While I disagree with the president, I am still an American. And I have a duty to my country to help in any way I can.
One of the president’s biggest problems — as Obama sees it — is the prison at Guantanamo Bay (GTMO). And he is right about this: GTMO is a public relations issue for the U.S. Of course, he is one of the ones that made it a PR issue. But, the fact remains, it is an issue.
He wants to close GTMO, but he has no clue on what to do about the detainees there.
The president needs help.
And I’m here to help.
Putting our differences aside, I have the solution to the GTMO “problem.”
Let’s simply announce we’ve released everybody from GTMO — released them back in the countries where we found them. We don’t actually release anyone; just say we did.
It’s not like Obama is above telling a little White Lie. Or, in his case, a Half-White Lie. Since he’ll lie to the American people, he should have no problem lying to non-Americans, like the French, the Iranians, the Iraqi, the Canadians, the Germans, the MSNBC news anchors… We just tell them all that we have released the detainees, and we don’t know, or care, what happened to them after that.
The next thing to do is wait a week while they go all ga-ga over the “release” — then we announce that we’ve expanded the Air Force Flight Test Center (Detachment 3) research facility at Groom Lake (you might know it as “Groom Lake” or “Area 51”) and have converted the facility at GTMO to military research.
Again, that would be only a Half-White Lie, since we would be researching. Only we’d be researching terrorists. With water.
Groom Lake is very secure because of the nature of the testing that occurs there. You can’t just go there. Reporters can’t just go there. Don’t believe me? Try it.
And here’s the best part: tell Joe Biden that the research being done there is related to the aliens that crashed at Roswell. He can’t keep his mouth shut, so he’ll start that rumor. And the people that support Obama are the same kind of people that believe aliens crashed at Roswell, so it would fit their preconceived notions. Everything will take care of itself.
There you are, Mr. President. You have your solution to your GTMO “problem.”
- The facility continues functioning as-is
- The research and alien cover story explains why no one can go there to verify anything
Oh, and Mr. President? You’re welcome.
I like the first part of your idea, that
weObama announces that all those terrorists have been released back to their home countries. Everyone will cheer and feel good about Americaagainfor the first time since WWII.No one will care what actually happens to them.
30 years from now some
journalisthippie college professor will wonder what became of them, but since there will be no record whatsoever, he will be forced to write some speculative fictional treatise about how wonderfully their lives might have or could have turned out.How about just releasing them-in a neutral place. I suggest the Ross Ice Shelf. It is a pristine, peaceful place. very quiet qbd has wonderful vistas.
I like this idea. I know a few folks who believe the ufo stories.
A good chance for a new Alien Autopsy Video, with Jonathan Frakes, co-starring Abdullah Mohammad Splodeyguy as the autopied alien.
I’m in favor of this plan as long as we include some catapult testing. Catapults are woefully under tested due to a lack of human test material.
How about we put Amy Bishop in GTMO. 5 hours oughtta do it.
Why not just cannonize them?
We have plenty of huge-bore, black powder cannons all over the place (Fort Ticonderoga in NY for instance).
Let just change the name of the base. Then we can honestly say that we’ve closed the “Guantanamo Bay Detention Facility”.
In its place we’ll opened the “Happy Jihadi Fun Camp!” Same cells (now “cabins”), same military personnel (now “councilors”), same detainees (now “campers”) – just change the signs and the letterhead.
Problem solved – minimum expense.
[Sounds good, but let me give you a real-life example where it didn’t exactly work as described. Don’t worry, there is a happy ending.
At Ft. Benning (which is at Columbus), they had the School of the Americas (SOA). Protests every year. They gave in and “closed” the School o the Americas. Actually, they renamed it the Western Hemisphere Institute for Security Cooperation (WHISC). The libs didn’t buy it. They still show up and protest. The good news is, they ain’t all hippies, so some Columbus restaurants get a bump in sales. Plus, since FBGA borders south Columbus, the criminal element there (south Columbus is a high crime area) can rip a few of those out-of-towners off. Finally, the judges around here are fed up with seeing the same faces charged with trespassing when they enevitably venture on post. You should see the look on their faces when the judges started handing out 6-month sentences instead of “time served.” Priceless!
So, we tried it with SOA. Didn’t work. But it didn’t turn out all bad. – B]
I agree with the President that Gitmo should be dismantled. Where we disagree is that I think it should be destroyed while the jihadi vermin are still inside.
This is a wonderful idea. But why stop at researching terrorists….er I mean outerspace aliens with water. I can think of a whole range of research that can be done. Like rocket sled test, flamethrower test, the hammer test, the power drill test, and many more. And then when the research is done maybe build a terrorist….er I mean space alien collider and see if they can find that pesky Bison particle.
Basil – if anyone protests the Happy Jihadi Fun Camp! the MSM will just say that they are only complaining because Obama is black and they are a bunch of racists. Oh, and the protesters hate all Muslims too because they are opposed to them having any fun.
I think there’s a flaw in your plan. What are we going to do with all the alien body parts and crashed UFOs if we move the jihadis into Area 51? Can you imagine the catastrophe that would ensue if a jihadi snuck out of his cage, deduced the secrets of harnessing antimatter, and was subsequently released to Yemen by a future Democrat administration?
Before we do your plan, Basil, we need to ship the Congress there.
To kick off the PR campaign, Obama should begin announcing to the world that his policies have already not killed or incarcerated over 2 million jihadists.
I do like the idea of a Large Jihadi Super Collider. Maybe it could be one of the rides at Happy Jihadi Fun Camp.
Also Dick Cheney can be in charge of the water rides.
I hope Dick Cheney sticks around.