The State of the Union address is tonight, and President Obama has a bit of a problem since the state of our union isn’t exactly… well… good. What exactly is Obama supposed to say? “It sucks, and a lot of it is because I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.” Plus, Obama is on prime time TV talking like all the time, so what could he possibly have left to say?
Still, I like being helpful, so here’s what I think Obama should say:
“Hey, America, what’s up? So, what do you all think the state of the union is? I think it’s awesome, except for one thing: It’s full of whiners.
“I think things are doing pretty well here. Ever look at like poor countries in Africa? We’re doing like way better than any of them — light years better. Or look at Haiti; doing way better than Haiti. Pretty nice here, actually; we got like food and TV and stuff. Still, everyone is complaining and like, ‘I don’t have enough money, and I’m unemployed! Waaah!’ I have a clear message for you: Shut up. No one cares. Raise your hand if you’re dead. No hands? See, could be a lot worse.
“Still, everyone is all yelling at me and like, ‘You’re a socialist! You’re recklessly spending all our money!’ Hey, do I go to your job and criticize you? I don’t even know what you; I don’t even care really. A lot of you don’t even have jobs to criticize, so shut up.
“And then there are those who think I’m a failure because a guy almost exploded his underwear. What was I supposed to do there? I ain’t checking everybody’s underwear; I ain’t some perv. You be a perv and do it.
“So, I think I’m doing pretty well — a B+ job — and you all are just a bunch of stupid whiners. Well, I don’t bow to you — I bow to foreign monarchs, but not you — so shut up. I hate you all.”