginning to wonder about the efficacy of my own advice.

  19. cincinnati_bob says:

    And as Hooty the Owl says “Only YOU can prevent forest fires….. So wait for a minute and have sex in the car !”

  20. Terry_Jim says:

    * Listen repeatedly to a swine singing, “I Will Survive”..

    (Holy crap, it sounds like Yoda in drag. Yeesch.)

    Your bout of swine flu will end when your head explodes.

  21. zzyzx says:

    Here’s a tip for avoiding the swine flu, stay away from pigs like Joy Behar…….Ed

  22. 5 of 7 says:

    “Outbreak – the Sequel”, starring that little pig from ‘Babe’.
    (of course, by now, if it’s still alive, it probably weights 900lbs and has 4 inch tusks).
    That’ll do Pig, that’ll do.

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