KAILUA, HAWAII (AP) – Taking a break from his Hawaiian vacation, President Obama addressed the issue of the failed airliner bombing attempt over Detroit by saying that “right wing extremists” were to blame.
“As Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano pointed out,” said Obama, “the system works. As President, I’ve done everything in my power to support and encourage ‘man-caused disaster’ attacks on American soil – from not using the ‘T’ word, to treating alleged violent attacks by people of certain religions as criminal nuisances. Judging by the Christmas incident in Detroit, I’d give the system a good, solid B+.”
“Unfortunately,” continued the President, “a right-wing extremist interfered with Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab’s freedom to exercise his religion, and prevented him from fully expressing his opinion about America’s recent vicious attacks on the peaceful land of Yemen. Let me be clear – this sort of repression of universal rights will not be tolerated by this administration. We won’t put up with it from Fox News, and we sure as hell won’t put up with it from some stinking Dutchman. Rest assured that Jasper Schuringa will be held securely in the Guantanamo Bay detention facility pending an appearance before a full military tribunal.”
Under new directives ordered by the Obama administration in the wake of the tragically failed attack, passengers on US domestic and international flights will be prohibited from having pillows, blankets, or “any other material or device” which might be used to put out a fire and interfere with an “enthusiastic expression of political opinion or zealous religious activity”.