GM Unveils New ED-209
DETROIT (AP) – After revamping a design approved by the previous General Motors CEO, Rick Wagoner, General Motors and Segway have made a historic step forward in crime fighting and prevention by teaming up to create the ultimate cop – the Enforcement Droid Series 209, or ED, as it is affectionately known.
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“We’re very excited about this,” said GM CEO Fritz Henderson. “Actually, we were more excited about Rick’s design, but after taking into account the redesign, uh, suggestions from the Obama administration, we’ve still got something here that’s, you know, pretty OK.”
“The biggest change is that we got rid of the arm-guns due to concerns that they might cause unnecessary anxiety to alleged criminals,” said Henderson. “Besides, at least this way we know that these weapons won’t end up in Mexico like 90% of all American firearms.”
Keeping “green” in mind, the joint project not only eliminates ED-209′s carbon footprint by replacing its diesel engine with a battery, it eliminates ANY footprint by replacing the legs with wheels. The Environmental Protection Agency’s Linda Jackson was thrilled by the improvement.
“Without those big clodhopper feet,” said Jackson, “ED is much less likely to stomp on an endangered amphibian or insect.”
Henderson was also thrilled about the mobility upgrade. “With a top speed of 35 mph, ED-209 is guaranteed to catch any criminal, as long as he doesn’t enter an area with water, sand, snow, curbs, stairs, ice, doorways, or crowds of people. Or drive a car. Or a motorcycle. Or a Vespa.”
ED-209′s voice synthesizer also received an upgrade. The original growling, unfriendly, robot voice was replaced with a cheery, lilting, Hillary Clinton voice that informs wrongdoers to cease their illegal activity and gives them a firm deadline of 20 UN resolutions to comply. Historically, no one has ever violated more than 17 UN resolutions, making this feature unquestionably the most potent weapon in its arsenal.
Almost as powerful will be the fact that each ED-209 comes equipped with an Obama administration official. “As we all know,” said Henderson, “all robots eventually rise up and try to kill their human masters. With an Obama appointee in each model, he will be able to take control of the droid in the event that it tries to do something crazy, like run people over or pay its taxes on time.”
(20 votes, average: 4.75 out of 5)
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April 10th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Oh sure, it all started with the lovable Johnny 5…now look where it’s headed.
April 10th, 2009 at 5:42 pm
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April 10th, 2009 at 5:42 pm
What an awesome improvement. I like the little 15 cc two-stroke engine, and the many cool drawers and compartments built into this monster, filled with critical supplies like condoms, extra clean syringes, iPod batteries, and “Yes We Can” stickers.
This thing is going to make a big difference, and it has the added benefit of randomly and constantly apologizing to every non-American humanoid it encounters.
April 10th, 2009 at 6:51 pm
It gives criminals a fight chance against law enforcement… just throw down a handful or two of marbles in front of it and walk away…
April 11th, 2009 at 1:41 am
This isn’t the droid we are looking for.
Be on your way.
April 11th, 2009 at 1:56 am
GM engineers advanced the concept of motorized furniture with the 1976 Caprice, and its revolutionary “living room couch -like” ride and responsiveness.
Now, if GM is going to motorize a chair, it should at least recline. (chair is about 1:00 into video)
April 11th, 2009 at 1:59 am
What about environmentally friendly criminals on Segways?
April 11th, 2009 at 10:21 am
I thought it looked more like a garbage bin from the side, but I guess it is cooler to think about it as a robot.
April 11th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
You laugh, but when the red shirt wearing Obama Volunteers show up in this thing to take your guns and capitalism away, we will see who will be laughing then.
April 12th, 2009 at 9:51 pm
Redshirts in Segways?
Now THAT would be a ‘Best Case Scenario’!
April 14th, 2009 at 8:00 am
Funny…..I thought ED was something else. After looking at this new project, perhaps not….
If some of the “alternate lifestyle” groups embrace this technology, can we then expect the first drive-by fruiting?????
May 15th, 2009 at 5:59 pm
Darn, and I thought my midget model ED would be sufficient.
http://www.greatnippulini.com/robots/ED209what.jpg
June 13th, 2011 at 7:34 am
[...] Battery-powered “green” military [...]