Obama Signals Willingness to Negotiate With Wildfires

Posted on September 2, 2009 10:00 am

WASHINGTON (AP) – In response to reports of deaths and widespread property damage allegedly caused by so-called “wildfires” in California, President Obama said that he wanted to the let the more moderate and peace-loving flames know that “America is willing to negotiate without pre-conditions”.

Flames – why do they heat us?

“First,” said Obama, “let’s dispense with the reckless, insulting terminology of the previous administration. There is no ‘war on fire‘. There is only a ‘California Contingency Operation‘. While we still seek the defeat of the radical combustionist faction, Al Qindle, we also believe that we can seek common ground with other, less conflagrationist elements on a reasonable degree of self-sustaining oxidation that all sides can agree to.”

During an recent interview on Fox News, former Vice President Dick Cheney dismissed Obama’s call for peace as “the pussified wee-wee-uppings of a limp-wristed man-girl” and defended the Bush administration’s use of “enhanced extinguishing techniques”, saying that “if you pour a little water on these burning bastards, they’ll give it up faster than a drunken cheerleader on prom night.”

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs dismissed Cheney’s criticism as “the senile ramblings of a skin-scalped goblin whose hobbies include shooting his friends in the face for fun”, and insisted that any criticism of the President’s position indicated racial bias.

“These radical right-wing ‘fire-haters’ are disparaging areas of our country where a lot of things are now black. You don’t have to be Sherlock Holmes to figure out why they REALLY hate that part of the country.”

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24 Responses to “Obama Signals Willingness to Negotiate With Wildfires”

  1. Live Free Or Die says:

    Fire will never be satisfied. Appeasement to Fire’s demands will only empower Fire to greater encroachment. I’m told that Fire has a Scorched Earth Policy.

  2. Socrates H. O'Troll says:

    The fire is merely expressing its frustration over years of imperialist domination at the hands of arrogant water-based beings. Fire may seem to be just the glow given off when gaseous byproducts of a simple chemical reaction effervesce. But we should probably apologize to it anyway, and offer reparations just to be safe.

  3. zzyzx says:

    What this country obviously needs is a ‘Wildfire Czar’.

  4. Karen says:

    It’s about time someone did an honest and soul-searching report on the plight of Fire-Americans. They march across California for their freedom and what happens? We turn the firehoses on them, just like in the civil rights era.

  5. Socrates H. O'Troll says:


    You know what killed Michael Jackson?

    He was struck by lightening.

  6. Zog says:

    I discover fire…..fire good.

  7. MarkoMancuso says:

    For too long we have praised these “firefighters”. Shame on us.

  8. nightfly says:

    Fire is tired of being a second-class citizen, kept in your fireplaces and school-rally bonfires. The great majority of fire is law-abiding and marshmallow-toasting, and gets a bad name from a few bad fires here and there. FAIR (Flame-American Inter-Relations) stands for equal rights and freedoms for Fire AND for people. We oppose the term “fighting fires” since it leads to a backlash against any stray flame in an untended campfire, burning cross, or molotov cocktail tossed by a mob. We already see children taught this bias from an early age, as they are warned not to touch hot stoves or play with matches.

    Extinguish Firism, not fires!

  9. Obama Signals Willingness to Negotiate With Wildfires without pre-conditions « Are you Freaking Stupid? links:

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  10. Ian says:

    I heard that he was going to bow to the fires, but the media wasn’t going to call it a bow, just that he was stooping over

  11. cjtony97 says:

    What are you gonna do, extinguish every flame in the United States? I don’t think so. I think its high time we embraced the flames………..and give them free healthcare.

  12. Veeshir says:

    (I’m leaving this comment even though Karen already won the thread)

    So, how long before Al Gore tries to shake down California for some carbon credits because of this?

  13. storm1911 says:

    Karen ABSOLOUTLY won the thread. Great post, Harvey. I wish Cheney had worded his thougths a bit more like that.

    Barbey Frank and Barack Obama (and his mom jeans) has come out in support of the flaming faggots under siege in California. They are pleading we don’t hose down the flamers.

  14. TerribleTroy says:

    I agree… we should charge and try all Firefighters…. they are nothing but paid jackbooted fire repressionists! Amazingly enough they have the unmitigated gall to act as if they are “proud” of thier behavior…….I dont want to live in a world where we cant live in equality with fire. When I think of all the times my bic lighter has been by my side….. well…….Im just ashamed at the way we are acting….

  15. Socrates H. O'Troll says:

    Obama Signals Willingness to Negotiate With White Flag


  16. JavelinaBomb says:

    I heard firefighters were blowing second hand smoke in fire’s face in order to get him to talk! Terrorists!

  17. Live Free Or Die says:

    The World Wildfire Federation seeks your tax deductible donations for the preservation of wildfire worldwide. Wildfires are native to every continent except Antarctica, and yet humans continually seek the eradication of wildfire worldwide. World Wildfire Federation is dedicated to the preservation of wildfires, and reintroduction of wildfire to it’s natural environment where it has been eradicated. W.W.F. also lobbies State and Federal Legislatures for policies favorable to wildfire. Won’t you give today?

  18. Dohtimes says:

    Veeshir is right of course. Karen is the Martin Luther Zing of the sizzle rights movement. Lot of close seconds though.

  19. Son of Bob says:

    Well, once Obama withdraws the firefighters, then the fires will stop. We’re only creating more fires by sending firefighters in.

  20. Herpules says:

    If the flames don’t like how they’re being treated, they should go back to Afirica.

  21. Bob Belvedere says:

    I’ll tell ya: that Gibbs clown really burns my butt [frankly, I think he’s a real flamer IYKWIM].

    Quoted from and linked to at:

  22. IMAO » Blog Archive » Obama to Enter Diplomatic Talks with Wildfires links:

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