Archive for April, 2010

Don’t Tread on Me… Or What?

Tuesday, April 27, 2010 3:04 pm

Rattlesnake are anti-treading.

Seen a lot of the old American slogan of “Don’t tread on me.” The only thing is that it’s kind of an incomplete statement. Why shouldn’t people tread on you? What happens then?

So, basically, the statement needs a second part. Here are some suggestions:

DON’T TREAD ON ME…

…or I’ll set you on fire and throw you off a building.

…or I’ll be like, “Hey! What’s with all the treading?”

…or you’ll make me angry. You won’t like me when I’m angry.

…or it’s a musket to the junk.

…or I’ll pass harsh, anti-treading laws.

…or I’ll draw depictions of Muhammad.

…or I’ll tell Fred Thompson on you.

…or I’ll throw rocks at your house in the middle of the night.

…or I’ll shoot British people in red coats.

…or I’ll talk very loudly and you’ll become irrationally scared I might get violent.

…or I’ll get violent.

…or I’ll support a political opponent to you who is more adverse to treading.

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Mexicans Are Going to Boycott Arizona

Tuesday, April 27, 2010 1:01 pm

Arizona may have thought its new bill on illegal immigration was all fine and dandy, but look at what Mexico just did. They put up a travel advisory for Arizona; now Mexicans may be less likely to come to the state. See, that’s what gets you when passing a new law: The unintended consequences.

Did you even know Mexico had like a whole government and everything that could issue travel advisories and what not? Apparently about half the government’s function is complaining about U.S. border enforcement.

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The Last Holdouts on Right to Carry

Tuesday, April 27, 2010 11:02 am

Forty states are right to carry, leaving only ten left where those rights are infringed. In those states its either always illegal to carry or a carry permit is only given out in special circumstances and a citizen has to argue why he deserves it. It would be really nice to have all states recognize a right to carry and get a system setup so that any law-abiding American citizen could carry a gun in all fifty states. But with federalism, if some states really don’t want that I guess they can have whatever laws they want.

So here’s an idea to make everyone happy. Congress could pass some new national right to carry helping states recognize each others carry permits, but states could get an opt out if they wanted. The governor of a state could submit a form explaining why his citizens are especially stupid and violent thus making a right to carry a problem there when it isn’t in any other state. A committee could then review those reasons and decide whether to grant a special exemption to the state from allowing right to carry. Sounds fair, right?

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Random Thoughts

Tuesday, April 27, 2010 9:13 am

Actual line from AZ bill: “Anyone in this state without a long form birth certificate will be deported to Kenya.”

Actual line from AZ bill: “Police can’t ask for your papers without cause with a fake German accent.”

Aww. They took Obama’s National Security Adviser off stage before he could tell us why bagels have holes.

Palestinians? More like “Enemy-estinians”!

I really hate it when people mistake common genius for my super, extra double genius.

I’m really looking forward to an opportunity to use the phrase “moral turpitude” in casual conversation.

Hmm. And I should also try to find out what other kinds of turpitudes are out there other than the moral kind.

Ross Douthat seems like an intellectual and also seems smart.

Why do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wear masks? Are they secretly Teenage Mutant Accountant Turtles by day?

“Are these the giant mutant turtles that attacked you?” “I don’t know. They were wearing masks. Plus they all look alike. Is that racist?”

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The Plague of ‘A’ Students

Monday, April 26, 2010 5:02 pm

P.J. Rourke has a good article on the problem we’ve had with A students running everything lately.

Now I’m an A student, but I’m like a super-duper extra smart one so I’m okay and won’t screw things up. See, I’m so smart that I know I’m smart and not to question myself because why would I come up with bad ideas with how smart I am. Like nuking the moon; that’s not just so smart no one else would come up with it, it’s practical.

So you should put me in charge if you want real smart solutions that involve space and robots and dinosaurs, not this faux-smart crap that involves interfering with the economy and adding to government. That’s the smart stuff dumb people do.

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Scaring Off Aliens

Monday, April 26, 2010 3:05 pm

Stephen Hawking doesn’t want us contacting space aliens because he thinks they could destroy us and just plunder our planet for its resources. He apparently came to this conclusion after lots of his super-smart physics thinking — or maybe after watching the movie Independence Day. Don’t worry, though; I have the solution.

We just make sure to send broadcasts of the original Star Trek episodes into space. Then aliens finding out about our civilization will see what happens to hostile space aliens: They get punched in the face by Captain Kirk. Hostile aliens will then avoid us not wanting to get punched in their face or their alien equivalent of a face.

Captain Kirk saves earth again.

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Reminder to GOP: I Can Be Bought

Monday, April 26, 2010 1:04 pm

Apparently the 2012 GOP hopefuls are all focusing on having a big online presence. I should remind them that a part of any online strategy for a Republican should be having a right-wing humor blogger completely in the tank for you. Thus it should be noted that I’m for sale, relatively cheap, and there are barely any right-wing humor bloggers more popular than me (maybe seven or eight).

Think of the help I’d be. If you bought me, I could use my wit shilling for you, like writing clever things like, “Huckabee is Hucktastic!” But if you don’t buy me off, I could use my humor against you, writing things like, “Huckabee? More like stupid Hickabee.”

I can even be bought for the Democrats. Just think of the boost for Obama if a right-wing blogger humor blogger were suddenly to become an Obama supporter saying things like, “I just can’t make fun of him. There’s nothing to make fun of; he’s too awesome. I even made an Obama ears hat to show my support.”

So anyway, just e-mail me for prices. You want me shilling for you rather than against you.

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Features of the New $100 Bill

Monday, April 26, 2010 11:05 am

Due to increased printing expenses, now costs $150.

So there is a new hundred dollar bill out to make things even harder for counterfeiters. Here’s some of the new features on it.

* Has a 3D hologram of Optimus Prime fighting a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

* Around the edges in microprint are the lyrics to “It’s All About the Benjamins.”

* To further confuse counterfeiters, on the back is the exact replica of the front of a twenty dollar bill.

* Under the portrait of Benjamin Franklin should be visible a tiny body holding up that giant head.

* On front in big letters is “DO NOT COPY” so counterfeiters can’t just claim they didn’t know.

* Also, in smaller letters, is a reminder that it’s not valid in the game of Monopoly.

* When held in sunlight, should see watermark of Benjamin Franklin’s arch-nemesis from an alternate universe: Fenjamin Branklin.

* Visible inside should be a security strip labeled: “Do not remove or government can’t track you.”

* Lot’s of splashes of color to celebrate the $100 bill having come out as our first openly gay currency.

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Random Thoughts

Monday, April 26, 2010 8:56 am

The Insane Clown Posse have a point: There are a lot of miracles all around us, and we should take time to notice them.

Also, I’ve taken advanced physics and can describe magnetic forces, but we don’t really know how magnets work.

NASA would like me to tell you that if the moon explodes soon, it has nothing to do with the secret space rocket.

I have a slogan the Republicans can use for the election this year: “Change we can change in.”

Actual line from AZ bill: “If someone looks Mexicany and doesn’t have his papers, you can whomp him with a stick.”

I wonder if the AZ law means I might finally have buyer for my Mexi-Cannon idea.

Actual line from AZ bill: “Dey took are jahbs!”

Illegal immigration is all America’s fault for having a border.

If an illegal immigration squish like McCain approves of the AZ law, then it obviously doesn’t go far enough!

I’m for getting rid of borders. Easiest way: Have America conquer all of earth.

New meaningless exclamation I’m going to try out for surprise/shock: “Bacon-eating Mohammad!”

A lot of people are saying they won’t go to AZ with all the bigots there, but Mexicans seem to like the place.

Who exactly is David Brooks’s audience? Who wants to read that?

I love the mature trees in our neighborhood. When we were in a new development, it was nothing but fart jokes from the trees.

Actual line from AZ bill: “One can’t be considered suspicious just because he’s Hispanic. He has to be REALLY Hispanic.”

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Best Thing Cheney Ever Did

Friday, April 23, 2010 5:01 pm

Cheney recently described him telling Senator Leahy to go “@#$% yourself” as the “best thing I ever did.” I don’t know; that kind of sells shooting a lawyer in the face with a shotgun short.

So what’s your favorite thing Cheney ever did? I liked the time he announced a speech in a desert just to trick protesters there so he could kidnap them and force them to work in one Haliburton’s underground uranium mines.

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A Riddle…

Friday, April 23, 2010 4:45 pm

The Democrat National Convention is held at the New Orleans Superdome. Every prominent Democrat politician, donor and activist is there along with many of the Hollywood glitterati, high-ranking progressives from the world of academia and many, many prominent labor leaders and personal-injury attorneys.

The adoring media, of course, is packed in alongside them all to provide us with wall-to-wall coverage of every minute and tell us all how wonderful they are.

Suddenly, there is a great shaking, and the earth opens up and swallows the entire stadium, which disappears without a trace. Despite a mighty effort on the part of the emergency crews, they can manage to find only one survivor.

Who was saved?

(more…)

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Is Obamacare Derogatory?

Friday, April 23, 2010 3:03 pm

Jon Stewart seems concerned that the term “Obamacare” is derogatory. Is it?

Well, it combines Obama’s very unpopular health care bill with Obama’s increasingly unpopular name, so, yeah, I guess it’s derogatory. If Obamacare were popular, then it would be complimentary. As it is, it’s pretty derogatory. It’s not fair to compare it to the term “teabagger” though as that was chosen because its the name of a vulgar sex act. I don’t think Obamacare is a vulgar sex act, and if it is, I really don’t want to hear what that is. I could only guess it would be very unpleasant and not at all consensual. “Just stop struggling; I promise you’ll love it!”

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Time for Everyone to Make Fun of Muhammad

Friday, April 23, 2010 1:01 pm

So Comedy Central censored a recent South Park for even mentioning Muhammad, and we have to start wondering if we’re going down a real bad path. As soon as we start not making fun of Muhammad out of fear, we’re going to be rewarding violence. Of course, it’s hard for Comedy Central to stand out alone doing it when so much of the other media in America has shown unwillingness to back them up.

I’m starting to realize that President Bush dropped the ball after the riots following the Danish Cartoons. The best response to that was to then encourage people to make even more fun of Muhammad and only stop when the violence stopped. Bush himself should have drawn a picture of Muhammad fighting Godzilla or something. That’s basic tit for tat: Bad behavior needs to be punished and good behavior rewarded.

Currently, we have a very perverse system where, since Christians behave themselves and don’t kill people, you can make fun of them (the same South Park episode demonstrated the double standard by depicting Jesus watching porn and Buddha snorting coke and that wasn’t censored). But since Muslims riot and kill, we can’t make fun of them. So, in summary: Behave, get made fun of, commit violence, get respected.

So, is anyone going to make a stand? Or are we going to let free speech get chipped by people who have no respect for freedom? I would really hope this is something all of America could get behind as it shouldn’t be a partisan issue. Right now there are hundreds of millions of Christians in America and no one worries for their safety if they make fun of them. Less than one percent of America is Muslim, though, and people fear for their lives about crossing them. What if we get more Muslims? I know we don’t want to invent a conflict or hurt the feelings of peaceful Muslims, but it’s better to draw out any problems now than let this erode us from the inside. It’s time for everybody to make fun of Muhammad.

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Obamacare Will Be Hugely Costly? Gasp and Shock!

Friday, April 23, 2010 11:01 am

Economic experts at Health and Human Services have concluded that Obamacare will cost a huge amount of money we don’t have.

Yes, this is apparently a revelation for some people… Obama for instance. Seriously, though, if you actually believed that Obamacare would save money, find a sturdy wall and pound your head against it. You’ll stop automatically when you’ve done it enough.

So is the only way to make Obamacare’s ends meet to make doctors slave labor? Don’t be too surprised if they do it. They’ve been selling Obamacare as trading in silly freedoms like being able to choose whether or not you buy health care for FreeSmarts™ like guaranteed health care. What’s a little more freedom for a lot more FreeSmart™?

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Random Thoughts

Friday, April 23, 2010 9:03 am

How is “Obamacare” derogatory? Is it because it makes it sound foreign?

Of course “Obamacare” is derogatory; that’s because the program is unpopular. If it’s popular, it will become complimentary.

Here’s a deal: We’ll call Obamacare whatever the left wants us to call it after we repeal it.

I hate how SarahK is bragging that she can feel the baby kicking but I can’t feel the baby yet! Stop picking favorites, baby!

I can be a powerful enemy, baby! And Obi Wan never told you the truth: I am your father!

Make every day Boxing Day.

Seen three episodes of the British Office now. Not quite getting it. A British sitcom is kinda in the uncanny valley. They seem a lot like Americans, but slightly different. And it’s creepy.

Not making fun of the prophet Muhammad is giving into terrorism.

Tit for Tat: If a group threatens violence for us doing something, we should do it even more.

I guess “Obamacare” is derogatory just like “Democrat” as an adjective is horribly vulgar for unknown reasons.

It’s human nature that once you get a shiny new idea, you run with it like crazy.

Q. Who is the great prophet of cows? A. “Moo-hammad” Heh. I love stupid puns.

The threat against Matt Stone and Trey Parker was pretty frightening. It read: “Derka derka Mohammad jihad!”

Earth Day Thoughts:

I won’t celebrate Earth Day until Mars also gets a day. Planet fairness now!

Earth isn’t even my favorite planet. It’s Gliese 581 d.

The Earth is 32.1% iron. Is that enough iron? Is anyone asking these questions?

The Earth turns 4,540,234,124 today, but it doesn’t look a day over 2,534,532,632. That’s due to erosion.

The Earth took God six days to create, ending one day ahead of schedule. God isn’t union.

If you really enjoy Earth, you can put a couple dollars in God’s tip jar. He’ll appreciate it.

Thank you Earth for having oil in you so we can put it in the cars and drive them! Vroom vroom!

Thank you Earth for killing the dinosaurs so they wouldn’t eat us! Please don’t kill us too!

Earth, you need to stop getting angry and shaking self at gay people and Satan pacts! You need calm down!

Thank you Earth for making teddy bears! They are my only friends!

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Compare & Contrast

Thursday, April 22, 2010 11:19 pm

So, Sam Aanestad got interviewed on the Fred Thompson Show, and I gotta tell ya, I hope he’s got bigger aspirations after Lt. Gov. of California.

Here’s an interview video I found on this guy:


[YouTube direct link]

Basically, he answers two questions:

Should California tax internet businesses?

and

Should California tax sugary drinks to fight obesity?

The short version of his answers:

“Are you nuts? That’ll cost California thousands of jobs!”

and

“Are you nuts? That’s what parents are for!”

Now, just imagine Obama’s answers:

“No… because it should be a Federal tax. Those fat cat business owners need to have their wealth spread around!”

and

“No… because it should be a Federal tax. Those super-fatty-fat-fat soda drinkers need to have their wealth spread around!”

Sam in 2012.

Anyway, if you like this guy, show him some love over here.

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Der Fuehrer’s Face

Thursday, April 22, 2010 10:13 pm

Conservatives think liberals are stupid. Because they are.

Liberals think conservatives are stupid. Because stupid liberals think stupid things.

There’s nothing — nothing! — that liberals and conservatives agree about.

Except Hitler.

We want our Hitler. And Constantin Film is taking our Hitler away.

I want Hitler parodies. Democratic Underground wants Hitler parodies.

Think about that.

There’s a socialist in the White House, the U.S. might shoot down Israeli jets if they attack Iran … but we agree that we want our Hitler?

Freakin’ Bizarro World.

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Barbershop Quartet Sing the Ewok Celebration Song

Thursday, April 22, 2010 5:04 pm

I’ll have to repost this if things go well in November:

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Fear of the Right Being Unhinged Is Making the Left Unhinged

Thursday, April 22, 2010 3:01 pm

So the guy who does the voice work for Geico ads heard on the internets that the Tea Parties are extremists so he decided he better call them up and yell at them, following the simple troll logic of:

STEP 1: Scream insults at people
STEP 2: ???
STEP 3: Profit!

He must have messed up step 2, because now he’s lost his job.

Now if rumors of Tea Parties being extreme are enough to get people to make unhinged rants and lose their jobs, how long until rumors of Tea Parties being violent makes the left violent? I think we’re already past that point.

So what do we do? I’m going to go with the standard conservative response: Nothing. Even if the left get all angry and stuff and try to slap us and what not, I can’t really pretend I’m scared. Still, this is getting annoying. The left were unhinged under Bush. Now, with their own president, they’re even more unhinged worried about losing power. Maybe with Obamacare, they should give them all free shots of something to calm them down.

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Celebrate Earth Day!

Thursday, April 22, 2010 1:04 pm

Earth, or a similar sized planet.

It’s Earth Day! Time to celebrate Earth!

And I just can’t tell you how much I absolutely hate all other planets. They just suck compared to Earth. Mercury is an angry little dwarf. Venus is a hot mess. Mars is a ginger. Jupiter is just a big smelly mass of gas. Saturn had to get rings to even try and be interesting. Uranus is a sex offender. Neptune is a weird loner. And Pluto… well that’s not even a planet anymore. And don’t even get me started on 47 Ursae Majoris b.

So what’s your favorite things about Earth? I love it’s molten core — Earth has a liquid center; how awesome is that? I also like its rotation speed. And it’s cool how it’s composed 32.1% of iron, so you know it’s structurally sound.

What I don’t like about Earth, though, is its moon. That thing creeps me out. It doesn’t even have a name. I want it gone.

Still, forget the moon. Today is the day we celebrate Earth. Go Earth! You are a good planet. I will lay down on the ground and give you a hug. My dog will probably pee on you, but ignore her; she is ungrateful.

So thank you Earth for being a good planet. You certainly will do until we eventually find something better. One with less earthquakes and volcanoes. What’s up with those?

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