Possible Dinosaurs with Rocket Launchers Problem

Posted on September 30, 2009 1:01 pm

When I’ve been talking about how our military needs dinosaurs with rocket launchers mounted on them to face 21st century threats, the dinosaur I usually envision is the Tyrannosaurus rex, but now there is a bit of a problem. New research suggests that many of the T. rexes were felled by a sore throat. I’m sorry, but something can’t be an unstoppable killing machine if it’s vulnerable to an itchy throat. As the dinosaurs with rocket launchers cut a path of destruction through our enemies, we can’t have people tagging along with giant lozenges just in case.

We still aren’t sure what killed off the non-avian dinosaurs (I’ve long suspected mammalian treachery), but if it’s a bunch of sissy problems we may have to rethink bringing them back.

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31 Responses to “Possible Dinosaurs with Rocket Launchers Problem”

  1. Stefan says:

    I don’t know why but I just can’t imagine Dick Cheney leading an army of rocket launcher equipped T-rexes. But I can see him riding one of them feathered flying dinosaurs. Now that’d be cool.

  2. Francesco Poli says:

    Worrywort. That problem can easily be fixed by installing a mouth-fired laser, which will remove most of the vulnerabilities in the throat. Plus, with the same procedure, the T-Rex’s lower jaw would be replaced with a fully metal one, providing an even better instrument of chewy death.

  3. Live Free Or Die says:

    Duh! Just make Cyborg Dinosaurs with Rocket Launchers! Or Just go totally Robotic Dinosaurs with Rocket Launchers. Have Halliburton/Skynet get right on it.

  4. Jimmy says:

    It’s soar throat, I believe, Frank. A sore(ing) throat would be hard to bring down. Wait… hmmm.

    [EDITOR’S NOTE: This comment was edited to keep continuity.]

  5. KnitterChick says:

    Lookit, I’m new here, but even I can see that all you need to do is give him one of those stomach tubes like the Munchausin kids get. Stick a big hose or something in there and he can suck up all the food he wants. Problem solved.

  6. Socrates H. O'Troll says:

    One word: velociraptors, duh! Oh, that’s two words.

  7. Jimmy says:

    Well, Frank, if you keep ‘Continuity’ then you must combine with ‘Equilibrium’ and solve the system! Voila. (Viola? Don’t mind me, I was at sea too long, O’trolling.)

  8. MarkoMancuso says:

    I still believe our best strategy is to integrate bear cavalry into the Army and Marines.

  9. MarkoMancuso says:

    But, really, Frank, do you not think our engineers capable of solving this issue? DWRLs will still be the best stand-off artillery platforms money can buy!

  10. Jimmy says:

    Only if they have the bare necessities, MarkoMancuso. Otherwise, I couldn’t bear it. I realize this could be a soar point with Frnak, however.

  11. zip says:

    What was Godzilla? He never got a sore throat. I think he would be awesome to deploy against North Korea.

  12. Brutus says:

    Mammalian treachery indeed. Prehistoric evil monkeys (Cebus a. gore, to be precise) were very worried about the continuation of global warming and the harmful effects of industrialized volcanoes pumping unbelievable amounts of CO2 into the atmosphere. So they stopped it and brought about global cooling and killed all the dinosaurs that couldn’t hide under rocks, in swamps, Loch Ness or Lake Champlain. Luckily, there was another species of mammal (Ursus D. Cheney) that was armed with a lovely Spanish double barreled shotgun that was able to ensure that conservative mammals would survive to bring warmth, truth and the American way back to the planet. 21st century militarized dinosaurs are a natural consequence of a newly rewarmed planet. Just imagine how pissed they will be at all the evil little monkeys!! 365 million year old grudges can’t be easy to shake.

  13. Brutus says:

    This may be quite ancillary BUT how do you get a dinosaur that lacks prehensile lips to suck a lozenge? Or is that engineered in with the rocket launcher?

  14. Bailey says:

    we could just permanently numb the throat nerve endings so they aren’t “vulnerable to an itchy throat” anymore.

  15. Bailey says:

    sore = as in aches and pains
    soar = as in fly like an eagle

  16. John Morris says:

    I don’t see a problem. If we assume the tech to being em back from extinction we should be able to patch the genetic flaws. Why bring em back as they were when we can make them better, stronger, faster!

  17. Son of Bob says:

    Now Bailey, let’s not drag the Steve Miller Band into this.

  18. Brutus says:

    Why don’t we genetically cross the T. Rex with a Koala? There are several benefits.
    1. They would eat Eucalyptus leaves, curing the sore throat issue.
    2. They would be omnivorous and could then be penned and fed eucalyptus when there was a run on hippies.
    3. They would have that certain “Je ne sais quoi” that all cute furry mammals/marsupials have and libs would love them on face value making them perfectly disguised.
    4. Koalasaurus T. Rex is a pretty cool name (although, most new species are named after their founder so Brutusaurus T. Rex may be in. However, it is your idea so Frankasaurus J. Rex may be the correct appellation. Your call).

  19. Groucho Max says:

    New research indicates that the sore throat was caused by eating all the other namby-pamby herbivore dinosaurs like Stegosaurus – all those spikes can tusks get stuck in the throat after a while.

    T-Rex hates vegan dinosaurs – how dare those hippie dinosaurs share the planet with the awesomeness of the T-man.

  20. Groucho Max says:

    Yeah, the throat tickle was a real problem for T-Rex, right.
    And that whole “six-mile wide asteroid crashing into earth at 25,000 mph and destroying all living things” – not so much. Methinks some academic had some stimulus money to spend.

  21. Joel Hoekstra says:

    Re: Brutus: Koalasaurus

    But what about teh fuzzy ears! THE EARS! That would look WAY too silly on a T. Rex! Maybe if we crossed them with pandas…yeah! Then we could have furry T-Rexes that eat nothing but bamboo and they’d already have raccoon eyes to make them look like pirates! That would be FREAKING AWESOME!!! And we could give them tiny hooks for hands…it’s not like they were using their fore-arms anyway….The only drawback I can see is that pandas are too disinterested in sex to reproduce on their own, so we might have to quadruple the capacity of the cloning facilities. Halliburton might have to get involved.

    P.S. I’m with Groucho Max: Leave those wussy stegosaurus pansies out of this!

  22. Mr. Right says:

    Geez Frank, is Fred sick? I’ll send over a truckload of lozenges if you think it’ll help.

    Take better care of that multi-billion dollar dinosaur, would ya! The military is gonna go nuts on me if you let him die before we can breed him!

    p.s., Try feeding him hippies that aren’t coughing so much. Hope this helps!

  23. Stan says:

    Joel, Pandafreakingsaurus has a particular ring to it. The mating rituals would be cured in the genetic sequencing event and he would be given at least 4 penises and sack full of nuts.

    Brutus, wouldn’t a dinosaur with a sore throat invented by Frank J. be a Flemasaurus?

  24. Willy says:

    The sore throat is caused by a small protozoa. Equipping dinosaurs with flame throwers, to cook their meat, should easily kill those little one cell bastards.

  25. Sraviik says:

    eh… lets just go with velociraptors with an embeded compliance chip in their tiny brains that will keep them from attacking us…

  26. MarkoMancuso says:

    Velociraptors are neither strong nor large enough to carry the rockets a T-rex can carry. And we cannot sacrifice firepower. My friends, this is not rocket science.

  27. hwuu says:

    Yes but we can engineer the velociraptors to combine six at a time into a megasaurus. Then they can carry all the firepower you want.

    Also, I say we save the pandas for endangered species suicide bombers

  28. ussjimmycarter says:

    How about crossing them with Golden Gophers? They will be totally gay and will lose every important battle but they will be scrappy little devils just like the Minnesota football team…

  29. Foz says:

    Throat Discs Soothe!

    As the owner of the above linked product line I am willing to donate a case of soothing Throat Discs lozenges to the Dinosaurs with Rocket Launcher research program – provided I get to watch. Please provide shipping address and weapons trial schedule details.


  30. Barb says:

    Oh, I just love that quote in the LAT: “…many paleontologists have speculated that the holes in Sue’s jaw were caused by bite marks that were a product of Sue’s rampaging lifestyle.” You go, girl!

    No way Sue the Rampager got a sore throat *accidentally*. Seems to me what we have here is solid evidence of that mammalian treachery FrankJ mentions, to wit, biological warfare. Sue missed one while rampaging in some proto-platypus’s swamp one day, and the lone bottom-feeding survivor had an evil thought whilst hiding down in the algae: after that, it was just a matter of time before the Cretaceous extinction.

    They didn’t have rocket launchers back then to fry the germs and barbecue the mammals. Sad story — could have happened to many rampagers I’ve known. Don’t give up on ’em, Frank!

    Also let’s get us plenty of Brutusauruses and FrankasaurusJ’s, too — could they be infantry? (I see the v-raptors as smart enough maybe for special ops, if the first “Jurassic Park” documentary was right about their intelligence.)

  31. Beaglescout says:

    That’s why we need to rethink and go with armies of triceratops with lasers and rocket launchers mounted on a turret behind their neck-fans. There should be 2 or 3 soldiers to operate the weapons on the back of the triceratops. The tyrannosaurs are still a good idea, but should be remote controlled by platoons of geeks in the FOB.

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