Wrath from Hawaii
I like to think I’m a good guy and everybody likes me, but my last column for Pajamas Media got some angry responses. Look at the 150th comment to it from Lance:
Hawaii was stolen at gunpoint from the Queen because the spanish were blocking the caribean islands suger supply. Even in some twisted, sick attempt at humor; calling them ALL liars and suggesting that they were responcible for Pearl Harbor is over the top. My unkle survived that day and I myself am a Marine. I personally know desendants of the rightfull owners of the Islands and will bring this article to their attention as well as their state reps. Expect lawsuits for the owner and all responcible for this site. Free speech is one thing; slandering a whole state is another. You will suffer for this – ALL of you.
Holy shnikeys!
Wait what can Hawaiians do? They’re out on an island in the middle of nowhere. They can’t throw coconuts that far.
(31 votes, average: 4.94 out of 5)
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August 3rd, 2009 at 3:20 pm
What’s an “unkle”?
August 3rd, 2009 at 3:22 pm
Learning how to spell would be a good start…
August 3rd, 2009 at 3:25 pm
Holy “Wish-I-Had-Taken-My-Medication” Batman…
Question of the Week: What exactly is a “shnikey”?
August 3rd, 2009 at 3:26 pm
“Serious” bloggers and commenters need to be rounded up into special camps. They can have cotton candy and masks while there, for all I care… but quite frankly, I’ll take my chances with a pedophile as my neighbor before one of them.
August 3rd, 2009 at 3:27 pm
wow all I can say is wow.
August 3rd, 2009 at 3:28 pm
There’s no way you slandered the whole state! In print its called libel. (Thanks, Spiderman)
August 3rd, 2009 at 3:29 pm
Don’t dismiss Hawaiians as harmless so quickly. They can viciously add multiple and superfluous vowels to your name, rendering it unpronounceable!
August 3rd, 2009 at 3:30 pm
Take responcibility for desendants of caribean suger queens now!
August 3rd, 2009 at 3:30 pm
Besides, everyone knows the Germans attacked Pearl Harbor.
August 3rd, 2009 at 3:32 pm
No Blood For Big Sugar!
August 3rd, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Be prepared for a nasty lawcuit koming!
August 3rd, 2009 at 3:34 pm
Obama is a lawyer from Hawaii. If he is typical of the quality of lawyers coming out of that bananaland, well, I wouldn’t worry much.
August 3rd, 2009 at 3:39 pm
Any state that proudly eats 90% of the Spam produced in the US can’t be civilized enough to use electricity, much less a computer. I’d say you’re safe.
The bigger surprise to me is that anybody reads blog comments, much less to the 150th comment. I always thought the comment’s section was a government conspiracy to give me a false sense of freedom of speech.
August 3rd, 2009 at 3:50 pm
“…What can Hawaiians do?…” 1)They can get all the 350lb. Bruddas and 300 lb. Muumuu Mommas to jump up and down in the ocean and create a tidal wave that takes out Coronado Ca. 2) Their large Asian population can get their former countries to stop sending the USA cheap toys with lead paint 3) They can plant bombs on the Naval ships and subs at Pearl Harbor. 4)They can declare their independence from the United States, like Texas and Alaska. 5)The ethnic Hawaiians can kick out crazy haoles like Lance.( But thank you Lance for your service to country. )
August 3rd, 2009 at 3:55 pm
Unfortunately, Lance is living down to the name Jarhead.
August 3rd, 2009 at 3:59 pm
Wait what can Hawaiians do? They’re out on an island in the middle of nowhere. They can’t throw coconuts that far.
Hey Frank I guess you didn’t hear they got a coconut cannon now. They say it can hit the mainland.
August 3rd, 2009 at 4:03 pm
Pretty sure the HI govt was taken over to prevent it being taken over by some pirate merchants…so the lesser of two evils. I see “Reinstated Hawaiian Nation” bumper stickers on a daily basis and I always wonder “then what?” I suppose we could give it back, but we’ll take what we brought…metal, writing, electricity and…oh ya… the WHEEL. Real advanced culture guys.
Don’t discount coconuts so quickly. They kill more people every year than sharks.
August 3rd, 2009 at 4:14 pm
Here are some Very Important Facts! that you failed to consider, Frank.
1. They don’t even need cannon. Swallows, both African AND European, will be dropping those coconuts on your head. And since everyone knows Hawaiians sit around, smoke pot and train birds all the time instead of having real jobs, you should be very afraid. You WILL suffer; Lance will see to it.
2. I missed the PJ article when it came out so I’m glad I saw it and can set you straight. It’s “levees” not “levies” and it wasn’t Bush who blew them up. It was Dick Cheney. In a ninja suit. He was paid off by Nestle (secretly owned by Halliburton) to arrange things so New Orleans would become a chocolate city, just like Hershey, Pennsylvania.
August 3rd, 2009 at 4:21 pm
I love how America has progressively gotten worse as time has gone on.
America pre-1969:
“Your offended me, but it’s not a big deal, so whatever.”
“You offended me, and it’s a big deal…” *whack*
America post 1969:
“You offended me, but it’s not a big deal, but my lawyer says it is, so I’m suing.”
“You offended me, and it’s a big deal, so I’m suing you and anyone you’re associated with!”
August 3rd, 2009 at 4:32 pm
At first I assumed “unkle” was a misspelling of “uncle.” But what if he was trying to type “ankle” instead? Maybe he’s trying to say that he survived Pearl Harbor but was so badly injured that all that’s left of him is an ankle. I think you should apologize not only to this ankle, Frank, but to the ankles of everyone in Hawaii. Or you could just say, shut up, Hawaiian ankles, or I’ll have the Germans bomb you again.
August 3rd, 2009 at 4:33 pm
A low ha, Frank!!! That’s Hawaian for get bent, I think? Anyway, I’ve seen the TV Show and the only guys in Hawaii with any brains had funny looking suits on (narrow ties and short pants) and one of them always said “book-em Dann’O”… The rest of the native types were either evil-doers or dumber than a box of rocks which explains the response to your post!!! I think they also pray to volcanoes and stuff…booga booga!!!
Some of the babes look ok when they are young, but do they all get fat when they get old?
August 3rd, 2009 at 4:37 pm
Best watch yourself, ’cause they could get Pele….and I don’t mean Pele the Brazilian soccer player….I mean Pele the Hawaiian volcano god….to put a major mojo on yo ass!
August 3rd, 2009 at 5:14 pm
My grandparents and my parents and several of my aunts & “unkles” also survived that day. They we all in Kansas City at the time.
August 3rd, 2009 at 5:18 pm
Wowzers !!!! Who weewee’d in Lance’s cheerios? Last time I saw a post that wigged out was ten minutes ago on DU or Huffpost. Or last night from Olberdouche.
August 3rd, 2009 at 5:19 pm
No justice, no pineapples !! No justice, no pineapples !!
August 3rd, 2009 at 5:32 pm
You need to string that guy along. We could call him The Limey II and sing that song about putting lime in a coconut and drinking it all up and stuff like that.
It’ll be fun.
August 3rd, 2009 at 5:41 pm
Right, buddy. Change history to “Hawaii remains independent” and enjoy becoming a brutally controlled colony of the Japanese or the Russians.
Tool.
August 3rd, 2009 at 6:09 pm
Ruh roh, no mai-tais for The Frnak!
“Hawaii…love the booze, hate the music.” — Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H
August 3rd, 2009 at 6:11 pm
We could have moved our military base out of there and let the Japs have it!!! BWAAAAAA! As I understand history they were a most hospitable conquering force! All Politically Correct and all!!! I’m certain anything would have been better than the evil white round eyes making them become a state through some evil scheme that was cooked up by Halliburten and Dick Cheney’s Grandfather along with Bush I!!!
August 3rd, 2009 at 6:14 pm
I just noticed that there was an earthquake near California. Where do you think I can write an extra check for more taxes so that this NEVER happens again? Someone please let me know…I have a hole burning a check in my pocket! :>)
August 3rd, 2009 at 6:35 pm
Now, now ussJ. Burning Czechs in your pocket increases your carbon footprint.
Doesn’t help Michelle’s children, either.
If Hawaii had a moon, would FrankJ nuke it?
August 3rd, 2009 at 6:55 pm
What about the poi, and the SPAM steaks, and the plate lunches, the shaved ice, ohh whoo is me, frank please take it all back, i dont want Lance and his unkles to take that all away
August 3rd, 2009 at 7:11 pm
ROFLMFAO
This has to be the BEST post and comments section in a long while. I haven’t shed this many happy tears since Ol’ Yeller died.
BTW, #3, a shnikey is a monkey drinking a Shiner.
August 3rd, 2009 at 7:46 pm
Screw Hawaii what have they ever done for us, so far they eat all the SPAM and gave us Obama the lying Hawaiian.
August 3rd, 2009 at 7:52 pm
But where will we play the Pro Bowl now??? No, Lance, no! We’re sorry!
August 3rd, 2009 at 8:10 pm
Thanks! I wasn’t sure if anyone was going to answer that age-old question for me. ‘preciate it.
Umm.. he needs to get his timeline straightened out. The English are the ones who invaded Hawaii in 1843.
The Reciprocity Treaty of 1875 (which gave the US exclusive contract to Hawaiian Sugar production) wasn’t until the last of the Kamehameha line died in 1872. Queen Lili’uokalani, when she ascended the thrown in 1893 tried to strip all non-native Hawaiians of their duly protected Constitutional Rights (Hawaiian Constitution, not US). This spawned the “Committee of Safety” movement which led to the eventual downfall of the Hawaiian monarchy and eventual annexation of Hawaii.
So all that to say… the Hawaiian monarchy was overthrown in much the same way as the British monarchy was tossed out of the colonies. Not from greed, but because of rights infringement. The sugar trade was already firmly established for 18 years by this point.
August 3rd, 2009 at 8:11 pm
(forgot to add this…) source
August 3rd, 2009 at 9:07 pm
Jeez. Lance needs to loosen up a little and not take it so personally.
Do what we here in Texas do when people start poking fun at us. Just sit back, laugh, and reflect on the fact that we really are better than everyone else.
August 3rd, 2009 at 9:37 pm
what the hell add my name to the list of people responsible for this site. Lance can kiss my a$$. I didn’t think they let whiny douche bags like Lance in the Marines
August 3rd, 2009 at 9:40 pm
@13 Big Richard Small,
I did not read your comment. And I’m not going to.
August 3rd, 2009 at 9:54 pm
Like Tim, I was intrigued (Yes! Intrigued!) by the referrence to Hawaiian history. So I did what any good person does and I went over to:
Wikipedia!
Here is what I found:
1) Hawaii was invaded by France in 1849. Shows you how tough Hawaiians are.
2) Hawaiians love revolutions. They had about 32 of them in the 1800’s.
3) The US occupied Hawaii to stop all the silly revolutions.
4) Hawaiians have been angry about that ever since.
5) The US House introduced an “Apology Bill” in 1993 to placate the Hawaiians. The bill basically said “Shut up. We own you now. Suckas!” Or something like that.
6) The name of the Hawaiian state fish is utterly unpronounceable: Humuhumunukunukuapuaʻa. It was apparently named after a bizarre Hawaiian sex practice. Notice the “huma huma” followed immediately by the “nuku nuku”. Dead giveaway.
7) The entry says nothing about BirtherGate. They are hiding something.
Armed with this new knowledge I came back here and reread Lance’s comment. And I still have no clue what he is talking about. . .
August 3rd, 2009 at 10:13 pm
Why the moderation? all I did was to volunteer myself as a co-defendant
August 3rd, 2009 at 10:14 pm
and call Lance a douche bag
August 3rd, 2009 at 10:15 pm
AGAIN?
August 3rd, 2009 at 10:37 pm
That comment by “Lance” is the funniest dang thing I have read in a long time. I keep reading it over and over in awe and wonder. The ending is what gives it so much pizzazz, I think.
I can’t shake the feeling that it was planted by FrankJ on purpose. Either that, or someone out there is quite the prankster. Harvey, I’m looking at you.
August 3rd, 2009 at 10:57 pm
Wait! Hawaii is a STATE? Seriously? What for?
August 3rd, 2009 at 11:00 pm
MikeLL,
That’s all very interesting, but where is the reference to the most important event to ever take place in Hawaii’s history: Bobby Brady finding the tiki statue in the cave.
August 3rd, 2009 at 11:27 pm
ROFL #45, I was wondering when someone was gonna make a Brady reference.
August 3rd, 2009 at 11:28 pm
P.S. And Bobby found the tiki statue at Mike’s construction site, not in a cave. Bobby and his brothers were held captive by Vincent Price in a cave.
August 3rd, 2009 at 11:34 pm
Wikipedia makes no mention of that. So, it didn’t happen.
Also, I don’t own a construction site in Hawaii.
August 3rd, 2009 at 11:46 pm
NunyaB,
You are right, I stand corrected. He found the idol at the construction site, but then returned it to its righful place in the burial ground cave to end his string of bad luck.
August 4th, 2009 at 12:34 am
I am thinking………. the word marine in lances post is another example of his mispelling. I think he intended to write that he was a former moron……
August 4th, 2009 at 12:45 am
My unkle plays the ukulele.
August 4th, 2009 at 1:52 am
MikeLL – Revolutions were very popular. The most popular one is still celebrated today when King Kamehameha “united” the islands (seriously, banks and schools close in his honor). He “united” the islands very much the same way Hitler “united” Europe – by slaughtering all those who opposed him, including members of his own family.
August 4th, 2009 at 3:00 am
Don’t forget teh interwebs!
If we give Hawaii back, does that mean that even if Obama was born there he wouldn’t be a natural born citizen? I guess that might violate that whole ex post facto thing, but who honestly cares about what the Constitution says nowadays?
I say we force Hawaii to secede, then we dump the entire Obama administration (along with Pelosi, Reid, and the rest of the liberal lunatics) onto the island. Then they can have their own country to wreak havoc upon while they leave the real Americans to govern America.
August 4th, 2009 at 6:56 am
We already apologized for stealing Hawaii, by act of congress. I say we give it back, less expenses incurred. I figure those decendants can cough about 2 trillion and we’ll call it even!
August 4th, 2009 at 8:40 am
Anyone realize that Lance rhymes with Nance? Just sayin’…
August 4th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
Next time just say “Everyone in Hawaii is a liar, except for one person.”
Then if you get sued, just say “that’s the guy I was talking about not being a liar.”
Foolproof.
August 6th, 2009 at 1:41 am
“ware the coconuts,, for they shall coe at inoportune times”
August 6th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
OK, you want my honest opinion on this matter?
You are BOTH very much wrong on this issue. However, you were just being silly, and this guy is being kooky. Let me deconstruct this:
“Hawaii was stolen at gunpoint from the Queen”
No real objection.
“because the spanish were blocking the caribean islands suger supply.”
BZZZTTTTT! Wrong. Yes, the sugar supply was an issue, but it was mainly an issue with the BRITISH and FRENCH, not with the Spanish. And by the time the islands were annexed during the war of 1898, any obstacle the Spanish and their German “invisible allies” posed to access to anything in the Carribean had been largely removed with the liberation of Cuba and Puerto Rico and the destruction of the Spanish Atlantic and Pacific fleets.
In reality, it had more to do with realpolitik: there was the fear that the Hawaiian Islands could serve as a VERY useful base for the Germans, the Russians, or even the British.
“Even in some twisted, sick attempt at humor; calling them ALL liars and suggesting that they were responcible for Pearl Harbor is over the top.”
Sorry Frank, but I’m going to agree with him on this part.
“My unkle survived that day and I myself am a Marine.”
Now, there are a few trillion problems with taking his word on this matter, but for the sake of the argument, I’m going to overlook my doubts.
So, if he is a Marine and is called in to Hawaii to suppress a violent Nationalist/Separatist revolt against the Federal government, which will take precedence, his sympathy for the Hawaiians, or his oath to America? If the former, he is not fit to be called a Marine.
“I personally know desendants of the rightfull owners of the Islands and will bring this article to their attention as well as their state reps.”
OK, NOW he is just being completely stupid. Even if he DOES know the Hawaiian Royals, he is either bluffing or being an idiot if he thinks lawsuits could result from this. It is CLEARLY a work of satire, and given the lack of clear ill-intent, this has no grounds. And honestly, even if he IS in a position to talk to the Hawaiian Monarchy’s lawyers, do you think they will do anything else other than laugh out loud?
“Expect lawsuits for the owner and all responcible for this site. Free speech is one thing; slandering a whole state is another. You will suffer for this – ALL of you.”
Yes Don Quixote, charge the windmills of IMAO in the name of justice for the Hawaiian Royalty and Hawaii’s rightful heirs.
Just don’t come crying to us when you are unable to make good on your bluster.