Comments on: More on Monkey Colliding

By: Mikee

Mikee — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 18:47:12 +0000

I have seen videos of monkeys in a centrifuge used to simulate the g-forces of rocket launches. Two such centrifuges, built near each other, with opposing spins, could have timers that released the monkeys at high speed in such an exacting manner that they would collide on their tangential trajectories from their original circular paths.

Putting the detector at the point of collision would be simply a matter of calculating flight times for the monkeys based on their masses and original velocities.

What exactly one would detect, and how, then becomes the next major obstacle in this particular experimental setup. I would suggest bringing lots of floor (and wall and ceiling) cleaner, and mops and buckets and hoses.

By: TX Patriot

TX Patriot — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 16:21:21 +0000

Since I’m not 100% sure what we’re trying to accomplish, how about this: We take Obama, clone him, and then fire him and his clone out of mexi-cannons. This would eliminate all the time required for r & d on the monkey cannons. Or we could mingle his and the clone’s dna with primate dna and then you would have a super obama monkey collider. Just a thought.

By: hwy93

hwy93 — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 04:52:05 +0000

The biggest problem, though, is that monkeys tend to flail about quite a lot when fired through the air.

This too can be solved through the proper application of duct tape.

By: ussjimmycarter

ussjimmycarter — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 04:33:16 +0000

Frank, come up with a plan for the next time our President bows to some tin-horn leader of some 2nd rate country. Get the Monkey Cannon ready and fire a Primate up his ass when he is in full “subservient worship the ground you walk on” mode!

That would be like very awesome!

By: shiggz

shiggz — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 20:29:29 +0000

Ive been thinking, you should start ending each post with “Remember folks to spay and neuter your local hippies”

By: Son of Bob

Son of Bob — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 19:03:26 +0000

Obama bows before the monkeys.

By: NO_MO_BAMA

NO_MO_BAMA — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 16:25:12 +0000

To fire the gun, a solenoid-driven needle struck and ruptured the diaphragm, allowing the compressed air to drive the ~~chicken~~ monkey (in its container - a cylindrical cardboard ice cream carton) down the barrel. At the muzzle, a metal ring stopped the carton, but allowed the ~~chicken~~ monkey to pass through. Slow-motion cameras photographed the ~~chicken~~ monkey impacting ~~a fighter windshield~~ another monkey in the ~~test bed~~ head. 2/3 of science! is ripped off from other people so there you go.

By: ussjimmycarter

ussjimmycarter — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 11:34:31 +0000

If you were any kind of science guy, Frank you would simply come up with a “flailing’s quotient”, call it the Franks bosson and fire the damn cannon! Too much thinkin’ going on and not enough blastin’ ma’ boy!

By: Peter

Peter — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 10:57:29 +0000

Duh! Since we start losing velocity the moment a projectile exits the muzzle of your cannons it’s really simple. Just place the cannon muzzles two feet from each other and fire away. Since we aren’t really sure how much energy would be released in the high velocity monkey colliding, just make sure to use a pair of strings about three times as long to your monkey-cannon triggers as you think you’ll need.

By: 4 of 7

4 of 7 — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 07:56:40 +0000

I forgot. What Science!tific principle was all this monkey colliding going to prove again? Is there some theoretical sub-monkey particle out there we hoped to discover? The Higgs Bonzo? Anti-monkeys? Quantum black-monkeys? Beppo the Super-string monkey?
Wouldn’t you get the same effect if one monkey was held in place and the other monkey was moving twice as fast – like strapped to the back of a greyhound on crystal meth?

By: redc1c4

redc1c4 — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 07:16:45 +0000

1. if you are using sabots, you want the barrel to bee smooth bore, for higher velocity. … we just have to attach some fins to the monkeys for stability in flight and voila, you have created HVFSDSM rounds…..

either that, or carpet a suitably sized area with duct taped monkeys, side by side, and then air drop more of them from a suitable altitude, with either a streamer or the above fins for stability….. monkey carpet bombing, which is, humorously enough, what you would have in the impact area afterward… %-)

By: MarkoMancuso

MarkoMancuso — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 05:58:22 +0000

Tom Brady? A pretty boy best suited for magazine ads. Drew Brees is a nerd and has the advantage of Science!.

By: TX Patriot

TX Patriot — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 05:34:13 +0000

How about straight jackets? That would seem to cut flailing down to a minimum. And from my own point of view, the only thing better than firing monkeys out of a high powered cannon is firing straight-jacketed monkeys out of a high powered cannon.

By: Eric

Eric — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 03:33:39 +0000

12 was on the right track with the sabot, 17 was close with velcro, 23 was almost on the spot with duct tape. So where to go from there.

1. Pre-tape the monkeys arms at it’s sides.
2. shape the sabot to the monkey body shape. Rifle the barrel.
3. FIRE!

The monkey has spin, the sabot falls away, the duct tape is proven to be cannon worthy (Mythbusters).
BONUS: If you miss the monkey collision, you get to rip the tape of the monkey just for fun! And the monkey will be re-usable.

By: Stan

Stan — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 03:20:07 +0000

A few simple observations.
1. Drew Brees? Ni^^ah Pleez. TOM BRADY!
2. I would suggest that the hippie collider cannon be made in sub-sonic velocities. I want to hear them scream and see them hit in slo-mo. Speed up the velocity with each successive test. Yeah!
3. Have stunts for the tests. Launch the hippie collider cannon through the impact zone of the Monkey Collider and do it on the US-Mexican Border while simutainiously shooting the Mexi-cannon.
4. For funding, claim to be an ACORN off-shoot (White Oak Industries?) and threaten to sue the federal gov’t if they suspend funding.
5. Lubrication for any collider/cannon is not necessary as Mexicans and Hippies are self lubricating (greasers, greasy)and Monkeys are know to produce their own toss (as in “slicker than shit”).
6. Drew Brees? Ni^^ah Pleez! TOM BRADY!

By: MarkoMancuso

MarkoMancuso — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 01:19:20 +0000

We could simply attach them to drones.

But it’s difficult to give up on my locomotive idea. Stupid monkeys would probably make “Chooo chooo” noises before impact. Stupid monkeys!

By: Rick

Rick — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 01:10:51 +0000

Does the Society for the Protection of Monkeykind know about this?

By: The Chuck

The Chuck — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 00:13:19 +0000

Three words.

Tiny.

Monkey.

Straitjackets.

By: lancealot

lancealot — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 00:07:08 +0000

maybe you could use the abortions thing to get him to let you nuke the moon just tell him a woman is up there giving birth but doesn’t want a kid

By: D-Rock

D-Rock — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 23:31:18 +0000

Are you sure you want to do it with hippies? I mean, imagine the smell.

By: DesertElephant

DesertElephant — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 23:27:38 +0000

@IH8, Aren’t the two Synonymous?

@POB, Monkey Physics are even more baffling and mysterious than that Quantum Physics we keep hearing about.

By: Sgt Relic

Sgt Relic — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 23:20:37 +0000

I think I favor the hippie collider as a starting point, if successful you could then move on to higher life forms such as monkeys!

By: thorschariot

thorschariot — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 22:41:39 +0000

the solution for the flailing monkeys is obvious…..duct tape!

By: IH8Socialist

IH8Socialist — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 22:24:33 +0000

@ MDr you can substitute hippies with hobo’s.

By: Plentyobailouts

Plentyobailouts — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 22:23:08 +0000

MDr says: A hippie collider? They’ve given up on hobos?

if hippies and hobos collide, you get lou dobbs. So the two forms of matters should never be in proximity of each other.