Archive for August, 2009
Thanks to the ACLU, the whole world now knows what “torture” means in the United States. Here’s a partial list:
“walling” (slamming a detainee’s head against a wall)
Apparently, American-style torture consists of attending a frat party.
Still, there’s got to be MORE stuff they use for when these “hard-core” techniques aren’t enough. But until my Freedom of Information Act request comes back, I’m left to speculate thusly:
* “buzz buzz buzz” – Locking the subject in a room full of breakable objects with a fly and no flyswatter.
* “shinning” – making subject walk through a pitch-black room full of shin-level coffee tables.
* “Lego walk” – same as above, but subject is barefoot and the floor is scattered with Lego pieces.
* “whiffy cat” – subject gets a cat for a “companion”, but is never allowed to clean the litter box.
* “talkin’ corn” – 6 hour drive through Nebraska with nothing but an AM radio.
* “broken glass, sudsy water” – do my dishes, bitch.
* “Nevergizer” – dead batteries in the subject’s remote.
* “South of the Border” – habanero toilet paper.
* “bottomless cup” – re-filling the subject’s half-finished coffee, thus making it impossible to restore the proper cream/sugar ratio to the beverage.
* “beep beep” – a viewing of Eddie Murphy’s “Raw“, edited for television.
What do YOU have that would crack a terrorist?
Liberals are just upset that we spend all this time trying to get terrorists to talk but no one cares what they say
So were all now pretty clear that Obama’s main skill is sounding smart to stupid people. Beyond that he’s pretty useless.
New Platform: Useless people out of government. It’s insane the country is run by people who have never accomplished anything.
What evidence is there that Nancy Pelosi is competent enough to have a say in anything, yet she has a say in everything.
The people who should be running the federal government are all the people too busy doing useful, actual things.
We need to put a purge into the Constitution, where every so often everyone in Congress is tossed out and we start over.
Path to Nuclear Disarmament: America takes over the entire world. No reason to nuke self.
Which Party is going to take on movie theater concession prices? No free market at work there. I bet that’s what candy costs in Europe.
Why does C# require a break for the default condition of a case statement? What exactly am I breaking from at that point? Illogical!
I’m tired of C#. I miss pointers. Data in random memory locations, you will dance and do my bidding!
If the Glenn Beck boycott gets advertisers to pull from all news shows and throws Olbermann off the air, that would be the funniest thing ever.
You can’t make the government religiously significant without pulling religion down towards government’s insignificance.
My new nickname everyone agreed on: Awesomeator. It’s a combination of “Awesome” and “Terminator.”
Obama promised he’d lose us the war in Iraq, but I guess liberals will just have to settle on us losing in Afghanistan.
I guess I should wait 24 hours before I really lay into Ted Kennedy (well, more so Massachusetts for reelecting him), so let’s try to have good memories about him right now. Best I can do is an old In My World that featured him: Ride of the Warmongerers. And try and think of something nice to say about Ted for the comments (no joke). Think of it as a challenge.
Some people are working on robot fish farms. They’ll swim around the oceans full of fish, helping the fish live more naturally while still keeping them in cage. Now, I’m not sure how a robot full of fish swimming around the ocean will take over the world, I just know they’re going to try.
They will certainly make odd Aquaman villains at least.
Cheney has finally gotten his memos showing he’s right that making terrorists very uncomfortable get information, but the Obama administration is still planning a probe to decide whether to prosecute people in the CIA for the methods they use. Personally, I don’t care what they do to someone if he’s a terrorist… or a terrorist sympathizer… or someone who hangs around a lot of terrorists like someone from the Middle East.
So what are the Enhanced Interrogation Methods the CIA uses? I will tell you:
ENHANCED INTERROGATION METHOD
* They shake a cat in front of a terrorist yelling, “Look at how we’re shaking this cat! Tell us what we’ll know or we’ll keep shaking this cat!”
* They flush a Koran down the toilet and then make the terrorist unclog the toilet because that doesn’t work too well.
* They let them watch American Idol’s results show right up until the reveal of who’s leaving, and then turn it off.
* During the questioning, all the CIA agents eat lots of tasty tasty bacon and the terrorists can’t have any.
* Their families are threatened, such as a vow to send their daughters to school.
* They ask the terrorist if he likes apples. If he answers in the affirmative, he is punched in the nads. “How about them apples!”
* Mandatory Muhammad cartoon drawing class. If you’re cartoon isn’t funnier than today’s Family Circus, it’s a beating.
* They threaten to splice their genes to give them a curly pig tail.
* They Let in an ACLU lawyer to check on whether the terrorists rights are being violated, then they beat up the lawyer in front of the terrorists saying, “This is what will happen to you if you don’t talk!”
* Al Gore is invited to give a slide show. Only excuse to get out of it is that you’re busy confessing terrorist plans.
* Not sure what exactly the final method entails, but it involves five minutes alone with Dick Cheney, a phone book, and a bottle of Vodka.
I get to sit back and let everyone else do the work this week.
Meanwhile, pass ‘em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.
NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.
Also from blarg:
From Cynthia of A Conservative Lesbian:
From Peregrine John 1:
From Peregrine John 2:
From Peregrine John 3:
From Peregrine John 4:
This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:
#1: When creating lolbama! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.
#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.
MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.
STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.
Send your submissions to email@example.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.
I was thinking, a lot of stand up comedians get accused of stealing jokes. The thing is, they’ll steal a joke, put a little variation to it to fit with their act. If their variation is no good, it dies there, but if is good then others will see it and steal the joke as well. Then they’ll add a little variation and process repeats. Eventually all the variations added into a joke from it being constantly stolen will result in a completely different joke.
Anyway, my theory is that all jokes are stolen from some knock-knock joke a caveman told thousands of years ago.
I thought Obama was vacationing in Martha’s Vineyard, so why does he have those Mickey Mouse ears on?
It would be neat if Obama vacationed at Disney World and then they renamed the Mickey Mouse ears as Obama ears.
Where do you go to get over an addiction to rehab?
If we replaced all liberals with giggling schoolgirls, we’d significantly macho up the country.
I think “death panel” would be a good name for a revolver.
Man, I’m feeling tired. When you fire energy blasts out your eyes, it really drains you.
Anthropologists a thousand years from now will have plenty of time to figure out the root causes of terrorism. We’re too busy.
Showed the RiffTrax of Raiders of the Lost Ark to my dad and he liked it just fine except for the guys talking over the movie.
Cracked has a list of the most embarrassing failures in terrorism. That reminds me of how after 9/11 it felt like a certainty that we’d have more attacks in America. If someone didn’t care whether he lived or died, it seems so easy to kill a bunch of people in this country. There are so many crowded places you can go with no one checking anyone for weapons. It ends up terrorists are even dumber than we thought, though… or maybe Bush’s little laugh made them all crazy stupid just like it did liberals.
Anyway, if your god really wanted you to blow up infidels and take over the world by force, you’d think he’d use his god powers to make his followers not the biggest losers in the world. Not questioning Allah’s methods; I’m just saying.
Obama is on vacation, so it’s the perfect time to mess with his stuff and play jokes on him:
* Reprogram his teleprompters to automatically translate everything to Klingon.
* Replace all his spending bills with spending cuts. When he gets back he’ll be like, “What?! The deficit has gone down instead of up? Something as gone horribly wrong!”
* Replace the Democrat congressmen with people from the insane asylum and see how long it takes him to notice. “There’s Pelosi going on about people-faced spiders again. You tell those townhall protesters!”
* Schedule Biden for a primetime press conference. Don’t give him a teleprompter and tell him to speak off the cuff.
* Put rattlesnakes in all his desk drawers. He’ll be like, “Ow! A snakebite! I’ll just open this drawer to get the anti-venom… Aieee! Another snake! Enough is enough! I have had it with these wee-weed snakes on this wee-weed desk!”
* Invade a country while he’s gone. Man will he be surprised when he gets back!
* Instead of flying him back home, fly him to France and see how long it takes him to notice. “Wow, people are more accepting of my socialist positions than I thought!”
* Edit his Saul Alinksy’s Rules for Radicals book to include a rule that you should talk like a pirate.
* Don’t let him in the White House when he gets back telling him we found his Kenyan birth certificate which made McCain president who was so shocked that he immediately had a heart attack… so guess who’s president now!
They now have a rehab center for internet addiction. I’m against this. If anyone ever tells you that you should visit IMAO less, he is a bad bad man. I want you to report him to us immediately so we can egg his house. You can never visit IMAO too many times.
Hey, I wonder if I just put up a funny new post? You better refresh to see if I did. Just keep refreshing until something new appears.
NY Gov. Paterson is blaming his problems on his race? He’s blind; how can he even be sure what race he is?
So how many politicians out there have this backwards view that everyone is out to keep black people down?
I am being naive? Are some of you out there trying to keep the black man down? If so, stop it!
Whitewater rafting is fun as long as you don’t mind getting splashed. I don’t think our cats would like it.
That’s right. I go whitewater rafting. I’m not some geeky computer nerd. I’m a badass.
dum stoopid heelbilly neocon jues! y u no want free helth cair? how dum stoopid can u bee?
y u so racist agenst obama? is it cuz hees black an ur a dum stoopid? u racist astrotruf dum stoopid angree mobs! u only agenst helth cair cuz u paid off by insurance companees to be racist agenst helth cair. u no even no wut u talk about! u listen to queen dum stoopid sarah palin about death panels. she make dat up out of her stoopid brain. no such thing. she so dum stoopid dat when she go befor helth panel dey weel decide to youthanize her cuz she too dum for guvment to pay for.
y u not listen to obama? y u want bad dum stoopid helth cair ware doctors steel feet and tonsels and giv u expensiv red pill? u too dum too liv if u want dat. helth panel shud decide to youthanize u too!
no. dat too harsh. me sorree. i giv u free check up. me new doctor under helth cair plan. me charg littul an keep cost down. so cum close so i can get a look at u.
uh oh. i see problem. sumting wrong wit ur eyes. it no good. dey have to come out…
Here’s where you can hear from America’s Morning News today. I’m on the second hour about the 28 minute mark. I thought I was okay this time, but I definitely have not mastered the radio appearance.
So it ended up the Lockerbie bomber had terminal cancer. Now, if you have a terrorist expected to die in three month, I see basically five option:
1. Laugh at him like Nelson Muntz.
2. Say you’re giving him chemo, but just give him lots lots of laxatives.
3. Do the merciful thing and strap a bomb to him, launch him in the air with a slingshot, and watch him explode.
4. Let him go back to Libya to be greeted as a hero for his savagery… where he explodes from a bomb hidden inside him.
5. Same as option four but no hidden bomb.
Scotland unfortunately went with option five. I say we declare war on them for extreme stupidity that is an insult to all nations who don’t like murder. If you can’t take terrorists seriously, maybe a war is just what you need to serious you up.
And no more letting you try terrorists. We have giant slingshots and explosives here and are ready to use them.
It would be funny if it’s revealed the Lockerbie Terrorists transport back to Lybia is a catapult. Ha! Gotcha!
I’m not bearing false-witness about Barack Obama! I really saw him cow-tipping last night!
RiffTrax Live was awesome times a million minus nachos.
New Crowder video (with guest star Zo!):
I’m all in favor of Tea Parties (the Taxed Enough Already kind, not the froo-froo, blue-haired, extended-pinky kind), but the folks at Tea Party Express have me scratching my head on their efforts to raise money to support their national bus tour:
“The national tea party tour will be supported by paid television ads that include the tagline: “Ask yourself this, would you be willing to put your own family into the hands of Barack Obama’s socialistic health care plan? [emphasis mine]”
Worst. Tagline. Ever.
A tagline is supposed to be pithy, clever, and/or memorable. Let’s see if we can shine this up a little:
* ObamaCare: Let’s test it out on Congress first.
* So bad, even Canadians would vote against it – if they were American and smarter.
* Like treating a paper cut with lemon juice.
* If you’re kidding, I’m not laughing. If you’re serious, I’m getting my gun.
* Like the Special Olympics or something.
* Even Sarah Palin would support putting this plan in front of a Death Panel.
* Ask yourself this, would you be willing to put your own family into the hands of the people who did Pelosi’s face lift?
* It’ll be just like the Post Office, except “going postal” will be known as “going doctoral”.
* The government will protect your health just like they protected GM & Chrysler.
* Tar. Feathers. Democrats. Some assembly required.
If you’ve got a tagline, drop it in the comments.