Less Useless People

If Republicans want a winning platform, it should be the anti-useless people platform. It seems pretty much all of the Democrats are career politicians who’ve never accomplished anything in their entire lives yet for some unfathomable reason think they’re smart and should be able to tell us all what to do. The reason people are so mad is their just starting to come to grips with how insane that is. Ted Kennedy’s death just amplifies that; what in his entire life suggests he should even give people advice nonetheless make the rules?

Of course, it’s not like Republican politicians are that great either. So I suggest we pass a new Amendment: The Purge. Every so many years, everyone is thrown out of the federal government and banned from politics. This forces us to get a new government every so often and emphasizes the fact to politicians that politics is a temporary thing and eventually you have to get a real job.

Originally, the government was supposed to be so small and limited it didn’t matter what idiots we gave it to. Since that ideal is pretty much gone, let’s at least police a bit better who we give the keys to the car to. Half the Congress probably couldn’t have gotten a job managing a shift at the local Dairy Queen, and yet their trying to take over anything in the economy they can get their grubby little hands on. It’s crazy, and if the Republicans want to succeed they should just keep pointing out how insane that is.

Send to Kindle

More Ted Kennedy Rememberance

I wrote my thoughts for Pajamas Media and hopefully that should be up tomorrow morning. Anyway, here are a couple articles on Kennedy that I thought were worth sharing:

Andrew Klavan

Carl M. Cannon

Leon H. Wolf

The Onion

Send to Kindle

Random Thoughts – Ted Kennedy Edition

In my whole life I hope I don’t do something as stupid and morally blind as a vote to reelect Senator Ted Kennedy.

Ted Kennedy dies and all I feel is this intense anger at Massachusetts. I mean, really, how could they keep electing that guy?

There was just no way of taking Massachusetts seriously while Ted Kennedy was Senator.

Ted Kennedy RIP – A champion of civil rights for everyone not inside his car. He’ll be missed.

Small consolation for Mary Jo Kopechne: Yesterday she got to be a trending topic on Twitter. Would mean more if she lived to see the internet.

Is thinking you shouldn’t be in politics after drowning a woman and fleeing the scene a right-wing Christian extremist thing?

I’ll certainly refrain from saying bad things about him if others who didn’t know him personally refrain from saying nice things. Compromise.

I’ll say this: There was never a more instructive example of what a liberal truly is than Senator Ted Kennedy.

Many who trash Kennedy now are putting politics before decency… but no more so than anyone who voted to reelect him after what he did.

You have to admit, if the worst that comes out of Chappaquiddick is a blemish on Ted Kennedy’s memorial, he got off really easy.

Who did Ted Kennedy run against? Ax murderers? Pedophiles? I feel like I’m in crazy world!

I guess until now I just never came to grips with how absolutely insane the existence of Ted Kennedy was.

Ted Kennedy served in the Army. There’s something he did which is actually a good example to follow.

It’s not the anger at Ted Kennedy that’s political. It’s the lack of anger from others.

They should name the health care bill after Ted Kennedy to remind people how bloated, harmful, and amoral it is.

I don’t want to be an angry partisan, but a man has to know his limitations.

I don’t think liberals quite understand what a giant joke Ted Kennedy was to most Americans.

Say what you want about Ted Kennedy, but the size and shape of his head was quite fascinating.

I’ll promise not saying anything else bad about Ted Kennedy if liberals promise not to resurrect him as a cyborg zombie.

Actual question: Outside of the Beltway and morons in MA, is Ted Kennedy considered anything other than a punchline?

Considering the standard Ted Kennedy set, why should Mark Sanford leave?

Send to Kindle

Ted Kennedy Jokes

Frank J., despite having a wicked sense of humor, has class. Or as close to what passes for class when it comes to bloggers.

He was no fan of the Edward Moore Kennedy, late of Massachusetts. But, when he got word of Kennedy’s death, he wrote a post where he encouraged his readers to “try to have good memories about (Kennedy) right now. … And try and think of something nice to say about Ted for the comments (no joke).”

While Frank J. decided to allow for kind words about the late Senator, I have no such class.

I heard many say “let’s think about his family.” Well, how far do you go with that? Do you offer condolences to the family of Baitullah Mehsud? Of course not.

And, no, I’m not saying Kennedy was as bad as a Taliban leader. But I think we agree there’s a line. On one side of the line, you put things aside and offer condolences to the family. On the other side of the line, you wonder why they lived as long as they did. Kennedy’s on the “lived too long” side of the line.

But I didn’t intend this to be a rant about how bad of a person Ted Kennedy was. Instead, I offer the other side of Frank’s post: He asked for kind words. I’m asking for Ted Kennedy jokes.

And I’ll start.

But first, here’s the background on this Ted Kennedy joke. I heard it in either July or August, 1969. I had just turned 11, and this was one of the first “naughty” limericks I heard. Shortly after the Chappaquiddick incident, someone shared this with me:

There once was a Senator from Mass.
Who wanted a new piece of a**
He lucked up and found her
He f**ked up and drowned her
Now his chance to be president has passed

If you have a joke about Ted Kennedy, let’s hear it. If it has any naughty words, do clean them up, if possible, or censor them, as I did above.

Bring ’em on.

Send to Kindle

Links of the Day Part 1

Is there ever a Part 2? Will you ever know the answer to this question?

First. Rachel Lucas visited Auschwitz-Birkenau. You must go read her post about it. Do it now.

Time’s 50 Best Websites 2009. IMAO isn’t on there, so Frank says it’s a bogus list, but maybe you’ll find something to interest you.

Non-randomness in coin tosses. You wanted to know. Or you didn’t. I don’t know, it’s a toss-up. Thank you, I’m here all week, tip your waiter.

Ted Kennedy: Still Not Good

Also check out Google’s trends today. Seems that Teddy K was remembered by most people for one thing.

Gratuitous self-linkage: Splish splash, baby. (Not a post about Ted Kennedy, regardless of the title.)

Send to Kindle

Frank J. and SarahK Meet Their New Neighbor

To be continued…

Send to Kindle

Better Interrogation Techniques

Thanks to the ACLU, the whole world now knows what “torture” means in the United States. Here’s a partial list:

Sleep deprivation
“insult slaps”
water dousing
“walling” (slamming a detainee’s head against a wall)

Apparently, American-style torture consists of attending a frat party.

Still, there’s got to be MORE stuff they use for when these “hard-core” techniques aren’t enough. But until my Freedom of Information Act request comes back, I’m left to speculate thusly:

Switch busted in the “on” position.

* “buzz buzz buzz” – Locking the subject in a room full of breakable objects with a fly and no flyswatter.

* “shinning” – making subject walk through a pitch-black room full of shin-level coffee tables.

* “Lego walk” – same as above, but subject is barefoot and the floor is scattered with Lego pieces.

* “whiffy cat” – subject gets a cat for a “companion”, but is never allowed to clean the litter box.

* “talkin’ corn” – 6 hour drive through Nebraska with nothing but an AM radio.

* “broken glass, sudsy water” – do my dishes, bitch.

* “Nevergizer” – dead batteries in the subject’s remote.

* “South of the Border” – habanero toilet paper.

* “bottomless cup” – re-filling the subject’s half-finished coffee, thus making it impossible to restore the proper cream/sugar ratio to the beverage.

* “beep beep” – a viewing of Eddie Murphy’s “Raw“, edited for television.

What do YOU have that would crack a terrorist?

Send to Kindle

Random Thoughts

Liberals are just upset that we spend all this time trying to get terrorists to talk but no one cares what they say

So were all now pretty clear that Obama’s main skill is sounding smart to stupid people. Beyond that he’s pretty useless.

New Platform: Useless people out of government. It’s insane the country is run by people who have never accomplished anything.

What evidence is there that Nancy Pelosi is competent enough to have a say in anything, yet she has a say in everything.

The people who should be running the federal government are all the people too busy doing useful, actual things.

We need to put a purge into the Constitution, where every so often everyone in Congress is tossed out and we start over.

Path to Nuclear Disarmament: America takes over the entire world. No reason to nuke self.

Which Party is going to take on movie theater concession prices? No free market at work there. I bet that’s what candy costs in Europe.

Why does C# require a break for the default condition of a case statement? What exactly am I breaking from at that point? Illogical!

I’m tired of C#. I miss pointers. Data in random memory locations, you will dance and do my bidding!

If the Glenn Beck boycott gets advertisers to pull from all news shows and throws Olbermann off the air, that would be the funniest thing ever.

You can’t make the government religiously significant without pulling religion down towards government’s insignificance.

My new nickname everyone agreed on: Awesomeator. It’s a combination of “Awesome” and “Terminator.”

Obama promised he’d lose us the war in Iraq, but I guess liberals will just have to settle on us losing in Afghanistan.

Send to Kindle

Let’s Remember Our Good Times with Ted Kennedy

I guess I should wait 24 hours before I really lay into Ted Kennedy (well, more so Massachusetts for reelecting him), so let’s try to have good memories about him right now. Best I can do is an old In My World that featured him: Ride of the Warmongerers. And try and think of something nice to say about Ted for the comments (no joke). Think of it as a challenge.

Send to Kindle

Robot Fish Farms

Some people are working on robot fish farms. They’ll swim around the oceans full of fish, helping the fish live more naturally while still keeping them in cage. Now, I’m not sure how a robot full of fish swimming around the ocean will take over the world, I just know they’re going to try.

They will certainly make odd Aquaman villains at least.

Send to Kindle

Enhanced Interrogation Methods

Cheney has finally gotten his memos showing he’s right that making terrorists very uncomfortable get information, but the Obama administration is still planning a probe to decide whether to prosecute people in the CIA for the methods they use. Personally, I don’t care what they do to someone if he’s a terrorist… or a terrorist sympathizer… or someone who hangs around a lot of terrorists like someone from the Middle East.

So what are the Enhanced Interrogation Methods the CIA uses? I will tell you:


* They shake a cat in front of a terrorist yelling, “Look at how we’re shaking this cat! Tell us what we’ll know or we’ll keep shaking this cat!”

* They flush a Koran down the toilet and then make the terrorist unclog the toilet because that doesn’t work too well.

* They let them watch American Idol’s results show right up until the reveal of who’s leaving, and then turn it off.

* During the questioning, all the CIA agents eat lots of tasty tasty bacon and the terrorists can’t have any.

* Their families are threatened, such as a vow to send their daughters to school.

* They ask the terrorist if he likes apples. If he answers in the affirmative, he is punched in the nads. “How about them apples!”

* Mandatory Muhammad cartoon drawing class. If you’re cartoon isn’t funnier than today’s Family Circus, it’s a beating.

* They threaten to splice their genes to give them a curly pig tail.

* They Let in an ACLU lawyer to check on whether the terrorists rights are being violated, then they beat up the lawyer in front of the terrorists saying, “This is what will happen to you if you don’t talk!”

* Al Gore is invited to give a slide show. Only excuse to get out of it is that you’re busy confessing terrorist plans.

* Not sure what exactly the final method entails, but it involves five minutes alone with Dick Cheney, a phone book, and a bottle of Vodka.

Send to Kindle

lolbama! Part 21

This week, That One. Next week, terrorists. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

I get to sit back and let everyone else do the work this week.

Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

From blarg:

Also from blarg:

From Cynthia of A Conservative Lesbian:

From db:

From Hellrider:

From Basil:

[reference link]

From Crusty:

From John:

From Peregrine John 1:

From Peregrine John 2:

From Peregrine John 3:

From Peregrine John 4:

From Russell:

From theoldcenturion:

[reference link]

From Trevor:

[reference link]

This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:

#1: When creating lolbama! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Send to Kindle

Joke Evolution

I was thinking, a lot of stand up comedians get accused of stealing jokes. The thing is, they’ll steal a joke, put a little variation to it to fit with their act. If their variation is no good, it dies there, but if is good then others will see it and steal the joke as well. Then they’ll add a little variation and process repeats. Eventually all the variations added into a joke from it being constantly stolen will result in a completely different joke.

Anyway, my theory is that all jokes are stolen from some knock-knock joke a caveman told thousands of years ago.

Send to Kindle

Random Thoughts

I thought Obama was vacationing in Martha’s Vineyard, so why does he have those Mickey Mouse ears on?

It would be neat if Obama vacationed at Disney World and then they renamed the Mickey Mouse ears as Obama ears.

Where do you go to get over an addiction to rehab?

If we replaced all liberals with giggling schoolgirls, we’d significantly macho up the country.

I think “death panel” would be a good name for a revolver.

Man, I’m feeling tired. When you fire energy blasts out your eyes, it really drains you.

Anthropologists a thousand years from now will have plenty of time to figure out the root causes of terrorism. We’re too busy.

Showed the RiffTrax of Raiders of the Lost Ark to my dad and he liked it just fine except for the guys talking over the movie.

Send to Kindle

Terror for Dummies

Cracked has a list of the most embarrassing failures in terrorism. That reminds me of how after 9/11 it felt like a certainty that we’d have more attacks in America. If someone didn’t care whether he lived or died, it seems so easy to kill a bunch of people in this country. There are so many crowded places you can go with no one checking anyone for weapons. It ends up terrorists are even dumber than we thought, though… or maybe Bush’s little laugh made them all crazy stupid just like it did liberals.

Anyway, if your god really wanted you to blow up infidels and take over the world by force, you’d think he’d use his god powers to make his followers not the biggest losers in the world. Not questioning Allah’s methods; I’m just saying.

Send to Kindle