Archive for October, 2009

Housebreaking the GOP

Wednesday, October 28, 2009 11:03 am

I like this Doug Hoffman revolt in NY23. A lot of Republicans think they can put an ‘R’ on a turd sandwich and conservatives are supposed to choke it down without saying a word. No way. Republicans are supposed to try and get the most conservative candidate who can win, but in NY23 it’s like they got someone who mis-checked her party on her voter registration. Fred Thompson, who the sun was instructed as a child to never stare directly at, explains it here:

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Better the Republicans learn this lesson now than in 2010. I have a feeling they’re going to screw up that big opportunity, but maybe if we just consistently whap them on the nose every time they’re being bad eventually they’ll learn.

Oh, and a tip for Hoffman: Change your name to “Dog Hoffman.” Makes you sound like a badass biker dude.

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Random Thoughts

Wednesday, October 28, 2009 9:13 am

I wouldn’t worry about Lieberman; I’m sure Harry Reid’s dynamic leadership will prevail in the end.

Momentum is easily described by Newtonian physics, but Joementum is a complex phenomenon better described by quantum physics.

The fact that matter can collapse on itself into a singularity forming a black hole seems like a huge design flaw. I’m just saying that if OSHA were around when the universe first formed, they never would have approved God’s “matter” idea. Not that energy is particularly safe, but it never permanently destroys information.

I know I’m not supposed to stare at the sun, but it creeps me out when the sun stares at me.

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Funniest Video I’ve Seen In a While: The Button

Tuesday, October 27, 2009 8:40 pm

Saw this from Ace. It’s a parody of that upcoming movie The Box which has a premise that seems more suited for a half-hour Twilight Zone episode rather than a whole movie. Why don’t we have any half-hour dramas anymore? When did it become the law that all dramas must be an hour long? And why can’t sitcoms be longer than a half-hour? If they want an hour, they have to be at least a dramedy, which means having serious plot development along with the jokes and no laugh track. Not that I like a laugh track. It just seems snobbish that you can’t have a laugh track and be filmed in front of live studio audience and be a regular hour long show.

What was I talking about? See, this is why dramas should try being half-hour long because people don’t have long attention spans anymore.

Oh yeah, this is funny:

The Button – watch more funny videos
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RACIST!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009 6:30 pm

Some stuffy Brit said:

“Meat is a wasteful use of water and creates a lot of greenhouse gases. It puts enormous pressure on the world’s resources.”

Being made of meat myself, I find that remark offensive.

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Lightning Round 10-26-09

Tuesday, October 27, 2009 5:00 pm

The illustrated version of The Lightning Round from the 10-26-09

[
YouTube direct link]

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Frank Advice for Life

Tuesday, October 27, 2009 3:05 pm

Never stare directly at the sun, as it could cause blindness. Also, never stare directly at the moon as it could infect your brain with moon-madness.

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Tips for Saudis Traveling Abroad

Tuesday, October 27, 2009 1:02 pm

Saudi Arabia has released a travel guide for its citizens so to avoid culture clashes with tips like don’t sexually harass women and don’t invite children to your house over the internet. Here are further tips:

Saudis trying to blend in with the crowd.

Saudis trying to blend in with the crowd.

TIPS FOR SAUDI ARABIANS TRAVELING ABROAD

* If possible, try not to look like the villain from a Disney movie.

* People are often aware there are Jews around them, so there is no reason to point at each one and scream, “Joooooo!”

* No one is impressed by a Fat Albert impression anymore.

* Remember: What might be considered normal conversation back in Saudi Arabia could be taken as the speech of a deranged serial killer abroad.

* The big bowls of water in the restrooms are not for drinking.

* iPhones are not magical totems worth killing for and can in fact be purchased at many stores.

* The common way of getting the attention of women in Saudi Arabia is called “flashing” in other countries and is discouraged.

* When visiting another person’s home, it is impolite to eat his cat.

* The high-pitched sound coming out of women’s mouths is called “speaking,” and this is allowed in many countries.

* Claims of vast magical powers are more likely to get derision than fear.

* Not every time you eat pie is it a contest as to who finishes first.

* Chasing squirrels while shouting “Infidel!” usually gains awkward stares despite it being great exercise.

* Even if you’ve grown tired of one of your children, don’t smother him in public.

* No matter how impressed you are by the shiny buildings, don’t try climbing them.

* In general, try not to be so creepy.

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Rebuttal

Tuesday, October 27, 2009 12:25 pm

… to Frank’s theory that Obama is an 8-year-old girl.

He’s a 10-year-old boy, as proven by this photograph of him taken immediately after his first meeting with Hugo Chavez:

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lolterizt! Part 93

Tuesday, October 27, 2009 12:11 pm

This week terrorists, next week That One. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ‘em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.


My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From Alan ABQ:

[reference link]

From Carl:

[reference link]

From MarkoMancuso:

[reference link]

From Motopolitico:

[reference link (1:17)]

Also from Motopolitico:

[reference link (2:00)]

From Robert:

From Stephen:

[reference link]

From Steve C:

From Steve T:

[reference link]

From Titus Scroad:

[reference link]

From VelvetElvis:

[reference link]

From VelvetElvis:

[reference link]


This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:

Yes, it’s going to be all about the Mickey Mouse jokes, but it’s a big target, so be creative.


PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Snapped Shot for handy links to ripe-for-captioning photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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Random Thoughts

Tuesday, October 27, 2009 11:01 am

Friendly Announcement: I have no desire to murder any of you.

Obama’s new internet regulations aren’t as bad as I thought; I can get a plea bargain as long as I turn state’s evidence on my commenters.

I got an e-mail from Obama that said that IMAO isn’t real news and that I’m a “poopyhead”. He does not want this fight!

Time for my daily practice of saying “I must break you” like Ivan Drago.

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Is Obama Not Constitutionally Eligible to Be President?

Tuesday, October 27, 2009 9:12 am

I explore this possibility in my latest Pajamas Media column.

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Frank on Science!: Quantum Physics

Monday, October 26, 2009 3:02 pm

One great way to get notice in Science! is controversy. Evolution gets a lot of controversy and attention, as people say it’s hard to believe and against the Bible. This has to frustrate scientists who work on quantum physics because it’s even harder believe and just seems like it has to be against something in the Bible, but no one seems to care. Teleportation, entanglement, uncertainty in measurement, multiple universes, subatomic particles being in two states at once until observed — it’s like the scientists want to be caught for just making stuff up. In fact, quantum physics is so unbelievable that it’s still much more likely that a bunch of scientists got drunk one day and made the whole thing up than that quantum physics is actually true.

So where is the outrage? Scientists are basically calling the universe — and thus God — a confused liar. The universe is in some confused, indeterminate state, and God is just randomly making it up as people observe it. Even Einstein had a religious objection to it (“God does not play dice with the universe.”). And how many people have actually seen these subatomic particles and seen them spin one way or the other like the scientists tell us? This is all not to say that quantum physics isn’t an official theory with the Science! stamp of approval, it’s just that you should probably protest it being taught to your kids, as something about it just seems immoral. Plus, they’re probably too stupid to understand it anyway.

Science!

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Obama’s Enemies List

Monday, October 26, 2009 1:01 pm

We’ve been hearing that Obama is making enemies lists just like Nixon, but people are wondering who would be on this list. I can’t tell you how, but I have obtained an official Obama enemies list and I print it here at IMAO exclusively.

OBAMA’S ENEMIES LIST

* FOX News

* Rush Limbaugh

* Glenn Beck

* Jake Tapper

* General McChrystal

* Joe Biden’s mouth

* The economy

* Brazil

* The Jews

* That guy at Starbuck’s who is always screwing up my order

* The dwarf planet Eris

* Optimus Prime

* Blue pens

* Malia Obama

* All other Nobel Peace Prize winners

* Jesus

* Capitalism

* Liberty

* The Constitution

* Americans

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Palin’s Book

Monday, October 26, 2009 11:01 am

In case you didn’t know, Sarah Palin’s book Going Rogue: An American Life is only $9.00 to preorder at Amazon. So if you like Palin, you can go ahead and order a copy. Just be forewarned, I hear it was ghostwritten by a domestic terrorist.

Palin’s going to go on Oprah the day before the book comes out. I hear Oprah doesn’t plan on being nice to her, though, and will publicly name Palin the anti-Obama — or, in Oprah’s terminology, the Negative One.

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The Warrior Song

Monday, October 26, 2009 10:45 am

What I really like about this song is that it’s in a cadence format, so the guys in uniform could sing this one while they’re marching around.

Had it been written 70 years ago, this is the song that General Patton would have sung in the shower.


[YouTube direct link]

Pass this one along to anyone you know in theater. Veteran’s Day is coming up. It’d make the perfect gift.

[hat tip: commenter Rain of Lead]

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Random Thoughts

Monday, October 26, 2009 9:08 am

New nickname for Obama: Sissy Nixon

A lot of corruption in Alaska. I guess it’s like how kids feel they can get away with things when they sit at the very back of the bus.

The Dog Whisperer vs. Scooby Doo; that would be something. Maybe he could also stop those kids from being so meddlesome.

Since I’m a humor expert, if I tell you something is funny and you don’t find it funny, that means your brain is stupid.

Liberals don’t hate conservatives. They just lash out at them from misplaced rage from their hatred of liberty and America.

New DNA evidence proves that Video was falsely convicted and executed for killing the Radio Star.

My football readiness level is high.

I hope people use me to sell products long after I’m dead. “Zombie Frank J. says buy Charmin.”

Know what would be neat? A commercial of Ted Kennedy emerging from the water and explaining how DirectTV could have prevented this.

“If I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take for advertising purposes.”

Boise State has to be the best team ever that doesn’t know how to snap a ball.

I think the biggest problem the Angels have had in playing the Yankees is how much they suck. They should be more like an angel of death and less like “Touched by an Angel.”

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Relax, it’s an emergency

Sunday, October 25, 2009 8:58 pm


I am declaring a national emergency over the H1N1 virus. It’s an emergency, so I’m signing it now.


But, I’m going to wait until the next day to announce it. I mean, what’s the hurry?


We must take whatever steps we can to make sure that we have flu shots for everyone!


Except for my kids.


The rates of illness continue to rise rapidly within many communities across the nation, and the potential exists for the pandemic to overburden health care resources in some localities.*


There! Thatc ought to help get that health care bill through the Senate. You owe me one, Harry.

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Lightning Round 10-23-09

Sunday, October 25, 2009 7:00 am

The illustrated version of The Lightning Round from the 10-23-09 Fred Thompson Show (with FTS Producer Greg Tantum sitting in for Jeri Thompson):


[YouTube direct link]

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Proof – UPDATED 10-26-09

Saturday, October 24, 2009 7:13 am

That Obama would look completely awesome with an Evil Spock goatee:

UPDATE 10-26-09

I said an EVIL SPOCK goatee, not that prissy little moustache/beard combo that Lenin had:

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No Thanks

Friday, October 23, 2009 9:54 pm

The Democrats’ public option opt out plan is like being served a rotten egg and then being told you can opt out of eating the shell.

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