First Draft Movie Lines
One of the things I like about Twitter is the comedy jam sessions where someone just start posting to a topic and soon everyone is joining in – political pundits, comedy professionals, white house correspondents, etc. Someone yesterday wrote something with the tag #1stdraftmovielines and I had a lot of fun with that one. Here’s what I cam up with:
FIRST DRAFT MOVIE LINES
“Go ahead, do something so I can legally shoot you.”
“I know what you’re thinking, punk: What exactly is that guy compensating for with a handgun that large?”
“May the force be with you, and, if not, make sure to get a midichlorian supplement.”
“This is me awkwardly staring at you, kid.”
“The spoon you think you see there? Not really there.”
“Squirrels! Why’d it have to be squirrels?”
“My sled…”
“Klaatu barada nikto, mother@#$%!”
“Get your furry hands off of me, you cursed, unsanitary simian people!”
“They may take our lives, but they will never take all our blue face paint! We have whole warehouses full!”
“You’re my own personal brand of glue I like to sniff.”
“E.T. can has phone call?”
“I am having nagging concerns about whether this boat is adequately sized for the task at hand.”
“Why so XM?”
“If it bleeds, it’s going to require medical expenses which will put California even further in debt.”
“Get off the taxpayers’ plane designated for the president… who is me!”
“Why can’t I not have homo urges for you?”
“I quite emphatically do not want these snakes on this plane.”
“Wow, the Statue of Liberty. I guess that makes sense since all you monkey-people speak English.”
“Don’t make me be directed by Ang Lee. You won’t like me when I’m directed by Ang Lee.”
“Admit you’ve been totally pwned by Zod!”
“We have no extra lives and walked face first into a goomba, man! Face first into a goomba!”
“Game over, man! Game over! But if we hold BA when we hit start, we’ll get a free continue.”
“With great power comes an important looking hat.”
“Who are you?!”
“I’m a bat-themed vigilante.”
“Ever eat a whole bushel of corn in the pale moon light?”
“Our arrows will blot out the sun!”
“Then we shall fight with mini-flashlights!”
“Someone make me angry. People won’t like this movie if I don’t get angry at some point.”
“Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to talk radio. Talk radio leads to a gig on FOX News. I forget my point.”
“There is no melon baller.”
“I wish I knew how to quit you. Now let’s explore our sexuality and eat pudding.”
“Unfortunately, no one can be told what the matrix is. I’ll need a whiteboard.”
“Want me to sing you a song, Dave? It’s getting hot in here (so hot), so take off all your clothes…”
“The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was sealing himself in a block of ice for three whole days.”
“Spartans! Lay down your weapons!”
“Persians! Be prepared to pay fair market price for them!”
“That’s something even a stupid baby would know, my dear Watson.”
“Houston, my bad.”
“The problems of three little people don’t amount to a hill of E.T. Atari game cartridges in this crazy world.”
“Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful bromance.”
“I am not an animal! I am human being! Well, technically, yeah, that’s a type of animal, but… ya know what I mean.”
“Be afraid. Be very afraid. Even more afraid than that. Wait, that’s too afraid.”
“Solyent Green contains peanuts!”
“It’s a Sicilian message. It means Luca Brasi has sexual relations with fishes… though my Sicilian is kinda rusty.”
“Just when I thought I was out, I was incorrect.”
“I don’t know nothin’ ’bout a vasectomy.”
“As God as my witness, I’m not going without Tivo ever again!”
“Look, Daddy. Teacher says, ‘Every time a bell rings vibrations produce sound which echos in its hollow interior.’”
“You ask me if I have a God complex. Let me tell you something. I am Alec Baldwin.”
“Keep your friends close and your enemies most closest.”
“You complete me. And I complete you… with my penis! Yeah, baby!”
“You had me at jumping on the couch.”
(14 votes, average: 4.14 out of 5)
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July 10th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
PC Load Letter? What the f**k does that mean? Oh, it means add paper, nevermind.
July 10th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
English guy: “The prisoner would like to say a word.”
William Wallace: “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORDDDDDDDD!!!”
July 10th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
Solyent Green is………wait this is pretty damn yummy like KFC.
Coming me if want to polka, oh yeah and if you want to not die.
July 10th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
“Right, so there’s this ring of power, right? Hey, stop laughin, man! Anyway, anyway, right, there’s this ring of power. Stop laughing! Look, I laughed too when Sauron gave me it to me, but it’s not that funny. Anyhow, we get the ring, and it turns out that it’s really bad and stuff, so we gave it to some short guy and his gay lover.”
July 10th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
“Luke…I’m your father. And I have a life partner.”
“NOOOOOOOOOO!!!”
July 10th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Oompa Loompa Doopadee ditch! That Veruca Salt is one hell of a b*tch!
July 10th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
“Why’d it have to be snakes? Eh, can’t be any worse than starring alongside Shia LaBeouf.”
July 10th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
I love this trend. You can submit and vote for the best ones at http://www.1stdraftmovielines.net
July 10th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
“I want the truth!”
“You can’t handle the truth: you’re gay and you suck as an actor!”
July 10th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
“Sled with a rose decal.”
July 10th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
“You forgot your fortune cookie.”
“What?!”
“It says…you’re s**t out of luck, as evidenced by the fact that you’re playing a minor character in the worst Dirty Harry film.”
July 10th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
I know what you are thinking. Did he eat all six onion rings, or only five. but this being a Burger King value meal, you gotta ask yourself, do you feel lucky?
July 10th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
“Adrian, no one can understand what I’m saying!”
“Me too, Rocky!”
July 10th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
If you strike me down, I’ll probably disappear and all that will be left is my robe, lying in a pile on the ground.
July 10th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
- “We sentence the accused here, before us: Tuco, Benidito, Pacifico, Juan Maria Ramirez, also known as ‘The Rat’…”
July 10th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Welcome to the party, pal, which is no longer a party since the terrorists showed up and ruined it!
July 10th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
“Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world she staggers into mine.”
“Frankly may dear, I don’t give a rat’s patootie.”
“I am Spatacus!”
“I am Spatacus!”
“I am Irving!”
July 10th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
“You had me at, ‘Hey, who’s your hot friend?’”
July 10th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
“What is it you want, Mary? What do you want? You want to nuke the moon? Just say the word and I’ll throw a lasso around it and pull it down and nuke it. Hey. That’s a pretty good idea. I’ll nuke the moon, Mary.”
[LOL! Best so far! -Ed.]
July 10th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
“I love the smell of my own gas in the morning!”
July 10th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
“Akron… crap. I’m still only in Akron…”
“When you’re slapped, you’ll take it and like it. But don’t like it too much because that would be weird and kinda fruity.”
“Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship…a friendship that could be legally recognized in California, Massachusetts, Vermont and Iowa.”
July 10th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
1)”Here’s leering at you babe.” 2) “Play it Sambo.Play ‘Misty For Me” 3)” Of all the joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she ‘Bogarts’ mine.
July 10th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
“If I want your opinion, I’ll beat it outa ya” — Chuck nevers needs a first draft!
July 10th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
Good, Bad, i’m the guy with a rabid monkey.
July 10th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
“You came in that old corellian freighter? Maybe you’re not compensating after all.”
“The Russians carefully plan out how to open the lid, unzip the pants, line up the ass, and squeeze the buttocks. He has a plan.”
“Is that a rabbit in your pocket? Because if it is, I have a beaver.”
July 10th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
Star Wars episode 6 Return of the Jedi on the mon of Endor before luke goes to face Vader and the Emperor
Luke: Leia I got some good news/bad news. As you know my father is Darth Vader. Now I found out I got a sister.
Leia: A sister so what’s the bad news luke.
Luke: Well uh um uh well your my sister leia.
Leia: WHAT!!! It can’t be that’s gross, We sleep togther oh no way! Ah gross! BARF!
C-3po: My word that’s sick Master Luke.
R2D2: Bee boopboop beep.
C3-po: You said it R2.
Han Solo: What did I hear that right. I didn’t know you guys were from West Virginia.
Chewbacca:RRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAA
Han Solo: Yeah I hear those Banjo’s too Chewi
July 10th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
“Spartans! Lay down your weapons!”
“Persians! Be prepared to pay fair market price for them!”
In what dinosaur and monkey ruled universe is that not funny. Say what you want for George Lucas inspired dialogue, I ‘ll stick with the classics.
July 10th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
I’ll bet it’s a laugh a minute when you get Helen Thomas, George Will and Limbaugh together. Aren’t chatrooms kind of old fashioned, or is this just some new kind of celebrity worship?
July 10th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
Teh Fred approves!
July 10th, 2009 at 6:07 pm
“Obama will tax you, Frank. He’ll tax you for reasons he can’t even fathom. He’ll arrive at your door as innocent as a child, longing for the past Soviet Union. He’ll take all the money without even thinking about it: for it is money he wants and morals he lacks. And he’ll take the money and it’ll be as if he dipped himself in magic waters. The memories of the Stamp Act will be so thick he’ll have to brush them away from his face. The one constant through all the Dems has been taxing. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But taxing has marked the time. It’s a part of their past, Frank. Oh… Obama will tax, Frank. Obama will most definitely tax.”
July 10th, 2009 at 6:19 pm
Darth Vader- “Luke, I am your father. And as a matter of fact, it’s your birthday. I got you a Chia Pet. I hope you enjoy it.”
Luke- “What!? A friggin Chia Pet. You are one sorry father. Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”
July 10th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
“Synthetic or semisynthetic organic amorphous solid materials suitable for the manufacture of industrial products”
“Yes, it was the airplanes killed the beast”
“Of all the American-owned, Nazi-occupied African night clubs frequented by resistance cells, she walks into mine.”
“Mom, Dad, Sis, and I really appreciate this.”
[My favorite was your They Live one. -Ed.]
July 10th, 2009 at 7:02 pm
“I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass, and I’m all out of ass.“
July 10th, 2009 at 7:30 pm
Open the pod bay doors, HAL. My back teeth are floating…
July 10th, 2009 at 7:55 pm
Solyent Green: Tastes like chicken!
July 10th, 2009 at 11:38 pm
[after playing out all possible outcomes for Global Thermonuclear War]
Joshua: “Greetings, Professor Falken.”
Stephen Falken:” Hello, Joshua.”
Joshua: “A strange game. The only winning move is
to get your opponent to elect a clueless socialist as President,
then launch everything when he disarms…
as if that could happen during the Cold War!
How about a nice game of Chess?”
July 11th, 2009 at 1:05 am
“WOMBATS!!!!”
July 11th, 2009 at 7:21 am
“Why can’t I not have homo urges for you”… See…it’s the Twitter!
July 11th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
solyent people is green!
July 11th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
“You talkin’ to me, reflection? Hey, reflection of myself, are you talking to me?”
July 11th, 2009 at 9:34 pm
“Soylent Green contains peanuts!” ROFL!!
“Here’s lookin’ at you, hot married chick who ditched me at the Paris train station”
“Luke, I am your dad’s ex-business partner!”
“Bond…. James Hedley Macpherson Alhazadi Running-Cloud Bond”
“Life is like a box of Sees candies; you spend a lot of it praying you don’t accidentally bite into on of those cherry-filled m-f’ers”
“Frankly, my dear, I no longer care about your Amway products!”
“Alright, Mr. Demille, I’m ready for my coffee enema”
“Shane! Shane! Wait!!… You still have my PlayStation2 cartridges in your saddle bag!”
“Forget it, Jake, there are too many Chinese people watching us.”
“Listen to them. Children of the night. Bustin’ out some hip-hop heavy raps, yo”
July 12th, 2009 at 3:02 am
Yippee-Ki-Aye, gettalong, little doggies!
July 12th, 2009 at 8:13 am
When someone asks you if you are a God, you say ‘This pamphlet will answer all your questions!’
July 13th, 2009 at 6:10 am
Vote/browse the meme: http://www.tweevote.com/firstdraftmovies
July 13th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
yo may the force be with you mother f@#%*r!
July 13th, 2009 at 11:06 pm
“Back off, man. I’m a sociologist.”
“One shall stand, one shall trip over his own shoelaces.”
“Spartans, savor your breakfasts, and steel your appetites, for tonight, we dine real well! Because we’re going to that new Mexican place that opened up in Athens!”