Universe Once Again Conspiring Against Science!
A baguette dropped by a bird has shut down the Large Hadron Collider. This is further evidence that the universe is out to stop humanity from discovering the Higgs boson. It is unknown why the universe would do this, but its anti-Science! attitude will not be tolerated. Yes, the discovery of the Higgs boson could destroy the universe, but if the universe is against scientific discovery, then it deserves to be destroyed. Anyway, if discovering some elementary particle is going to destroy the universe, then it’s done with. Get used to it. And next time make a less fragile universe with hardier bosons.
Science!
(21 votes, average: 4.76 out of 5)
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November 9th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
Maybe they need to make a less fragile Collider. A baguette dropped by a bird? How French can you get? What’s next? Will they shut it down because it had a tummy ache? Pansies.
November 9th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
Wow.. I used to think the “LHC end of the world” scenarios were bogus, but when you consider the magnitude of what the machine does compared to the fact that a piece of bread dropped from a bird shut it down *again*… I’m starting to question….
I would rather something that makes baby-blackholes were a bit more.. I dunno.. robust?
November 9th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
If an infinite number of birds dropped an infinite number of baguetters, would Frank J. ‘s head explode from the inconceivability of it?
November 9th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
I can see the press conference now…
30 secs before taking the mike
Scientist 1: “We can’t tell them what happened. I could cause a global panic.”
Scientist 2: “What do we tell them then?”
Scientist 1: “I dunno.. make something up.”
–Press Conference–
Scientist 1: “So yeah. We had a bit of a technical glitch, but everything is fine. We are back on schedule.”
Reporter 1: “Mark Jones, API. What exactly was the nature of the malfunction?”
Scientist 2: “It was a… er… bird. A bird caused the problem.”
Scientist 1: *whispered* “A BIRD? That was just stupid! You idiot! The last thing we need is a bunch of enviro-wackos protesting…”
Reporter 2: “Cynthia Martins, WPeTA San Francisco. Are you telling us that your machine sucked in and killed a poor innocent bird?”
Scientist 1: “We assure you, no wildlife were harmed in the incident.”
Reporter 2: “So how exactly did a bird compromise your machine if it were not ground up in some sort of machinery?”
Scientist 1: “It was most likely something it carried. I think it was spooked and dropped it.”
Reporter 2: “So you are negatively affecting the natural habitat by causing the wildlife to lose food?”
Scientist 2: “No no no! We are sure it was something.. er.. manmade. Not from the local habitat.”
Scientist 1: *whispered* “You idiot! Shut up!”
Reporter 2: “Man-made… Like…?”
Scientist 2: “I don’t know… bread?”
Scientist 1: *whacks Scientist 1 upside the head* “No further questions. Thank you.”
November 9th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
At least it wasn’t a coconut dropped by a pair of swallows.
November 9th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
They say “the future” is actively resisting the LHC. So “the future” sends a bird with some bread? Is that all they got? Is that the best “the future” can do? No autonomous deathbots wrapped in human skin?
The future looks like it could be quite diasppointing…
November 9th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
The Universe is conspiring against UNNATURAL Science!
A bagette(girl bagel) dropped by a bird would not have stopped Sir Isaac Newton gravity experiments, it would have confirmed them.
The Universe uses the foolish things in nature to confound the ‘wise’
Unnatural Science!, like unnatural sex, cannot be condoned by rational individuals.
November 9th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
It makes me glad that they’re having all these retarded problems over in Europe instead of here in the U.S. I mean, we’d probably have the same sort of problems, but this way I can openly mock the whole of Europe for sucking at science!
November 9th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
It wasn’t bread. It was doodoo. The LHC is in deep doodoo.
November 9th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
I don’t know if slamming two hippies togther at the speed of light would help discover the Higgs Bison but it sure would be cool.
November 9th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
“And next time make a less fragile universe with hardier bosons.”
Are you talking to God, Frank? Be careful he doesn’t smite you with an angry Higgs. You wouldn’t like Higgs when he’s angry. I ran into Higgs the other day and he was one pissed-off Bosun.
November 9th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
Science! I keeel you….
November 9th, 2009 at 5:35 pm
Higgs called! He is pretty upset about his life. All the kids in school use to call a wedgie a boson where he’s from. After years of tormet Higgs became a girl so that she could have a lesbian affair with a married woman. When asked about it it, Higgs replied “how gay is that?”…
November 9th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
Back in the day, people use to take the collider seriously – it even made them afraid of the end of the world for a brief shining moment … that was then…. but when you lose a battle with a baguette, your days of instilling fear upon the masses are pretty much over.
November 9th, 2009 at 7:47 pm
How lame is America now? Fifty million American flag-waving, tea-party, small-government, kill the bill, patriots can’t keep congress from passing legislation, but one fat bird with a crust of stale french bread can shut down the biggest science experiment of all time. IN FRANCE! I am depressed.
November 9th, 2009 at 8:06 pm
‘Tis well known that Science! is a black man.
I’m just sayin’.
Dang racist birds.
November 9th, 2009 at 8:09 pm
You know, in my universe where hope and change has not occurred, we are waiting for this thing to finally rip a hole in the whole space time continuum so we can exchange our John Mcsame, for you’re universe’s B.O. So can you guys get it together, already. “Not ere’ universe can benefit from the splendor, of the illuminating light of Barack Hussian jamal warner
hakkem Obama’s dictatorship as your universe so obviously has”. You jerks! I want to be you, all of you!
November 9th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
I remember when they tried to build a supercolider in America. They got as far as digging the big circular hole in the ground and lavishly furnishing the offices of the directors of the project; but when it came out that they had no idea how to to build the superconducting magnets they’d need to actually make the thing work, Congress pulled the funding. Those were the good old days. Sigh. I wonder what they did with the hole.
November 9th, 2009 at 8:28 pm
WTF IS A BAGUETTE?!
I thought it was another name for a small purse, but apparently it’s some kind of flying gaybread…
November 9th, 2009 at 8:34 pm
I believe America’s collider is surrounding Waxahachie TX, Clinton cut funding in 1993 when it was discovered that it could possibly attract birds
November 9th, 2009 at 8:40 pm
This is further evidence that the universe is out to stop humanity from discovering the Higgs boson.
The universe has failed in its attempt. I discovered a Higgs boson yesterday while doing my laundry. It was under the pile of dirty socks. It was quite a relief to find it; I was wondering where it had gotten to. I can’t wait to see what’s under the pile of dirty shirts.
November 9th, 2009 at 8:59 pm
Nature hates us and is trying to kill us. This is why I don’t camp.
November 9th, 2009 at 9:04 pm
I still believe you’re obsessed with Higgs’ bosom.
November 9th, 2009 at 9:05 pm
Is that why my socks keep disappearing in the dryer?
November 9th, 2009 at 9:09 pm
The core of the superconducting solenoid magnet at the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland.
November 9th, 2009 at 9:10 pm
so what’s all this about France?
November 9th, 2009 at 9:17 pm
ok, I guess it’s easy to confuse them
So how come those people get to build some machine that can blow up the universe or something but when we want to build a few nuke plants or drop a couple H-bombs on people who really deserve it (plus lighten the load on global warming) everyone gets all pissed off….wtf is up with that?
November 9th, 2009 at 11:30 pm
Why leave something outside that is so damn fragile that a crust of bread can destroy it? My Dad used to fly off the handle if a screwdriver was left outside overnight.
Now I know why, of course. Baguette damage is a horrible thing to explain to the insurance guy.
November 9th, 2009 at 11:43 pm
You know, I think I’ve got a Higgs boson in my closet, or maybe my junk drawer. . . could they use that?
November 10th, 2009 at 12:34 am
They should have built the collider someplace with softer baked goods,
like near a Wonder Bread bakery.
November 10th, 2009 at 7:28 am
African Swallow or European Swallow?
November 10th, 2009 at 9:19 am
Well, leave it to the French to come up with a word that’s actually gayer than “Twitter”…baguette.