In My World: Negotiation with Iran

President Obama approached Ahmadinejad. “Thank you for agreeing to meet and talk with me.” He then bowed to him.

“What the hell are you doing?” Ahmadinejad asked.

“I’m… uh…”

“Have some self respect, man!”

Obama stood back up. “I got you an iPod.”

Ahmadinejad grabbed it greedily. “Neato.”

“It’s got my speeches on it.”

Ahmadinejad hit some buttons on it. “I already deleted them. I got you this.” He handed Obama a little bag.

Obama looked it over. “A bag of rubber bands. Uh… thanks.”

They sat down at at the meeting table. “I just want to say how much more I like you than Bush,” Ahmadinejad said. “That guy was an idiot.”

“And I apologize for him and for my country. You don’t have to worry about that thuggishness anymore, though.”

“I’m glad to hear it. You are a very good man, Obama.”

He smiled. “Thanks. Anyway, I guess I should get right to it. Since we’re in a new era and can trust each other, could you do me a solid and not make nuclear weapons?”

Ahmadinejad was silent for a a while, thinking it over. “I’m afraid I’m going to have to say no.”


“The answer is no. I’ve already told everybody I’m going to make nuclear weapons, and I don’t want to be a liar. You understand, right?”

“I guess…”

“And North Korea is working on them, and that guy there is a poofter. If he gets nuclear missiles and I don’t, what will people think of me. It’s an appearances thing you see.”

Obama nodded. “Well, I guess it’s not too bad if it’s just for appearances. Could you at least promise me you won’t use them on Israel?”

Ahmadinejad consider it for a few seconds. “I’m going to have to pass on that.”

“It’s just that…”

“We’re kinda getting into private Iranian affairs here,” Ahmadinejad explained. “I like you and everything, but this really isn’t your business.”

“Okay, I see. Could I at least come away from this meeting with your personal guarantee you won’t use nuclear weapons on America?”

Ahmadinejad thought about that for a few moments. “We’ll consider it. I’ll talk about it with the others, and… well, we’ll see.”

“Thanks… I guess. I think we made some progress. It was great talking to you.”

“And I have to say once again how grateful I am that America elected you and got rid of stupid Bush. I like you much better. All the world leaders agree.”

“Glad to hear it.” Obama stood up and offered his hand to Ahmadinejad.

“Eh… I don’t want to touch you.”

“Uh… okay.” Obama turned to leave and looked out the window. “Where did my car go?”

“We liked it so we took it,” Ahmadinejad said. “You can walk back.”

“You took my car?”

“It’s just how things are here. No big deal. Have a nice walk.”

Obama headed out the door and turned to his Secret Service agent. “I think that went well. World leaders certainly respect me.”

“I’m not your friend; don’t talk to me.”

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  1. Final verse to this..

    Iran: would you drop off a package for us? save us some postage?
    Obama: Sure
    Iran: just leave this at Ben Gurion Airport on your way back.
    Obama: No problem.. by the way, will this help in my approval ratings in Iran?
    Iran: if you do this for us, it surely will


  2. Hopefully Teh One brings Rahm along when he goes to visit Ahmadinejad and the mullahs. I’m interested in knowing whether the meeting will bring out the ballerina or the IDF tough guy in him. I’m betting on ballerina.


  3. The neat thing about ostriches keeping their heads in the sand is that everything continues to look good and they never find out who kicks them in the ass.


  4. “Oh and, could you not give Ipods to the leaders of other Muslim countries? I don’t want to seem ungrateful or anything, but they might laff at you, not being as worldly as we are and all. ” “Oh, OK… um.. thanks…er.”


  5. now lets take a look at that scenario as if I were president instead (I’m starting my campaign early)

    Me: Hey Ahmadinejad this whole destroy Israel thing and nuclear weapons has go to go.
    Ahmadinejad: aren’t you even going to say hello?
    Me: no now say yes I will comply. Or else.
    Ahmadinejad: or else what?
    Me: or else I’ll let Israel turn your Capitol Building into another crater in the middle east.
    Ahmadinejad: Isn’t that a little Imperialistic?
    Me: Not according the latest Websters Dictionary, and I don’t care. You have an ambition to destroy one of our closest allies and this is something I and the U.S of A cannot stand for.
    Ahmadinejad: Ha America couldn’t even beat Al-qaeda and lost Iraqw according to Harry Reid.
    Me: Yeah and now Mr. Reid is talking Canadian Polar Bears in the Inuit Territory, I made him my Secretary of Polar Affairs since people have been so worried about that. Now This whole Destroy Israel and America thing your going to stop that now.
    (I pull out a large red button with the word Nuclear Weapon Pointed at Iran printed on the front in Arabic)
    Ahmadinejad: okay what ever you want ! Just don’t hurt me!
    Me: well Dee Jhad that will be up to your people I now Declare Iran a Democracy!And you guys can keep Islam I don’t care and I really like some of the ways it deals with criminals if you know what I mean.
    Ahmadinejad: NOOOOOO!!! ( as he is carried away by several large men)


  6. Isn’t giving an i-pod already loaded with your speeches, and choice in songs, a bit like giving someone a really lame mix tape? Especially when you consider that the price of an i-pod to the White House is probably like the cost of a blank cassette tape to regular folk.


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