WASHINGTON (AP) – On behalf of the United States, President Barack Obama filed for Chapter 7 bankruptcy today, stating that the nation was “completely incapable” of paying back the enormous debts that it has accumulated.
“We were barely hanging on,” said Obama “then I guess I got a little crazy – spent three and a half trillion dollars that I didn’t have. Now my accountant says I have no choice but to liquidate. Got some cool cars and a couple banks out of it, but looking back, I’m not sure it was worth it.”
Part of the problem was that 48% of Americans sent teabags to the IRS this year instead of paying their income taxes. Unfortunately, this was the productive 48% of the country that works hard, runs businesses, creates jobs, and earns a profit.
“Although the other 52% of the country DID send in their 1040’s,” noted Obama, “it was all ‘tax-credit’ this, and ‘exemption’ that, and ‘I’m old! Gimme money!’. Cost us billions in refunds, which only made the situation worse.”
“We probably could’ve held out for a bit longer, because I finally got Daschle to pay up,” mused the President, “but then I spent that on an Air Force One photo-op over New York City. In retrospect, I probably should’ve just turned Malia loose with a copy of Photoshop and called it good.”
As a gesture of international good will, the US will be returning some territory to its original owners.
“Mexico will get back all the land we picked up from them in 1848,” said Obama. “Which is fine, since now it’s mostly waterless desert full of rattlesnakes and hippies. Good riddance, I say. Although good luck trying to take back Texas.”
“Fortunately we kept the receipt for the Louisiana purchase, and we’re hoping France will give is our money back. We might only get a partial refund, though, since New Orleans is still a little damp & mildewy”.