Archive for September, 2009
Between March 24th and November 9th, 1993, Micheal Williams of the Minnesota Timberwolves sank 97 straight freethrows, setting an NBA record.
That sort of phenomenal precision in hitting a mark remained unsurpassed until September 23rd, 2009, when President Barack Obama managed to smile exactly the same way 130 consecutive times.
I stand in awe of this man’s physical prowess.
With the Glenn Beck controversy over whether he boiled a frog alive (Oh no! Not a frog!), I think it should be mentioned in defense of frogs that they will eventually jump out of water if you gradually raise the heat on them and not just sit there until they’re boiled alive. Think about it: If you enter a room that’s really hot, you’ll immediately turn on the A/C or a fan. If you’re in a room that isn’t hot but the temperature is gradually raised, eventually you say, “This is too hot” and turn on the A/C or a fan. Frogs aren’t any different; they jump out of boiling water and if started in lukewarm water will also jump out eventually when the temperature is raised. Still, we tell a lie about them because we think it makes a great political analogy. The same happens to lemmings and ostriches who don’t mindlessly run off cliffs and don’t hide their head in the sand when there is danger; if they actually did either, they’d be extinct. Still, these falsehoods prevail because of their potential as political analogies for people we don’t like.
“So what? They’re just stupid animals; we can tell whatever lies we want about them. We have thumbs.”
You say that now, but what if they get sick of it, knock you down in an alleyway, and eat your eyeballs. That’s what animals do. That’s why you must always respect mother nature… unless you’re good with a gun. Then you can do what you want.
The U.N. is pushing for nuclear disarmament again, and just for the record, I am completely for that. If we can get the whole world to dispose of nuclear weapons, that will make the few we secretly keep that much more powerful. Think of America being the only country with nuclear weapons again; we could do whatever we want and boss all the other countries around. And who would stop us? We could nuke anybody we want without worries.
So support disarmament; strategically it will be very useful if we play along.
Michael Moore has a new movie coming out in which he’ll capitalistically make money off of gullible liberals’ hatred of capitalism. It would be cheap in response to just make fun of Michael Moore’s size, but it’s Friday and I don’t feel like thinking. So let’s pretend we’re writing an article about Michael Moore and we want to come up with a bunch of descriptive names for him so we don’t just keep calling him “Michael Moore”. Here I go:
DESCRIPTIVE NAMES FOR MICHAEL MOORE
* “the fat filmmaker”
* “the dumpy director”
* “the corpulent con-artist”
* “the rotund raconteur”
* “the flabby fabricator”
* “the blubbery blunderbuss”
* “the lard-filled liar”
* “the pudgy prevaricator”
* “the tubby tale-teller”
* “the hippo-like hypocrite”
* “fatty fatty fat fat”
Liberals: “Republicans rhetoric is inciting people to murder! We must stop them any way we can, including murder!”
You shouldn’t be allowed to have “and” in your country name. Trinidad & Tobago sounds more like a buddy cop film than a nation.
Andrew Breitbart is looking less viking-like these days. I don’t like it.
I’m sure you know about the video of school children being taught a song that praises Barack Obama. It’s been reported by several news outlets.
So, what do authorities of B. Bernice Young Elementary School in Burlington, NJ, say? School superintendent says the problem was … that someone videotaped it:
Superintendent Christopher Manno said in a written statement Thursday that the taping itself was out of order, but failed to address whether the the lesson was approved. “The recording and distribution of the class activity were unauthorized,” he wrote in a note to parents and the media.
Read that again.
He doesn’t say anything about public school students — that’s a school funded by your tax dollars, both New Jersey state taxes as well as federal funds from the Department of Education — being taught to sing the praises of Dear Leader. No, the problem is that someone taped it.
You see, now there’s evidence of it.
Think about it.
If someone told you about this story, would you believe it? You might think it’s one of Harvey’s Fake News stories. You’d be saying, “Heh. That’s a good one, Harvey. It’s almost like something that would happen.”
Only, it happened.
They can’t deny it. Because it was videotaped. And is on the YouTube.
And that’s how the left is: “The problem isn’t what we did, it’s that you found out what we did.”
Maybe that’s the way to handle things. That’s how they are handling the ACORN scandal: officials looking into charges over videotaping of illegal ACORN activity instead of the illegal ACORN activity.
I wonder how far this attitude could go. Or how well it would have worked in the past…
- Ted Kennedy: The problem isn’t that Mary Jo Kopechne died, it’s that you found out about it.
- Richard Nixon: The problem isn’t that I tried to cover up my staff’s involvement with the break-in at the Watergate, it’s that you found out about it.
- Jeffrey Dahmer: The problem isn’t that I murdered 17 people and ate parts of some of them, it’s that you found out about it.
- That guy getting the ticket on the Interstate last week: The problem isn’t that I was traveling 25 miles an hour over the posted limit, it’s that you found out about it.
- The guy that spit in your food at the Waffle House: The problem isn’t that I spit in your food, it’s that you found out about it.
I wonder how many other ways this attitude could be used to excuse things?
I think Thomas Frank is trying to destroy the Democratic Party. First, he told Democrats to take on the “liberty” issue and argue that the slavery of big government is a special kind of freedom. Now he’s in the WSJ again arguing that Democrats should give up the name-calling (the one thing they’re good at) and argue health care on the principles which would be death for them.
It’s pretty much in American DNA to reject liberal’s principles, and thus pretty much the only thing liberals have going for them is they never state explicitly what they actually believe which pretty much comes down to “You’re stupid and shouldn’t be able to make your own choices.” That’s why pretty much every liberals used to interacting in regular society knows to hold their tongue about what they actually think, often arguing the opposite (i.e., “You people need more choices; that’s why we want the public option.”). If liberals actually argued on the principles for what they truly believe, they’d be run out of town with pitchforks.
Why do want harm to come to Democrats, Thomas Frank? Are you really this naive a liberal, or are you some plot from the right-wing WSJ? If it weren’t for me having the attention span of a coke-snorting squirrel, I’d get to the bottom of this.
So, judging by the viewing stats, the Four Words From Obama video I made seemed fairly popular. So I fiddled around with doing a complete Lightning Round from the Fred Thompson show:
Wondering if I should lose the intro & trim the end, since they don’t add much entertainment value, or if it’s better to keep the whole segment intact?
Arnold Schwarzenegger tweeted this yesterday:
I hear a lot of stories about the creative ways people are making it through hard times, starting businesses, etc. Tell me your stories.
Well, here are some of the creative ideas I’ve heard from some of my friends:
* Growing illegal narcotics.
* Bank robbery.
* Dog-fighting ring.
* Photocopying money on high-quality color photocopier.
* Sending unsolicited e-mail to millions of people advertising cheap prescription drugs.
* Murdering hobos and selling their organs.
* Threatening to set off all the world’s volcano’s with a nuclear weapon unless given one million dollars.
* Spending hundred of billions of dollars on random crap (yeah, I’m friends with Barack Obama; he’s a nice guy if you get to know him).
So what creative ways are you using to get through hard times?
To a post entitled “Fun Facts About Mexico” that Harvey wrote back on May 9th. Name used was “angry”:
wtf why are u dissing the obamas
Why indeed. Welcome to the internets, angry.
Christopher Andersen’s new book, “Barack and Michelle: Portrait of an American Marriage“, exposed numerous previously undisclosed secrets about President Barack Obama. Here’s just a tiny sample:
* He isn’t actually black. He’s off-umber.
* Didn’t “pal around” with Bill Ayers, having never been officially promoted beyond “comic-relief sidekick”.
* Despite all the rumors swirling around, he really WAS the first black Czar of the Harvard Law Review.
* Mindless of the threat to national security, never – ever – even once, has he coughed into his elbow.
* Didn’t propose to Michelle until three years after he met her because he was saving up for a downpayment on a teleprompter.
* Tragically, he inherited his basketball skills from his mother’s side.
* Diagnosed with PTSD after killing that fly.
* Doesn’t understand those “secret Muslim” accusations, since five times every day he faces Mecca, kneels on his mat, and prays to Jesus.
* While negotiating with Hillary Clinton to end her primary campaign, got her to settle for the Secretary of State position instead of her original demand of “taking Bill on a tour of Chappaquiddick”.
* Once had a clogged sink full of dirty water. Bailed it out. Been a big fan ever since.
Anyone else who’s read the book, feel free to fill in anything I missed.
That Qaddafi guy is a conspiracy-loving nutjob. I wonder if he’d be interested in the Green Jobs Czar position?
Before the U.N., crazed dictators had to just satisfy themselves by ranting into the mirror
Does the U.N. really need to give crazy people an international platform to rant? Can’t they just get a blog now?
I think most of our societal ills can be traced to when the public decided it was morally okay to go outside hatless.
I wonder if lemmings will ever decide to sue humans for defamation of character; they could be joined by the ostrich and the “boiling” frog. “I don’t care if we make great political analogies! It’s just not true!”
I like Obama today. I guess it’s seeing Qaddafi and Dinnerjacket; Obama seems like George Washington in comparison. Perspective is good.
Anyone who exaggerates is like Hitler times a million.
I’m no C3PO, but I’ll bet this gesture is considered obscene in a lot of backwards countries that don’t speak English.
Have you seen the video of the school children being taught to sing a song praising the leader of their country?
No, not in North Korea.
No, not in Mao’s China.
No, not in Saddam’s Iraq.
No, not in Hitler’s Germany.
But in the United States, in this day and time…
I wish this was a joke.
The good news? It is. If you voted for Obama. Because if you voted for Obama, the joke’s on you.
A penny saved is pretty pointless. Pennies are worthless. You’ll get much more value out of them chucking them at squirrels.
A liberal blogger pointed out what we all basically knew, that Democrats only supported the war in Afghanistan out of political calculation. So all that talk of Bush going to war for less than honorable intentions was really just projection.
But if Democrats don’t even honestly support a war when America was directly attacked, when would they ever approve of a war? Well, looking at when liberals legitimately get angry, here are things that could motivate them to start a war:
* Asking a tough question of president Obama.
* Giving aid or comfort to an attractive woman who is a conservative.
* Questioning how smart they actually are.
* Putting a plastic bottle in with regular trash.
* Suggestions of America’s exceptionalism.
* Being mean to terrorist masterminds.
* Mentions of God.
* Pointing out the extreme liberal bias in the media.
* Israel defending itself.
* Disagreeing with them. On anything.
Every time there’s a flashback to guy driving a car, he’s always listening to a song from that year. No oldies stations in the past?
Is there an industry with higher income disparity than acting? What’s the average income there versus the top earners
Scribblenauts is fun. I had Cthulhu kill a hippie. Then I shot him with a rocket launcher.
Rich Galen of Mullings observed:
If a Republican were the Secretary of Health & Human Services and, as part of the national effort to control swine flu had given the advice to “cough into your elbow” that would have been the national joke for the ensuing six weeks.
And he’s absolutely right.
Comedically speaking, there’s no difference between “plastic wrap & duct tape” and “cough into your elbow”. They’re both serious advice for real problems that can be very easily taken out of context.
“Where are you more likely to hear the phrase ‘plastic wrap & duct tape’: a Department of Homeland Security Briefing, or an episode of Dexter?”
“Overheard in the Clinton Oval Office: ‘I wouldn’t have been impeached if I’d done that into my elbow'”
Anyway, I encourage people to reduce this administration to a tasteless punchline whenever possible, so make today “_______ your elbow” day.
To get you started, I recommend adding the phrase “in your elbow” after every fortune cookie fortune you read. For example:
* “You find beauty in ordinary things, do not lose this ability.”
* “Your everlasting patience will be rewarded sooner or later.”
* “Something you lost will soon turn up.”
* “A pleasant surprise is in store for you.”
* “You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.”
* “Look for new outlets for your own creative abilities.”
* “Smiling often can make you look and feel younger.”
* “You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.”
* “A thrilling time is in your immediate future.”
* “Plan for many pleasures ahead.”
* “A secret admirer will soon send a sign of affection.”
* “Love always and deeply.”
As always, leave your elbow-mockery in the comments.