It’s Earth Day!

Today is Earth Day! That means the earth turns 4,543,823,194 today. It’s old. Very old. I wonder if it can even really support today’s modern lifestyle. It really seems like we should be getting a new earth by now. One that’s young and hip. One that’s not your typical planet. One that not afraid of wearing black, getting tattoos, and having gay friends. An earth for the future.

Probably won’t though. It will be just another year of boring old stupid earth. I wish we would just conquer Saturn and settle on a moon there. There no life on Saturn, though, so I’m not sure how we know when we’ve defeated it. I guess we just go over there, launch a few missiles at it, and declare ourselves victors. Then we could celebrate Saturn Day every year, and it would be a much better holiday.

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21 Comments

  1. We are an arrogant earth. We are no better than any other planet. We don’t even pick up our garbage after missions to the moon or Mars, so why should the earth get special treatment?

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  2. “Then we could celebrate Saturn Day every year, and it would be a much better holiday.”

    Especially considering that one year on Saturn equals 29 1/2 years on Earth. We’d only have to celebrate that inane holiday two, maybe three times in our life. Good thinking, FrankJ. Let’s do it! Plus, conquering Saturn would be a good testing ground to try out our space-based dinosaurs with rocket launchers.

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  3. To hell with Earth Day. Be a true man and celebrate Arbor Day. With Arbor Day, you plant trees, which is a lot of work. You dig holes, you lift up trees and you wrestle them into place. The trees provide shade when they grow larger. With Earth Day, you hang out with hippies in the hot sun.

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  4. What?! Some shmucks out there get the day off for Earth Day? Not only is it Earth Day, but it’s my birthday too, and here I am working all day like a useful, productive member of society. Maybe I’ll have a big bonfire tonight to celebrate my utter disdain for hippies and everything they stand for.

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  5. I think the real crime here is that this earth day overshadows the real important thing today. Its lenins birthday. One of the most beloved and influential leaders of all time, save that of that one. He is the reason that marxism worked so well for the soviets. Save for that one, there has never been a better leader in all of earths history. Celebrate the earth, celebrate lenin, celebrate that one!!1111!

    /sarc

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  6. In keeping with celebrating the bounty that Mother Earth provides, my annual Earth Day tradition consists of driving my SUV into the forest early in the morning, keeping the motor running so I can stay warm. Then I take out my 30.06 and shoot a baby deer. Next, with a gas-guzzling Husqvarna I chop down a tree for use as firewood to convert the aforementioned doe into soft, tender venison. The leftover wood will come home for use in my woodstove. After enjoying my meal with a fine cigar, I’ll shoot a few more critters to save for later, then head back into town for a drunken night of hippie-punching fun at their filthy vegetarian restaurant.

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  7. 1)Bawny Fwank wants to conquer Uranus. 2) 4.5+ Billion human years is only ~6000 Earth years. She’s got tatoos,they’re called continents, by humans. 3) She wears black at night, you just can’t see it ‘cuz it’s DARK. 4) Saturn is reputed to be older than Earth(by a few human millenia), and plundered by the Jupiterians 1billion human years ago. 5) The rings of Saturn used to be moons, until the Jupiterians NUKED them. The Saturnian Surrender Monkeys vacated Saturn for Uranus, where they fling poo in Saturns general direction. 6) Meteors are fossilized Saturnian Surrender Monkey poo, as is the ASSteroid belt. Just in case you wondered.

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  8. 4,543,823,194 years old? I know FrankJ is probably either just making the number up, or read it off of Wikipedia, and thus it is probably equally wrong. However, let us say that you could go back in time, to that long ago, and establish a special savings account with some alien race that paid a dollar a day. Would that account have enough money in it to pay off Obama’s budget plan? No.

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  9. Are those 4,543,823,194 “sidereal years,” Frank, or Julian, tropical, anomalistic, draconic, Gaussian or Besselian ? It could make a difference to the length of Obama’s term.

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  10. “One that’s young and hip. One that’s not your typical planet. One that not afraid of wearing black, getting tattoos, and having gay friends. An earth for the future.”

    That was a sweet shot at Missy McCain 😀

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