WASHINGTON (AP) – In response to reports of deaths and widespread property damage allegedly caused by so-called “wildfires” in California, President Obama said that he wanted to the let the more moderate and peace-loving flames know that “America is willing to negotiate without pre-conditions”.
“First,” said Obama, “let’s dispense with the reckless, insulting terminology of the previous administration. There is no ‘war on fire‘. There is only a ‘California Contingency Operation‘. While we still seek the defeat of the radical combustionist faction, Al Qindle, we also believe that we can seek common ground with other, less conflagrationist elements on a reasonable degree of self-sustaining oxidation that all sides can agree to.”
During an recent interview on Fox News, former Vice President Dick Cheney dismissed Obama’s call for peace as “the pussified wee-wee-uppings of a limp-wristed man-girl” and defended the Bush administration’s use of “enhanced extinguishing techniques”, saying that “if you pour a little water on these burning bastards, they’ll give it up faster than a drunken cheerleader on prom night.”
White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs dismissed Cheney’s criticism as “the senile ramblings of a skin-scalped goblin whose hobbies include shooting his friends in the face for fun”, and insisted that any criticism of the President’s position indicated racial bias.
“These radical right-wing ‘fire-haters’ are disparaging areas of our country where a lot of things are now black. You don’t have to be Sherlock Holmes to figure out why they REALLY hate that part of the country.”