Frank Advice for Life

If you find a box on your doorstep labeled “Free Badger”, don’t open it; there could be a badger inside.

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21 Comments

  1. It’s possible, however, that the box could contain mushrooms or snakes. I don’t like mushrooms, but snakes can be used to eliminate your enemies (and their annoying Dachshund that never stops barking). Therefore, I disagree with Frank.

    Badgers are harmless anyway. Just ask the Iowa Hawkeyes.

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  2. …don’t open it

    Instead squint your eyes and say, “Badgers?! BADGERS!?…We don’ need no stinkin’ BADGERS!”

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  3. Marko…watch it with the anti-dachshund crap bucko! Ironically, wienerdogs were bred to hunt badgers (its a myth that they were bred to hunt squeaky toys).

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  4. How can the badger be free if is captive in a box?

    Suppose they fool you and write “free bacon” on the box?

    What happen if the box is labled “Free Badger”, you don’t open the box, and it was actually bacon?

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  5. But the box is TELLING me to FREE THE BADGER!!! Do I listen to you or the box?!?! The box makes a convincing argument.

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  6. Thanks, Frank.

    What if the box is labled, “Cheap Badgers,” “Moderately Priced Badgers,” or “Priceless Badgers?”

    Same advice, or can we see what’s inside?

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  7. This is pretty sound advice, although I must admit I’ve never actually heard of anyone finding a box on their doorstep marked “Free Badger”. However, I have heard of people finding a burning brown paper bag on their doorstep….’specially on Halloween eve. Here’s some more sound advice….don’t stomp on it!

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  8. Badger? Wasn’t that one of the Soviet Union’s front line delivery system of nuclear weapons? It makes sense now. Delivered to your door by the cultist followers of mmm mmm mmm

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  9. …so if I see a “Free Tibet” or “Free Mumia” sticker on a car, can I open the car and get a free Tibet or Mumia? If the car has both stickers, do I get both?

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  10. We had a dachshund named Baron when I was a kid.
    He used to chew the shells off golfballs and then bark at them when the rubberbands inside snapped and hit him in the nose.
    We never had any trouble with badgers while he was around.

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  11. If the Badger is in there and you open the box, just roll him over and rub his belly. They like that…alot!

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  12. If you receive an email with an attachment “Picture of Nancy Pelosi”, don’t open it. It might contain a picture of Nancy Pelosi.

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  13. I agree. If Badger is in need of freeing, he should stay put. I mean, after he humped Mal on that salvage job, then held the crew hostage on the cattle smuggling operation, he totally deserves to be stuck in that box. Stupid Badger.

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