The economy should eventually improve, but we all might be enslaved by apes by the time it happens.

I will be on the View tomorrow at 11am ET. No, wait, that was just a nightmare.

What separates man from animal? Hats.

I hope before the White House staff gives Joe Biden toys they make sure none of them are a choking hazard.

So are the French for drugging and sodomizing 13-year-olds? If so, I hope the State Department issues some sort of travel warning.

What exactly is Obama supposed to talk to General McCrystal about? McCrystal doesn’t watch Grey’s Anatomy.

The more I read about Polanski’s crime, the more I move from “he’s suffered enough” towards “chuck him in the incinerator.”

Well, here’s Mr. Williams’ house. I hope I have better luck now than I did all those years ago.

And thank you for coming along, Mr. Hope. The boss says I need to have you with me.

I don’t think I’m the “hope” he was talking about.

I thank you for coming along anyway. Here goes.

Knock! Knock!

Why, if it isn’t Bob Hope and … You! What are you doing here! Oh, don’t tell me. You want a cookie. Well, you’re not going to get one! Not now…

Oh, no, Mr. Williams. I’m not begging for a cookie. The president hired me to ask you for your health care.

My health care? I’m 81 years old! Why would I give up my health care?

The president sent me to ask for it. He wants to take over everyone’s health care. Can the president have your health care, Mr. Williams? Please?

No! Absolutely not.

In fact, you get away from my door right now and don’t ever come back! Not you … not the president … no one is going to take my health care. Not now. Not ever! NEVER!

SLAM!

THUNK!

You know, if enough people do that, the president’s health care plan will need end-of-life counseling.

Never listen to naysayers; they might just be horses. And if they ask for a shrubbery, they might actually be ni-sayers.

I was thinking I should shake things up. So what I really need is some sort of issue I can obsess and go crazy over, lashing out and banning every one who disagrees with me until I end up on the left-wing. Problem is, I’m generally apathetic about everything. Still, here’s a few ideas for issues for me to constantly post about until I drive every one away:

* Despite what people on the internet contend, realistically pirates would beat ninjas.

* The stegosaurus is the greatest dinosaur.

* Though the heated rhetoric doesn’t concern me, it’s cheap — and possibly racist — to make fun of the president’s ears.

* Godfather III is not as bad as people say.

* Every second we’re not building asteroid defense we’re stupid dummies who deserve to die.

* A peanut really is a nut.

* Iran and Iraq should be united as one country called Iranq.

* ‘E’ can go before ‘I’ whenever the hell it feels like.

* I don’t like monkeys.

Any other ideas?

In my latest Pajamas Media column, I give advice on how to make conservatives less angry.

So should we start a pool on what country is going to get nuked first or which country going to first do the nuking?

Know what would be the quickest way to get rid of lots of nuclear weapons? A worldwide nuclear war.

All Michael Moore really needs is a good hug… except he’s too fat for anyone to get their arms around him so thus he is.

I wonder if the evil-universe version of me always wears a hat.

Dave Barry on free speech on college campuses:

A heartwarming story of a boy stopping a burglar:

Little Boy Heroically Shoots, Mutilates Burglar

You’ve seen, I’m sure, the video montage showing Barack Obama’s amazingly consistent smile.

And, as Harvey said, it’s amazing. Or creepy. Or something.

But, IMAO’s Frank J. has a similar talent, as this video shows…

[YouTube link]

Amazing. Or creepy. Or something.

IMAO got a mention in Vodkapundit’s The Week in Blogs. For the record, I regret nothing.

RiffTrax will be releasing The Martix Revolutions soon. I haven’t seen any of their Matrix riffs, though, so hopefully they’ll have a deal to get all three (they do seem ripe for humor; well, the first one does, I’m worried the latter too are too tedious). Anyway, RiffTrax has an exclusive deleted scene from Matrix Revolutions: