IMAO on the Fred Thompson Show

If you listened to Fred Thompson Show today, you might have heard something familiar as they used this as the lead in from a commercial break:

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You can find audio for the show today here and hear it in the show and Fred’s reaction at about 11:23 (first time a Fred Thompson fact gets official confirmation).

When Fred Thompson uses material from your blog, you have to ask him for permission.

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Newspapers Go Bye

If you have seen it yet, here’s a graph of what’s been happening to newspaper subscription rates over the past two decades. Bad omen for anyone who likes to turn his news into a captain’s hat when he’s done with it.

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Lightning Round 10-27-09

The illustrated version of The Lightning Round from the 10-27-09 Fred Thompson Show:

[YouTube direct link]

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Thoughts on the Public Option, Liberty, and Trees

Man, I do not like the public option. For all their faults, conservatives tell you what they want and then they try and get it. Liberals know that their ultimate goals, though, would be abhorrent to anyone who loves liberty so they try to hide what they want. They want a government takeover of health care and the removal of individual liberty on that issue, but that’s a hard sell. So they get the public option, which they sell as greater liberty (“more choice!”), but the idea is it will eventually push out everything else and lead to a government takeover. That’s its only purpose, and a line in the sand has to be drawn by every Republican.

Or maybe Joe Lieberman.

The government always pretty much just grows and never shrinks. It’s always too politically hard to get rid of welfare and handouts after people have grown used to them, so you have to kill them in their infancy… like drowning puppies.

It’s kinda disheartening knowing this is a battle we will eventually lose. Not today, not tomorrow, and maybe not for hundreds of years if we’re smart, but eventually the government will get so large and liberty so narrow that the country will collapse. It will be a miserable time with the only thing to look forward to being the fact that we can now punch all the hippies we want with no one to stop us. It’s like that Thomas Jefferson quote that about the revolution, blood, and the tree of liberty that crazy people are always bringing up. Take it as a warning, though, as a revolution is just likely to make something even screwier. It was kinda amazing what the Founding Fathers put together with this country, and it’s our duty to make it limp along for as long as we can.

So it’s up to you, Joe Lieberman.

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K Street Whores Demand Apology From Congressman Grayson

WASHINGTON DC (AP) – After it was widely reported that Democrat Congressman Alan Grayson of Florida called Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke’s aide and former Enron lobbyist, Linda Robertson, “a K Street whore“, prostitutes working the K Street area demanded an apology.

“No, I won’t lobby for you, you sick, book-cooking bastard!”

Silky Sparkles, spokestrollop for the Washington D.C. Adult Companionship Workers Local 269, said that she and her fellow K Street strumpets objected to Grayson’s demeaning use of the word “whore”.

“Being a whore is an honorable profession,” said Ms. Sparkles. “Sure, we do disgusting things with lonely, smelly, fat guys – like Mr. Grayson – in exchange for money, but Robertson lobbied for Enron. I mean… EWWWWW! It’s like, yeah, for enough Benjamins I’ll do ya a Cleveland Clamper or a Seattle Sashimi, but I’ve got STANDARDS! No Denver Danglers, and no working for Enron.”

National Organization for Women (NOW) President Kim Gandy also found the incident disturbing.

“The word ‘whore’ is deeply offensive to all women,” said Gandy. “It’s often reserved for women who step beyond male-patrolled sexual boundaries and is an obscene and especially degrading put-down toward a woman whose only crime is earning a living. However, since Grayson is a Democrat, we’re totally going to let this one slide. Besides, why would we stick up for some stupid whore Republican?”

When informed that Robertson was a Democrat, Gandy shrugged and replied, “Whatever. We mind our own business with Blue-on-Blue.”

After originally having his staff tell reporters to “go check the second definition of ‘whore’ in your stupid whore dictionaries, you damn news whores!”, Grayson later held a press conference where he apologized.

“Some people,” said Grayson, “were offended by my use of the word ‘whore’. I ask you to note that I could’ve called Robertson a chancrous, ill-mannered, gutter-slut – but I didn’t. I could’ve called her a crack-addled, knee-padding, man-gargler – but I didn’t. But I did call her a ‘whore’ – in the context of the debate over whether the Federal Reserve should be independently audited – and for that slip of the tongue… I apologize.”

“As for you actual K Street whores,” concluded Grayson, “I’ll be by later tonight for my Denver Dangler.”

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Housebreaking the GOP

I like this Doug Hoffman revolt in NY23. A lot of Republicans think they can put an ‘R’ on a turd sandwich and conservatives are supposed to choke it down without saying a word. No way. Republicans are supposed to try and get the most conservative candidate who can win, but in NY23 it’s like they got someone who mis-checked her party on her voter registration. Fred Thompson, who the sun was instructed as a child to never stare directly at, explains it here:

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Better the Republicans learn this lesson now than in 2010. I have a feeling they’re going to screw up that big opportunity, but maybe if we just consistently whap them on the nose every time they’re being bad eventually they’ll learn.

Oh, and a tip for Hoffman: Change your name to “Dog Hoffman.” Makes you sound like a badass biker dude.

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Random Thoughts

I wouldn’t worry about Lieberman; I’m sure Harry Reid’s dynamic leadership will prevail in the end.

Momentum is easily described by Newtonian physics, but Joementum is a complex phenomenon better described by quantum physics.

The fact that matter can collapse on itself into a singularity forming a black hole seems like a huge design flaw. I’m just saying that if OSHA were around when the universe first formed, they never would have approved God’s “matter” idea. Not that energy is particularly safe, but it never permanently destroys information.

I know I’m not supposed to stare at the sun, but it creeps me out when the sun stares at me.

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Funniest Video I’ve Seen In a While: The Button

Saw this from Ace. It’s a parody of that upcoming movie The Box which has a premise that seems more suited for a half-hour Twilight Zone episode rather than a whole movie. Why don’t we have any half-hour dramas anymore? When did it become the law that all dramas must be an hour long? And why can’t sitcoms be longer than a half-hour? If they want an hour, they have to be at least a dramedy, which means having serious plot development along with the jokes and no laugh track. Not that I like a laugh track. It just seems snobbish that you can’t have a laugh track and be filmed in front of live studio audience and be a regular hour long show.

What was I talking about? See, this is why dramas should try being half-hour long because people don’t have long attention spans anymore.

Oh yeah, this is funny:

The Button – watch more funny videos
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Some stuffy Brit said:

“Meat is a wasteful use of water and creates a lot of greenhouse gases. It puts enormous pressure on the world’s resources.”

Being made of meat myself, I find that remark offensive.

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Lightning Round 10-26-09

The illustrated version of The Lightning Round from the 10-26-09

YouTube direct link]

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Frank Advice for Life

Never stare directly at the sun, as it could cause blindness. Also, never stare directly at the moon as it could infect your brain with moon-madness.

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Tips for Saudis Traveling Abroad

Saudi Arabia has released a travel guide for its citizens so to avoid culture clashes with tips like don’t sexually harass women and don’t invite children to your house over the internet. Here are further tips:

Saudis trying to blend in with the crowd.

Saudis trying to blend in with the crowd.


* If possible, try not to look like the villain from a Disney movie.

* People are often aware there are Jews around them, so there is no reason to point at each one and scream, “Joooooo!”

* No one is impressed by a Fat Albert impression anymore.

* Remember: What might be considered normal conversation back in Saudi Arabia could be taken as the speech of a deranged serial killer abroad.

* The big bowls of water in the restrooms are not for drinking.

* iPhones are not magical totems worth killing for and can in fact be purchased at many stores.

* The common way of getting the attention of women in Saudi Arabia is called “flashing” in other countries and is discouraged.

* When visiting another person’s home, it is impolite to eat his cat.

* The high-pitched sound coming out of women’s mouths is called “speaking,” and this is allowed in many countries.

* Claims of vast magical powers are more likely to get derision than fear.

* Not every time you eat pie is it a contest as to who finishes first.

* Chasing squirrels while shouting “Infidel!” usually gains awkward stares despite it being great exercise.

* Even if you’ve grown tired of one of your children, don’t smother him in public.

* No matter how impressed you are by the shiny buildings, don’t try climbing them.

* In general, try not to be so creepy.

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… to Frank’s theory that Obama is an 8-year-old girl.

He’s a 10-year-old boy, as proven by this photograph of him taken immediately after his first meeting with Hugo Chavez:

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lolterizt! Part 93

This week terrorists, next week That One. Submit for either at

Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From Alan ABQ:

[reference link]

From Carl:

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From MarkoMancuso:

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From Motopolitico:

[reference link (1:17)]

Also from Motopolitico:

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From Robert:

From Stephen:

[reference link]

From Steve C:

From Steve T:

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From Titus Scroad:

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From VelvetElvis:

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From VelvetElvis:

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This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:

Yes, it’s going to be all about the Mickey Mouse jokes, but it’s a big target, so be creative.

#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Snapped Shot for handy links to ripe-for-captioning photos.

Send your submissions to and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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Random Thoughts

Friendly Announcement: I have no desire to murder any of you.

Obama’s new internet regulations aren’t as bad as I thought; I can get a plea bargain as long as I turn state’s evidence on my commenters.

I got an e-mail from Obama that said that IMAO isn’t real news and that I’m a “poopyhead”. He does not want this fight!

Time for my daily practice of saying “I must break you” like Ivan Drago.

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