Warning: Warning labels are stupid

Posted on July 10, 2009 9:52 pm

We need to quit put warning labels on things.

I wasn’t sure about this for a while, but I’m totally convinced now.

Instructions are fine. I believe in instructions. When people ask me stupid questions about using something or following a process, I usually ask them what the instructions said. The blank stare tells me they didn’t read the instructions.

Instructions are good things. I like them. But, if you can do things without instructions, that’s fine. Some people can. For some things, I can. Depends on the thing.

But instructions aren’t warning labels. There’s a difference.

Warning labels are for stupid people.

The classic example is the lawsuit against McDonald’s where the lady spilled coffee in her lap. She sued McDonald’s because when she ordered hot coffee, she was given hot coffee. That was hot.

So, now when you buy McDonald’s hot coffee, the cup says “Caution: HOT!” That’ll keep it from burning.

And that ties in to my point (you didn’t know I had one, did you?): Warning labels are stupid.

If you aren’t smart enough to figure out that peanuts contain nuts (yes, that’s a real warning), then you deserve whatever happens to you.

You see, stupid should hurt. That’s how you learn things. Or, if you don’t learn things, you at least keep the rest of entertained watching you get hurt.

If you don’t know that you’re not supposed to eat Mr Bubbles, you ought to get sick if you do. And it’d be your own fault.

If you put your fingers in the blades of a running fan, it should hurt. Stupid should hurt.

And, if you do something really stupid, and it kills you, well, that’s a shame. A darn shame. And I’d feel bad for you. Until I got hungry. Then I’d go eat and forget about you and the stupid thing you did.

You see, one thing warning labels do is help keep stupid people from getting hurt. Or from dying.

Warning labels mean more stupid people. Here’s how:

Stupid man reads a warning label and doesn’t stick a screwdriver in a light socket, and lives.

Stupid woman reads a warning label and doesn’t user her toaster in the bath, so she lives.

Stupid man and stupid woman, having so much in common, meet, fall in love, and have stupid kids. For some reason, stupid people figure out the having kids things.

Stupid kids grow up, and the cycle continues.

This is already happening.

We’ve had warning labels on things long enough that we’re a generation or two into the overcrowding of America by stupid people. You want proof? Here you go: they elected Barack Obama.

We need to find a way to get rid of all the warning labels. That way, we’ll start reducing the number of stupid people, either by attrition or by them learning, by experience, to not do stupid stuff.

Unless we get rid of warning labels, we’ll just have more and more stupid people around, and things will only get worse.

You have been warned.

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86 Responses to “Warning: Warning labels are stupid”

  1. AR says:

    I’m looking forward to this.

  2. MarkoMancuso says:

    We’ve had warning labels on things long enough that we’re a generation or two into the overcrowding of America by stupid people. You want proof? Here you go: they elected Barack Obama.

    So you want us to hurt Obama voters, correct?

    [What did the instructions say? – B]

  3. Silhouette says:

    Caution: Do not place this blog in ear canal. Blog become hot when heated. Keep hands and feet inside the blog at all times.

  4. cjtony97 says:

    This blog promises laughter. I did not laugh once at this post. I’m suing.

    [Um, bad news. You see at the top of the post where it says “Posted by Basil”? That warned you right then and there that this post was totally devoid of humor. Read the labels! – B]

  5. TGregg says:

    It’s worse than that. Since warning labels are so ubiquitous (thank you Mozilla spell check) and contain so much information that is obvious, nobody pays any attention to them at all. So now we have no way to put a real warning on something. A year ago, I put my new grill together. As you would expect with a gas grill, several trees were sacrificed to print up all the warnings. I didn’t pay attention to any of them. But what if there were a “genuine” warning that wasn’t obvious? Like “burn your grill for an hour before cooking to get rid of the nasty preservative oil we have on all the steel”?

    In our zeal to save the dolts of the world, we are putting people of normal intellect at risk.

  6. MikeLL says:

    “Stupid should hurt.” — Basil

    This should be emblazoned on the forehead of every single liberal alive.

    [With a chisel! – B]

  7. MikeLL says:

    And maybe the dead ones too.

  8. MikeLL says:

    WOW! “B” responded to my comment. Now, if I could just get “Ed” to say something to me . . .

    [Ed only talks to Wilbur. Even Carol never gets to hear Ed speak. – B]

  9. MikeLL says:

    You always have to have the last word, don’t you “B”.

    [Now why would you say that? – B]

  10. cknight says:

    Then again, if Obama had come with an appropriate warning label, maybe we could have avoided this.

  11. MikeLL says:

    LOL. But what would his warning label have said?
    This could be an awesome FrankJ post.

  12. MarkoMancuso says:

    Actually, “B”, “Ed.” has added his name to the bottom of a couple of my posts. Kinda creepy.

    BTW, my name is not Wilbur.

    [Well, there’s Ed, Edd, n Eddy. You sure about which one it was? – B]

  13. MikeLL says:

    Warning!

    –Do not place Obama too close to 16 year old girls.
    –Too much Obama could lead to teleprompter madness.
    –Obama and freedom are not compatible.

    Darn. I suck. I’m nowhere near IMAO funny.

  14. MarkoMancuso says:

    [Well, there’s Ed, Edd, n Eddy. You sure about which one it was? – B]

    I…don’t know. That’s what scares me about the period.

  15. T-Dog says:

    Basil, I hate to tell you this, but Bill Engval is way ahead of you. He does a routine of this exact same thing about warning labels being for stupid people. Your’s was still good, but the master comedian, who is a conservative too, already beat you to the punch.

    [I haven’t seen Engvall’s routine (I bet it hilarious). Obviously, the person I stole this from plagiarized Engvall. I’m extremely disappointed in him. – B]

  16. Scott F. says:

    I said the same thing at 10 years old when I realized my mom’s hairdryer actually had a sticker telling you not to dry your hair in a running shower.

    Congratulations accident lawyers, you’ve not only wasted billions of dollars and driven up the price of nearly every product and service imaginable, but by allowing these potential Darwin Award recipients to live long enough to reproduce, you’ve actually managed to set back the evolution of the entire species by diluting the gene pool with an excessive quantity of moron.

  17. Rubeus says:

    Then there’s the ones that come with PICTURES. Those are for the REALLY stupid people. No joke- the plastic lining that my laptop came in had a picture (REALLY BAD ONE) of someone putting their head in the lining and suffocating. …or it could have been a look of wonder as they stuck their head through a trans-dimensional hole…

  18. Mr. Right says:

    I disagree with banning all warning labels. An exemption should be made for the following, which should, by Constitutional Amendment, be required to be posted on every ballot and/or voting booth in the country from now until the end of time…

    WARNING: Voting Democrat will result in excessive corruption and cronyism, massive increases in taxes and over-zealous government regulation, dangerous erosion of our freedoms and the traditions that have made this country great, and the eventual destruction of the very fabric our society from crushing debt, destruction of the engines of wealth and commerce that can thrive only in a free-market capitalist atmosphere, normalization of deviant and self-destructive behaviors, continued disintegration of our sovereignty and national security and a sense of entitlement to the fruits of the labors of others by those with no inclination to bother to care for or better themselves.

  19. Karen says:

    Most of this is pretty funny. However, the woman who sued McDonalds had 3rd degree burns. You expect coffee to be hot enough to induce blisters, maybe, not require a hospital stay and skin grafts. Maybe we should sell shaving razors with poison on them. If someone sues, they ‘just cut themself shaving’.

    On another topic. A sewdish chainsaw label says “Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hands or genitals.”

    [Regarding the woman who sued: It involved a 79-year-old woman that was driven to McDonald’s by her grandson.

    Since my 95-year-old grandmother is still around, it’s easy for me to imagine myself in that situation. If I ran her through the McDonald’s drive-through, and she wanted to put cream and sugar in it, the phrase “Let me do that for you, Grandma,” comes to mind. So, if any blame goes beyond the woman with the coffee, it goes to the grandson.

    Oh, and it’s interesting to note that in Sweden, they’ve had a rash of injuries from attempting to stop chainsaws with genitals. They should remove that warning label. That way, stupid Swedes (a subset of all Swedes), who attempt to stop a chainsaw with their genitals will either be killed, stopping them from reproducing, or they’ll be maimed, but live, still unable to reproduce. No downside. – B]

  20. MikeLL says:

    “Maybe we should sell shaving razors with poison on them.”

    Huh???!!!

    Ouch.

    Umm, I get the McDonalds thing. I mean, coffee shouldn’t send you to ICU because it is so HOT. But, razors with poison?

    YIKES!!!

  21. AR says:

    At Karen, I’d like to point out that water can only be above 100 degrees Celsius, 212 Fahrenheit, under special circumstances, as it will enter the gas phase. In the open air, with coffee in it, water’s temperature is unlikely to be above the boiling point.

    I believe that coffee is made with boiling or near boiling water, and while I will confess that I am not 100% on that point, I do know that hot tea is made with boiling water. So, I guess my point is that it would be impossible for coffee to be unreasonably hot.

  22. MikeLL says:

    #16 Scott F. “Darwin Award recipients to live long enough to reproduce, you’ve actually managed to set back the evolution of the entire species by diluting the gene pool with an excessive quantity of moron.”

    OMG I am never going to stop laughing. I need serious medication to stop my laughing headache.

  23. AR says:

    As soon as my comment (I don’t understand why it needs moderation, BTW) gets through, someone will see the mistake..

    [Yeah, I’m not sure why it was moderated by the spam filters. It does that from time-to-time. I think it does it at random. It has caught mine from time-to-time. – B]

    My Chemistry knowledge isn’t what it use to be, but I believe the boiling point can be raised depending on what is in the solution… However, I strongly doubt it would be enough to significantly raise the BP. Also, elevation plays a role, but you’d have to be pretty far below sea level to get much of an effect from that.

  24. MikeLL says:

    LOL AR. That was hillarious. . . . . I assume you were joking.

    Um. You weren’t joking?

    Oh. . . . . . sorry.

  25. AR says:

    Did I say something stupid? I wouldn’t be surprised, but could I be told what it was?

  26. Shane says:

    The lady that was burned doesn’t deserve the ridicule. It wasn’t the fact the coffee was hot but that Mickey D’s coffee cups would melt through the bottom without warning. As part of the settlement, she was forbidden to discuss the accident.

    [It didn’t burn through the woman’s cup. She attempted to open the lid, with the cup in her lap, by pulling the lid toward her, and spilled it. And her grandson sat next to her and watched. I’m sorry the old lady burned herself by having a grandson who won’t assist granny with her coffee. – B]

  27. Julranieson says:

    Blue Comedy Tour fans will remember also that Ron White has a routine called You Can’t Fix Stupid. (And as Basil points out, stupid people reproduce, ergo, you can’t end the stupidity. Sad, but true.)
    We have a saying in my family, “And they’re in the gene pool!”

  28. Ringmaster says:

    What about the “Here be Dragons” warnings on maps Basil? That’s the only reason I knew to avoid Northern Indiana n California.

    [Those aren’t warnings. They are invitations to the hunt. Bring a gun. No limit. – B]

  29. Choey says:

    You are all aware I assume, that by definition, half the population is below average. That’s a lot of stupid people.

    [52% voted for Obama. That means the average is WAY too low. I’m just hoping we can raise the average. Stupid is relative, of course. Including some of my relatives, to be honest. – B]

  30. ECP says:

    Sorry, but I have to disagree.
    Since when do stupid people read labels. They don’t. But they DO win lawsuits, with help, of course. The labels are there to cover the companies’ backsides. The problem isn’t the labels, but the legal need to clutter them up with a bunch of duh, so the companies won’t have to spend as much to settle with the stupid, or the survivors.

    [You don’t beat stupid by giving in to stupid. You beat stupid with a stick. A really big stick. With a nail in it. – B]

  31. IH8Socialist says:

    The little stick figure warning lables really crack me up, that’s for some serious stupid. Being stupid should hurt, being a liberal should hurt too. Since you have to be super stupid to be a liberal it should hurt twice as much or more. I guess if I ever have to come with a warning label it would say: Warning does not play well with liberals. Spouting off your liberal veiws in the area of this person will result in bodily harm.

  32. PammyV says:

    It’s part of the big liberal plan: since one day there will be no families with mommies and daddies to teach children, they must put warning labels on everything. It’s part of the big plan. The reason for the stick figures is right in line as well. The children of the future won’t even have to read to get by in life (public school system has that wrapped up already). Just watch: soon there will only be a picture of the candidate on the ballot.

  33. midwestconservative says:

    #28 ringmaster: I Was born in northern Indiana , I have lived half of my life here.(the other half split up between Florida , Texas , and California). I have never encountered a dragon. Me thinks your maps be misprinted with bad warning labels.

  34. RedWhiteAndTrue says:

    Anyone ever see “Idiocracy” by Mike Judge? It’s also in a Harvey Danger song… “Been around the world and found that only stupid people are breeding…” Art imitates life.

  35. ShyAsrai says:

    never having encountered the film “Idiocracy”, i thought initially that some brave soul in hollyweird had made a parody of ‘a’ democrat party-run world.

    imagine my surprise when i discovered that far from being a parody, it was prescient.

  36. PaleoMedic says:

    I ran across a ketchup packet that instructed me to “Open Somewhere Else.” Needless to say I was stymied.

  37. MikeLL says:

    Ok. I just woke up from my alcohol induced stupor. And I can’t for the life of me remember why I wrote this last night @24:

    “LOL AR. That was hillarious. . . . . I assume you were joking.

    Um. You weren’t joking?

    Oh. . . . . . sorry.”

    Sorry AR. I don’t know what I was talking about. I don’t even remember typing that. Did “B” or “Ed” type that when I wasn’t looking?

  38. TerribleTroy says:

    Friends dont let friends blog while intoxicated….BWI…

  39. Joey says:

    “Stupid Should Hurt” is my new motto. I’m using that from now until the day I die. With Obama, you’re right. Stupid did hurt. We deserve this for electing him.

  40. IH8Socialist says:

    It’s ashame stupid don’t hurt then no one would have voted for Obama.

  41. Ringmaster says:

    “[Those aren’t warnings. They are invitations to the hunt. Bring a gun. No limit. – B]”

    Indeed Basil. Well played, worthy adversary. Well played.

    Although I’ll have to knife hunt. Ammo around here is scarce, and my reserve is at it’s minimum.

  42. MoogieP says:

    The manual for my car warns, “Do not allow children to open the door while car is in motion.” Maybe we can white-out that provision in the Government Motors eco-cars’ manuals and do a little damage to the lib gene pool.

  43. MikeLL says:

    TerribleTroy says: “Friends dont let friends blog while intoxicated….BWI…”

    I don’t have any friends. . .

  44. IH8Socialist says:

    MoogieP I like that idea.

  45. Jim says:

    Easy, gather up all the personal injury lawyers in one place and nuke them. No more

    “WARNING: Putting your child into this food processor could cause serious injury or death.” BS.

    Worst part about it is that the content of “Instructions” are now 95% BS warnings….for morons and lawyers, so no one reads them anymore… This plays out well for the lawyers, since morons hurting themselves is like cash falling from the sky.

    I know a guy than won $19K in an injury suit for jumping from a moving truck on a job site and getting hurt. He did it bec. someone ripped a really nasty one.

    “WARNING: In case extreme flatulence…..” ahhhhh…..i dunno, I’m not very good at protecting morons or feeding lawyers.

  46. Jim says:

    The only problem I see with your premise is that it presupposes stupid people will read something- even if it says WARNING all over it

    [Enough do, and that’s a problem. We need to allow nature to weed out all the stupid people. – B]

  47. NO_MO_BAMA says:

    And as Basil points out, stupid people reproduce, ergo, you can’t end the stupidity. Sad, but true.)

    They not only reproduce, they do it at about 10 times the rate of intelligent people, just look at Africa, all of South America,
    Mexico and every welfare funded ghetto in the US, to name but a few.
    Warning: If you can’t even feed YOURSELF, don’t REPRODUCE.
    But that would require that they understand how the whole process works…. I’m pretty sure even after 5 bastards most still
    don’t get where they came from.

    My theory on really obvious warning labels is that if you’re dumb enough to need the warning, you’re probably too damn stupid to read it.

  48. John Morris says:

    Actually… Peanuts aren’t nuts. People who are allergic to nuts can usually eat peanuts. And vice versa. The warning label usually means there might be traces of other nuts in the can of peanuts, usually because they sell mixed nuts and both are run on the same production line and there is a high likelihood of cross contamination because they didn’t take special precautions. Hence the warning label. So that one actually has a real purpose.

    [Yes, we know that peanuts are actually legumes. Like peas and butterbeans. Still, if I was allergic to nuts, I have enough sense to stay the hell away from nuts and anything that calls itself a nut. A warning that peanuts may contain nuts? Stupid. For stupid people. – B]

  49. bill says:

    More info on the McDonald’s case. The coffee was 20 degrees higher than the industry standard. McDonald’s had already received numerous complaints of burns so they were already on notice that the coffee was a danger and they refused to correct it and instead settled the earlier claims.

    The coffee was so hot it caused the cup to collapse in on itself and spill on her lap causing serious burns, resulting in a 1 week hospital stay and about a year of going in and out of the hospital for skin grafts. All this woman asked for was a lousy $20K to pay her hospital bill but McDonald decided to play hardball with her and lost.

    As a frequent drinker of McDonald’s coffee from this time period, I was always getting burned on my tongue, my lip, my chin. And by burns, I mean blisters. And this was after allowing it to cool for awhile. I thought the problem was with me, not the other way around.

    Maybe, a solution would be for stupid companies to have labels that say: Hi. We’re a bunch of pricks. If we cause you injury we will attempt to screw you. Have a nice day.

    Also, I have to wonder how stupid of you to use this case to argue that other people are stupid.

    [The grandson is too sorry to help his grandmother with coffee, and McDonald’s is the bad guy? The woman can’t open a cup of coffee, and McDonald’s is the bad guy? That’s stupid.

    I’ve already said how I’d handle it: I’d have opened my grandmother’s coffee for her. But that’s the difference between me and some people who want a big company to pay for their stupidity.

    And, somehow, I’m not surprised that you get burned by hot coffee, either. I mean, you don’t know that hot coffee is hot? You must be who all those labels are for. And you know what that means. – B]

  50. chip says:

    I think the Google Adsense at the bottom of this just makes the whole thing that much funnier!

    Warning Labels
    Warning labels for all your needs Hundreds of types and colors
    http://label6.com/?gclid=CNPerLmPz5sCFRSfnAodNG–Jg

    Hundreds of Types and Colors!

    Hundreds, they say!

    [Which proves just how much of a capitalist Frank J. is: He makes money off people he lets me ridicule on his blog. – B]

  51. MarkoMancuso says:

    Off-topic, but I’ve got nowhere else to post it: http://hotair.com/archives/2009/07/11/if-you-like-putting-sterilants-in-our-water-and-forcing-undesirables-to-have-abortions-have-we-got-a-science-czar-for-you/

    Clancy wasn’t makin’ s%@$ up when he wrote Rainbow Six.

  52. Terry_Jim says:

    Loved “Rainbow Six”- if you don’t like that kind of book,
    it is worth wading through the whole enchilada
    to get to the logical punishment for ecoterrorists at the end.

  53. 4 of 7 says:

    http://www.palouseprairie/invertabrates/palouseworm.html

    2 million acres of prime wheat growing farmland in eastern Washington, or a giant worm that smells like lilacs – which will survive?

    “Pour Gatoraide on it! It’s got electrolytes!”

  54. 4 of 7 says:

    Dang it!
    I suck at linking stuff!
    Sorry!

  55. MikeLL says:

    Marko,

    Pretty freaky isn’t it? And this guy is our “Science” czar. Right out of the third Riech.

    And did you see what R. B. Ginsburg said recently? I’m paraphrasing, but she basically said “Roe v. Wade was unconstitutional, but OK, because we need to get the undesireables out of our population.”

    Good Lord. She is a Supreme Court justice! Makes me wonder what the hell Sotomayor is going to come up with.

  56. MikeLL says:

    Ooops. I think I just pulled a Godwin. Thread death is imminent. Sorry.

  57. twolaneflash says:

    My ten year old daughter was severely burned in her crotch by a cup of McDonald’s coffee she was holding for her mother as they left the drive-thru in Canton, GA. She was treated at Kennestone Hospital Emergency room in Marietta, GA, screaming in pain as her flesh blistered and peeled off in pieces. Don’t make fun of McDonald’s coffee burn victims in my presence you sociopaths. You will be hurt worse than my daughter was.

    [I’m sorry your daughter was burned. I’m also sorry her mother had no better sense than to hand a hot cup of coffee to a child. Maybe the mother didn’t know that hot coffee was hot? Perhaps that warning label was for her. If the daughter is lucky, the stupid gene skips a generation. – B]

  58. IH8Socialist says:

    One of the best warnig labels I’ve seen was in the instruction manual of a kitchen stove I installed in my parents house. The warning: do not use stove to dry newspapers, it may cause fire. I shook my head and said what kinda of idiot would do that. The sad part is someone tried it, other wise it wouldn’t be a warning.

  59. MikeLL says:

    “Don’t make fun of McDonald’s coffee burn victims in my presence you sociopaths.’

    Hmmmm. . . I have read through all of the comments and I don’t see anyone making fun of burn victims.

    However, I will freely admit that I am a sociopath. And proud of it!

  60. MikeLL says:

    Strange. My name is blue in that last comment. But if you click on it, you will get an error.

    Why is my name blue? Is it because I admitted I am a sociopath? Is IMAO giving me an award or something?

  61. MikeLL says:

    Hey! It is blue again!

    [There is a stray character in the URL field in the comment box. Either that, or DHS is on to you. Not sure which. – B]

  62. MikeLL says:

    I have to say I love Egg McMuffins. Don’t hate me because of that.

    [C’mon. Lighten up. That’s not why we hate you. – B]

  63. IH8Socialist says:

    MikeLL maybe IMAO is going to give you the coveted “proud to be a sociopath” award.

  64. IH8Socialist says:

    Warning label in one of my guns instruction manuals. Warning this gun is not a toy always point in a safe direction never aim at people.

  65. MikeLL says:

    “B” said — “There is a stray character in the URL field in the comment box”

    I have no idea what that means. I think “B” is mocking me. As usual.

    [No, really. There’s an exclamation point in the URL field (labeled “Website”). There are three fields: Name, Email, Website. Check it out. Remove the exclamation point, and thing’s will go back to like they were. Except for the mocking. That continues. – B]

  66. MikeLL says:

    Still blue. Hmmm. . . .

  67. Son of Bob says:

    I had no idea that there were 66 posts in this string when I began reading them. Had I known, I wouldn’t have begun reading them this morning, because I have somewhere that I’m supposed to be right now and didn’t really have the time to read them, and now I’m late. There really should have been some type of notice to alert me to the fact that there were so many responses to read, and to the fact that I should alot appropriate time to not interfere with previous commitments.

    [Yeah, a warning label or something, huh? – B]

  68. MikeLL says:

    Did this work?

  69. MikeLL says:

    It worked!

  70. MikeLL says:

    “B” you are a genius. I take back all the bad things I said about you.

    Except that thing about monkeys. That was true.

    (How the hell do you spell exept. Except? Ec . .. whatever)

    [Thanks, but I must correct you about something. Frank J: genius. Harvey: genius. Rest of the IMAO group: geniuses. Basil: know-it-all. There’s a difference. – B]

    [Oh, and you promised not to bring up the monkey again. – B]

  71. eric90230 says:

    >> stupid should hurt <<

    Wow, that is the smartest thing I’ve read in quite a while.

    And the essay brings teh funny.

  72. IH8Socialist says:

    The subject of warning lables reminded me of the Carlos Mancena bit of calling stupid people Dee Dee Dee. He even wrote a song about stupid people it went like this:
    “If you are a Dee please don’t marry a Dee cuz then your kids will be Dee Dee Dee.”

  73. RightWingKiller says:

    I have held this position for years.
    All consumer protection laws do is degarde the gene pool.
    Since we are at teh top of the food chart there are no mass predators ro remove the weak ans stupid. We need to allow stupid people to do themselves in.
    It can honestly be said that Ralph Nade has done more to HARM the humanrace by protecting idiots who should be eliminated.

  74. George guy says:

    In My World:

    President Barack H. Obama was playing a photogenic croquet game with George Soros and some lucky winners of a middle school essay contest, out on the White House Lawn.
    “Excuse me, I’ve got to go use the little President’s room,” the President announced. “Be back in a bit.”
    Rahm Emanuel followed behind. “Mr. President, don’t–”
    “Don’t ‘don’t’ me, I won the election,” President Barack H. Obama snapped, reaching for the door handle.
    The door handle wasn’t there. The President hit his head on a window mullion.
    “That’s a window, Mr. President,” Rahm sighed. “It’s always been a window. The door’s over there.”
    “Thank you, Rahm,” the President said, wincing. He stumbled through the door and made his way towards the bathroom.
    Shutting the door behind him, Barack H. Obama let loose with the accumulated results of 11 glasses of iced tea. A minute later he stepped out.
    “That was the linen closet, Mr. President,” Rahm groaned.
    “What, you mean…”
    Rahm peeked into the door. “Yes, you ruined 3,000 official White House cloth napkins. The bathroom is next door.”
    “Well, I don’t need to go anymore,” the President snuffed, nose in the air. He headed back out to the small party on the lawn.
    “You want to wash your hands, sir?” Rahm suggested.
    “I like to be mindful of the environment and not use too much water,” Barack H. Obama declared.
    “Yes, yes, but remember this kids’ essay contest was about the health care situation, not the environment,” Rahm reminded.
    “Aw, fine, I guess I can wash my hands.” The President ducked into a utility room and washed up.

    Barack H. Obama came back out of the White House, his attention held fast by the bucket he had picked up from the utility room. He had never seen one quite the same shape as this before; this was a double bucket that could be used to keep clean and dirty water separated. “Hey Rahm, check out this neat bucket,” enthused the President.
    “Yes, I’ve seen one like it before,” Rahm said fondly.
    “If you hold it up to the sun you can see how translucent it is,” Barack H. Obama remarked, pulling Rahm in close to see. “Oops.” His hand slipped.

    The children giggled as they saw President Obama and Rahm Emanuel falling over themselves trying to get the double bucket off of their heads. They took out their cellphones and snapped pictures of the spectacle. What they didn’t notice was George Soros behind them.
    “Yes, I’m sure zis is amusing to all of you, but zis embarrazzment is not to be for public consumption,” George Soros hissed, screwing a suppressor onto a handgun he had taken from his coat. He shot the four middle schoolers in the backs of their heads, motioning Obama’s Secret Service guards to clean up the mess.
    George Soros took each of the kids’ cellphones and deleted their pictures, then took another swig of iced tea. All just another day in the life.

  75. George guy says:

    And that is why we should keep warning labels off buckets.

    (Don’t want the above story to be entirely OT)

  76. hgurl says:

    I agree. If you’re stupid enough to want to blow dry your hair while you’re in then shower, go for it. We need you out of the gene pool. Survival of the fittest!

  77. ILoveMyFreedoms says:

    I thought Frank promised to nuke the moon. Was that just a warning? Dang, I’d hoped it was a promise…

  78. General_Buck_Turgidson says:

    Darwin would be rolling over in his grave at the state of things here. We’ve turned “survival of the fittest” into “Gosh, I’m really worried about that guy. Someone should hold his hand and help him out so we can make sure he lives long enough to make more of himself!”. Arrgh!

    I guess this is sort of where STD’s come in. (just go with it). If you head on over to the local brothel without a pocket full of trojans, “stupid” is probably going to hurt! (or at least itch one whole hell of a lot). We need other kinds of _TD’s too! Like “Can’t-figure-out-how-to-use-the-gas-pump Transmitted Disease” Not being able to figure out how to fuel your car in a timely and efficient manner, should cause a slow painful death, not just a delay to the 20 people behind you in line.

    Also, for my NJ friends, we need to band together and create a “too-stupid-to-get-an-EZ-Pass Transmitted Disease”. I can’t understand for the life of me why some people sit in the same lines day after day, week after week, year after year so they can pay their tolls with quarters!!!!! Besides, tolls are like $3 now! And who has 24 quarters in their car? (12 there and 12 back) There can’t be that many tin-foil hatters out there that think the little white square with the velcro/suction cups is going to melt their brains…

    Maybe I need one of these for the commute:

    http://mimg.sulekha.com/english/death-race/Stills/death-race17.jpg

  79. NunyaB says:

    5 stars for this post, I could not agree more. Time to thin the herd!

    What we need to do first, however, is get rid of ALL the lawyers and other assorted bleeding hearts. That way we can laugh at the stupid people without being sued or legislated out of it.

    #18, the only problem with your warning label is that it’s too complicated for those that need it to understand it. Howzabout instead: “Democrats hate American Idol” — that’ll keep the mass electorate for voting for them.

  80. IH8Socialist says:

    NunyaB says: What we need to do first, however, is get rid of ALL the lawyers and other assorted bleeding hearts. That way we can laugh at the stupid people without being sued or legislated out of it.

    I like it, great idea.

  81. Tim says:

    Ever bought Beef Jerky? I bought some the other day and found this little white packet in there. It said “Silica Gel — Do Not Eat”. This just highlights what I find most annoying about warning labels. They are needlessly redundant.

    When I see Silica Gel, I don’t think “Mmmm.. a tasty toppping.” I think “do not eat”. Do rational people actually think otherwise??

  82. IH8Socialist says:

    Tim says: When I see Silica Gel, I don’t think “Mmmm.. a tasty toppping.” I think “do not eat”. Do rational people actually think otherwise??

    The sad part is there was some stupid jackass that ate one of those packets and got sick and sued the company. If someone is stupid enough to eat it then they deserve to get sick.

  83. General_Buck_Turgidson says:

    Here’s a story from fox about how people in hotel rooms are getting prank calls from people pretending to be the front desk manager, and telling them that there’s deadly gas and poisonous spiders, and unless they smash all their windows with the top of the toilet tank and flood the place, they’re going to die.

    http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,532241,00.html

    Apparently the FBI is investigating. The SHOULD be investigating! But the topic of the investigation should not be the source of these brilliant pranks…nay, it should be how anybody could be so freaking stupid as to believe them! I hope these people (the “victims”) get charged for all of the thousands of dollars of damage they’re causing! If somebody called you claiming to be from the dick cheney assassination squad, and told you to throw dog poo at pancy nelosi, and you did it, you can be damn sure they’d throw you in jail, instead of running off searching for the “prankster”.

    Sheesh! Now they’re going to start putting warning labels on hotel toilets “Warning! Do not smash plate glass window with top of toilet. There are no spiders, you’re not going to die. Get you ass back in bed.”

  84. IH8Socialist says:

    warning if your to open minded your brain will fall out.

  85. Bigbird says:

    Who is going to get the T-shirt market going for these?

  86. IH8Socialist says:

    General_Buck_Turgidson we know at least 52% of Americans are tin-foil hatters. They proved it in November.

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