In the Wilderness
Hey, it’s Frank, the real one (whenever I announce I’m going on vacation, look out for fake Frank J.’s). I’m still in Yellowstone but I found I could get internet connection by wrapping copper wire around the antlers of a moose. They’re pretty docile, especially if you choke them unconscious first. Buffalo are easier to sneak up on, but harder to get in a sleeper hold.
Anyway, I am now thirty today. It’s a good decade. Thirty is when the greats usually produce their seminal work, as thirty is the best balance of youth and experience. So expect great things from me. Terrible things, yes, but great things.
BTW, I forgot to mention to keep checking Pajamas Media as they should have a new column up from me at some point. They usually have one from me once a week. They’re cool like that.
Later, peeps. Now wish me a happy birthday!
(21 votes, average: 4.90 out of 5)
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June 4th, 2009 at 11:14 pm
Happy Birth-Day, Liberals with seeth with anger on this day just knowing you existed, and attempt to wipe June 4th from the Calendar just because the greatest Conservative Website host was born on this day. Arianna Huffington is curled in a corner crying for all the anti-socialist remarks made by this site. Happy Birthday Frank J.
June 4th, 2009 at 11:20 pm
Many happy returns of the day you young whippersnapper you.
June 4th, 2009 at 11:21 pm
Happy birthday and I hope you enjoy Yellowstone, my wife and I used to live right near West Yellowstone in Montana.
June 4th, 2009 at 11:40 pm
And you are whom, precisely? “Frank J” doesn’t really ring any bells. Are you sure you have the right blog?
Oh, wait — you’re not that sockpuppet impersonator of Basil, are you? Personally, I think you’re funnier that he is.
June 4th, 2009 at 11:47 pm
We love you Frank – and – we hate you. But most of all, we just can’t seem to give you up!
Happy Birthday!
Remember:
When you turn 30, no big deal. You’re just “over the hill” and barely not a kid anymore.
When you turn 40, you’re “fat, dumb and forty” and you’re a member of the establishment so they HAVE to listen to you. (We will between now and then.)
When you turn 50, you’re in a perpetual state of “been there, done that, can’t remember” otherwise known as a “genuine antique person.”
When you turn 60 and beyond, well… I suspect that you’re perpetually diseased in the eyes of your juniors. But I can’t actually report on that one yet.
June 4th, 2009 at 11:53 pm
Well happy birthday dammit. It doesn’t count if you have to ask for it though. Like sex.
Be careful about strangling moose/elk or anything of the sort. Make sure you are looking up. You wouldn’t want SarahPalin to fill you fill of lead on your birthday while she is vacationing in Yellowstone.
June 5th, 2009 at 12:18 am
Happy Birthday, Harvey. May the blessings of God continue to follow you.
June 5th, 2009 at 12:20 am
Happy Birthday!
Lemme put on my Andy Rooney eyebrows for a second
and ask you a birthday quiz:
Q: Didja ever wonder why
you “reach”10, you “reach” 20, you “reach” 30.
then, you “HIT” 40, you “HIT” 50, you “HIT” 60 ?
A: You’ll find out.
Hope you are having a great vacation, God bless you,
thanks for the good humor and fun here on IMAO.US.
I’m just in my late 30′s myself,
I’m Thirty-eight-teen.
June 5th, 2009 at 12:34 am
Thirty? THIRTY???
You’re just a baby!
Many happy returns.
June 5th, 2009 at 1:05 am
I turned thirty once.
Woke up the next day and found my thingy had fallen off.
Just wanted to give you a heads up.
June 5th, 2009 at 2:22 am
Happy birthday, Frank; I hope you get tons of ammo!
You’re older but none the wiser. And I’m 29 so I can’t exactly call you a baby.
June 5th, 2009 at 3:06 am
Hey! I was in Yellowstone on Thursday too! I probably passed Frank J. on the road and didn’t even notice. I hope he wasn’t in that little Obama-clown car that I ran off the road into that gorge…
June 5th, 2009 at 3:21 am
What’s the biggest difference when you turn 30? Well, when you turn 30 you have to be careful not to let anyone see you staring at high school cheerleaders. In your 20′s it’s still considered acceptable as long as you don’t think about touching, but once you hit 30 it becomes – to use the scientific term – icky. From that point on you have to either pretend you’re actually watching the game or pretend you’re only looking because you’re shocked and offended by their skimpy outfits.
So, congratulations on your landmark birthday pervert.
June 5th, 2009 at 5:28 am
Happy birthday, Frank.
Thanks setting up such a great site. My time here has been amusing & for that, I have you to thank.
We make fun of you from time to time, but you know we’re just roasting you.
I can say that for all the loving commentators, past and present, we really hope that your life is all it’s meant to be.
For you & Sarah.
All the best,
AlanABQ
June 5th, 2009 at 6:32 am
First rule of Wilderness Club: If you hear a noise, start shooting wildly. Rule Two: Check to see if Wifey woke up (answer is probably not). Rule Three: Palin tattoo still not a good idea at this time. Rule Four: Rule Two does not in any way imply Wifey was harmed carrying out that rule. Rule Five: Drunkenly shooting into trees at night is best way to kill the rare but deadly Ol’ Yellerstone Eyeball Eating Monkey.
June 5th, 2009 at 6:40 am
Happy Birthday! I think I was thirty once, but I am not sure…
Thank you for always making me smile, and sometimes laughing out loud. Hoping another thirty years for you, but since either monkeys or liberals will have destroyed the planet by then…
June 5th, 2009 at 7:07 am
Seminal work? Does that imply the usage of a back issue of Penthouse Magazine and a box of tissues?
June 5th, 2009 at 7:45 am
I remember the day I turned thirty. I was getting out f the shower and I stood in front of the mirror and stared at myself for a long time. I examined every inch of my body and appreciated the fact that I finally looked like a grown woman. I also assumed that this was how I was going to look for the rest of my life. The way I saw it, I was never going to age; I’d just look up one day and be old.
- Terry MacMillan
Happy Birthday, Frank!
June 5th, 2009 at 8:18 am
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAN
June 5th, 2009 at 9:21 am
Yeah, yeah yeah, happy birthday.
Enough adulation, get on with the funny.
June 5th, 2009 at 9:34 am
Happy Birthday, master!
June 5th, 2009 at 9:54 am
Happy Birthday. Punch many hippies and drink way too much beer on this happy day.
June 5th, 2009 at 10:02 am
My God, Wil Wheaton is older than you. Hahahahahahahahahahaha.
June 5th, 2009 at 11:23 am
Happy Birthday, Frank! You are exactly the same age as my Craftsman circular saw. However, my saw has worked HARD for the last 30 years and never been to Yellowstone.
BTW, you realize that you can no longer be trusted, right?
June 5th, 2009 at 11:43 am
The Legend continues. Happy B-Day Frnak!
June 5th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Sgt Relic, I’ve got you beat. My Craftsman is two years older. It’s a ’77. Still runs like it was new, just like Frank. (Me, not so much.)
June 5th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Ya know who’s cooler than the rest of us? Conservative Blacks, Conservative Women, and Conservative Younguns…because they think differently (and correctly) than the majority of their respective peers.
So for giving me “hope” for our future and a daily addiction of funny, I wish for this Conservative
BlackWomanYoungun “Frank” personality a happy milestone and many more.June 5th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
I would like to take the opportunity to commemorate this day, June 5th, the 30th anniversary of your birth:
You are a right-handed batsman. You began your cricket career playing for Carlton Cricket Club in Edinburgh. You demonstrated significant potential early on and when aged 16 won a sports scholarship to Durham School where you completed the last 2 years of your education. You returned to play for Carlton, following a stint at Greenock, in the SNCL and are also the opening batsman for the Scottish national team. You were part of the Scottish team that travelled to the West Indies for the Cricket World Cup in 2007. You played in two of their group games but had to pull out of their final game at the last minute due to a groin strain on the morning of the match.
You were educated at South Morningside Primary, Boroughmuir High School, Durham School and then Loughborough University.
As a batsman, you are renowned for your flowing locks and cover drives. Formerly a seam bowler, you once removed Dan Marsh twice during a six wicket haul against Leicestershire CCC whilst playing for Loughborough University; however you has since failed to get a bowl for any of your club sides in Scotland.
You were voted 24th most eligible bachelor in Scotland in a Scotland on Sunday special feature in 2006.
Oh, wait, that was Scottish cricketer Fraser Watts. Well, I’m sure you have done some stuff too. Happy Birthday!
June 5th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
Why did no one tell me of this? Now I need to appoint a birthday Czar!
June 5th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
Happy Birthday, Frank!
My thirtieth birthday was better than yours – because Ronald Reagan was President!
June 5th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
Enjoy yourself before Obam…uhhh… enacts his new healthcare system – codename “Logan’s Run”.
June 5th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
Feliz Cumpleanos, Happy 93rd Trimester, Happy Made-It-To-30 Day, Happy Your Mom Didn’t Abort You Day, Happy Bun Popped Out Of The Oven Day, Happy 1/3 Of Your Life Is Over Day, Happy Nuke The Moon Day (Go ahead, it’s your 30th birthday, and it’s more manly than Twittering)
June 5th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
My first child was born in 1990, when I was 30. Be careful out in them woods. Just sayin’ is all….
June 5th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
Come on, Mikee. We need some Mini J’s running around!
And I already wished you happy birthday on post 11, Frank, so I’m not saying it again.
June 5th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
Thirty? I got boots older than that! May your thirties be a great as mine. Just avoid redheads … unless you have clear routes to windows and doors.
June 5th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
If you’re a physiscist, you’re ten years past due.
June 5th, 2009 at 6:53 pm
Happy Belated Birthday Frank ! And please bring us back some moose momentos, moose foibles, moose marvels, moose mavericks and all moose related birthday memorabilia. Some of us have not yet been to that Park and want to hear about it.
June 5th, 2009 at 8:52 pm
Franks Birthday was June 4.
June 5th, 2009 at 9:39 pm
Happy birthday Frank. In your 20′s you work to establish your self. Your 30′s is where you get to enjoy life, or so I’m told. Don’t ask me. It’s been 9 months since I turned 30 and in that time the country has turned into a damn socialist paradise, The republicans think they need to be even more liberal, and The Wolverine movie turned out to be the worst comic to movie ever! So if you ask me, 30 SUCKS!!! I hope it goes better for you.
June 6th, 2009 at 2:38 am
BigRichardSmall, you forgot to mention that Adam didn’t win American Idol…that sucked too
June 6th, 2009 at 9:30 am
I am too old to remember when I was thirty. Happy Birthday, Frank. Keep up the great work!
June 6th, 2009 at 11:22 am
Happy Birthday Frank. Call your mom and thank her. She gave birth to you and didn’t kill you growing up………….let me tell you that’s something to be thankful for (cause if it were up to moms a lot of people would be singing with the choir invisible)
June 6th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
Top thirty reasons to be happy to reach age 30:
30 – You can never remember the other twenty nine reasons to be happy. (Cuz you’re OLD).
Most reasons to be dispirited, unhappy and broken involve sex, bathroom performance or monkeys. Sometimes all three at once. Please don’t blog about those, although twitter is still a valid place to discuss all old age maladies, asking what snuggie goes with wing tips or if a wood chipper is good cure for hemorrhoids.
Live long and prosper Frank.
June 6th, 2009 at 11:02 pm
Happy belated birthday, Frank. You are 49 years and one day younger than my Mom. Except for the bionic knees, she’s still pretty spry, so just think what you have to look forward to!
June 7th, 2009 at 11:54 am
Happy Turdieth B-Day…. Good health & happiness to you and yours.
June 8th, 2009 at 11:45 pm
Sa-Lute!