Nobody tell Frank J. about the monkeys using their minds to control robots

Posted on July 14, 2009 9:59 pm

Sky News reports that, at the University of Pittsburgh, a monkey fitted with a hi-tech brain chip has learned to move a complex robotic arm using mind control.

You read that right.

Monkeys controlling robots with their minds.

One science guy, who wears a lab coat, says it’s all for the public good:

Neurobiologist Dr Andy Schwartz said: “What we’re trying to do is go to a very dextrous hand – where the functionality is very similar to the human hand. If we could help stroke patients there would be a huge market for this kind of device.”

I’m not sure, but I think the guy that’s the mad scientist behind this is a nice guy. But letting monkeys control robots?

Don’t let Frank J. find out. He’s got a lot on his mind right now, what with writing all teh funneh, making up lies about the president (but true lies, not those awful false lies), and planning the birthday of someone who is very special to him (and the rest of us, too).

That’s a lot of pressure. He doesn’t need any more. Especially since he has to find the perfect birthday present for his wife. All married men know that if you don’t find the perfect gift, you might as well just dig a hole, crawl in, and cover yourself up. Your life is over if you screw up the wife’s birthday present.

So, Frank J. doesn’t need any extra pressure. I sure won’t do anything to cause any extra pressure on him. About his wife’s birthday.

And this story about monkeys controlling robots with their minds might freak him out. ‘Cause it’s freaky.

I mean, do you get the idea that scientists are like rednecks, only with test tubes and laboratories instead of beer cans and deer stands?

I mean, a redneck will get liquored up, hop on a four-wheeler and try to jump his mom’s car. He’ll make it about half-way across. It’s like, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” Then they’ve got a “Here’s Your Sign” winner.

Same way with these scientists. “Hello, colleagues, observe!” They wire up a monkey to a robot and let it control it with its mind.

We’ve all been worrying about SkyNet taking over. And, if it does, it will be a cross between Terminator and Planet of the Apes: monkey-controlled robots.

There’s a storm coming … and it’s a mad house, a mad house!

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30 Responses to “Nobody tell Frank J. about the monkeys using their minds to control robots”

  1. Plentyobailouts says:

    Sooo, Basil, what ya got to buy my silence? I would take one of them robot arms for a back scratcher!

  2. MarkoMancuso says:

    Somewhere in a sports bar, a Penn State fan, a West Virginia fan, and a Syracuse fan are laughing it up, saying, “Did you hear about the Pitt monkey? They call it ‘Dave Wannstedt’!”

  3. MikeLL says:

    Robotic Ninja Monkeys! Yikes. Frank always said this day would come. Do the monkeys have light sabers yet?

  4. MikeLL says:

    What are they going to do next, cyborg insects or something?

    Uh oh . . .

  5. Socrates says:

    I can’t imagine the pressure Frank must be under, what with this hugely popular blog on the Internet and having to be funny every time … and then to think he’s got to keep the awesome SarahK in high-quality birthday presents, or face the “It’s the thought that counts” words with the “Did you ever really love me at all?” look.

  6. island girl says:

    Not for nothing, but did you see Sotomayer at the hearings? If she looks that big and that scary and ugly when she is at her supposed BEST for the nationwide coverage of her confirmation hearings, IMAGINE WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE WHEN THE CAMERA IS NOT ON HER AND SHE GETS TO BE HER REAL SELF !

  7. midwestconservative says:

    The animal conspiracy now has human sympathisers, We’re all doomed

  8. MarkoMancuso says:

    The animal conspiracy now has human sympathisers, We’re all doomed

    And you just realized this now?

  9. Plentyobailouts says:

    Yeah Midwest Conservative, you’re just now realizing that?

  10. MikeLL says:

    island girl @6

    I imagine her sitting on the couch with a big bag of cheetos watching Sabado Gigante!

  11. MikeLL says:

    The monkey with the thing attached to his head looks so dang pissed. I think he is going to kill us all when he gets out of that contraption.

    [But, that's the problem. He won't need to get out to kill us. He'll send his mind-controlled robot after us. - B]

  12. Son of Bob says:

    But, could a monkey control a rocket launcher mounted on a dinosaur using only his mind?

  13. innominatus says:

    Basil, wish you’d posted this about 7 hours ago… I saw it on Drudge and immediately thought “Frank needs to know about this ASAP!” So I kinda emailed him. I didn’t realize that he was under such pressure. I hope my email isn’t what made him snap and go on that drug-fueled crime spree, ‘cuz that would make me feel pretty sad.

  14. Dohtimes says:

    The end times have arrived when we can sit on the sofa and play guitar solos, punch hippies, watch porn, rob liquor stores and vote all at the same time. Throw in a Cheetos feeder arm and sign me up.

  15. Terry_Jim says:

    How many movies will it take before people see the danger
    in giving monkeys a taste of technology. Everything Liberals know about anything they learn at the movies. “China Syndrome ” killed nuclear electric production in America, it’s a pity the cautionary tales of Terminator and Apes didn’t have the same effect.

    Hmmm.

    “Apes” star – Charlton Heston and Linda Hamilton
    “Terminator” star – Arnold Schwartzenegger and a different Linda Hamilton
    “China Syndrome” star- Hanoi Jane Fonda.
    That’s it! They hate women named Linda Hamilton!

    Sure,Obama, let the Iranians and North Koreans
    build nukes and share delivery systems,
    but don’t teach the monkeys how to use high tech !!
    That doesn’t end well…

  16. Andrew says:

    This business will get out of control. It will get out of control and we’ll be lucky to live through it.

  17. Live Free Or Die says:

    Has the monkey mastered poo flinging with the robot-arm? If not, the monkey will become irate and fling poo at the guys in the lab coats. Can the monkey open a banana from the bottom-end with said robot-arm? If not, more poo flinging at the lab coats. This can only end in poo covered lab coats.

  18. Sgt Relic says:

    The white coated boys are just pencil necked Ivies. Real Rednecks would just teach the monkey to fetch beer without all that hardware. Thankfully we don’t anybody like them running the country…….Oh, forget it!

  19. marvin says:

    Perfect present for SarahK?

    *Pink AR-15 (is it still evil if pink)

    *pink 1911

    *robot controlling monkey’s head in a box

    *diamonds (she is a girl)

    *fur coat, from baby seals that you clubbed yourself, much more thoughtful then store bought baby seal fur.

    *Book of wise Latina woman wisdom (isn’t wise Latina woman redundant, since Latina already means woman of Latin extraction? Of course if I was wise enough to describe myself as such, while insulting other races on camera, I would probably understand that it wasn’t)

    Come on everyone, frankj is under a lot of pressure. We got to help him come up with ideas. Basil can pass them on for us.

  20. ussjimmycarter says:

    Just memorize the line “keep your hands off me you damn dirty ape!” and all is well…

  21. MarkoMancuso says:

    Basil, wish you’d posted this about 7 hours ago… I saw it on Drudge and immediately thought “Frank needs to know about this ASAP!” So I kinda emailed him. I didn’t realize that he was under such pressure. I hope my email isn’t what made him snap and go on that drug-fueled crime spree, ‘cuz that would make me feel pretty sad.

    I propose that we all shun innominatus for what he has done.

  22. nbc says:

    There’s a minor flaw in the plan.

    This is a healthy monkey brain with a chip in it, what happens when you embed the chip in a stroke victim’s brain?

    Or is the plan to embed the chip in a monkey brain then put the monkey brain in the stroke victim?

  23. Corona says:

    SarahK – “Oh boy, the seven words every wife longs to hear….”I love you. There, I said it”.”
    Happy birthday SarahK! Frank, you’n better get her a good present or POW!
    I don’t think Frank’ll get freaked out over robot-controlling monkeys. Personally I’d be more interested seeing monkeys controlling this current Admin. It’s obvious they don’t. Otherwise we’d see a huge jump in I.Q. in DC.

  24. IH8Socialist says:

    Great it’s bad enough I have to worry about Obama and the rest of the liberals destroying life as we know, now I got to worry about the Monkeynator too.

  25. NunyaB says:

    O/T gift idea for any female:

    “My fantasy is having two men — one cooking, the other cleaning”

  26. TerribleTroy says:

    WOW Not the dreaded wifes Birthday…. I hope for Franks sake she’s not 25 of 30 (women hate those B-days). All I can say is chose wisely Grasshopper. I almost got a divorce due to a present I selected one year, and “fun time” around the house ceased for 3 months. But what the heck…. your married …….. forever……unless you mess up real bad.

  27. IMAO » Blog Archive » How Was Heston Damning at the End of Planet of the Apes? These Scientists links:

    [...] to add to what Basil said, robots controlled by monkeys’ brains is a bad idea. I believe in Asimov’s robot laws, [...]

  28. Harvey says:

    Hopefully Frank knows the most important thing for buying a gift for a woman:

    “IF IT HAS A CORD, IT AIN’T A GIFT”

  29. Burt says:

    Did I read this right?

    “Neurobiologist Dr Andy Schwartz said: “What we’re trying to do is go to a very dextrous hand – where the functionality is very similar to the human hand. If we could help stroke patients there would be a huge market for this kind of device.”

    If the wages are enough, I would be happy to come in and stroke the patients. I think most patients would enjoy the touch of another human rather than being stroked by a monkey controlled robot!

  30. IMAO » Blog Archive » What is Frank thinking? links:

    [...] Two men at once — one cooking, the other cleaning * [...]

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