What Should I Obsess About

Posted on September 28, 2009 1:09 pm

I was thinking I should shake things up. So what I really need is some sort of issue I can obsess and go crazy over, lashing out and banning every one who disagrees with me until I end up on the left-wing. Problem is, I’m generally apathetic about everything. Still, here’s a few ideas for issues for me to constantly post about until I drive every one away:

* Despite what people on the internet contend, realistically pirates would beat ninjas.

* The stegosaurus is the greatest dinosaur.

* Though the heated rhetoric doesn’t concern me, it’s cheap — and possibly racist — to make fun of the president’s ears.

* Godfather III is not as bad as people say.

* Every second we’re not building asteroid defense we’re stupid dummies who deserve to die.

* A peanut really is a nut.

* Iran and Iraq should be united as one country called Iranq.

* ‘E’ can go before ‘I’ whenever the hell it feels like.

* I don’t like monkeys.

Any other ideas?

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62 Responses to “What Should I Obsess About”

  1. zzyzx says:

    Godfather III is a work of cinematic genius when compared to Porky’s III, or any of the other Porky’s movies for that matter.

  2. Corona says:

    You’d have to watch both to come to that judgment. I think I’ll pass.
    Each of those movies insist upon itself.

    And I’m kinda sleepy.

  3. Jimmy says:

    You’ve come down pretty hard on monkeys and squirrels, Frank. I think it’s time for a new animal: BEARS. I hate bears. And California Golden Bears got the @#$% kicked out of ’em yesterday! Hehehe.

  4. Deafdog says:

    1. Barbara Striesand is the most over-rated singer eveh! (Just had an office conversation about that)

    2. It also really pisses me off when someone says, “For all intensive purposes…,” instead of “For all intents and purposes…..”

    BTW – The original “Porky’s” was a Cinematic masterpiece, IMAO.

  5. AlanABQ says:

    Here’s some:

    * The benefits of running with scissors.
    * As a society, we may actually have too much cowbell.
    * Get people to realize that EVERY month is “Truck Month”, no matter which town the dealership is in.
    * The immortality myth of Twinkies was a malicious rumor started by the baker’s union (Twinkies do expire within two months of manufacturing, thereby disillusioning true believers.)

  6. Whitehorse says:

    Ninjas would slaughter pirates

    “Porky, the boys from Angel Beach are here…”

  7. BigRichardSmall says:

    It’s a little known fact that leaving an elevator is the only place where a man should exit before a woman. This is to divide any crowd that may be waiting outside of the elevator. Very rarely will I see this happen. Only by self serving and arrogant blathering on how educated you are is the only way to bring this to the people’s attention.

  8. MarkoMancuso says:

    * Clint Eastwood would beat the crap out of Chuck Norris in a fight.
    * Putting veggies on a pizza is an act akin to treason.
    * The phrase “steak salad” has no place in the English language.
    * To free up more manpower for killing foreigners, we should brainwash monkeys and use them to secure our borders. We’ll keep them surrounded by dogs to make sure they don’t betray us.
    * The GOP should make “Free Bacon and Guns for all!” its main platform.
    * We should nuke Manitoba. That would send a message. Besides, who needs Manitoba?
    * Rocky is overrated.

  9. MarkoMancuso says:

    Rio Bravo was Wayne’s finest work.

  10. Jimmy says:

    Wow, I clicked on this comment page again and SarahK holding a gun was the only thing that appeared – and the status bar said “Done.”

    Every man should be obsessed with his wife? Prolly a message from your wife, Frank.

  11. Luminos says:

    Anyone who thinks pirates could beat ninjas hates science.

  12. cjtony97 says:

    Andrew Sullivan is Trig Palin’s godfather.

  13. WAL says:

    The Megalodon is the greatest dinosaur, a–hole.

    1. America wimped out as a country when we failed to claim Antartica.
    2. Once Upon a Time in the West, while loaded with commie propaganda, was in fact Sergio Leone’s best movie (I know, I’m probably going to catch flack for that one).

    [The Megalodon is a fish, not a dinosaur, you dummie! BANNED!!! -Ed.]

  14. MarkoMancuso says:

    Anyone who thinks ninjas could beat pirates is an idealistic fool and should be regarded as such.

  15. Plentyobailouts says:

    Markomancuso, Frank wants a topic to drive everyone away, not have the flock to him. Wanting bacon and guns is not even controversial, it should have been part of the constitution.

    Frank need to take a stand like, present hussein is a good guy. Or the first sasquatch is human, or that jello is delicious. Something we can ridicule him over and be banned, or worse, shunned.

  16. Plentyobailouts says:

    Heil marko Mancuso, Pirates could take ninjas, he** a democrat could take a ninja.

  17. Yojimbo says:

    Real men don’t eat smooth peanut butter, only crunchy.

  18. Brutus says:

    Hmmm. Stegosauri? When I was three I wanted to be a paleontologist. That makes me an expert on dinosaurs. In the 40 years since I’ve put extensive thought into writing a book on the general subject of dinosaurs. This proves that I’m smart. Never once have I ever thought about stegosauri beyond always make the T-rex step on his tail and run away screaming, “Ipe! Ipe! Ipe!” I never knew they were so great. Hunh. Why didn’t anyone ever tell me?

    In French, the unified ‘Iranq’ is spelled Knari and pronounced (you guessed it) canary. You don’t ever want to get sick there ‘cuz you’d get a canarial disease and everyone knows, they’re untweetable. (rimshot)

  19. cjtony97 says:

    Pirates and ninjas are actually friends and would never fight.

  20. Jimmy says:

    Ron Paul should run again?


  21. cjtony97 says:

    Allahpundit is Meghan Mcain’s long lost brother.

  22. cjtony97 says:

    Bob Dole 2012!

  23. cjtony97 says:

    Michael Moore has a thyroid condition.

  24. Plentyobailouts says:

    Stegasuraus is the retarded brother of meghan mccain.

  25. Obamaaintmymama says:

    – The atmosphere helps trap global warming gases. Therefore, the atmosphere must be destroyed.
    – “Deep Throat” was really Raymond Burr.
    – American elections should be conducted like the NCAA Basketball Playoffs. Barack Obama could have been upset by Steven Baldwin during “November Ninnyness”.
    – “Viva Viagra” should become the national anthem.

  26. cjtony97 says:

    Animotion is the greatest band of all time!

  27. brenda wilshire says:

    You all know uncle sam right?
    My question is does he have a wife?

  28. MarkoMancuso says:

    The Beetles were so bad they should have been called The Dung Beetles.

  29. FormerHostage says:

    Obsess about people pointing out that you’re obsessed about not appearing obsessed. That way 99% of comments will be subject to banning. Simple. Elegant.

  30. Son of Bob says:

    If you’re going to challenge Charles Johnson for king of the morons status, you need to pick something on which all readers have a well thought out opinion, as he has done with creationism, and then you need to be incredibly wrong with your viewpoint while arguing it viciously. That formula provides for the best banning opportunities.

    With that in mind, the following would apply:
    * Toilet paper rolls should always be put on so that they ridiculously roll underneath from the back, and never over the top.
    * Arlen Specter would have won big for the Republicans had he been their presidential candidate in 2008.
    * Megan McCain’s many life accomplishments make her the true voice of the Republican party.
    * Tupac was actually killed by the CIA, as he was surpassing the status of the late Rev. Martin Luther King as the most important leader in the continuing civil rights movement.
    * All people are actually born gay, it’s just that less than one percent are smart enough to realize it.
    * There were no dinosaurs.
    * Jesus was a Muslim.

  31. Dohtimes says:

    You could argue that your writings and commentaries do not make those of Mark Stein and Victor Davis Hanson uneccessary and obsolete. You might add Douglas Adams to make for more infighting.

  32. discomeatpies says:

    Be obsessed about the price of gas. Really, really obsessed.

  33. Jimmy says:

    Son of Bob said:

    * All people are actually born gay, it’s just that less than one percent are smart enough to realize it.

    ussjimmycarter in 3… 2… 1…

    Where the heck is ussjimmycarter??

  34. AR says:

    @Son of Bob, you got those last two mixed up, clearly you meant to say that Jesus was a dinosaur.

  35. cptnmoroni says:

    The AK-47 is the greatest firearm development in the past 300 years.

    Anyone who can’t shoot 6 rounds into a 3-inch circle at 30 yards is a pantywaist.

    You could jump into the great Lowes Vs. Home Depot war. Granted – you couldn’t ban EVERYone but you could get a bunch.

    Ditto for George Patton Vs. Ulysses Grant.

    Helen Thomas is the hottest female alive.

  36. Karen says:

    Pirates have guns, ninjas do not have guns. Case closed.

  37. Live Free Or Die says:

    Things To Obsess About: Where are the Hannah Giles Nude Photos?
    Rule 5 Sunday Posts should not be viewed ’til Manic Monday
    Dolphins are planning to rule the world, otherwise they wouldn’t have that silly grin all the time
    Jawas will always try to sell you the R2 unit with the fried motivator
    Aquaman rules 3/4 of the Earth’s Surface
    People who didn’t like Beverly Hills Cop III are Raaaaacist!
    The word ‘Raaaaacist!’ must always be spelled with five a’s, and end in an Exclamation Point!
    The word ‘Science!’ must always start with a Capital S, and end in an Exclamation Point!

  38. Crusty says:

    You need to get yourself some Little Green Footballs Sunglasses.

  39. Scipio Americanus says:

    Stegosaurus? Pish! Ankylosaurs are quite probably the coolest animals ever to have walked the earth.

  40. klrtz1 says:

    You should ban everyone who uses the letter “g”.

    Damn, I’m banned, aren’t I?

  41. Scott says:

    * What does the “M” in ATM Machine stand for, anyway?

  42. AlanABQ says:

    Erica Saunders & Brenda Wilshire are twins separated at birth.

  43. shiggz says:

    “Rocketman” starring Harland Williams truly is the greatest movie of all time.

  44. KB51 says:

    All footballs should be brown. And big.

  45. Adam Mk 1 Mod 0 says:

    I’m going with the pirates vs. ninja one. Think about it, in an even match ninjas may be better equipped since they’re swift, silent, deadly. But which would you rather be? Pirates get to dress awesomely, wear important looking hats (it’s the feather mostly), speak in creative metaphors, drink rum even when they’re working, plunder things, look for treasure, bury treasure, dig up treasure, go wenching at the pub, and best of all they don’t pay taxes. Ninjas have to be all quiet and disciplined. So don’t you think pirates will always vastly outnumber ninjas? I rest my case.

  46. NO_MO_BAMA says:

    Why don’t toilet seats have springs to return them to the proper upright position?

    When are we going to have a constitutional amendment requiring transgendered bathrooms?

    The age of consent needs to be lowered so Roman can come back and make more great movies….like..umm…like

    well, those French people say he’s great so that’s good enough for me.

  47. MarkoMancuso says:

    The AK-47 is the greatest firearm development in the past 300 years.

    This is easily the most controversial post in this thread. I feel like shunning you.

    I must top that.

    * The Chevy Corvette is ugly.

  48. DamnCat says:

    21. cjtony97 says:
    September 28th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
    Allahpundit is Meghan Mcain’s long lost brother.

    Not lost – he ran away from home and they never bothered to look for him.

  49. Daddio says:

    Blue Collar Comedy funnier than Def Comedy Jam…racist

  50. Daddio says:

    Music is also totally subjective so might offer some fertile ground.

  51. Jeff says:

    Toilet seat up. otherwise you get dog hair on the seat.

    Pirates can’t see ninjas to shoot them. Ninjas can smell pirates even when the pirates are hiding.

    Bacon and circumcision is why we are not all Jews.

    The two dollar bill is the greatest

    The Brontosaurus is real and walks the earth today. It has been hushed up by the CIA because it is in development as a rocket platform. It is BTW the tastiest dino.

  52. 5 of 7 says:

    Water vapor has 30 times the heat retaining capacity of CO2.
    Irrigating fields with water increases the natural rate of water evaporation.
    Therefore … Cutting off water to farmers in California will end global warming.

  53. ussjimmycarter says:

    “The Chevy Corvette is ugly”… Well someone was born Gay!

    In a fight, Sarah Palin would kick both Clint Eastwood and Chuck Norris butts!

  54. ussjimmycarter says:

    The Bugatti Veyron is the most excellent perfect awesome car ever and should be parked in my driveway except I’m being kept down by the man!

  55. BigRichardSmall says:

    I propose banning MarkoMancuso for the vile sacrilige of defaming the Great American Sports car. Ban ussjimmycarter for the idolizing of forien automotive accomplishments over American ones like the great Chevolet ZR1 Corvette. Prasing the actions of forieners sounds like something a Liberal would do. ussjimmycarter is one step away from away from singing the praises of Socialized medicine. In fact, I think you should ban any one that would suport socialisim in any form. Like someone who suports buying cars from companies owned by the government like Chrysler or General Motors…. Aw Crap!

  56. Jimmy says:

    ussjimmycartdr is “being kept down by the man” ?? Get of your knees before it’s too late, ussjc! You can’t let Hillary dominate you like that. It’s bad, BAD.

  57. Joel Hoekstra says:

    * The stegosaurus is the greatest dinosaur.

    -WHOA NELLY! Thems fightin’ words! When you’re choosing dinosaurs for your kick-ball team, who ya gonna call? A stegosaurus who keeps deflating the ball each time he hits it with his spiky tail, or a kick-ass diplodocus who can run all three bases standing still (all she has to do is stretch out her neck to tag each base). Granted, getting a diplodocus to tag all the bases in the correct order can take years of training, but think of all the precious game time that’s wasted fetching new kick-balls each time a stegosaurus steps up to the plate! NO WAY Hosea! Stegosaurs is the RUNT of that litter! Oh, and BTW: DIPLODOCUS RULES!!!

  58. AZCON says:

    “banning every one who disagrees with me until I end up on the left-wing.”

    nicely put.

    BTW, did you write all the comments too? They seem funnier than usual.

  59. Mikee says:

    The Florida State Bird should not be the mockingbird. Mostly because the mockingbird is also the state bird of Texas. I suppose that involves a lot of time shuttling between South Padre and Pensacola during spring break, for all the promotional endorsements.

    Stegosaur, megalodon, ankylosaur, diplodocus? Nobody brought up T. Rex, or raptors (the most overused dinosaurs in modern cinema). So allow me to state that the coolest dinosaur ever was a Triceratops, and his name was Jim.

    How about obsessively objecting to space colonization efforts because it will hinder your “Nuke the Moon” proposal? I could get behind being banned for pointing out that one could colonize Mars and Nuke the Moon at the same time….

  60. chip says:

    John DeLorean was framed!

    OK, its kind of waaaaayyy out in left field. But no one would see it coming until it was too late.

  61. BigRichardSmall says:

    John DeLorian stoped making decent cars when he left Pontiac. Saddly Pontiac when the way of Studabaker just when they finally got their act back together.

  62. 5 of 7 says:

    It’s not John Delorean’s fault the Flux-capacitor wasn’t an energy efficent appliance.

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