Republican Purity Test

Posted on November 24, 2009 1:02 pm

Some people at the RNC had the idea to make a list of ten Republican principles and you won’t receive RNC funding if you disagree with three or more of them. That sounds like a neat idea, and it’s not a litmus test, as you can pick any two you want to be a squish on.

In fact, it’s such a neat idea I’m coming up with a list of my own ten Republican principles:

(1) Punching hippies is a legal form of expression.

(2) The moon should be declared hostile and nuked.

(3) The average American should be armed like Neo from the lobby scene at all times.

(4) Nachos are awesome.

(5) The federal government needs to stop wasteful spending. Also, researching giant war robots and dinosaurs with rocket launchers on them is not wasteful.

(6) America owns Antarctica.

(7) It’s not good diplomacy unless the foreign leaders are kneeling before us.

(8) Vampires shouldn’t sparkle.

(9) The fact that we torture terrorists isn’t horrific and is actually kind of funny.

(10) Biggest problem facing our nation: Too many sissies.

If you disagree with one of them, the punishment is for everyone to look at you and yell, “What’s wrong with you!” If you disagree with two of them, you get beaten up after RNC meetings. If you disagree with three, you lose RNC funding. And if you disagree with four or more, Fred Thompson punches you in the face such that your head explodes.

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42 Responses to “Republican Purity Test”

  1. Anna says:

    Hmmm… I agree with 8 of the 10 RNC points, but I agree with all 10 of Frank’s points…

    Frank J for POTUS!

  2. storm1911 says:

    11. No American president may ever get a bucket stuck on his head. Ever. Or bow.

  3. Silhouette says:

    Now, to set this to music!

    On the first day of the convention my delegate said to me, “Let’s punch a smelly hippy”

  4. MarkoMancuso says:

    (12) Any country that take soccer seriously will be nuked and turned into a penal colony where we will begin building an army of clones.

  5. MarkoMancuso says:

    (13) The best way to solve a dispute is to have a pirate and a ninja fight each other. At first glance, this wouldn’t solve the dispute, but….hey, a pirate and a ninja are fighting. Look at that! What were you saying?

  6. MarkoMancuso says:

    (14) You cannot be a member of the Republican party if you haven’t watched Dirty Harry.

  7. LiberalToTheMax says:

    15. The Second Amendment is absolute (unless you voted for Obama)

  8. Jimmy says:

    (15) Canada shall become our 51st state. They will pay all the taxes since they love paying them so much.

    (16) Mexicans shall be allowed to immigrate illegally right into the breaches of the thousands of Mexi-Cannons wherein they will be shot right the hell back to Mexico.

    (17) Planned Parenthood, the National Education Association, ACORN, and the ACLU will all be declared ‘illegal immigrants.’ See #16 above for correct remedy.

    (18) See #16 in general. If anything doesn’t work right in our Federal government, just shoot it into Mexico. The State Department is a good candidate.

  9. Plentyobailouts says:

    Wow I got 19 of 20. I really don’t care about Frank’s #8. I mean this is America, and vampires can sparkle if they want, not that there is anything wrong with that. Doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be ridiculed for it.

    Jimmy has a good point about mexico. We could use it for a landfill, there is plenty of room. I am not sure about making canada a state. They talk funny and whine a lot, and we already have commiefornistan for that.

  10. Choey says:

    I can only support #4 if melted queso is mandatory.

  11. Veeshir says:

    The only problem I have is that some of those should not be optional.

    I mean, do you really want to be in a party with someone who doesn’t think nachos are awesome?
    What’s next, will we allow commies or John McCain in too?

  12. MarkoMancuso says:

    (19) You must support our invasion of Canada in our war for maple syrup and oil.

  13. Politics A Definition, “Figures Lie and Liars Figure” « Moonbat Patrol links:

    […] Obama drops to the lowest approval rating. Ed Morrissey/Hot Air  3rd quarter GDP 2.8% not 3.5% IMAO  Republican Purity Test Legal Insurrection  Why are the Democrats Holding Louisiana Hostage? Michelle Malkin   9/11 […]

  14. shiggz says:

    Gotta be a Larry Craig or guy from Florida joke somewhere with a headline like that. We need to stick to some sort of coherent ideological principles to not bend on or else were like liberals who’s public morals change daily to fit whatever is the opposite of boooosh boogey man.

    Canada, if we decide conquer them it will be something like text messaging them an eviction notice I say this as having friends who are heavy weapons support in the Canadian military. The Canadian military could probably hurt us worse then we might assume. However, all we have to do is drop pamphlets of “teh won” promising double welfare for everyone after the invasion. Then snap and the keys of ruling are handed over. Sound crazy you say? That’s exactly how everything works once you get government funded health-care. Whoever promises the most wins because basically everyone is on welfare.

  15. Hwuu says:

    I say we cover the moon with advertising. Put sponsor stickers on it that are visible from earth like its a big round glowing Nascar. That doesn’t mean we can’t nuke it first.

    Make it legal to immigrate here for anyone who loves this country. For those that don’t they can settle Antarctica for us. Antarctica would also be a good place for the “sissies”. Wintering over should knock the sis out of most people.

  16. IH8Socialist says:

    nachos, guns, punching hippies, taking over Canada, foreign foreiners bowing before us because of our awesomeness……..I love it!!!!!

  17. shiggz says:

    Sitting here watching “Yes Minister” I had some thoughts. Obama was elected to put the brakes on runaway government but he hit the gas. If the right is to impotent too take advantage of that and lose another election it will be even worse mistakes then nominating McCain or Dole to run against clever charismatic men whose pants are on fire. So how about this for a rule, Old stodgy war hero’s can and should be Vice President but never shall they run as president.

  18. ss396 says:

    (20) Every citizen must own at least one working firearm, with ammunition, that meets the minimum standards as set by the NRA.

    If they can do it with health insurance, which isn’t in the Constitution, they can do it with firearms- which ARE in the constitution. And if Obama / Pelosi / Reid can have their regulations written by lobby groups, so can we.

    Even Switzerland thinks it’s a good idea, if any lefties are looking for a European model to emulate.

  19. nightfly says:

    (21) We should exploit the Fred Thompson gap to intimidate Europe into submission. Those who love their own freedom will be grateful, and the EU-types are always on the lookout for someone to submit to; better the United States than Marxists or Islamists. Everybody wins.

    (22) The First Amendment shall once again apply to every and each attempt to impose the government’s will on a church.

    (23) If a fast-food joint wants to fry stuff in lard, good for them. They can go out of business the old-fashioned way, by losing customers.

    (24) Laws will deal only with the law in question. No more “Tort Reform and Build Another F&!#*#$ Bridge in My District” nonsense.

    (25) Whenever we ignore world opnion the President must say, “I’m altering the deal; pray I don’t alter it further.” (NOTE – works best if Dick Cheney is President.)

    (26) Legislators who run up the public debt are personally responsible for paying it back, rather than the taxpayer.

  20. shiggz says:

    Maybe we can also hold position of “Limited and open government”, Rather then the current “limited open government”

  21. Jimmy says:

    Someone at Ace commented that instead of a list of points, the Republican Party should first lay-down some basic principles, for a change. I would like to declare :

    1. First principle of Freedom: WOLVERINES!

  22. ussjimmycarter says:

    We own Mexico and Canada, Mexicans and Canadians are illegal aliens and shall get out!

  23. Plentyobailouts says:

    #21 USSJC,

    Wait, if we get rid of all the mexicans, who will do all the stealing, drug dealing, and cuttiing of the lawn?

    If we get rid of all the canadians….uuh, I got nothing

  24. Thor says:


    Although, I say we incorporate UFC/MMA and hockey. We’ll call it “Bloodsport”. Should be up there with “Running Man”.

  25. Ken says:

    Probably need to include something about bacon.

  26. Terry_Jim says:

    RE # 8 – Vampires may sparkle,
    but only when they are burning,
    and right before they explode-

    Micheal Bay

  27. RightHooks says:

    No, Canada does not need to be invaded.

    We will simply announce to them one day, “Hey, guess what? You’re all Americans!” They will embrace this opportunity eagerly and quickly. They will celebrate. The hockey players will fight. And they will all get their guns back.

    What a day that will be!

    The only rule we will impose on them is that their Canadian Football League fields must be cut down to be the same size as all NFL football fields and they must announce that Doug Flutie was the CFL’s greatest player in history.

    Then we will send the Canadian hockey players to Washington and tell them that Obama, Pelosi and Reid are trying to turn THEIR American health care into what the former country of Canada’s was…

    Extra dentists will be needed on site.

  28. ussjimmycarter says:

    French Canadians shall be exported to France, however! No speaking French in America!

  29. Penultimatum says:

    (1) Punching hippies is a legal form of expression. — Hell yeah.

    (2) The moon should be declared hostile and nuked. — The moon is benign. How about we nuke something malignant, like Mecca?

    (3) The average American should be armed like Neo from the lobby scene at all times. — Unless involved in sex, when the weaopons just have ot be in arms reach.

    (4) Nachos are awesome. — Hell yeah.

    (5) The federal government needs to stop wasteful spending. Also, researching giant war robots and dinosaurs with rocket launchers on them is not wasteful. — Hell yeah.

    (6) America owns Antarctica. — Was this in question? I thought we owned everything.

    (7) It’s not good diplomacy unless the foreign leaders are kneeling before us. — Hell yeah.

    (8) Vampires shouldn’t sparkle. — Constitution doesn’t say anything about that. Let them sparkle if their state allows it.

    (9) The fact that we torture terrorists isn’t horrific and is actually kind of funny. — Hey, buddy – terrorists have rights too. Particularly, the right to tell us everything they know. And then make up stuff in case they missed something.

    (10) Biggest problem facing our nation: Too many sissies. — Hell yeah. Palin/ Norris/ Nugent/ Petraeus 2012.

  30. Skul says:

    After reading all the comments….
    To steal one….Hell Yeah!

  31. Jimmy says:

    I guess the ground hog “Republican Underground” is coming out of it’s hole – baring conservative fangs!

  32. island girl says:

    Everyone has to speak English and anyone caught speaking in another tongue spends the rest of his life building a wall of borders with alligators and sharks snapping and licking their chops

  33. island girl says:

    that was #27 – for the Yankees

  34. Son of Bob says:

    Flaming gay guys make lousy American Idols and should be banned from any contest in which they may in even the most remote way be a representative for America.

  35. BigRichardSmall says:

    28# Cannot vote for something that is against the 10th Ammendment.

    29# Must introduce legislation that removes all government programs that infringe on the 10th Ammendment.

    30# Must have seen at a minimum, 4 John Wayne movies. Comancheros, The Man Who Shot Liberty Vance, and Donavans Reef counts as two movies since they co-star Lee Marvin.

    31# Must vote to have All State Department functions will be handeled by the Department of Defense.

    32# Cannot support legislation that will cripple our economy based on a hippie cult religion.

  36. BigRichardSmall says:

    What the hell makes a vampire sparkle? Do they put make-up on or something? Since I think I’m the last person on earth that hasn’t seen Twilight, Is the story about metrosexual vampires? Let me guess, the lead charecter drives a Volvo.

  37. shiggz says:

    You can watch the rifftrax of twilight. That was my compromise with the woman.

  38. ussjimmycarter says:

    The country shall by decree (from Sarah Palin the new POTUS) become a land of manly men and women that are glad of it!

  39. Barb says:

    OK, it hasn’t been a month yet, but this is urgent, since these are such excellent principles they will immediately be adopted and I’m living in the Dunkin Donuts market just now and those don’t taste anywhere near as good as what I remember from back when I was kid:

    Trans fats are good for your soul (and so are sugar and salt and regular fats and caffeine and any other stuff that makes the heads of foodnazis explode).

  40. zzyzx says:

    Punching hippies is a legal form of expression….but don’t try it with Arab terrorists….just ask the Seals.

  41. Orwellian says:

    I think that we should work in a rule where punching X hippies gets you a free gun that you could trade in along with more punched hippies for a larger carrier. “Man, the only way I’m going to get that Browning M2 is if we go to Berkeley this weekend. Or I can save up, go to Burning Man and earn a tank!”

    There should also be a provision for jalapenos in the nacho plank. Or perhaps illegals can earn citizenship if they bring enough jalapenos for everyone.

  42. Orwellian says:

    A well punched Hippitude, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to punch and kick Hippies, shall not be infringed.

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