Archive for December, 2009

The Jihadi 6 Pack

Wednesday, December 30, 2009 7:25 pm

Cross-posted at America is an Obamanation!

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Obama Blames “Right Wing Extremists” for Failed Terror Attack

Wednesday, December 30, 2009 2:56 pm

KAILUA, HAWAII (AP) – Taking a break from his Hawaiian vacation, President Obama addressed the issue of the failed airliner bombing attempt over Detroit by saying that “right wing extremists” were to blame.

Obama vows to protect ‘freedom of ignition’ for Muslims

“As Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano pointed out,” said Obama, “the system works. As President, I’ve done everything in my power to support and encourage ‘man-caused disaster’ attacks on American soil – from not using the ‘T’ word, to treating alleged violent attacks by people of certain religions as criminal nuisances. Judging by the Christmas incident in Detroit, I’d give the system a good, solid B+.”

“Unfortunately,” continued the President, “a right-wing extremist interfered with Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab’s freedom to exercise his religion, and prevented him from fully expressing his opinion about America’s recent vicious attacks on the peaceful land of Yemen. Let me be clear – this sort of repression of universal rights will not be tolerated by this administration. We won’t put up with it from Fox News, and we sure as hell won’t put up with it from some stinking Dutchman. Rest assured that Jasper Schuringa will be held securely in the Guantanamo Bay detention facility pending an appearance before a full military tribunal.”

Under new directives ordered by the Obama administration in the wake of the tragically failed attack, passengers on US domestic and international flights will be prohibited from having pillows, blankets, or “any other material or device” which might be used to put out a fire and interfere with an “enthusiastic expression of political opinion or zealous religious activity”.

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Moonbat of the Decade

Wednesday, December 30, 2009 2:03 pm

Ready or not, tomorrow night marks the end of not just the year, but the decade. Yes the old whatchamacallits (the oughts? the zeros? the o’s? the nils? the nothings?) will end and the tens will arrive, but before that happens, lots of people will create useless lists of things both good and bad from the past decade.

“But what about me?” You might ask, “I want to help make a useless list, too!”

Well, here’s your chance to vote for your choice for Moonbat of the Decade in several categories, so why not contribute your own voice to someone else’s “decade” list and feel a little better about yourself:

1) Celebrities

2) Blogging

3) Organizations

4) MSM (News)

5) Politicians (American)

6) Politicians (International)

And last but not least, to cleanse the palate:

7) Anti-Moonbat of the Decade

Remember, vote early and vote often… just like a good little Democrat would! (And death is no excuse not to vote!)

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Just a Coincidence

Wednesday, December 30, 2009 7:00 am

Bookmarked this story a while back:

“A remote-controlled dinosaur robot worth about Ā£60,000 has been stolen from Australia’s “Walking with Dinosaurs” show in Guadalajara, event organisers said”

And now Frank’s “on vacation”.

My guess is that Janet Napolitano hired him to make a system that ACTUALLY works.

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lolbama! Part 30

Tuesday, December 29, 2009 8:27 pm

This week, That One. Next week, terrorists. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ‘em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.



[reference link]


From Basil of IMAO & Basil’s Blog:

[bragging rights if you don't need to click this reference link]

From Robert:


My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From DamnCat:

From Darrel of Pi Are Squared:

From Dukeboy01:

From JavaJoe:

From Jeff:

From Paul:

From Rev. Right of America is an Obamanation!:

From SAJ:

From Stodda43 of Frisk a Liberal:


This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:

PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolbama! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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2009 Year End Blow Out — All Links Must Go!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009 7:09 pm

Okay, boys and girls, time for another tasty McNugget of goodness from the worldwide web.

JibJab has done it again with a hysterical look back at the year that just was. Enjoy!

Try JibJab SendablesĀ® eCards today!

(Direct Link)

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It’s A Wonderful Link!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009 3:30 pm

Frank (all praise be upon him) has asked me to post here again temporarily while he stumbles about in his typical post-Christmas drunken stupor, pummeling hippies and monkeys with the brand new set of Elin Nordegren* golf clubs he received from Santa.

Since I haven’t had time to prepare any original material yet, I figured I’d do the typical lazy blogger bit and just post some links to worthwhile stuff from elsewhere on the web to hold your interest so you don’t get depressed by the lack of posts here of late, give up on the site and stop reading IMAO, choosing, instead, to start spending your time doing more constructive things, thus costing Frank valuable zombies from his Internet Army and causing him to suffer a major setback in his plans for world domination.

First up, if you haven’t seen it yet, go read Iowahawk’s new take on a cherished Christmas classic, It’s A Wonderful Bill

Here’s a taste to whet your appetite, my little ginger snaps:

Scene 15: A bridge outside Bedford Falls. George, breathless, peers dead-eyed into the icy river 100 feet below.

GEORGE BAILEY
I… I wish I was never elected!

George swings his leg over the side of the bridge, but he is tackled by a kindly old stranger

CLARENCE
Phew, that was a close one, George. I thought for sure you were a goner!

GEORGE BAILEY
Who… who are you? How did you know my name?

CLARENCE
Well that’s a mighty interesting question, Senator Bailey. I guess you could say… well, let’s say I’m sort of your protector. Clarence is the name. Clarence Odbody.

GEORGE BAILEY
You mean some kind of guardian angel? From heaven?

CLARENCE
Yessir, straight from lobbyist row on K Street. But I’m not an official angel as yet. Before I can earn my wings I have to stop you from this fool idea of yours. Honestly, George — political suicide? It’s just plain sinful.

GEORGE BAILEY
Did you see that crowd? Have you seen my approval ratings? This town would have been better off if I had never been elected.

CLARENCE
Stop saying such a thing! Do you really feel that way George?

GEORGE BAILEY
I, I, I, I… yeah! Well, see, yeah! See.

CLARENCE
Alright George, I’ll grant you your wish. But you may not like what you see.

Go and read the rest, you’ll thank me later.

More links to come. And, if you’re really, really good, maybe I’ll whip up something original while I’m here, too!

Merry (belated) Christmas, you wonderful old building-and-loans and Happy New Year to you all… in jail! Go on home, they’re waiting for you!

[*Edited 12/29/09 11:15pm cst to correct an error. Thank you, BadgerHawk!]

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New Airline Restrictions

Sunday, December 27, 2009 5:24 pm

Another day, another terrorist, another airplane.

Also, another passenger having to do all the work of subduing this turd. You’d think by now that every airline flight would include at least one non-Muslim ex-Special Forces guy with a loaded Glock and a bellyful of unresolved anger management issues.

In response to this latest attack, the airlines have vowed to keep America safer by… randomly inconveniencing passengers:

Passengers on a flight from New York to Tampa Saturday morning were also told they must remain in their seats and couldn’t have items in their laps, including laptops and pillows.

[...]

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano said [...] the measures “are designed to be unpredictable, so passengers should not expect to see the same thing everywhere.”

Um… ok… the guy’s got explosives in his underwear, so they take away… pillows… and laptops.

Now passengers can’t nap and they can’t play Solitaire. People are going to start blowing up planes out of sheer boredom.

But if the goal is irritated passengers, I might as well offer some helpful suggestions:


“I specifically asked for the vegetarian meal!”

* In-flight movie: An Inconvenient Truth. Added bonus – the audio track has a half-second lag

* Stewardesses who speak only Lithuanian.

* Have the Captain actually turn off the NO SMOKING sign, but if someone tries to light up, announce that it’s Opposite Day.

* Hire undercover midgets to scream, cry, and kick the back of people’s seats.

* Smallpox infected blankets

* Overhead Thunderdome compartments – “Two bags enter, one bag leaves”.

* Airsickness bags not changed unless full

* Hitting stewardess call button triggers playing of “Poker Face“. Endless loop. No “off” option.

* People not paying attention during the safety lecture will be beaten with the demo seatbelt.

* Safety lecture now includes directions for putting out flaming Muslim underpants.


Any other theories on what changes the airlines will make?

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My Christmas Present for You

Friday, December 25, 2009 11:18 am

It’s a special Christmas column at Pajamas Media: “Have a Merry Government-Regulated Christmas”.

Enjoy and be merry!

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Merry Christmas!

Thursday, December 24, 2009 9:33 am

I’m kinda on Christmas vacation now. I’ll be back… eventually. Anyway, I’ll still have some Pajamas Media columns going up (maybe a special one for tomorrow), so keep checking back.

Have an honorable Christmas!

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This Is Why We Should Never Sign Treaties

Wednesday, December 23, 2009 5:50 pm

Did you know we signed this thing called the Outer Space Treaty? Here’s what Wikipedia says about a part of it:

The Outer Space Treaty represents the basic legal framework of international space law. Among its principles, it bars States Parties to the Treaty from placing nuclear weapons or any other weapons of mass destruction in orbit of Earth, installing them on the Moon or any other celestial body, or to otherwise station them in outer space. It exclusively limits the use of the Moon and other celestial bodies to peaceful purposes and expressly prohibits their use for testing weapons of any kind, conducting military maneuvers, or establishing military bases, installations, and fortifications (Art.IV). However, the Treaty does not prohibit the placement of conventional weapons in orbit.

Basically, this has been ratified by everyone except a few countries whose space programs consist of a fifty dollar telescope.

So no nuclear weapons on the moon. We can use conventional weapons, which I guess means we can hit the moon with a sword. Not very impressive.

Here’s the thing, though: What if we need to declare war on the moon? The treaties wants us to use the moon for peaceful purposes, but that seems to assume the moon is peaceful. I argue it is not and must be dealt with.

We’re going to have to break this treaty. The only way you can legally break a treaty is to challenge all the countries who signed it to a contest of strength and beat them. The traditional contest is log throwing. We need to practice.

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Light Bulb Change

Wednesday, December 23, 2009 1:03 pm

Q. How many Al Gores does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. He’ll warn others of the impending doom if the light bulb isn’t change, but he won’t lift a finger himself.

* * * *

MAN: If that light bulb goes out, it will get dark in here.

AL GORE: If you don’t change that light bulb, the arctic will explode and the moon will eat us.

MAN: I’m not sure that’s right.

AL GORE: The Science! is settled!

MAN: Are you a scientist?

AL GORE: In an alternate universe I’m a scientist.

MAN: I’m not sure that’s right.

AL GORE: Your children will all die if you don’t change this light bulb.

MAN: I’m not even sure it’s about to go out.

AL GORE: When will you be sure? When the light bulb prompts trees to come alive and build nuclear weapons?

MAN: If it’s such a concern to you, why don’t just change the light bulb.

AL GORE: Now you’re just distracting from the issue! We don’t have time to argue about this! You need to change the light bulb now! If you delay any further, the earth will flip upside down making Australia king of the world!

MAN: I’m not sure that’s right.

AL GORE: You’re a denier! You’re a crazy person! I’m going to bite you in the eye!

MAN: You don’t seem well.

AL GORE: This is what capitalism leads to! Light bulbs in threat of going out everywhere! We need more government controls to force people like you to change light bulbs!

MAN: If you try and force me to do anything, I will punch you in the nads.

AL GORE: You hate Science!

MAN: I’m not sure what the ranting and ravings of guy who majored in government and had a C average has to do with science.

AL GORE: I’m very smart!

MAN: I’m not sure that’s right.

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Reverse Psychology

Wednesday, December 23, 2009 11:01 am

Have the Republicans tried reverse psychology to get more supporters for freedom. They could be like, “Democrats are right, freedom is too scary and too much for the American people. We need to face reality and get rid of these freedoms.”

And everyone will be like, “Uh-uh! I can handle freedom.”

And the Republicans will be like, “Nah. We don’t want to burden you with that. Let’s just do what the Democrats say.”

And everyone will be like, “No! Never do what Democrats say! Push them down wells!”

Just a strategy to think about come 2010. If that election year isn’t a slaughter of monumental proportions, then I’m labeling the Republicans a failure.

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Links of the Day

Wednesday, December 23, 2009 10:00 am

From Rev. Right of America is an Obamanation!:

The Gore Effect – illustrated

AND

The First Nobel – The Ultimate Progressive Winter Solstice Celebration Album

OR

Just go there to enjoy his Christmas banner. Very festive.

In case you don’t recognize the guys to the right of the Grinch Obama, here’s the relevant clip from “The Year Without a Santa Claus“.


[YouTube direct link]

And if you’re wondering… no, there’s no way to get that song out of your head.

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Random Thoughts

Wednesday, December 23, 2009 9:21 am

So far, no one has payed me to blog, but I have gotten some lucrative offers not to blog.

I’m tripping billies with my cool shoeshine.

If we find aliens and they ask what we call our moon, they’re going to think we’re morons. Shouldn’t we have named it by now? No one has a child and just calls him “the child” throughout his lifetime. How did that happen to the moon?

And what if the alien has his own name for his star? I’m too used to calling it “GJ 3021″ to switch now.

I like a bacon cheeseburger because it’s nice to know at least two separate animals died to satisfy my hunger.

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lolterizt! Part 97

Tuesday, December 22, 2009 11:12 pm

This week terrorists, next week That One. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ‘em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.



[reference link]


[reference link]


[reference link]


[reference link]


From Basil of IMAO and Basil’s Blog:

[reference link]


My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From me (Harvey):

From macmanus:

From Elwin:

Also from Elwin:

From RightHooks of Right Hooks:

From BillyD:

[reference link]


This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:


PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Snapped Shot for handy links to ripe-for-captioning photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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The New Compassionate Conservatism

Tuesday, December 22, 2009 4:32 pm

As conservatives plan a comeback, we need to be careful not to be wield too harsh a conservatism so as to scare off moderates. That’s why we need compassionate conservatism. Here’s the tenets of that as I understand them:

TENETS OF COMPASSIONATE CONSERVATISM

* When someone is starving on the street, we don’t point and laugh.

* When we shove hippies into crates and ship them to Antarctica, we put in air holes.

* We kill our enemies (relatively) quickly.

* When we drown orphans’ puppies, we don’t do it in front of them.

* We only punch an individual hippie in the face once per half-hour.

* We send illegal immigrants back to their home countries instead of into the sea.

* We believe terrorists should only be tortured in dire circumstances such as a ticking time bomb scenario or extreme boredom.

* After we get an unconditional surrender from a country, we stop bombing them.

I know some of these will be hard to follow, but it will make you feel like a nice person.

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Announcement of Colony on Mars

Tuesday, December 22, 2009 3:01 pm

I am starting a new colony on Mars. It will be called Libertytown City. Not everyone will be invited. It will have liberty, respect for individual rights, and lots of red rocks. Maybe you’re saying to yourself, “But I don’t like liberty and red rocks.” Then this colony is not for you. You probably won’t be invited anyway.

PEOPLE WHO AREN’T INVITED TO MY COLONY ON MARS
* People who are whiny.
* People who are sissies.
* Sparkly vampires.
* People who find freedom scary.

Only good, freedom-loving people are invited to my colony on Mars. When the colony is first founded, we will have an ice cream social to get to know everyone. Then we must get to work. We’re going to make dinosaurs with rocket launchers on them to protect us. We will declare war on the moon. And we will be free, as no liberals will be allowed on Mars. They can maybe go on Phobos or Deimos — I really don’t care — but Mars will remain liberal-free. It’s the only way to protect liberty because as soon as liberals get scared they attack and bite liberty. We don’t put up with that crap on Mars.

So anyway, I’m just announcing my colony on Mars that not everyone will be invited to. I don’t know what day it’s happening, but while you wait you can sing a song like “There Are No Cats in America” from An American Tale except change it so it’s about how there are no liberals on Mars (I couldn’t get the meter working myself).

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Jim Treacher Is Moving On Up

Tuesday, December 22, 2009 11:05 am

Jim Treacher as been hired by Tucker Carlson to blog for his new site The Daily Caller. This means Treacher is moving to DC and will be blogging under his actual name which is something other than Treacher (it’s in his post; you’ll be amazed!).

We here at IMAO wish Treacher well. If you don’t wish Treacher well, then you are not here at IMAO.

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Random Thoughts

Tuesday, December 22, 2009 9:05 am

I’m tired of peanut brittle. I want a more structurally sound peanut treat.

People don’t want freedom. People want a physical, god-like entity that can guarantee their every need.

Any victories for freedom today? No? Maybe tomorrow.

I think we give Senators and Representatives too many freedoms and need to start taking them away.

Gay marriage advocates always use the inevitable argument; shouldn’t the NRA use that on the last 10 states without right to carry?

The more I think about, the more I see the wisdom in the quote from Dumbledore’s mother’s tombstone.

The universe is so big it seems small, if that makes any sense (it doesn’t).

I tried baiting Rand Paul followers, but the results were pretty disappointing. Good news for Rand Paul.

How many smart choices gain the great excitement of stupid people?

Idea: Before a vote, Senators must pass a quiz demonstrating knowledge of what’s actually in the bill.

In the future, I’m going to stop giving out ideas for free. They will be $20 each.

I think I’m omniscient… or at least I can’t think of anything I don’t know.

I mean I’m sure I’m omniscient. That would suck to know everything except whether or not you’re omniscient.

Finally watching Anchorman. Hard to imagine it had a script.

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