Results of New In-Depth Study Revealed: Bush May Actually Be Hitler!

In recognition of the 65th Anniversary of Hitler’s “supposed” death…

After careful research into the claims of many leftists that President George W. Bush is, in fact, a carbon copy of infamous German dictator Adolf Hitler, we here at IMAO were more than a bit disturbed by the many eerie similarities we were able to uncover between the two world leaders.

Seeing as how George W. Bush was born into the world on July 6, 1946, a little over a year after the death of Adolf Hitler on April 30, 1945, we must agree it is quite possible that he is, in fact, the very reincarnation of history’s greatest monster!

Consider the evidence:

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New Plan for Liberals

I have an idea to get liberals to find out what wrong with socialism!

There are two main principles to liberals: They like the government controlling everything, and they think anything conservative are for is racist and evil.

So here’s how we use that against them: Next time the liberals propose some new socialist solution, all conservatives should be like, “Yeah, that’s a good idea; let’s do that.”

That will freak them out!

If all conservatives are for it, then liberals will be sure something is wrong is evil about it. They’ll frantically try to research what’s wrong with socialism so they can once again yell at us for our evil beliefs. Of course, when they come at us with what’s wrong with socialism, we’ll be like, “Exactly!”

Then the liberals we’ll be stunned and not sure what to do. Then we punch them in their dumb monkey faces!

Eh, I guess this plan doesn’t really get us anywhere we couldn’t get to by just punching liberals in the face in the first place.

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Crist

So what’s up with Crist? Does he think the voters of Florida really want an establishment RINO candidate who went along with Obama’s stimulus and is orange? I just don’t think it’s his year.

Some people don’t take a hint. Usually it’s the left, who are like, “We need to be even more liberal this year if we want to win!” And then there’s Crist who think it’s the time for squish candidates who stand for nothing in particular.

All politicians are crazy. Normal people get regular jobs and don’t even think of running for office because they have too many actual things to do. Still, we do occasionally run into the exceptionally sociopathic candidates like John Edwards, and now here’s Crist running independent and pissing off his own party for no other discernible reason than he really just doesn’t want to get an actual job.

Again, this is all an argument for small government. Politics attracts weirdos like this, and this is why you want to limit the power of government as much as possible so there is only so much they can screw up. That should be government 101, but instead it’s a constant battle as the left apparently wants people like Crist who are out just for themselves making our health care decisions and more. We could all end up orange!

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What to Expect from Fred Thompson’s New Book

Things would have been different if we’d elected Fred Thompson president, but 2008 just wasn’t a year we wanted conservative leadership and instead just wanted someone who said “Hope and Change” a lot. I hope that works out for us. Still, Fred Thompson has a new book coming out called Teaching the Pig to Dance.

It’s a memoir of his childhood growing up in a small town in Tennessee. I got a preview copy, and I learned a lot of interesting things about young Fred Thompson.

FUN FACTS ABOUT YOUNG FRED THOMPSON

* Young Fred Thompson was always getting in trouble for sneaking up and tackling grizzly bears, and it got to the point that they could never maul anyone in peace.

* Young Fred Thompson’s elementary school science project nearly destroyed the sun.

* Young Fred Thompson’s first use of common sense politics was when he chased Democrats out of town with a shotgun.

* The first time Young Fred Thompson experienced taxes was when he was charged sales tax on a pack of gum, and he became so enraged that eventually the national guard had to be called in to stop him. The incident was what Rambo: First Blood was loosely based on.

* Young Fred Thompson was always pestering his cranky neighbor, Mr. Wilson, and eventually exposed him as a Communist and had him carted off.

* Before Fred Thompson punched hippies, Young Fred Thompson kicked beatniks.

* Once, with a single shot of his Red Ryder BB Gun, Young Fred Thompson shot out three people’s eyes.

* Young Fred Thompson made his own kite, which he used to fly in the park, the design of which was bought by McDonnell Douglas and eventually turned in the F-15.

* During a Boy Scout camping trip, instead of bringing a tent, Young Fred Thompson just cut down some trees and made his own lodgings. The result is still there as the city of Kingsport, Tennessee.

* Young Fred Thompson was always getting into trouble with his pranks as a child, such as when he broke into the state treasury and started mailing out “tax rebates.”

* Young Fred Thompson’s first childhood job: Commie-smasher.

* Young Fred Thompson had a beloved border collie growing up who would always warn his parents if he was in danger. Fred Thompson eventually got rid of the dog because he doesn’t like squealers.

* Young Fred Thompson first thought he might be destined for greatness when he had to fight off a cyborg sent from the future to kill him.

Also, as a bonus, the book contains a number of Fred Thompson’s childhood drawings of Muhammad.

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Random Thoughts

Has anyone considered that maybe the problem with political debate these days is we haven’t called each other Nazis quite enough?

Even though you can’t see God, you can be sure He’s there and He’s watching you. He’s like a ninja.

Puerto Rico can become a state if they want, but they’ll have to change their name to “East Dakota.”

The reasons dogs bite the hand that feeds them is because it smells like food.

Our political system is made to promote sociopaths, but we still get surprised when they’re so blatant.

It’s been 23 years since the game Contra came out and the U.S. military still hasn’t developed a reliable spread gun.

Maybe Crist will get the confused old people vote that Pat Buchanan tends to sweep.

I’m pretty good at being a crank, but if I worked harder at it I think I could be much more of a crank.

I declare NBC’s current Thursday night lineup to be the greatest two hours of comedy ever in existence.

Hawaii would love it if Puerto Rico became the 51st state so they could stop being the n00b.

51 stars on the flag would be a little weird. Let’s also add a 52nd star to commemorate the unknown state.

Children shouldn’t draw things; they’re not very good at it.

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IMAO Reader Theater: “Socialism Commercial”

Nephew Sam presents: “Socialism Commercial”

Some of you will note with great joy that this wasn’t made with Xtranormal and features an actual human voice. Apparently Nephew Sam possesses magical software obtained through arcane knowledge of the Dark Arts. Let us not anger him, lest he be tempted to use his powers for evil.


[YouTube direct link]

Take a hippie-punch at fame by creating your own IMAO-worthy video at Xtranormal (“If you can type, you can make movies“). Send a link to harvolson-at-gmail.com and I’ll give it a look. If it isn’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and it doesn’t suck too terribly bad, I’ll post it and let the readers throw roses and/or tomatoes at you.

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Daily Reminder to Buy New IMAO Shirt

So did you buy my new shirt yet?

If so, why don’t you share how transcendent the experience was. Some say buying my new shirt is just like riding a dinosaur with rocket launchers on it as you destroy a village full of hippies.

And just imagine what things will be like when you actually get the shirt!

You don’t want to miss out! Buy now!

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More Consequences of Arizona’s New Law

San Francisco has banned travel to Arizona. So if you want to do something that requires the help of a San Franciscan (and I really don’t want to hear what that is), don’t pass a law they find mean.

Also, illegal immigrants are vowing to leave Arizona over its new law. I guess an unintended consequence of the Arizona law is to make illegal immigrants feel unwelcome in the state. Sad.

With all this plus liberals vowing not to go to the state, could Arizona soon become a utopia? Perhaps. In five years, we’ll probably visit the state to find it full of shiny towers and flying cars like something right out of the Jetsons. So other states might want to consider this “enforce federal law” idea before Arizona hogs all the awesome for itself and eventually becomes a sovereign nation greater and more powerful than the U.S. due to its not having the ball and chain of liberals. And then we’ll have to be sure to be welcoming to our new Arizonian overlords.

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Points Obama May Have Crossed

Obama said, “I do think at a certain point you’ve earned enough money.” I know we’re all glad Obama is looking out for who is earning a lot of money in this economy, because that’s really what we’re all worried about. Similarly, we should keep a lookout for Obama.

POINTS OBAMA MAY HAVE CROSSED

* At a certain point, you’ve expanded government enough.

* At a certain point, you’ve ignored the concerns of the American people for your own pet projects enough.

* At a certain point, you’ve said, “The time for talk is over!” enough and should shut up.

* At a certain point, your ears are big enough.

* At a certain point, you’ve had enough time to eat your waffles.

* At a certain point, you’ve been on TV enough.

* At a certain point, your vice president has said thing dumb enough.

* At a certain point, you’ve relied on your teleprompter enough.

* At a certain point, you’re socialist enough.

* At a certain point, you’ve completely screwed things up long enough.

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Does Sneering Contempt for the Average Voter Hurt a Campaign?

Did you know Britain has elections? I thought they just had a king or something, but it looks like they have an election coming up soon. Now I don’t really know the different parties and how their positions vary on the chief British issues of crumpets and marmite, but it does seem the Labour [sic] Party is emulating the tactics of the left in this country. The other day, Ministerus Prime Gordon Brown talked all nice to an old lady and then, not knowing the microphone (called a “talkee cone” in Britain) was on, basically called her a stupid bigot as soon as he got in his horseless carriage.

People have not liked this.

Yes “sneering contempt for the average citizen” seems to be a campaign tactic falling out of favor both here and abroad. It wasn’t enough to sink Obama’s campaign when he talked about people clinging to guns and religion, but people do seem to be less tolerant of it now. I guess we just don’t really understand where the useless lawyers we elect to serve us get this feeling they’re better than everyone. I never told them they’re better than anyone; actually, I’m pretty sure I told them they’re stupid and a bunch of screw ups. Did you tell them they’re better than everyone? Well, whoever is giving them self-esteem, stop it right now.

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Random Thoughts

A way to see if waterboarding is effective is to mandate its use for all politicians to see if it can get them to tell the truth.

A refried bean swastika? I thought we defeated the Mexi-Nazis in WWIII: The Search for Spock!

“Epistemic closure”? Sounds like something a doctor would prescribe a funny-smelling cream for.

Democrats can question people’s patriotism without controversy because no one takes them seriously on that issue.

I have a horrible wife. She takes way too long to cook me homemade quesadillas for lunch.

Liberals are threatening to stay out of Arizona. If the bill also got hippies to threaten to bathe, if would be the greatest bill ever.

Why do they make maternity clothes but not paternity clothes? I plan to get fat too.

Talk about how green something is and you can make yourself feel good. Make something save money and you can help the environment. Personal benefit is always going to be a million times greater a motivator than some religious green experience.

Pollution is inefficiency, and the best system we have to fight inefficiency are free markets.

Too much arguing. We either need to start loving each other or get better at killing each other so as to make the point moot.

“Gentile” is Hebrew for “gringo”.

If I had to choose only ten sites on the internet and lose access to all others, tvtropes.org would be one of them.

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Getting a new bumper sticker

Last week, Frank J. asked for help regarding voting for his Congressman. And that gave me the courage to ask for help. So here goes: I need a new bumper sticker.

Okay, I don’t actually have a sticker on the bumper of my car. I have one on the window. And it really needs to come down.

Here’s my current sticker. It’s left over from the 2008 election.

Now, yes, I know, it’s pretty lame to keep a bumper (or window) sticker up after the election. And I’m lame for still having it up.

But, I want to let people know this: I did not vote for Barack Obama.

Leaving the McCain sticker on was a way of saying that. But, it’s still lame to have an election sticker after the election. Particularly 540 days after the election.

So, I need to change my bumper sticker. And I want something that, at a glance, can be seen to convey what I want to convey. Nothing wordy.

I thought about the Republican logo…

… but I’m not a Republican. I’m not a member of any political party. And I don’t want to get any more letters or email from Michael Steele.

I don’t think I want that.

So, I need some ideas.

I want to communicate the following ideas in as few words as possible:

  • No, I didn’t vote for Barack Obama
  • Yes, you’re an idiot if you did

Suggestions?

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New York Times Threatened Obama!

First Chris Matthews compared Obama to Teddy Roosevelt, now the New York Times is comparing Obama to William McKinley.

And we all know the horrible fate that befell McKinley, right?:

The William McKinley assassination occurred on September 6, 1901, at the Temple of Music in Buffalo, New York. United States President William McKinley, attending the Pan-American Exposition, was shot twice by Leon Czolgosz, an anarchist.

And keep in mind that this isn’t some sort of casual, off-hand comparison. The point of the Times article is that Obama IS A WORSE PERSON THAN MCKINLEY because Obama didn’t invite the press into the Builtmore Estate.

But evidently the manse once owned by George W. Vanderbilt had no room for the reporters and photographers who follow the president everywhere he goes. They were left to stand outside in the rain, seeking shelter under the overhang of a guest cottage.

By contrast, an article in The New York Times from 1897 circulating among reporters on Air Force One on Sunday afternoon had this headline: “McKinley Visits Biltmore — Refuses to Enter George Vanderbilt’s House Unless His Newspaper Guests Can Go Along.”

I hereby denounce the New York Times’ irresponsible encouragement of dangerously unhinged anarchists. This country can’t afford such seditious rumblings in these troubled times.

Have you no shame, good sirs?

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IMAO Reader Theater: “Vacuum To The Butt”

Wacky Hermit of Organic Baby Farm presents: “Vacuum To The Butt”

Just keep watching… you’ll see why I posted it.


[Xtranormal direct link]

Take a hippie-punch at fame by creating your own IMAO-worthy video at Xtranormal (“If you can type, you can make movies“). Send a link to harvolson-at-gmail.com and I’ll give it a look. If it isn’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and it doesn’t suck too terribly bad, I’ll post it and let the readers throw roses and/or tomatoes at you.

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New Idea for Election Year

I’m always looking for new ideas for improving elections. The Founding Fathers did a pretty good job with their Constitution, but one day we’ll probably have to start over and do another and hopefully we’ve learned a few things to add some new stuff to improve things.

So here’s my idea: Every election year, we spin a big wheel, kind like the Wheel of Fortune wheel. And one of the spaces is labeled “Super Crazy Fun Election Time”. If that space is landed on, every elected official loses his job and has to be replaced with someone else. It’ll be wacky crazy fun!

There can be other spaces on the wheel to like “Veterans Get Two Votes”, “No Women Suffrage Bonus Round”, and “Election Winners to Be Picked Randomly from Phone Book”. It’ll make election year exciting!

What would you want on the Election Year Wheel of Chance?

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