Archive for July, 2009

Crowder in Search of Stimulus Money

Friday, July 31, 2009 7:47 pm

Crowder is back, and this time he’s looking for all that stimulus money.

I don’t know why he’s having so much trouble finding it. I just got my stimulus check in the mail yesterday: $40,000 to promote new media. BTW, I now really like Obama and all the previous posts about him have been removed because they just seemed unfair to him.

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The Bros Will Be Tazed

Friday, July 31, 2009 2:01 pm

Dude! Taze three people at once! Me want!

I know, you’re saying, “When would you want to taze three people at once?”

Ever been to a college campus? I went to college (I’m very smart), and every day I was like, “I wish I could taze multiple people at once.” Nothing like seeing hippies lying on the ground, involuntarily convulsing. Of course, they do that a lot themselves with the ODing.

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Top Ten Things Overheard at the Beer Summit

Friday, July 31, 2009 12:04 pm

TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE BEER SUMMIT

10. “Can I tell you guys a secret? I have no idea what Cap & Trade is.”

9. “Why the non-alcoholic beer, Joe? If you get a little drunk, do you get reserved and coherent?”

8. “Quiet! Don’t say that with the cops around!”

7. “I have to confess, I’m a little prejudiced against blacks myself. Every time Malia and Sasha hug me, I check my wallet.”

6. “To help with racial justice, I have the Secret Service randomly beat up white people. Sorry, Joe.”

5. “I love you guys! …Except you two, because you’re white.”

4. “You took an economics class in college, Jim? Holy crap! You have to tell me what the hell is happening!”

3. “No, that’s also a racial slur, Joe.”

2. “How dead from alcohol poisoning would you be if you tried to drink until Pelosi looked doable.”

And the number one thing overheard at the Beer Summit…

(more…)

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Random Thoughts

Friday, July 31, 2009 10:01 am

PJM commenters are being mean to me. One of them called me a disgrace to journalism. I didn’t even know I did journalism!

Am I a journalist? What makes someone a journalist? Could I be one and not know? What if my wife finds out?

When you upset people, that just means you’re getting close to the truth. Or you’re asshole. Sometimes both.

You get the Medal of Freedom for making up stuff about black holes now? I won’t believe any of it until someone throws a rock at one.

I know Obama’s birth certificate is real because I saw it the other day and replaced on it his actual middle name with “Shrimpy.”

If we can get health insurance after getting sick, can we get life insurance for people after they die?

The cats are scared of me. They just can’t deal with how awesome I am.

I can be accepting of other religions. My dog is not a Christian, and I accept her

“Teachable Moment” would be a good name for a gun

I, for one, am offended that president is actually going to let some filthy potato-lickers into the White House.

Obama is legally a natural born US citizen just as much as Bush legally won the 2000 election.

At what point can we declare the beer summit the dumbest thing an American president has ever done ever

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Obama Buys TV Sets From Woman Sick of Seeing Obama on TV

Friday, July 31, 2009 9:34 am

WASHINGTON (AP) – President Barack Obama announced that he would buy two TV sets from a 78-year-old Iowa woman who is selling them because she “just got tired of watching him on every channel”.

“Me is so awesome!”

Deloris Nissen, a retired nurses’ aide, said she could live with seeing Obama come on television to make serious announcements, but he seems to be on all the time. When the president does appear on a channel she happens to be watching, Nissen said, she quickly changes channels.

“I have the remote real handy,” Nissen said. “I have the batteries. I’m ready for him.”

Although pleased at the chance to stimulate the economy by buying the televisions, President Obama expressed confusion at Nissen’s stated reason for selling.

“How could anyone be tired of seeing me on TV?” said Obama, “I know I’m not. I can’t get enough of me. In fact, right now, I’m headed off to the Mirror Room so that I can see me everywhere I look. By the way, can you hook that camera into that monitor over there? I want to see me doing this interview.”

Obama said the televisions are exactly what he needs to complete the “Walk of Me”, his name for the series of TV’s that stretches from one end of the White House to the other.

“My goal is to eventually be able to see my glorious visage beaming from a screen no matter where I am,” said the President. “Right now, I could really use one outside the window of the Oval Office. Every once in a while I have to do a photo-op where I’m gazing thoughtfully out the window, and those few minutes when I can’t see a clip of me running on CNN or MSNBC are pure agony. It’s moments like those that make me wonder why I ever took this job.”

“I also still need one in the Bill Clinton Memorial Intern Closet,” Obama added, “just in case I ever stop feeling too skeeved out to actually go in there.”

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In Which We Observe Liberal Congratulating Themselves on Being Smirt

Thursday, July 30, 2009 1:30 pm

I like being mentioned. People should mention me because I’m important and smart. Anyway, I got mentioned in this Daily Kos diary for the recent “emperor has no brain” column in Pajamas Media. Basically, the thesis of the diary is “Conservatives don’t like smirt people or da twoof, but we are smirt and like da twoof.” It’s a very dense and mindless characterization of conservatives so they can all have their two-minutes of hate against people who kick puppies and curse the sunshine just because. I mean, I use mindless invective, but as a joke. But look at this guy: He points out that conservatives made fun of Obama’s slogans of “hope” and “change” and says, “They never say what’s WRONG with the concepts of ‘hope’ or ‘change.'”

Yeah. That’s it, genius. We all thought Obama really was going to bring hope and change but we don’t like hope or change. Hope and change makes us stomp our feet and gnash our teeth!

THIS IS A RECOMMENDED KOS DIARY! People read actually this and go, “Me like. This guy smirt. Others should read and be smirt.” This is what goes for critical analysis on the Daily Kos.

And what was the point he took away from my column making fun of the concept of Obama being smart? That conservatives hate smart people. That we all think liberals are really really smirt and we don’t like being smirt.

And who does this guy hold up as a smart person?

KEITH OLBERMANN.

How twisted does your thought process have to be to think pretentiousness = smart? The thing is, there is nothing more important to liberals than thinking they are smart. And they have it in their heads that what smart people do is nothing more than go around all day making sure everybody knows they’re smart. That’s why within the liberal community you have these extremely mediocre minds like Al Gore being hailed as brilliant.

How do you get this stupid? You have to work hard at it. You have to wake up everyday and carefully consider what you will listen to and what you will have to stare at with an expression of blank incomprehension to remain this dense. And then you need to go on the Daily Kos and write misconceptions about those who disagree with you politically while complaining about how everyone else lives in an echo chamber. We wish we had an echo chamber, but we are inundated with liberals moron ideas eveywhere — movies, TV, music, news broadcasts. Unlike liberals, we can actually deal with hearing other views. The views aren’t completely foreign to us because we were children and thought like that. But liberals freak out when they hear the other viewpoints because their tiny little minds can’t understand them so they come up with things like labeling everyone who went to a Tea Party as racists. Things simple minds can grab on to.

It’s almost scary to see people this willfully stupid and this angry, but I just remind myself these are all very useless people and impotent screaming is about all they’ll ever do. And expect the infant cries to increase. Some thought Obama winning would make the left less hateful, but all this did was give them the false idea that people actually liked their views and then just crushed their hopes. Obama was elected because people personally liked him and the economy was doing horribly; he was not elected because people actually like liberal policies as he is quickly finding out (and would have already know were he actually smart and not just pretentious).

America still thinks liberals are useless morons, and liberals are going to only become angrier as they come to that realization. And they are going to continue to be angry until everyone realizes how smart they are… which simply is not going to happen in this universe.

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Random Thoughts

Thursday, July 30, 2009 10:21 am

One of the head birthers is named “Orly“? Not to be a conspiracy theorist, but I have to see the birth certificate to believe that.

The Democrats still suck way too much to ever motivate the Republicans to be any good.

Tip to American Public: If you hate liberal policy ideas, stop voting for Democrats. It confuses them.

I bet Obama would be a lot more popular if he went back to saying positive slogans and not actually doing anything.

If the Grinch stole Kwanzaa, how many years would it be until someone noticed?

I don’t like my race being referred to as “white” or “Caucasian”. My preferred term is “pale face”.

Can’t wait until I turn 70 and retire and get to play videogames all day! Only forty more years!

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A Few Issues to Think About in Regards to Obama’s Birth Certificate

Thursday, July 30, 2009 9:21 am

New column up at Pajamas Media (two Frank J. columns in one week? It’s like super-Christmas!). So far reaction is not super-positive. That happens when you get near the truth.

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Overheard on the Golf Course With Obama

Thursday, July 30, 2009 9:04 am

In the last 10 weeks, Obama’s been golfing 10 times. During these times, there’s a press blackout, so no one can take pictures of him smoking (seriously, WHY are there no pictures of this man with a lit cigarette? If we can put a man on the moon, this should be a cakewalk). You just gotta wonder what gets said on the links.

I speculate thusly:


“Caddy? No, he’s my ‘Club Czar’.”

* “Can’t find the ball? Let Biden look for it. There’s no such thing as an ‘undisclosed location‘ when Joe’s around.”

* “FO!… Sorry, glare on the teleprompter… FORE!”

* “Keep that stroke off the scorecard and there’s a juicy bailout in it for you.”

* “Why wouldn’t I use the ladies’ tee? Ever seen me throw a baseball?”

* “What a slice! Don’t even bother looking for that ball, boys… they’ll find my birth certificate before you find that thing.”

* “Oops… I think I broke a window with that shot. Or was it a door?

* “Would you PLEASE tell Napolitano to stop refering to my score as a ‘man caused disaster‘?”

* “I just blew a 2-inch putt… now THAT was like the Special Olympics or something.”

* “Back nine? No way. That Brazilian chick’s back was a SOLID ten!”

* “My handicap? She’s out shopping for another $6000 handbag.”


Did YOU overhear anything?

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RiffTrax Sampler

Wednesday, July 29, 2009 10:55 pm

Here’s a good selection of clips from RiffTrax. Everyone who doesn’t suck loves RiffTrax.

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No Need to Worry About the Robots

Wednesday, July 29, 2009 7:41 pm

Earlier today in reaction to the robot attack in Sweden I gave tips on surviving robot attacks, but it ends up they weren’t needed. Just listen to what Fred Thompson says in response to the last question on the Lightning Round from today’s Fred Thompson Show:

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Proof That Obama is a Racist

Wednesday, July 29, 2009 4:11 pm

Some people are angry that Glenn Beck called Obama a racist.

I’m not.

Because it’s true.

You see, it turns out that Officer Crowley and Professor Gates are both Irish.

And Obama is inviting them to the White House for a beer.

Which just perpetuates the stereotype of Irishmen as brawling drunkards.

Which may be true, but it’s still offensive.

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How to Be Safe Against Robots

Wednesday, July 29, 2009 1:57 pm

Robots are attacking people in Sweden. Don’t be alarmed, though — which is hard since robots are attacking people — as there are some basic techniques for surviving robot attacks.

TIPS FOR SURVIVING ROBOT ATTACKS

* Stop drop and roll. It’s highly illogical, so robots won’t know what to do.

* Play dead. This is a bad technique for avoiding one of the corpse-eating robots the military is working on, though.

* Remember that robots are more afraid of you than you are of them. Or at least they would be if they were capable of fear.

* Never accept candy from a strange robot. Vending machines may not count for this.

* Try talking in a language they can understand. Instead of saying, “Don’t kill me!” say, “Set HumanKill.Enabled to false.”

* See if you can get it distracted fighting ninjas or pirates. It should lose.

The ultimate tip, though, is to just run up some stairs. They’re not very good at those.

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Where Obama Went Wrong

Wednesday, July 29, 2009 11:41 am

Maybe it’s a little early to do a post-mortem on Obama, but his popularity is sinking and the prospects of him passing any more big legislation are looking dim. So where did Obama go wrong?

WHERE OBAMA WENT WRONG

* You tried to destroy too much of the country too quickly. The economy, foreign affairs, the automobile industry, energy, health care — that’s far too much to destroy in one’s first couple months in office without getting people suspicious. You have four years to render America unlivable so spread it out.

* When unemployment figures were announced, you always appeared in the background stroking a cat and laughing manically. That gave people the idea you didn’t share their pain.

* You kept pronouncing “economy” as “eco-money” which gave people the impression that maybe you didn’t really understand the concept.

* You let Biden keep speaking instead of locking him in an undisclosed location and killing the only person the location was disclosed to.

* When asked what’s the biggest problem America faced, you probably should have given a better answer than, “Too many white people.”

* You had far too many press conferences. And in too many of them you inexplicably had a bucket stuck on your head.

* When foreign dictators told you about what they hated about America, you kept suggesting other things saying, “Don’t you hate that too? I hate that.”

* You really have to scream at cops less. And stop calling them honkeys.

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The Worst Reason To Have Socialized Medicine

Wednesday, July 29, 2009 9:45 am

The only problem with the health care in America is that it costs too much.

The only problem with considering this to be a legitimate complaint is – name something that people DON’T want to pay less for.

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Random Thoughts

Wednesday, July 29, 2009 9:11 am

If Jesus is the son of God, why has He never produced his long-form birth certificate as proof?

I guess it’s a cultural thing being horrified by someone torturing dogs, but I’m okay with being imperialist about my culture.

Obama could settle things by appointing a birth certificate czar.

Know who would be a great political commentator for MSNBC? Dane Cook.

I lost my birth certificate and asked CA for a new one. When I presented that, no believed it and they deported me to Kenya.

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lolbama! Part 19

Wednesday, July 29, 2009 2:09 am

This week, That One. Next week, terrorists. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ‘em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.


From Brian:

[reference link]

From Ron Rockstar:

From Velvet Elvis

From Veeshir

Also from Veeshir:


My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From Biffkuo:

From DBrit:

Also from DBrit:

From dneff:

From GeorgeGuy of The Prophet of Neofederalism:

[reference link]

Also from GeorgeGuy of The Prophet of Neofederalism:

[Exodus 20:17]

From Greg W:

From Jared:

[reference link]

From NunyaB:

From Peregrine John:

[True: age of consent in France is 15, she's 16]


This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:

PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolbama! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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When Galaxies Collide

Tuesday, July 28, 2009 4:06 pm

…we are doomed!

Did you know the Andromeda Galaxy is predicted to collide with our galaxy in 2.5 billion years? No one told me this! That has to be disastrous! All the stars and other bodies will be thrown out of their regular obits! What the hell are we going to do?

I always thought we had 5 billion years to get off this planet before our sun dies. That hardly seems worthy of rushing. But instead we have 2.5 billions years to get out of this galaxy. Intergalactic travel? How can we manage that? And most of the nearest galaxies are satellites of the Milky Way or Andromeda. I assume they’re not safe either. We need a plan to get millions of light years away from here. And we need one yesterday.

Where the hell is the space program?!

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Gravity: No Way a Bowling Ball and a Feather Fall with the Same Acceleration (In a Vacuum)

Tuesday, July 28, 2009 2:03 pm

If you drop a bowling ball and a tennis ball from the same height, which hits the ground first? The idea of the question is you’d assume the heavier object would fall faster, but as I was taught as a kid, they both hit at the same time. But now I’m thinking that doesn’t make any sense.

If I remember correctly, the two main variables affecting gravity are mass and distance. Since we’re holding distance constant with the bowling ball and the tennis ball, that means I’m supposed to believe that two objects with different masses have the same acceleration? Well, what would hit first: A bowling ball dropped from one meter on Earth or a bowling ball dropped from one meter on Mars? The bowling ball on earth obviously, as the increased mass of Earth versus Mars results in increased acceleration. Because mass matters.

It seems to me the fallacy of saying the bowling ball and the tennis ball fall at the same speed is thinking the mass of the Earth is so great compared to the two balls that you can discount their mass. But, scientifically, that can’t be true. The bowling ball being more massive is going to pull back on the earth more than the tennis ball and thus accelerate faster (or would the tug slow it down in any way?). It won’t be discernible to the human eye, but the bowling ball’s fall at least won’t be gravitationally the same as the tennis ball’s.

So, to whomever taught me objects all fall towards earth at the same rate regardless of mass, I am now formally calling shenanigans. That’s either wrong or requires much more of an explanation.

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Obama the Foreigner

Tuesday, July 28, 2009 12:08 pm

There has been a lot of focus lately on allegations that the president was not born in America. I mean, just look at his name; does that sound like the name of someone born in America? Still, the House passed a resolution yesterday 378 to 0 saying Obama was born in Hawaii (and that’s considered America?) and officials in Hawaii have come out again saying they have seen his original birth certificate (though I’m not sure we should trust Hawaiians).

Of course, IMAO a while ago found Obama’s real birth certificate, and he is quite obviously not eligible to be president. In fact, he’s probably more ineligible than the average person who isn’t eligible. Still, I plan to let this go. It would seem kinda wienery of us to make a big deal out of this when we did steal the last two elections.

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