How to Be Safe Against Robots
Robots are attacking people in Sweden. Don’t be alarmed, though — which is hard since robots are attacking people — as there are some basic techniques for surviving robot attacks.
TIPS FOR SURVIVING ROBOT ATTACKS
* Stop drop and roll. It’s highly illogical, so robots won’t know what to do.
* Play dead. This is a bad technique for avoiding one of the corpse-eating robots the military is working on, though.
* Remember that robots are more afraid of you than you are of them. Or at least they would be if they were capable of fear.
* Never accept candy from a strange robot. Vending machines may not count for this.
* Try talking in a language they can understand. Instead of saying, “Don’t kill me!” say, “Set HumanKill.Enabled to false.”
* See if you can get it distracted fighting ninjas or pirates. It should lose.
The ultimate tip, though, is to just run up some stairs. They’re not very good at those.
Send to Kindle
(14 votes, average: 4.86 out of 5)
July 29th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
Must have been a Haliburton “Rumsfield Strangler” terrorist-killer robot. Or Cybermen seeking more brains.
July 29th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
Alternatively, you could mess with their logic circuits.
Like, I’ll say, “FrnakJ always lies”
And you’ll say, “I’m lying”.
Geez, for a geek you sure don’t know much about Star Trek.
July 29th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
So ven the robots attack, you should vun up the stairs dontchya know. yah shure yah, vun upt de stares. dem robots don’t like stares dontchyaya know.
FTFY.
Can ve send alfranken to Sveden? maybe he can control de robots.
July 29th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
A røbøt ønce bit my sister…
July 29th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
Wouldn’t it be faster to call the HumanKill.Disable method instead of setting the enabled property?
July 29th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
* Carry a monkey with you everywhere you go.
July 29th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
Hide their oilcan and them trick them into chasing you through the woods in the rain.
July 29th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
Still thinkin’ my SuperSoaker full of LocTite is gonna come in handy.
July 29th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
But Cjtony97, if you carry a monkey, don’t you risk having your eyeballs eaten?
July 29th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
So is it my sock-puppet that put my comment at 2:10 into moderation, or my mocking of you?
July 29th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
Plentyobailouts – Well, you gotta weigh the pros and cons. A robot could rip your arms off. Then you couldn’t shield your eyes anyway, if you happened upon a monkey.
July 29th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
Tell the robot that, in this economy, the only work a robot can find is work as Obama’s teleprompter.
In all probability, the robot will then politely ask if you will help it commit seppuku.
July 29th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
France surrenders
July 29th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
“How to Be Safe Against Robots”
Guns lots of guns….oh and ammo lots of ammo, and a really big magnet.
July 29th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
The first officer on the scene said the robot was being uncooperative and was making statements such as “I’ll push your mama’s ‘off’ button!”
July 29th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
Duck and cover, preferably under a desk…hey if it can protect you against nukes, it can protect you against robots.
July 29th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
Still haven’t freed my 2:10 comment?
Harcourt Fenton Mudd is not amused.
July 29th, 2009 at 4:24 pm
1) If in Detroit, call 911 and request Officer Murphy. 2) Perfect your ‘Robot’ dance moves and the Robot will seek to replicate with you. 3) Always have your can of Fred Thompson’s ‘Original’ Whupass with you. 4) Hold a geek hostage in front of you. 5) Concealed carry of E.M.P. weapons are highly recommended
July 29th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
#4 Marko Mancuso:
No really! Mind you, robot bites can be pretty nasti.
July 29th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
…but only when karving your initials on the robot with an interstellar toothbrush
July 29th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
Clearly this was a Cheney Assasination robot attacking him for being a foriegner.
July 29th, 2009 at 5:24 pm
Robot Wedgies! Works every time! It has to be a nuclear wedgie, however! The one where you pull his shorts up over his head and hook on his chin! Then he can’t see you and you are home free, ma boy!!!
July 29th, 2009 at 6:53 pm
With regrets, by posting this list you’ve violated Robot’s Rules of Order and will be asked to leave the future immediately!
July 29th, 2009 at 7:41 pm
[...] today in reaction to the robot attack in Sweden I gave tips on surviving robot attacks, but it ends up they weren’t needed. Just listen to what Fred Thompson says in response to [...]
July 29th, 2009 at 8:14 pm
HOW TO BE SAFE AGAINST ROBOTS— Steel core incendiary rounds.
July 29th, 2009 at 8:45 pm
Attempt to contain the robot with diplomacy and sanctions.
July 29th, 2009 at 8:51 pm
Learn to say Fred Thomson is my friend in binary, that will scare the silicone chip out of any robot
July 29th, 2009 at 9:13 pm
I don’t know about those vending machine robots. Why, just the other day, I was at a break room, and the vending machine had eaten a kid upto his shoulder. I think it was related to those fish that have a lure on top of their heads. The machine was showing all those goodies and the stupid kid reached up in there to grab a few. btw, I never saw that kid again. I wonder if it was a flesh-eating vending machine.
July 29th, 2009 at 10:39 pm
Get any CD of Window Vista and Scratch off the Label. Re-Label it Cool New Robot Software. When the Robot walks up, stand with the CD behind your back and whistle. When the robot asks what you are doing, look suspicious and say…nothing… When the robot demands the CD, give it to him. He will install the Cool New Robot Software and spend the rest of his short life on the phone with Microsoft Tech Support. He will then shoot himself in the head!!! Problem solved!!!
July 29th, 2009 at 10:50 pm
Get Old Glory Insurance.
When they get their metal claws around you, there’s no escape. Because they’re made of metal. And robots are strong.
July 30th, 2009 at 9:33 am
How to Be Safe Against Robots
Always keep FrankJ between you and a robot.