Warning: Warning labels are stupid

Posted on July 10, 2009 9:52 pm

We need to quit put warning labels on things.

I wasn’t sure about this for a while, but I’m totally convinced now.

Instructions are fine. I believe in instructions. When people ask me stupid questions about using something or following a process, I usually ask them what the instructions said. The blank stare tells me they didn’t read the instructions.

Instructions are good things. I like them. But, if you can do things without instructions, that’s fine. Some people can. For some things, I can. Depends on the thing.

But instructions aren’t warning labels. There’s a difference.

Warning labels are for stupid people.

The classic example is the lawsuit against McDonald’s where the lady spilled coffee in her lap. She sued McDonald’s because when she ordered hot coffee, she was given hot coffee. That was hot.

So, now when you buy McDonald’s hot coffee, the cup says “Caution: HOT!” That’ll keep it from burning.

And that ties in to my point (you didn’t know I had one, did you?): Warning labels are stupid.

If you aren’t smart enough to figure out that peanuts contain nuts (yes, that’s a real warning), then you deserve whatever happens to you.

You see, stupid should hurt. That’s how you learn things. Or, if you don’t learn things, you at least keep the rest of entertained watching you get hurt.

If you don’t know that you’re not supposed to eat Mr Bubbles, you ought to get sick if you do. And it’d be your own fault.

If you put your fingers in the blades of a running fan, it should hurt. Stupid should hurt.

And, if you do something really stupid, and it kills you, well, that’s a shame. A darn shame. And I’d feel bad for you. Until I got hungry. Then I’d go eat and forget about you and the stupid thing you did.

You see, one thing warning labels do is help keep stupid people from getting hurt. Or from dying.

Warning labels mean more stupid people. Here’s how:

Stupid man reads a warning label and doesn’t stick a screwdriver in a light socket, and lives.

Stupid woman reads a warning label and doesn’t user her toaster in the bath, so she lives.

Stupid man and stupid woman, having so much in common, meet, fall in love, and have stupid kids. For some reason, stupid people figure out the having kids things.

Stupid kids grow up, and the cycle continues.

This is already happening.

We’ve had warning labels on things long enough that we’re a generation or two into the overcrowding of America by stupid people. You want proof? Here you go: they elected Barack Obama.

We need to find a way to get rid of all the warning labels. That way, we’ll start reducing the number of stupid people, either by attrition or by them learning, by experience, to not do stupid stuff.

Unless we get rid of warning labels, we’ll just have more and more stupid people around, and things will only get worse.

You have been warned.

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86 Responses to “Warning: Warning labels are stupid”

  1. MarkoMancuso says:

    Off-topic, but I’ve got nowhere else to post it: http://hotair.com/archives/2009/07/11/if-you-like-putting-sterilants-in-our-water-and-forcing-undesirables-to-have-abortions-have-we-got-a-science-czar-for-you/

    Clancy wasn’t makin’ s%@$ up when he wrote Rainbow Six.

  2. Terry_Jim says:

    Loved “Rainbow Six”- if you don’t like that kind of book,
    it is worth wading through the whole enchilada
    to get to the logical punishment for ecoterrorists at the end.

  3. 4 of 7 says:

    http://www.palouseprairie/invertabrates/palouseworm.html

    2 million acres of prime wheat growing farmland in eastern Washington, or a giant worm that smells like lilacs – which will survive?

    “Pour Gatoraide on it! It’s got electrolytes!”

  4. 4 of 7 says:

    Dang it!
    I suck at linking stuff!
    Sorry!

  5. MikeLL says:

    Marko,

    Pretty freaky isn’t it? And this guy is our “Science” czar. Right out of the third Riech.

    And did you see what R. B. Ginsburg said recently? I’m paraphrasing, but she basically said “Roe v. Wade was unconstitutional, but OK, because we need to get the undesireables out of our population.”

    Good Lord. She is a Supreme Court justice! Makes me wonder what the hell Sotomayor is going to come up with.

  6. MikeLL says:

    Ooops. I think I just pulled a Godwin. Thread death is imminent. Sorry.

  7. twolaneflash says:

    My ten year old daughter was severely burned in her crotch by a cup of McDonald’s coffee she was holding for her mother as they left the drive-thru in Canton, GA. She was treated at Kennestone Hospital Emergency room in Marietta, GA, screaming in pain as her flesh blistered and peeled off in pieces. Don’t make fun of McDonald’s coffee burn victims in my presence you sociopaths. You will be hurt worse than my daughter was.

    [I’m sorry your daughter was burned. I’m also sorry her mother had no better sense than to hand a hot cup of coffee to a child. Maybe the mother didn’t know that hot coffee was hot? Perhaps that warning label was for her. If the daughter is lucky, the stupid gene skips a generation. – B]

  8. IH8Socialist says:

    One of the best warnig labels I’ve seen was in the instruction manual of a kitchen stove I installed in my parents house. The warning: do not use stove to dry newspapers, it may cause fire. I shook my head and said what kinda of idiot would do that. The sad part is someone tried it, other wise it wouldn’t be a warning.

  9. MikeLL says:

    “Don’t make fun of McDonald’s coffee burn victims in my presence you sociopaths.’

    Hmmmm. . . I have read through all of the comments and I don’t see anyone making fun of burn victims.

    However, I will freely admit that I am a sociopath. And proud of it!

  10. MikeLL says:

    Strange. My name is blue in that last comment. But if you click on it, you will get an error.

    Why is my name blue? Is it because I admitted I am a sociopath? Is IMAO giving me an award or something?

  11. MikeLL says:

    Hey! It is blue again!

    [There is a stray character in the URL field in the comment box. Either that, or DHS is on to you. Not sure which. – B]

  12. MikeLL says:

    I have to say I love Egg McMuffins. Don’t hate me because of that.

    [C’mon. Lighten up. That’s not why we hate you. – B]

  13. IH8Socialist says:

    MikeLL maybe IMAO is going to give you the coveted “proud to be a sociopath” award.

  14. IH8Socialist says:

    Warning label in one of my guns instruction manuals. Warning this gun is not a toy always point in a safe direction never aim at people.

  15. MikeLL says:

    “B” said — “There is a stray character in the URL field in the comment box”

    I have no idea what that means. I think “B” is mocking me. As usual.

    [No, really. There’s an exclamation point in the URL field (labeled “Website”). There are three fields: Name, Email, Website. Check it out. Remove the exclamation point, and thing’s will go back to like they were. Except for the mocking. That continues. – B]

  16. MikeLL says:

    Still blue. Hmmm. . . .

  17. Son of Bob says:

    I had no idea that there were 66 posts in this string when I began reading them. Had I known, I wouldn’t have begun reading them this morning, because I have somewhere that I’m supposed to be right now and didn’t really have the time to read them, and now I’m late. There really should have been some type of notice to alert me to the fact that there were so many responses to read, and to the fact that I should alot appropriate time to not interfere with previous commitments.

    [Yeah, a warning label or something, huh? – B]

  18. MikeLL says:

    Did this work?

  19. MikeLL says:

    It worked!

  20. MikeLL says:

    “B” you are a genius. I take back all the bad things I said about you.

    Except that thing about monkeys. That was true.

    (How the hell do you spell exept. Except? Ec . .. whatever)

    [Thanks, but I must correct you about something. Frank J: genius. Harvey: genius. Rest of the IMAO group: geniuses. Basil: know-it-all. There’s a difference. – B]

    [Oh, and you promised not to bring up the monkey again. – B]

  21. eric90230 says:

    >> stupid should hurt <<

    Wow, that is the smartest thing I’ve read in quite a while.

    And the essay brings teh funny.

  22. IH8Socialist says:

    The subject of warning lables reminded me of the Carlos Mancena bit of calling stupid people Dee Dee Dee. He even wrote a song about stupid people it went like this:
    “If you are a Dee please don’t marry a Dee cuz then your kids will be Dee Dee Dee.”

  23. RightWingKiller says:

    I have held this position for years.
    All consumer protection laws do is degarde the gene pool.
    Since we are at teh top of the food chart there are no mass predators ro remove the weak ans stupid. We need to allow stupid people to do themselves in.
    It can honestly be said that Ralph Nade has done more to HARM the humanrace by protecting idiots who should be eliminated.

  24. George guy says:

    In My World:

    President Barack H. Obama was playing a photogenic croquet game with George Soros and some lucky winners of a middle school essay contest, out on the White House Lawn.
    “Excuse me, I’ve got to go use the little President’s room,” the President announced. “Be back in a bit.”
    Rahm Emanuel followed behind. “Mr. President, don’t–”
    “Don’t ‘don’t’ me, I won the election,” President Barack H. Obama snapped, reaching for the door handle.
    The door handle wasn’t there. The President hit his head on a window mullion.
    “That’s a window, Mr. President,” Rahm sighed. “It’s always been a window. The door’s over there.”
    “Thank you, Rahm,” the President said, wincing. He stumbled through the door and made his way towards the bathroom.
    Shutting the door behind him, Barack H. Obama let loose with the accumulated results of 11 glasses of iced tea. A minute later he stepped out.
    “That was the linen closet, Mr. President,” Rahm groaned.
    “What, you mean…”
    Rahm peeked into the door. “Yes, you ruined 3,000 official White House cloth napkins. The bathroom is next door.”
    “Well, I don’t need to go anymore,” the President snuffed, nose in the air. He headed back out to the small party on the lawn.
    “You want to wash your hands, sir?” Rahm suggested.
    “I like to be mindful of the environment and not use too much water,” Barack H. Obama declared.
    “Yes, yes, but remember this kids’ essay contest was about the health care situation, not the environment,” Rahm reminded.
    “Aw, fine, I guess I can wash my hands.” The President ducked into a utility room and washed up.

    Barack H. Obama came back out of the White House, his attention held fast by the bucket he had picked up from the utility room. He had never seen one quite the same shape as this before; this was a double bucket that could be used to keep clean and dirty water separated. “Hey Rahm, check out this neat bucket,” enthused the President.
    “Yes, I’ve seen one like it before,” Rahm said fondly.
    “If you hold it up to the sun you can see how translucent it is,” Barack H. Obama remarked, pulling Rahm in close to see. “Oops.” His hand slipped.

    The children giggled as they saw President Obama and Rahm Emanuel falling over themselves trying to get the double bucket off of their heads. They took out their cellphones and snapped pictures of the spectacle. What they didn’t notice was George Soros behind them.
    “Yes, I’m sure zis is amusing to all of you, but zis embarrazzment is not to be for public consumption,” George Soros hissed, screwing a suppressor onto a handgun he had taken from his coat. He shot the four middle schoolers in the backs of their heads, motioning Obama’s Secret Service guards to clean up the mess.
    George Soros took each of the kids’ cellphones and deleted their pictures, then took another swig of iced tea. All just another day in the life.

  25. George guy says:

    And that is why we should keep warning labels off buckets.

    (Don’t want the above story to be entirely OT)

  26. hgurl says:

    I agree. If you’re stupid enough to want to blow dry your hair while you’re in then shower, go for it. We need you out of the gene pool. Survival of the fittest!

  27. ILoveMyFreedoms says:

    I thought Frank promised to nuke the moon. Was that just a warning? Dang, I’d hoped it was a promise…

  28. General_Buck_Turgidson says:

    Darwin would be rolling over in his grave at the state of things here. We’ve turned “survival of the fittest” into “Gosh, I’m really worried about that guy. Someone should hold his hand and help him out so we can make sure he lives long enough to make more of himself!”. Arrgh!

    I guess this is sort of where STD’s come in. (just go with it). If you head on over to the local brothel without a pocket full of trojans, “stupid” is probably going to hurt! (or at least itch one whole hell of a lot). We need other kinds of _TD’s too! Like “Can’t-figure-out-how-to-use-the-gas-pump Transmitted Disease” Not being able to figure out how to fuel your car in a timely and efficient manner, should cause a slow painful death, not just a delay to the 20 people behind you in line.

    Also, for my NJ friends, we need to band together and create a “too-stupid-to-get-an-EZ-Pass Transmitted Disease”. I can’t understand for the life of me why some people sit in the same lines day after day, week after week, year after year so they can pay their tolls with quarters!!!!! Besides, tolls are like $3 now! And who has 24 quarters in their car? (12 there and 12 back) There can’t be that many tin-foil hatters out there that think the little white square with the velcro/suction cups is going to melt their brains…

    Maybe I need one of these for the commute:

    http://mimg.sulekha.com/english/death-race/Stills/death-race17.jpg

  29. NunyaB says:

    5 stars for this post, I could not agree more. Time to thin the herd!

    What we need to do first, however, is get rid of ALL the lawyers and other assorted bleeding hearts. That way we can laugh at the stupid people without being sued or legislated out of it.

    #18, the only problem with your warning label is that it’s too complicated for those that need it to understand it. Howzabout instead: “Democrats hate American Idol” — that’ll keep the mass electorate for voting for them.

  30. IH8Socialist says:

    NunyaB says: What we need to do first, however, is get rid of ALL the lawyers and other assorted bleeding hearts. That way we can laugh at the stupid people without being sued or legislated out of it.

    I like it, great idea.

  31. Tim says:

    Ever bought Beef Jerky? I bought some the other day and found this little white packet in there. It said “Silica Gel — Do Not Eat”. This just highlights what I find most annoying about warning labels. They are needlessly redundant.

    When I see Silica Gel, I don’t think “Mmmm.. a tasty toppping.” I think “do not eat”. Do rational people actually think otherwise??

  32. IH8Socialist says:

    Tim says: When I see Silica Gel, I don’t think “Mmmm.. a tasty toppping.” I think “do not eat”. Do rational people actually think otherwise??

    The sad part is there was some stupid jackass that ate one of those packets and got sick and sued the company. If someone is stupid enough to eat it then they deserve to get sick.

  33. General_Buck_Turgidson says:

    Here’s a story from fox about how people in hotel rooms are getting prank calls from people pretending to be the front desk manager, and telling them that there’s deadly gas and poisonous spiders, and unless they smash all their windows with the top of the toilet tank and flood the place, they’re going to die.

    http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,532241,00.html

    Apparently the FBI is investigating. The SHOULD be investigating! But the topic of the investigation should not be the source of these brilliant pranks…nay, it should be how anybody could be so freaking stupid as to believe them! I hope these people (the “victims”) get charged for all of the thousands of dollars of damage they’re causing! If somebody called you claiming to be from the dick cheney assassination squad, and told you to throw dog poo at pancy nelosi, and you did it, you can be damn sure they’d throw you in jail, instead of running off searching for the “prankster”.

    Sheesh! Now they’re going to start putting warning labels on hotel toilets “Warning! Do not smash plate glass window with top of toilet. There are no spiders, you’re not going to die. Get you ass back in bed.”

  34. IH8Socialist says:

    warning if your to open minded your brain will fall out.

  35. Bigbird says:

    Who is going to get the T-shirt market going for these?

  36. IH8Socialist says:

    General_Buck_Turgidson we know at least 52% of Americans are tin-foil hatters. They proved it in November.

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