Know Thy Enemy: Nancy Pelosi
With Nancy Pelosi in the news so much lately, I though people might want to know more about her. Thus, I sent my crack research staff to find out all they could about her. Get ready to update Wikipedia!
FUN FACTS ABOUT NANCY PELOSI
* Nancy Pelosi had to exploit her connections in government to get approval to build her gingerbread house.
* Despite her appearance and that she’s from San Francisco, reportedly Pelosi is not an old tranny.
* If the pressure used to stretch back Pelosi’s face were ever released, it could take out a city block.
* Every time Pelosi lies, her face stretches tighter.
* Pelosi’s favorite food is the tears of crying children.
* Humans have a natural, untaught fear of snakes, spiders, and Pelosi’s smiling visage.
* Nancy Pelosi was the inspiration for the Cloverfield monster.
* As an official in San Francisco, Pelosi personally took away Dirty Harry’s badge on four separate occasions.
* Common Pelosi rebuttal in political debates: “I’ll suck out your life juices!”
* Pelosi’s tramp stamp is the Chinese symbol for “dessicated.”
* If Pelosi looks at you and bares her teeth (“smiles”), that means she is about to attack. Shield face and groin.
* Pelosi’s iPod is filled with nothing but the sounds kittens make when they’re strangled.
* Contrary to popular rumors, Pelosi will not melt when she comes in contact with water. But she will multiply.
* Instead of Nana or Grammy, Pelosi’s nickname from her grandchildren is “Proof there is no God.”
* In a fight between Nancy Pelosi and Aquaman, Pelosi would claim Aquaman never told her that he planned to submerge his enemies in water.
* Pelosi has hired the Jim Henson Creature Shop to give her a wider range of facial expressions.
* Pelosi doesn’t shake hands and kiss babies because she tends to frighten people when she exclaims, “Mmm… fresh baby!”
* Currently, in San Francisco the phrase “The San Francisco Treat” refers to a bag over Pelosi’s head.
(36 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)
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May 19th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
If you look at her directly, you will turn to stone.
May 19th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
I was wondering how you’d fit the obligatory Aquaman line in there. PERFECT!
May 19th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Chortle.
May 19th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Speaking of Aquaman, he’s been suspiciously silent on waterboarding. I think he may be hiding something.
May 19th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Common Pelosi rebuttal in political debates: “I’ll suck out your life juices!”
I thought it was “I’ll swallow your soul !”
May 19th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
* Every time Pelosi lies, her face stretches tighter.
For the REAL uber-geeks, doesn’t she sort of remind you of “Cassandra” in the new Doctor Who (the stretched piece of skin that tries to kill people)?
May 19th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
In a fight between Nancy Pelosi and Hillary Clinton, The Hounds of Hell would sit in the corner, whimper and wet themselves in fear.
May 19th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Nanzyte: The opposite of “natural male enhancement.”
Please see a doctor if you experience vomiting lasting more than four hours.
Warning: testicles may ascend and not return.
May 19th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Pelosi’s tramp stamp
Thanksalot Frank, I really didn’t need that mental image.
“The San Francisco Treat” refers to a bag over Pelosi’s head.
You are talking about one of those PLASTIC dry-cleaner bags, right?
Funny stuff these KTEs.
May 19th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
Has anyone else noticed that you never see Nancy Pelosi and Helen Thomas in the same room at the same time?
May 19th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Nancy Pelosi was the inspiration for the Cloverfield monster
Toned it down a bit, did they?
May 19th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
What, you’re saying she’s younger than she looks?
May 19th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
I’ve heard that Pelosi giggles and farts when you say, “Stimulus” to her.
May 19th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
that another face only a mother could love.
May 19th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
Favorite Recipe includes the phrase
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn, and caldron bubble.”
May 19th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
“* Despite her appearance and that she’s from San Francisco, reportedly Pelosi is not an old tranny.”
I think you’re confused. Nancy is clearly an old tranny, while Michelle Obama is a much younger tranny.
May 19th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
That troll is so dumb she thinks a Mexican border pays rent.
May 19th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
sophie, I wondered at first glance how they got the Speaker of the House to guest star on Doctor Who.
May 19th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
Pelosi is actually a form of Cenobite that operates entirely on an emotional and psychological level.
Pelosi is the primary reason Cthulhu has not risen, as he, and I quote “does not want to deal with that scary damn bitch”.
If Pelosi stares at a pregnat woman for longer than four second that woman will imidiately miscarry. This is how Pelosi spends her friday nights.
Finally, Nancy Pelosi hates balck people.
May 19th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
The only weapons that can defeat Pelosi are from the super natural relems. Even Satan starts crying, curls into a ball, and wets himself when you mention Pelosi to him.
May 19th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
* Pelosi’s tramp stamp is the Chinese symbol for “dessicated.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
May 19th, 2009 at 6:37 pm
Nasty piglosi, where boners go to die:
NASTY PIGLOSI, SURELY YOU JEST,
YOUR DENIAL OF WATER BOARDING SHOULD BE PUT TO REST,
GET OFF YOUR BROOM AND ADMIT YOU CONSPIRED,
IN THIS VILE CANARD YOU ARE DEEPLY MIRED,
ONE MORE FACE LIFT AND YOU’LL BE SHAVING YOUR CHEST.
NASTY PIGLOSI HAS HER OWN FACTOTUM,
HER LAST FACE LIFT LOOKS LIKE A SCROTUM,
LEAVING HER BROOM ASIDE,THIS UGLY OLD HIDE,
INSISTS UPON A GULFSTREAM IN WHICH TO RESIDE,
LETS PUT AN END UM, TO THIS GERIATRIC PUDENDUM
May 19th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
<i?* Common Pelosi rebuttal in political debates: “I’ll suck out your life juices!”
Actually, Pelosi has already sucked out the “precious bodily fluids” of all the male, Democrat Senators. Apparently, their spines disappeared in the process.
May 19th, 2009 at 7:41 pm
You should do a daily Pelosi facts column. It would be hilarious!
May 19th, 2009 at 11:35 pm
1) Nancy Pelosi stole Dick Cheney’s iPod. 2) Has an aversion to garlic, crucifixes, silver bullets, daylight, and Blade movies. 3) Speaks Gobble-dee-gook and Mumbo-Jumbo fluently. 4) More crooked than Lombard St. 5) Was the BirdNan of Alcatraz in her youth.
May 20th, 2009 at 1:14 am
Nazi Pukelosi is not amused!
May 20th, 2009 at 6:49 am
It true about the tramp stamp. Here’s the proof:
http://www.chineseinkdesign.com/Chinese-Symbol-for-desiccated.htm
May 20th, 2009 at 9:37 am
The only answer for Pelosi is the S-Mart weekly special, MY BOOMSTICK!!
May 20th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
Nancy Pelosi never shakes hands and kisses babies because she’s too busy kissing hands (and feet) and shaking babies. She takes her babies like Bond does Martinis.
May 20th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Settlers in the 1700′s used to punish criminals by forcing them to sniff Nancy Pelosi’s broomstick.
May 20th, 2009 at 7:29 pm
Not many people know this, but, Pelosi is the sister of famed entertainer Pinocchio! Both started out as dummies carved by the famous marionette maker Mr. Geppetto. When the good (are there really any good ones?) fairy turned him into a “real boy” she turned his sister Pelosi into a “real girl.” For a while they were on stage together as a singing duet but both longed for a career in politics. Unfortunately Pinocchio had this problem with his nose …. it would grow whenever he told a lie. No matter how hard he tried he couldn’t tell a lie without his nose suddenly growing at a terrific rate. This physical deformity cut his promising political career short and he was forced to return to being a song and dance man. Fortunately his sister Pelosi was not afflicted with this family malady and was easily able make the jump from show biz to politics. The rest of the story is of course history! Today she is a successful politician from the successful state of California, third in line for the presidency. Even so most people think she’s still a dummy with sawdust for brains. A few years after carving Pinocchio and Pelosi Mr. Geppetto carved another dummy he named Algore….but that’s another story for another time.
May 20th, 2009 at 10:14 pm
Mr. Geppetto carved another dummy he named Algore
So when does Algore turn into a Non-Wooden American?
(I almost peed myself reading the comments in this thread; just sayin. Well done everyone!)
May 21st, 2009 at 5:13 pm
Sadly, NunyaB the odds are not in Algores favor. The good fairy was so worn out after changing Pinocchio that she was barely able to change Pelosi. Some say that’s why Pelosi still seems stiff and wooden and has sawdust leaking from her ears