Baptists and the Haitian orphans

Ten Baptists from Idaho are being held in Haiti after attempting to leave the earthquake-devastated country with 33 Haitian orphans.

This is shocking. Who knew there were Baptists in Idaho? And not just Baptists, but Southern Baptists. Have these people never seen a map? Idaho isn’t southern anything. Except maybe southern Canada.

But there is a secondary aspect to this story: Baptists are being accused of child-smuggling.

Unless you’re a Baptist, this might come as a shock. But it’s not a shock to me. You see, I’m a Baptist. And not just a Baptist, I’m a Southern Baptist. So, you can depend on my telling you the truth about this issue.

Baptists are known for many things, mostly for what they don’t do:

  • Baptists don’t drink.
  • Baptists don’t dance.
  • Baptists don’t have fun.

At least, that’s the impression most people have about Baptists.

The other thing that people know about Baptists is that we’ve had three Baptist presidents: Harry Truman, Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton.

Most people don’t remember Harry Truman, but neither Carter nor Clinton could be used for recruiting purposes.

But, Baptists are huge proponents of fund-raising.

Baptists are always raising money for some building project. Whether it’s adding a new fellowship hall, renovating the sanctuary, or building a new church far away from all the undesirables that live the next street over from the current building, hardly a week goes by that a Baptist church isn’t having some fund-raising event.

Southern Baptists have three big fund-raisers during the year: The Lottie Moon Christmas Offering (for International Missions), the Annie Armstrong Easter Offering (for North American Missions), and the Black Orphan Auction (for funding Right-Wing Extremist Missions).

As a Baptist, I’m asking you to support the missionaries from Idaho who are simply trying to good work. If not God’s work, at least, Rush Limbaugh’s.

Idaho has an extreme shortage of Black orphans. Have you ever seen a Black person in Idaho? No Black person would willingly go to Idaho. You can hardly convince a White person to go there. Well, if the choices were Idaho or Montana, then Idaho might be the choice, but otherwise, you won’t find a single person of color. It’s the Whitest state west of Delaware.

That’s why the Baptist churches in Idaho need these Haitian orphans. Without the Black Orphan Auction, they won’t be able to fund Right-Wing Extremist Missions. And if that happens, Air American will return to the airwaves.

You have been warned.

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  1. Hilarious post, Basil. Since I’ve been attending a Baptist church for the past year or so, I find it especially funny.
    Reminds me of a joke I heard the other day:

    Why don’t Baptists have sex standing up?
    They’re afraid it might lead to dancing.


  2. As a fellow Southern Baptist (raised as, anyway) I’d like to address some of these myths
    1) Baptists don’t drink.
    Not true – it just seems that way because they only drink when no one is looking.
    2) Baptists don’t dance.
    True – try as they may, Baptists are entirely incapable of anything anyone would reasonably call “dancing”.
    3) Baptists don’t have fun.
    Not true – Baptists do have fun. It is the people they are with who don’t have fun.

    Seriously though – Southern Baptists get smeared viciously by a press corps who loves to think of themselves as intellectually superior to those who actually believe in God. The press also believes that recipients of charity should be compelled to live by bread alone.


  3. I’m astounded by these news stories about Americans trying to “steal” children from Haiti, as if here in America we don’t have plenty of unwanted children languishing in social services in every state of the union, all 57 of them. They go along with the “America is not doing enough” chorus from Europe and Africa.

    I think perhaps we should get all American aid workers, civilians, and military members and more importantly supplies and monies out of Haiti and let the Italians spearhead the new effort. Should be entertaining, except people will continue to die only at a more advanced rate. But hey the “the great Satan” will be out of the picture so thing should just move swimmingly along. After all the Italians are so used to dealing with disasters, have such a large and competent Navy and have organizations prepared for and experienced in disaster relief that they can simply, hit the ground running, as it were.

    Good luck with that, let us know how that works out for ya’ k?


  4. So, really three important lessons can be learned from this:

    1) Baptists should certainly never be elected president of the United States.

    2) If you’re ever hit by an earthquake, don’t let baptists babysit your children.

    3) Basil is really Frank.


  5. Basil! Long time no talk.
    I went to a meeting at a Baptist church in Mississippi, and being a Catholic Texan, I was expecting people to be dancing around with snakes screaming about fire and brimstone.

    Couldn’t have met a nicer bunch of people. I’m sure the missionaries were doing what they thought was best for the children…or feeding them to snakes, I’m not sure which.


  6. That church is a mile and a half from my house. And Basil is correct. There is nothing on either side of the church, except a middle class neighborhood behind it. How do you guys think Boise State gets such a great football team with such a small budget. We kidnap them when they’re young and have them train in our football mines under our potato farms.

    Exit Question: Has any one in the media floated the idea that these Babtist are getting shaken down by the local police. It happens in third world countries, but I can’t say that’s the case in this instance.

    (Basil: Best post since you made up that fake story about your house getting damaged 2 years ago).


  7. Having lived in southern Idaho for one long month, I can tell you that Baptists of any variety are a small minority. Everything south of Lewiston is almost entirely LDS. The percentage of Mormons in southern Idaho is higher than in most of Utah, and they tend to be hard core, making the Mormons of Salt Lake look like liberals. Since Mormons reject abortion and contraception, they tend to have large families. My guess is that the Baptists were simply trying to blend in with their Mormon neighbors. However, the next time they try to adopt foreign children to camoflage themselves in southern Idaho, rather than going to Port-au-Prince, I suggest that they visit Reykjavik, Helsinki, or Murmansk.



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