The New Compassionate Conservatism
As conservatives plan a comeback, we need to be careful not to be wield too harsh a conservatism so as to scare off moderates. That’s why we need compassionate conservatism. Here’s the tenets of that as I understand them:
TENETS OF COMPASSIONATE CONSERVATISM
* When someone is starving on the street, we don’t point and laugh.
* When we shove hippies into crates and ship them to Antarctica, we put in air holes.
* We kill our enemies (relatively) quickly.
* When we drown orphans’ puppies, we don’t do it in front of them.
* We only punch an individual hippie in the face once per half-hour.
* We send illegal immigrants back to their home countries instead of into the sea.
* We believe terrorists should only be tortured in dire circumstances such as a ticking time bomb scenario or extreme boredom.
* After we get an unconditional surrender from a country, we stop bombing them.
I know some of these will be hard to follow, but it will make you feel like a nice person.
(30 votes, average: 4.93 out of 5)
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December 22nd, 2009 at 4:38 pm
When they give up, we have to stop immediately? We don’t get a free bombing weekend or anything? Happy Hour?
That’s just no fun.
December 22nd, 2009 at 4:48 pm
Does this affect your previous stated commandment about, “upon being attacked we reserve the right to attack that country plus one other of our choosing”? I inquire as a result of purported reports Iceland looking at me funny.
December 22nd, 2009 at 5:16 pm
WHAT!!! Compromise on the things that make us better than liberals. How bout we hit them squishy moderats with a stick till they either man up and support us 100%, or they admit thery’re a wussy liberal wannabe.
December 22nd, 2009 at 5:22 pm
Screw “compassionate” how about PASSIONATE CONSERVATISM!
December 22nd, 2009 at 5:53 pm
“Hell, I’ll kill a man in a fair fight… or if I think he’s gonna start a fair fight, or if he bothers me, or if there’s a woman, or if I’m gettin’ paid – mostly only when I’m gettin’ paid…”
THAT’S an acceptable definition of “compassionate conservatism” in my book.
December 22nd, 2009 at 6:01 pm
with all these TENETS OF COMPASSIONATE CONSERVATISM you might as well tell me I can’t kick a man when he’s down and that I got to fight fair.
December 22nd, 2009 at 6:31 pm
For every terrorist we kill, we send their family a free Bible.
Wednesdays could be “punch a hippy not quite as hard” day.
December 22nd, 2009 at 8:33 pm
Firing squads aren’t as prolonged as other methods.
December 22nd, 2009 at 8:34 pm
You say “unconditional surrender” like there’s any other kind.
December 22nd, 2009 at 8:37 pm
*When elected to Congress, the NEW Compassionate Conservative:
does not vote to steal your money via taxation,
lets Corporate Entities that are ‘too big to fail’ ‘die with dignity’,
December 22nd, 2009 at 8:43 pm
When Liberals are about to die, the NEW Compassionate Conservative reads them their ‘Last Rights’ : ”You have the right to die, and I’m not about to stop you.”
December 22nd, 2009 at 10:04 pm
I don’t know, how about we come up with some real life answers to real life problems. I am against the health care bill, but I still want to know how we’re going to fix a system that is so broken we can’t even begin to postulate any fixes.
Health care is too expensive, there are too many people not getting the care they need, abortion for convenience is NOT a health care issue. The aged and young are NOT expendable. No one day stay in the hospital for an accident should cost 12,000 dollars (including 400 dollars for medication-which could have been brought from home, but that isn’t allowed and 600 for a 1/2 hour stroll down the hall with a physical therapist.
These are just the tip of the iceberg. I don’t know what the answers are but “allowing the market to set the price” hasn’t worked very well in the past. That however, is why we pay these cretins in the government the big bucks….to come up with solutions or at least suggestions we ALL can live with. They need to get with the program or get outta town.
December 22nd, 2009 at 11:05 pm
Couldn’t figure out how to email Frank J. so here’s a link worth checking out:
http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/haroldestes.asp
December 22nd, 2009 at 11:15 pm
We dont want to scare moderates ?
thats way to compassionate for me. a 12vdc 80 amp battery and cables applied to selected areas of
anatomy is a good way to jump start a “moderates” thinking
December 23rd, 2009 at 1:28 am
#13 – TGregg,
Awesome letter!
Thanks for sharing!
To Mr. Harold Estes: Sa-Lute!
December 23rd, 2009 at 2:27 am
#13-TGregg
now that is a letter to warm the cockles of a deck apes heart. CBM E.U. McIntyre,whereever you are,
“To Shipmates…”
December 23rd, 2009 at 6:39 am
To heck with compassionate conservatism. A compassionate conservative who relents from their platform will eventually turn into a liberal.
December 23rd, 2009 at 8:04 am
A Real Compassionate Conservative warns a Mo’Town Brutha’ when a Polar Bear is about to rain down on his Light Blue Cadillac
December 23rd, 2009 at 9:00 am
I’m ok with the other ones, but I don’t think I can support this position.
December 23rd, 2009 at 5:50 pm
Naw, cuz “compassionate conservatism” worked SO well for GWB. /sarc
Howzabout “common sense conservatism”?