United States Declares Bankruptcy

WASHINGTON (AP) – On behalf of the United States, President Barack Obama filed for Chapter 7 bankruptcy today, stating that the nation was “completely incapable” of paying back the enormous debts that it has accumulated.

“Like New! Must Sell!”

“We were barely hanging on,” said Obama “then I guess I got a little crazy – spent three and a half trillion dollars that I didn’t have. Now my accountant says I have no choice but to liquidate. Got some cool cars and a couple banks out of it, but looking back, I’m not sure it was worth it.”

Part of the problem was that 48% of Americans sent teabags to the IRS this year instead of paying their income taxes. Unfortunately, this was the productive 48% of the country that works hard, runs businesses, creates jobs, and earns a profit.

“Although the other 52% of the country DID send in their 1040’s,” noted Obama, “it was all ‘tax-credit’ this, and ‘exemption’ that, and ‘I’m old! Gimme money!’. Cost us billions in refunds, which only made the situation worse.”

“We probably could’ve held out for a bit longer, because I finally got Daschle to pay up,” mused the President, “but then I spent that on an Air Force One photo-op over New York City. In retrospect, I probably should’ve just turned Malia loose with a copy of Photoshop and called it good.”

As a gesture of international good will, the US will be returning some territory to its original owners.

“Mexico will get back all the land we picked up from them in 1848,” said Obama. “Which is fine, since now it’s mostly waterless desert full of rattlesnakes and hippies. Good riddance, I say. Although good luck trying to take back Texas.”

“Fortunately we kept the receipt for the Louisiana purchase, and we’re hoping France will give is our money back. We might only get a partial refund, though, since New Orleans is still a little damp & mildewy”.

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22 Comments

  1. This is not far from the truth. yet there are those leftists idiots that will defend that one, simply because they are lazy hippies. When they do turn this nation over to the communists, and they are put into the death camps. Are they going to blame Bush? The leftists sit on their roofs, waiting for the moron they elected to help them, but instead, he is eating $100 apound beef with jugo chavez and rawl castro, laughing at them eating cat.
    On the bright side I do have a fat neighbor, should last a few weeks.

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  2. 2012 isn’t coming fast enough!!! I’ll be glad when the clown and circus are out of town and the growns ups run the country again. Hopefully any damage obama and his gang do to this country can be fixed.

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  3. “Although good luck trying to take back Texas”, may be more prophetic than Harvey means to be, although probably not for MEXICO….

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  4. I seriously doubt Russia would be able to wrest Alaska from Sarah either. Why does it have to be so damn cold it the monkey free states? D’ya think we can convince them to leave Florida on their own?

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  5. Usually under bankruptcy settlements, debtors receive only a percentage of the debt owed…often pennies on the dollar. So, why wouldn’t we just allow America’s debtors to split up California? If they really fussed, we could always throw in Massachusetts.

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  6. Tea Party 2 – Armed and Dangerous! This time, we March on Washington District of Criminals!

    What will it take to get the moonbats to “voluntarily” relocate and live with their friends in France, Cuba, Venezuela, etc? I really don’t understand why they live in the US when they hate it so much.

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  7. Again, Harvey’s incisive, satirical humor leaves me snickering and re-reading the “newsish fakery” in my cubicle.

    Vote for Harvey!

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  8. I think Harvey left out the Great Palin State of Alaska because, well, he has a crush on her. Plus, he wants all the polar bears for his freezer meat.

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  9. NunyaB. I’m fairly certain they’d move if we start sniping at them every time they show themselves or open their mouths to speak. Of course, after the 3rd celebutard’s head turns to a fine, pink mist, they may move to France and never speak again. After all, have guns, will travel.

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  10. We owe a lot of countries a lot of money, lead and some heavy elements weigh similar to gold, so we should send payment in the form of a lot of lead and maybe some (heavy elements).

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  12. In anticipation of the day of our new landlord’s pending take over….I have decided to stop taking Spanish lessons (after all I don’t live in California) and instead have decided to become fluent in Chinese. Ni how ma! What do ya think?

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  13. Maybe we could just sell off selected cities. New York, LA, Chicago, Detroit, Seattle. That would cut down on the loony lefts influence and drop the murder rate tremendously. For the Conservatives who live there, there is plenty of room out here in Fly over country. C’mon down, we actually believe in capitalism and liberty. The more the merrier.

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  14. So, sell-off Seattle, eh, seanmahair? But I need saltwater! You got saltwater in Kansas? Texas has saltwater. Hmmm… Texas.

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  15. I know, I know Jimmy-boyo. I used to think salt water was essential too. But I cannot live in the Socialist Republic of Maryland anymore (heck I can’t even visit without spending the night in the emergency room apparently). Now I just sit back and watch the most beautiful sunrises and sunsets in the world and hope that most people never realize what we have here in Oz.

    It’s the best kept secret in the county. Even some of the people living here don’t get it but that’s ok they can leave any time. Like our former governor the wrong, dishonorable Katie Spendalotus they can move on.org.

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