Comments on: Monkey Collider

By: pst314

pst314 — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 19:07:38 +0000

“Reminds me of a true story about bird colliders.”

Also known as the Linear Chicken Accelerator, or LCA. Very useful in many areas of high-energy physics. Substitute ducks and you can even establish an energy threshold for the production of quacks.

By: Bad Science

Bad Science — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 22:11:01 +0000

I like the slingshot idea, but put the monkeys on skateboards and put the skateboards on railings. That way, if the monkeys don’t collide at least they’ll rack their nads.

By: IMAO » Blog Archive » More on Monkey Colliding

IMAO » Blog Archive » More on Monkey Colliding — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 20:04:03 +0000

[...] my discussion of how to accelerate monkeys to high speed, someone suggested we use the Mexi-Cannon™. One of things people enjoy about IMAO is the [...]

By: harleycowboy

harleycowboy — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 18:13:41 +0000

You have to use monkeys from Oz. The others aren’t aerodynamic.

By: Weisenheimer Brainstorm

Weisenheimer Brainstorm — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 08:10:03 +0000

What’s the big deal about monkeys slamming into each other? At Yearly Kos they call that Saturday.

By: 4 of 7

4 of 7 — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 04:03:44 +0000

#13 – IH8Socialist,
That sounds like a job for the Department of Redundancy Department.

By: Fiftycal

Fiftycal — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 03:55:46 +0000

It’s better to use dolphins like “flipper”. They are kinda round and long and their nice leathery skin catches the rifling so they spin when coming out of the cannon. Now when we get the LASER cannon, we can shoot them into each other fast enough to get a nuklear explosun!

By: Terry_Jim

Terry_Jim — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 23:39:50 +0000

Ha!
Reminds me of a true story about bird colliders.
To test the bird -proof windshields of airplanes, NASA engineers built bird cannon that would
fire a chicken carcass to test the strength and safety of their design.

A British design team borrowed the bird cannon to test a new high speed locomotive, but the first time they fired it, to their horror, the chicken shot through the windscreen, broke the engineer’s headrest off the seat and embedded itself in the bulkhead behind the seat.

The manufacturer sent off the information to NASA,
who after analyzing the data sent back the reply,
“Thaw the chicken.”

Now , if you freeze the monkeys, are they superconductive?

By: Dave_in_PB

Dave_in_PB — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 22:21:42 +0000

Yeah … You need to use a banana … Place a banana in the monkey colliider zone. Spin the monkeys in the monkey centrifuge then release the monkeys. Pull the Banana out of the monkey collider zone just as the monkeys enter the monkey collider zone going after the banana. BOOM! Monkey Collider!

By: Keith

Keith — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 22:13:18 +0000

It’s simple. All it takes is two Mexi-cannons, aimed at each other, and a couple dozen monkeys.

I’m with Corona; we should definitely repeat the experiment with liberals. In fact, to complete a proper particle interaction chart, it should be tested with multiple combinations of monkeys, hippies, hobos, and liberals.

By: Live Free Or Die

Live Free Or Die — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 21:54:39 +0000

Damn that powerful monkey rights lobby! Damn them all to hell!
I suppose next they’ll get the Monkey Breeding Facility, in Puerto Rico, shut down.

By: Corona

Corona — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 20:42:39 +0000

If you replace monkeys with liberals I’m sold.

By: rayfan87

rayfan87 — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 20:11:37 +0000

I hope you guys are using compressed air cannons, black powder would cause too much damage before they even collide and at that point you might as well be using ground beef.

By: saveacountryeatalib

saveacountryeatalib — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 20:05:38 +0000

I think the random monkey flight problem could be solved with monkey shotguns which would put far more monkeys into the air per shot, thereby increasing the likelyhood of a solid monkey monkey collision. Of course proper choke selection is imperative for success, you want a relatively tight pattern.

By: IH8Socialist

IH8Socialist — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 19:17:49 +0000

How bout we make a hippie collider. Maybe we could make a marxist collider, a liberal collider, a socialist collider, an enviromentalist collider, a pinko commie collider. the possibilities are endless.

By: Johnny I

Johnny I — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 18:18:05 +0000

“Monkey collider” : (n.) 1. The informal DOT nickname for crash test apparatus pre-crash test dummy.

By: Wacky Hermit

Wacky Hermit — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 17:48:17 +0000

While I don’t have monkeys, I do have little boys (which as everyone knows are very similar to monkeys in that they grunt a lot and fling their poo). I don’t seem to have any trouble at all getting them to collide with each other. In fact I spend a good portion of each day trying to keep them from colliding with each other hard enough to do damage. PETA gets really upset if you let your boys damage each other.

By: Jimmy

Jimmy — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 17:36:58 +0000

A superconducting monkey collider

or,

A superconducting monkey super collider ?

It depend if you want to achieve MEV or better, GEV, and the infamous Higgs banana for a brief moment.

By: innominatus

innominatus — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 17:28:37 +0000

I haven’t had much luck. Even with a smoothbore cannon barrel, the monkeys get really disfigured when I use the ramrod on them. Hard to tell what is collision damage and what is loading damage. I guess I need a breechloading cannon. Yes, there may be some vague innuendo in what I just said, but think of the kiddies before going there. Actually don’t think of the kiddies, that’s even worse.

Since most hippies are sufficiently evolved to count as primates, we should test to see whether they can be used as a viable monkey analog. Hippies are more abundant (at least around here in Oregon) and generally larger, which would dramatically improve the likelihood of a collision. And even on high-speed they are hard to differentiate from ordinary monkeys.

By: cjtony97

cjtony97 — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 16:56:00 +0000

TerribleTroy – Once? riiiiiiiiiight.

I just get between them with a banana tied to a stick. Stupid monkeys.

By: Beersnob

Beersnob — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 16:51:42 +0000

Play old-school punk rock around them

By: MarkoMancuso

MarkoMancuso — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 16:37:32 +0000

Capture two monkeys, grab a monkey with each hand, and slam the monkeys into each other.

“Stop hitting yourselves! Stop hitting yourselves! Stupid monkeys!”

The fun never ends.

By: JavelinaBomb

JavelinaBomb — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 16:28:12 +0000

Spoiler Alert: The link to the other website says “monkey” collider but clearly the picture shows a bunch of APES! If you’re talking about building a super ape collider, I have an unlimited supply. I call them “neighbors” and it would only take a six pack of Bud to lure them into a cannon.

By: TerribleTroy

TerribleTroy — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 16:23:50 +0000

While I have never slammed a monkey … I spanked one once…. Am I going to hell?

By: JavelinaBomb

JavelinaBomb — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 16:19:37 +0000

If the zoo won’t let me back in after the giraffe incident, there’s no way they’ll let me collide a bunch of monkeys.