In the Wilderness

Hey, it’s Frank, the real one (whenever I announce I’m going on vacation, look out for fake Frank J.’s). I’m still in Yellowstone but I found I could get internet connection by wrapping copper wire around the antlers of a moose. They’re pretty docile, especially if you choke them unconscious first. Buffalo are easier to sneak up on, but harder to get in a sleeper hold.

Anyway, I am now thirty today. It’s a good decade. Thirty is when the greats usually produce their seminal work, as thirty is the best balance of youth and experience. So expect great things from me. Terrible things, yes, but great things.

BTW, I forgot to mention to keep checking Pajamas Media as they should have a new column up from me at some point. They usually have one from me once a week. They’re cool like that.

Later, peeps. Now wish me a happy birthday!

Send to Kindle

Capitalist Propaganda: “Communism is Your Friend, Jimmy!”

I don’t know much about this one except that it was done by a student (probably college) for some class, somewhere around 2008. I offer “Communism is Your Friend, Jimmy!”:

[YouTube direct link]

It vaguely parodies the style of the 50’s Coronet Films, however, it doesn’t parody their message. The production values and acting are low-budget, film-school-awful, yet I found the dialogue reminiscent of something that I imagine a very young Frank J. might have attempted after one too many martinis persuaded him that it was a really cool idea.

If nothing else, I found it amusing, and I especially liked the line, “Well, Jimmy, after a long hard day of working for the good of the people, I’m very tired. Now the last thing I want to do when I come home is think for myself. If we had a totalitarian, communist government, I wouldn’t have to!”

Lower your expectations a bit & give it a shot. I hope you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

Send to Kindle

Link of the Day

Best. Board Game. Parody. Ever.

Obamopoly at America is an Obamanation.

Send to Kindle

Frank J’s Birthday

Frank J turns 30 today. Wonder how he’ll celebrate?

I speculate thusly:

“Obama just spoke without a teleprompter again! Free comedy gold!”

* Making a pilgrimmage to that new Reagan statue so he can lay a wreath at its feet made of commie scalps.

* Working on his own version of Riff Trax. The bad news is, the only line he can come up with is “I weel eet ur eyeballs and throw poo at u!!!”. The good news is that this actually works as a pretty good replacement for any line by Jar Jar Binks, so “Phantom Menace” is almost done.

* Giving up on dinosaurs armed with rocket launchers. Now working on rocket launchers that fire dinosaurs.

* Trying to warn Obama about the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad in order to save the nation from 7 years of “President Biden”

* Building up the callous on his trigger finger.

* Marking the 20th anniversary of the Tiananmen Square massacre by flying to the Square and mooning every Chinese Army soldier he sees. Which is especially rude because Frank has an American flag tattooed on one cheek and the words “Commies Suck!” on the other.

* None of your damn business how I know that.

* Asking Stephen Crowder how he gets such bouncy, shiny, manageable hair.

* Re-reading Fun Facts About Idaho to see if there’s ANYTHING to do in that damn state that doesn’t involve potatoes.

* Figuring out a way to punch three hippies at once using only two fists that doesn’t involve being Fred Thompson.

* Same way he celebrates every birthday – seeking black-market fissionables while shaking his fist at a natural satellite.

Speculate on Frank’s activities or leave him a birthday message (or both) in the comments.

Send to Kindle


Reader Joel (who has some fiction for your perusal over here, but is mostly blogless and settles for occasionally de-lurking in IMAO’s comments) has honored IMAO with the “GOLDEN SPACE MONKEY AWARD: This prize has been awarded to IMAO because we excavated a radioactive crater on the moon and all we found was this lousy Golden Space Monkey. It should be safe as long as you don’t lick it” Award.

It’s nice that Joel put a warning label on this, but I served on board the USS Enterprise and I was collecting photons from the reactor long before that filthy commie Chekov snuck on board my nuclear wessel. Radiation doesn’t frighten me.

Although it SHOULD frighten YOU. Ever notice that my posts tend to glow just a little bit brighter than Frank’s?

Leave all the comments you want. Just don’t lick the screen.


To join the exclusive club of blogs who honor IMAO and have your award featured on our sidebar with a link to your blog, make up a fancy award image honoring IMAO, blog about it, and drop a link in the comments.

Keep it PG-13, and if it doesn’t suck too terribly bad, your award will be duly noted in a post (Current estimated wait time – 3 Award posts), and placed in the sidebar with a link to your site.

As added incentive for people to honor IMAO with worthless, made-up awards, those who do so may proudly display this worthless, made-up Participant Ribbon:

If you don’t have a blog, then send your image to and include a link to one of your favorite IMAO posts.

For the Photoshop-impaired, here’s a guide to making mediocre fake pictures with Microsoft Paint

Or try the free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Maximum sidebar image width is 190 pixels. Please make sure text is at least barely legible at that size.

Now get honoring!

Send to Kindle

Chuck Norris Fact

Chuck Norris contains so much concentrated crime-fighting power that even his picture will make a Croatian bakery thief wet himself in terror.

[via From the Halls to the Shores]

Send to Kindle

Randomish Thought-thingies

I’m hate the Twitter. It’s so rude when people do it in meetings, or while having dinner. Or while on the toilet. That’s just gross.

@sarahk47 You said you were going to pick up some more Charmin. I remember you saying that!

@sarahk47 Yes, you did! And I need some!

@sarahk47 Hurry up! My right leg has fallen asleep.

Yay! I’m now following @Jonasbrothers. They are SO cool! I think they’ll follow me back.

BLOCK SpaceMonkey_

My foot itches.

FOLLOW MichelleMalkin

Did you know that if you take a wash cloth, put it over your hand, and rub the soap on it back and forth real fast, you can see an outline of your hand in the wash cloth.

I like pie.

@JTlol My watch says it’s 12:29. I think it’s fast. What time do you have?

NUDGE MichelleMalkin

I just bought a new poster of Robert Pattinson. I’m taking it to work next week! All the guys will be so jealous.

STALK MichelleMalkin

@andylevy When can I be on your show? I think I could do a better job than Greg.

@greggutfeld When can I be on your show? I think I could do a better job than Andy.

@MichelleMalkin I sent you an email. Did you get it?

@MichelleMalkin Hello?

I saw a UFO once. Then a rabbit attacked me.

OFF @MichelleMalkin

I have an idea for a TV show. A guy buys a an old car. Turns out, it’s really his dead mother. And she speaks through the radio. It’s a can’t miss!

How much wind could a wind breaker break if a wind breaker could break wind?

RT @Jonasbrothers LIVE WEBCAST on FACEBOOK tomorrow at 5PM PDT! Tweet us your questions early here! > -JB

FOLLOW bamapachyderm

@bamapachyderm I sent you an email. Did you get it?

For my birthday, I want a pony. And a real one, this time. Not one made of old blankets, sawdust, and bones. Like last year.

Oh, yeah, I forgot. I got a life-size Miley Cyrus made of old blankets, sawdust, and bones for my birthday last year. It was the second best birthday I’ve ever had.

I ate 12 Krystals once. That was for lunch. For dinner, I had 50 hard-boiled eggs, and fought George Kennedy for dessert.

@bamapachyderm You never responded to my email. Don’t worry. I’ll send another one.

I am president of the Charlotte Rampling fan club.

@bamapachyderm What’s your fax number?

Can you use a blackberry in the shower? I heard you can. But if you get it wet, it might stop wo

Send to Kindle