What Should I Obsess About

I was thinking I should shake things up. So what I really need is some sort of issue I can obsess and go crazy over, lashing out and banning every one who disagrees with me until I end up on the left-wing. Problem is, I’m generally apathetic about everything. Still, here’s a few ideas for issues for me to constantly post about until I drive every one away:

* Despite what people on the internet contend, realistically pirates would beat ninjas.

* The stegosaurus is the greatest dinosaur.

* Though the heated rhetoric doesn’t concern me, it’s cheap — and possibly racist — to make fun of the president’s ears.

* Godfather III is not as bad as people say.

* Every second we’re not building asteroid defense we’re stupid dummies who deserve to die.

* A peanut really is a nut.

* Iran and Iraq should be united as one country called Iranq.

* ‘E’ can go before ‘I’ whenever the hell it feels like.

* I don’t like monkeys.

Any other ideas?

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62 Comments

  1. You’ve come down pretty hard on monkeys and squirrels, Frank. I think it’s time for a new animal: BEARS. I hate bears. And California Golden Bears got the @#$% kicked out of ’em yesterday! Hehehe.

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  2. 1. Barbara Striesand is the most over-rated singer eveh! (Just had an office conversation about that)

    2. It also really pisses me off when someone says, “For all intensive purposes…,” instead of “For all intents and purposes…..”

    BTW – The original “Porky’s” was a Cinematic masterpiece, IMAO.

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  3. Here’s some:

    * The benefits of running with scissors.
    * As a society, we may actually have too much cowbell.
    * Get people to realize that EVERY month is “Truck Month”, no matter which town the dealership is in.
    * The immortality myth of Twinkies was a malicious rumor started by the baker’s union (Twinkies do expire within two months of manufacturing, thereby disillusioning true believers.)

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  4. It’s a little known fact that leaving an elevator is the only place where a man should exit before a woman. This is to divide any crowd that may be waiting outside of the elevator. Very rarely will I see this happen. Only by self serving and arrogant blathering on how educated you are is the only way to bring this to the people’s attention.

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  5. * Clint Eastwood would beat the crap out of Chuck Norris in a fight.
    * Putting veggies on a pizza is an act akin to treason.
    * The phrase “steak salad” has no place in the English language.
    * To free up more manpower for killing foreigners, we should brainwash monkeys and use them to secure our borders. We’ll keep them surrounded by dogs to make sure they don’t betray us.
    * The GOP should make “Free Bacon and Guns for all!” its main platform.
    * We should nuke Manitoba. That would send a message. Besides, who needs Manitoba?
    * Rocky is overrated.

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  6. Wow, I clicked on this comment page again and SarahK holding a gun was the only thing that appeared – and the status bar said “Done.”

    Every man should be obsessed with his wife? Prolly a message from your wife, Frank.

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  7. The Megalodon is the greatest dinosaur, a–hole.

    1. America wimped out as a country when we failed to claim Antartica.
    2. Once Upon a Time in the West, while loaded with commie propaganda, was in fact Sergio Leone’s best movie (I know, I’m probably going to catch flack for that one).

    [The Megalodon is a fish, not a dinosaur, you dummie! BANNED!!! -Ed.]

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  8. Markomancuso, Frank wants a topic to drive everyone away, not have the flock to him. Wanting bacon and guns is not even controversial, it should have been part of the constitution.

    Frank need to take a stand like, present hussein is a good guy. Or the first sasquatch is human, or that jello is delicious. Something we can ridicule him over and be banned, or worse, shunned.

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  9. Hmmm. Stegosauri? When I was three I wanted to be a paleontologist. That makes me an expert on dinosaurs. In the 40 years since I’ve put extensive thought into writing a book on the general subject of dinosaurs. This proves that I’m smart. Never once have I ever thought about stegosauri beyond always make the T-rex step on his tail and run away screaming, “Ipe! Ipe! Ipe!” I never knew they were so great. Hunh. Why didn’t anyone ever tell me?

    In French, the unified ‘Iranq’ is spelled Knari and pronounced (you guessed it) canary. You don’t ever want to get sick there ‘cuz you’d get a canarial disease and everyone knows, they’re untweetable. (rimshot)

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  10. – The atmosphere helps trap global warming gases. Therefore, the atmosphere must be destroyed.
    – “Deep Throat” was really Raymond Burr.
    – American elections should be conducted like the NCAA Basketball Playoffs. Barack Obama could have been upset by Steven Baldwin during “November Ninnyness”.
    – “Viva Viagra” should become the national anthem.

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  11. If you’re going to challenge Charles Johnson for king of the morons status, you need to pick something on which all readers have a well thought out opinion, as he has done with creationism, and then you need to be incredibly wrong with your viewpoint while arguing it viciously. That formula provides for the best banning opportunities.

    With that in mind, the following would apply:
    * Toilet paper rolls should always be put on so that they ridiculously roll underneath from the back, and never over the top.
    * Arlen Specter would have won big for the Republicans had he been their presidential candidate in 2008.
    * Megan McCain’s many life accomplishments make her the true voice of the Republican party.
    * Tupac was actually killed by the CIA, as he was surpassing the status of the late Rev. Martin Luther King as the most important leader in the continuing civil rights movement.
    * All people are actually born gay, it’s just that less than one percent are smart enough to realize it.
    * There were no dinosaurs.
    * Jesus was a Muslim.

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  12. The AK-47 is the greatest firearm development in the past 300 years.

    Anyone who can’t shoot 6 rounds into a 3-inch circle at 30 yards is a pantywaist.

    You could jump into the great Lowes Vs. Home Depot war. Granted – you couldn’t ban EVERYone but you could get a bunch.

    Ditto for George Patton Vs. Ulysses Grant.

    Helen Thomas is the hottest female alive.

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  13. Things To Obsess About: Where are the Hannah Giles Nude Photos?
    Rule 5 Sunday Posts should not be viewed ’til Manic Monday
    Dolphins are planning to rule the world, otherwise they wouldn’t have that silly grin all the time
    Jawas will always try to sell you the R2 unit with the fried motivator
    Aquaman rules 3/4 of the Earth’s Surface
    People who didn’t like Beverly Hills Cop III are Raaaaacist!
    The word ‘Raaaaacist!’ must always be spelled with five a’s, and end in an Exclamation Point!
    The word ‘Science!’ must always start with a Capital S, and end in an Exclamation Point!

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  14. I’m going with the pirates vs. ninja one. Think about it, in an even match ninjas may be better equipped since they’re swift, silent, deadly. But which would you rather be? Pirates get to dress awesomely, wear important looking hats (it’s the feather mostly), speak in creative metaphors, drink rum even when they’re working, plunder things, look for treasure, bury treasure, dig up treasure, go wenching at the pub, and best of all they don’t pay taxes. Ninjas have to be all quiet and disciplined. So don’t you think pirates will always vastly outnumber ninjas? I rest my case.

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  15. Why don’t toilet seats have springs to return them to the proper upright position?

    When are we going to have a constitutional amendment requiring transgendered bathrooms?

    The age of consent needs to be lowered so Roman can come back and make more great movies….like..umm…like

    well, those French people say he’s great so that’s good enough for me.

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  16. The AK-47 is the greatest firearm development in the past 300 years.

    This is easily the most controversial post in this thread. I feel like shunning you.

    I must top that.

    * The Chevy Corvette is ugly.

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  17. Toilet seat up. otherwise you get dog hair on the seat.

    Pirates can’t see ninjas to shoot them. Ninjas can smell pirates even when the pirates are hiding.

    Bacon and circumcision is why we are not all Jews.

    The two dollar bill is the greatest

    The Brontosaurus is real and walks the earth today. It has been hushed up by the CIA because it is in development as a rocket platform. It is BTW the tastiest dino.

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  18. Water vapor has 30 times the heat retaining capacity of CO2.
    Irrigating fields with water increases the natural rate of water evaporation.
    Therefore … Cutting off water to farmers in California will end global warming.

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  19. I propose banning MarkoMancuso for the vile sacrilige of defaming the Great American Sports car. Ban ussjimmycarter for the idolizing of forien automotive accomplishments over American ones like the great Chevolet ZR1 Corvette. Prasing the actions of forieners sounds like something a Liberal would do. ussjimmycarter is one step away from away from singing the praises of Socialized medicine. In fact, I think you should ban any one that would suport socialisim in any form. Like someone who suports buying cars from companies owned by the government like Chrysler or General Motors…. Aw Crap!

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  20. * The stegosaurus is the greatest dinosaur.

    -WHOA NELLY! Thems fightin’ words! When you’re choosing dinosaurs for your kick-ball team, who ya gonna call? A stegosaurus who keeps deflating the ball each time he hits it with his spiky tail, or a kick-ass diplodocus who can run all three bases standing still (all she has to do is stretch out her neck to tag each base). Granted, getting a diplodocus to tag all the bases in the correct order can take years of training, but think of all the precious game time that’s wasted fetching new kick-balls each time a stegosaurus steps up to the plate! NO WAY Hosea! Stegosaurs is the RUNT of that litter! Oh, and BTW: DIPLODOCUS RULES!!!

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  21. The Florida State Bird should not be the mockingbird. Mostly because the mockingbird is also the state bird of Texas. I suppose that involves a lot of time shuttling between South Padre and Pensacola during spring break, for all the promotional endorsements.

    Stegosaur, megalodon, ankylosaur, diplodocus? Nobody brought up T. Rex, or raptors (the most overused dinosaurs in modern cinema). So allow me to state that the coolest dinosaur ever was a Triceratops, and his name was Jim.

    How about obsessively objecting to space colonization efforts because it will hinder your “Nuke the Moon” proposal? I could get behind being banned for pointing out that one could colonize Mars and Nuke the Moon at the same time….

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