A More Conservative Republican Party
With Doug Hoffman having forced Scozzafava out and possibly getting elected today, many people are asking whether the Republicans should now purge moderates from its ranks. I say yes and for two reasons:
1. I don’t like moderates.
2. I like purging in general.
Of course, there’s the problem of what happens to the moderates when we purge them. Will they just go to the Democrats? Since moderate is basically a word the media uses for “liberal,” that’s pretty likely. That’s why instead when we purge people from the Republican Party, we should banish them to the Phantom Zone where its really difficult to vote from. That should be in the joining Republicans agreement: If you’re thrown out for being an annoying moderate, you shall be cast into the Phantom Zone. Frankly, I think Arlen Specter would be happier that way.
So what do we do with our new, even more conservative Republican Party? We adopt new super-conservative tenets! Here are my ideas:
NEW TENETS FOR THE MORE CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICAN PARTY
* If you want to propose a tax increase, write about it on your suicide note before blowing your brains out.
* A new, compassionate illegal immigration policy should start with walls of flames on our borders.
* We will not negotiate with terrorists, nor with those who harbor them, nor with those who whine about what we do to terrorists and those who harbor them. It should be noted that “not negotiate” means “shoot in the face.”
* We will not negotiate with those who want to expand government.
* Never again should a useless liberal be president. We must do all we can to put them in their proper place: Doing silly dances while we throw nickels at them.
* Biggest problem facing America: Too many sissies.
That’s just a start. Hopefully the Republicans will adopt these tenets are we might be forced to go to a third party. And you’ll know they’ll just have tenets that are unworkably extreme.
(28 votes, average: 4.75 out of 5)
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November 3rd, 2009 at 12:21 pm
I prefer the word cull instead of purge. If you purge them they may come back, but if you cull them, well that is a bit for decisive.
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:27 pm
I prefer the term exterminate. purge just sounds so hippieish.
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:40 pm
I noticed the Arabs are bringing back crucifixion…I’m just sayin…
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:44 pm
I agree with ussjc. We must take our enemies and crucify them along all roads leading to Washington, D.C. As a warning to others.
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:52 pm
I think these so-called moderates should make their own party…The Wishy-Washy Party. If you can’t choose between Right and Liberal, then you know where to go.
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:59 pm
I think it should be mandatory to punch hippies, and maybe have hippies locked up in your basement for when you are having a bad day and just need to pun ch something useless
November 3rd, 2009 at 2:19 pm
I like the sentiment, but “purge” sounds like what a bulimic does after eating a cheez-it. Isn’t there a better way to describe their banishment to the Phantom Zone? Maybe something like “Thermonuclear Stream-Crossing Quantum Annihilation, oooonly on Pay-per-View“?
November 3rd, 2009 at 2:42 pm
Wishing them into the Phantom Zone is okay….but….I think wishing them into the Corn Field would be much better. Where is Billy Mummy when we really need him??
November 3rd, 2009 at 2:43 pm
how does Fred Thompson fit into this new party? I’m surprised that neither he nor hippie-punching are featured prominently in this new party.
Oh, and I’ll go on record as saying I’m not really comfortable with the whole “purge” thing…sounds a bit Staliny to me.
November 3rd, 2009 at 2:55 pm
I disagree, innominatus. When I think of the word “purge”, I think, “KGB will ask the questions!”
November 3rd, 2009 at 3:13 pm
Any Republican will have nothing to do with Acorn.
Siberia is run by commies. Let’s send them there to join their freinds. They’ll have a gulag ol’ time. Or Detroit.
November 3rd, 2009 at 3:16 pm
Marko and ussjc,
That’s all well and good until we get a bunch of sissy Hippies standing up whining “I am Obamacus!” Of course it will make head shots easier when their standing up ans still.
Actually, scratch that, Marko and ussjc, you have a great plan.
November 3rd, 2009 at 3:28 pm
Clearly, there must be an infected blanket program to spred the Pelosi, er, swine flu to RINOs and libs.
November 3rd, 2009 at 5:05 pm
Additional offenses that will lead to purge/cull/extermination/anniliation:
* acting sanctimonious about Global Warming or appearing in a Global Warming TV ad, as if Global Warmin can be proven
* hinting that celebrating Christmas by anyone could ever violate the first Amendment
* anyone who takes the so-called profession of “community organizer” seriously
* anyone who questions the need for tort reform
* anyone who thinks that a Washington beaucracy can allocate anything – especially healthcare – better than the free market
November 3rd, 2009 at 5:05 pm
Additional offenses that will lead to purge/cull/extermination/anniliation:
* acting sanctimonious about Global Warming or appearing in a Global Warming TV ad, as if Global Warmin can be proven
* hinting that celebrating Christmas by anyone could ever violate the first Amendment
* anyone who takes the so-called profession of “community organizer” seriously
* anyone who questions the need for tort reform
* anyone who thinks that a Washington beaucracy can allocate anything – especially healthcare – better than the free market
November 3rd, 2009 at 5:05 pm
Additional offenses that will lead to purge/cull/extermination/anniliation:
* acting sanctimonious about Global Warming or appearing in a Global Warming TV ad, as if Global Warmin can be proven
* hinting that celebrating Christmas by anyone could ever violate the first Amendment
* anyone who takes the so-called profession of “community organizer” seriously
* anyone who questions the need for tort reform
* anyone who thinks that a Washington beaucracy can allocate anything – especially healthcare – better than the free market
November 3rd, 2009 at 5:06 pm
sorry about that.
November 3rd, 2009 at 5:42 pm
Purge,cull,crucify,exterminate,annihilate JEEZ! Just a good ol’ South Texas @ss whoopin’ will do.
I mean it always works for me.
November 3rd, 2009 at 6:54 pm
Frank J says too many sissies. I’ll drink to that.
November 3rd, 2009 at 7:05 pm
Have you ever seen those water playgrounds that have fountains of water that shoot up at random intervals happily drenching children? I think we should make one of those along the border, only make them shoot FOUNTAINS OF FIRE! I really like the walls of fire idea but seeing the suprised looks caused by fountains of fire would be classic!
November 3rd, 2009 at 7:27 pm
* Anyone supporting cap-’n-trade legislation will have their asses capped and their heads traded.
* Anyone writing or voting for earmarks will have their ears cut off and fed to monkeys.
* Anyone voting for climate legislation will have “Gore Bull Warning” seared into their foreheads with a branding iron.
* Anyone telling me I need to take care of the less-fortunate shall become one of them and have their assets confiscated and distributed to all the less-fortunate. (Take care of your damn self or get off the planet.)
* And the people constantly blaming Bush will have their mouths sewn shut.
November 3rd, 2009 at 8:59 pm
“They have no lawyers among them, for they consider them as a sort of people whose profession it is to disguise matters.”
– Sir Thomas More, Utopia (1516) Of Law and Magistrates.
“The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.”
– William Shakespeare, King Henry the Sixth, Part II (1591).
“And you experts in the law, woe to you, because you load people down with burdens they can hardly carry, and you yourselves will not lift one finger to help them.”
– Luke 11:46
There is precedence – I’m just sayin’…
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:00 pm
Purges ARE fun!
“Drive the new GMC Purge”
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:40 pm
I am NOT giving my hard earned nickels to liberals! I see us making them dance while we poke them with cains and throwing our empty beer cans at them. Kinda like Chris Elliot in Cabin Boy.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:48 pm
So who are the 6000+ people that were clueless enough to still vote for Scozzafava?