Archive for May, 2010
As a treat for Memorial Day Weekend, I have a new article up at Pajamas Media. Liberals keep worrying about how conservatives’ extreme rhetoric could lead to violence, but they never seem to use introspection to draw on their own experiences with extreme rhetoric when making those arguments. It’s almost like they want to be pestering instead of effective.
Should creepy pervert journalists move next door to conservatives and leer at them? Joe McGinnis is writing a book about Sarah Palin and rented the house next to her family so he can stand on the back porch and stare into their yard while their children play. It’s not like he was secretive about it, though, as once he moved he came over and introduced himself, as the sex offender statute required. And all he is going to do is creepily gawk at them throughout the day, and so what if they can’t always see both his hands? That’s just journalism the way it’s always been — weird, creepy, and disturbing.
What do you think?
I think New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is IMAO’s favorite current politician. Here he is taking on some teacher complaining about her current pay when the state is going bankrupt:
Who would think that the reddest meat would come from one of the bluest states? Christie just eats liberal whiners for breakfast — along with three pounds of bacon (he’s fat). Here’s some liberal reporter whining to him:
And the guy is just going after the budget with a chainsaw, and he doesn’t care who complains about it. When he’s done, the only thing bloated in New Jersey government will be him (he’s fat).
I don’t know why we can’t find more like him. He’s like twice the fiscal conservative of any other politicians out there — which isn’t particularly efficient since he’s three times the size (why can’t I stop doing fat jokes!).
Anyway, when thinking about the future of the Republican Party, we really should keep an eye on Chris Christie — which is easy to do since he’s pretty hard to miss (I can’t help myself!).
I recently put up some action movie lines I thought of myself, and iOwnTheWorld.com was inspired by them to make a contest for coming up with some political action move lines and asked me to pick the winner.
The IMAO readers are probably wondering why I didn’t tell them about the contest. Well, maybe I was just thinking that unleashing the cleverness of IMAO readers on it would be unfair. Or maybe I didn’t know about it. You can pick one of those–whichever makes you feel better.
Anywho, let’s get to the winner. First, here’s a runner up, who wins… HIGH PRAISE!
From Javelina Bomb:
“The science is settled, you’re dead.”
And the winner of the contest, who gets a guest post at iOwnTheWorld.com, is cfm990 who wrote:
I hope you got your free health care, cause son, you’re gonna need it.
Congratulations to the winner! And dishonor and shame to the non-winners!
Lately in America it’s seemed very last seasony.
So on the question of bribing Joe Sestak with a job, Obama just said that he’s still working on his story?
With how long Obama has been working on his Joe Sestak explanation, I bet it will super explain things!
If his explanation works out, we should have Obama explain Lost next.
For the record, I wanted Bowersox to win American Idol because her name sounds like what Jack Bauer puts on before his shoes.
Someone in the New York Times was saying that while we currently have 5,113 nukes, we only need 311. I’m not sure how he got to that number (because then I’d have to read like the whole article), but does that sound even close to enough? Let’s say we got in a war with everybody — we couldn’t even nuke every major city with that few nukes.
Think of all the uses there are for nukes. There’s war with other countries — or just when we get really mad at another country. And then there’s asteroids heading for earth we may need to blow up. And possibly alien attacks. Or a city may get overtaken by zombies, and we have to neutralize it. Or there’s just a really large amount of brush that needs clearing. Or we don’t like how the moon is looking at us. Or we need to wake Godzilla. Or we’re just really bored and want to see a cool explosion. Does 5,113 even sound like enough for all that?
I’m okay with reducing our official number of nukes to 311 if that may get other countries to drop their guard, but then we should secretly raise our actual number of nukes to a nice big number like 100,000. We’ll just have to hide them well. Like every streetlight in New York City: A launchable nuke. People are all worried about us having too many nukes, but can you think of anything worse than needing a nuke and not having one?
No you can’t.
Sometimes I think Republicans are just unreasonably against Obama to the point that he can never win. Like everyone is saying to him that he needs to focus on job creation, so Republicans get all angry at him when he’s fiddling around with health care and working on cap & trade and playing in his sandbox and completely ignoring the issue. But what happens when Obama tries to finally get someone employed?
He can’t win!
Apparently when Obama offered Joe Sestak a job to get him to drop out of the Senate race, that’s like a “bribe” and “illegal.” That sounds just like business as usual in Chicago, so I can understand him being confused that everyone is acting like it’s a big deal. Poor Obama; he’s seemed so scared and frightened since becoming president, and it’s never getting any better. Instead of making some federal case out of this, can’t we just assign Obama to write a five-hundred-word essay on why bribery is wrong to show he learned a lesson?
So they’re going to build a mosque right next to ground zero in New York City, I guess to celebrate the triumph of Islam over buildings. Supposedly it’s made by “moderate” Muslims, but why would moderate Muslims want to help terrorists celebrate their murders? I mean, do those funding the mosque not know that the terrorists are going to take the building of a mosque there as a triumph, or do they just not care?
I remember when the 9/11 attacks were going to change things and we were all going to be a serious people, but it didn’t take long until the usual suspects went back to not taking serious things seriously — why worry about terrorism when there is food out there being over-salted? What we should learn from the mistakes of Europe is that if you actually want to survive as a nation, at some point you have to act like you actually care.
The Republican nominee for Congress for my district was born in Puerto Rico? That’s a whole other country!
If I may suggest a slogan for the Republican congressional candidate for Idaho district 1: “Labrador: Idaho’s best friend.”
I’m boycotting Porsche until they make their cars cheaper.
If our housecat was the size of our dog, I wonder how many times she’d kill me each day.
Chris Christie is like a real life Ron Swanson.
To those thinking Obama is doing a poor job handling the BP spill, in fairness to him, he hasn’t actually done anything.
I hear people are now getting my new t-shirt in the mail.
You can use the comments in this post to tell people how awesome the t-shirt is and why everyone else should buy one.
BTW, I hear that wearing one of my new t-shirts is a way to possibly get an invitation to join the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad.
As you all must know by now, America is in the midst of a disaster of massive proportions due to a giant hole that has, for far too long, been spewing toxic waste into our environment and wreaking further havoc on large sectors of our already severely wounded economy.
Until now, little if anything has been done to seal up this hole and contain the damage. In response to this crisis, Our Great Leader stepped forth and boldly demanded, in a manner befitting his vast leadership skills, that someone, “Plug the damn hole!”
And, at last, someone did…
Mark Twain wrote a memoir he didn’t want published until a hundred years after his death (that’s this year). That was probably so he could speak candidly of people at his time without those people still being around to get their feelings hurt. I don’t know if that’s the same as talking about people behind their backs.
I might do the same thing. I’ll make a memoir that isn’t to be published until a hundred years after I die. Then, a hundred years later, people will be like, “I wonder what Frank J. had to say about his time; he was like the greatest person in all of history and took care of that big rock that used to orbit the Earth — I forget what it’s called.” But then they’ll read the memoir and be like, “Hey! This is actually trashing us!” That’s because I invented a time machine (I’m a super genius), went a hundred years in the future, found out all about the people from then, and went back to my normal time and wrote a scathing critique of society a hundred years from now. Then, they’ll be angry but won’t be able to do anything about it because I’ve been dead for a hundred years — except I’m not! I’m right behind them and I beat them up.
I don’t like people from the future. I think it’s because they’re a bunch of know-it-alls.
So as to help the energy crisis, have we ever tried drilling for oil in Mexico? There should be a decent amount of oil there and some it should be on land so if we spill it, we just get it all over Mexico instead of the ocean.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: Won’t Mexico be all like, “Hey, that’s our oil! You can drill for it, you pesky gringos!”
Yeah, but then we’ll say, “Oh, so now the border means something to you.” And we can give Mexico a choice: You can act like a border is meaningful and not encourage people to illegally cross it, or we get to come over and drill all your oil.
Actually, either way, let’s just take their oil. We like oil.
“Plug the damn hole!” That’s what Obama told people the other day. Because that’s what a leader does. He yells stuff, and then stuff gets done. He’s seen it on TV.
GETTING STUFF DONE PLAN
STEP 1: Yell what you want done.
STEP 2: ???
STEP 3: Things get done.
I’m not sure step 2 is actually important.
I wonder why Obama hasn’t used this power before. Like everyone wants the economy to produce more jobs, so I don’t know why Obama hasn’t stared the economy in the eye and said, “Create some damn jobs!” I guess he was too busy working on his damn health care.
Anyway, a lot of people thought Obama should be doing something about the oil leak, so this is him doing something. I don’t really get that though; I thought by now we learned that if we have something really important going on, we should keep him away from it.
So is David Frum’s strategy really that if he just whines long and hard enough, everyone will become more moderate? Or is it a mistake to assume there is some sort of strategy behind whining?
I believe Frum is sincere in where he wants conservatives to be, he’s just not mature enough to approach that in a useful manner.
Internet Explorer reminds me a lot of a really fat guy who gets winded at even the slightest exertion.
People will finally push for a solution to the spill when we see pictures of helpless animals like birds, seals, and Obama covered in oil.
“The long-tailed pangolin is a land-dwelling mammal, much like a Nazi.”
I can’t wait to one day to tell my little Princess Buttercup, “You’re the biggest disappointment since the Lost finale.”
“Plug the damn hole!” It’s cute when Obama imitates leadership.
The theme of our baby room will be sensory deprivation.
It wouldn’t have taken years to build the Hoover Dam if Obama was in charge. He’d be like, “Build the damn dam!”
If you force a wildly unpopular program on people, it takes a lot of gall to complain about what people call it.
So Obamacare is offensive? What’s next? I’m not supposed to say Obamanazi?
The baby won’t kick for me. She’s a bad baby. Just for that, I’ll make Buttercup her FIRST name.
Meanwhile, pass ‘em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.
NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.
From Degenerate Pumpernickel:
From me (Harvey):
My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:
From Hart of That Hero:
From Hart of That Hero:
From Hart of That Hero:
From Peregrine John:
From Steve F:
From Steve F:
This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:
That’s America’s prettiest terrorist, Fievel Shazam. Let’s take this smirking-bitch media-darling down a couple notches.
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.
#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.
MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.
STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.
Send your submissions to firstname.lastname@example.org and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.
Wacky disgraced Congressman Eric Massa has accused General Petraeus and Dick Cheney of meeting together in some sort of “treasonous plot.” Do you think this could be about the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad? I find it encouraging, at least. No matter how bad things get, I know out there are Dick Cheney and his handpicked squad — probably led by General Petraeus — riding dinosaurs and armed with laser rifles ready to put things right.
Did you see that Joe Biden said that Brussels, Belgium, has a “legitimate claim” to the title of “capital of the free world”? How insane is that?
“Oh no! A new world war is breaking out! How will we save democracy?”
“Quick, let’s call Belgium and find out what to do!”
What are they going to do? Serve tasty waffles? When was the last time Belgium did anything, if ever? They’re like a nothing. If they were a character in a movie, they wouldn’t even be named in the credits and would instead be listed as “European Country Number 3″. Saying Belgium could have a legitimate claim to “capital of the free world” is like saying Aquaman could have a claim to the title “greatest super hero”… which if true means that next big crisis, we’re all dead.
“I’m here to stop the oil leak!” President Obama announced as he approached the oil-soaked beach.
“Oh,” the BP official said, “I didn’t think you were going to help.”
“I have been helping,” Obama said, “I’ve been yelling at you to do better. That’s a sort of helping. But then I thought of a way to stop the oil leak for good. Know what that method is?”
“Well… I guess we could–”
“Science!” Obama shouted gleefully. “I thought maybe we could use Science! to stop it.”
“Actually, we’ve been using–”
“I got all the best scientific minds together,” Obama continued, “and they were like, ‘Stop bothering us, Obama!’ Then they made fun of my ears. They were mean scientists and I don’t like them anymore. But in the end, Professor Science! agreed to come and use Science! to stop the oil leak.”
A man in an impressive white lab coat holding a test tube approached the shore. “It is I: Professor Science!, and I will stop this leak using… Science!”
“Yay!” Obama exclaimed, clapping his hands together excitedly.
“Now stand back, laymen,” Professor Science! said. “Make room for… Science!” Professor Science! approached the shore and held his test tube high. “By the power of Science!, I command the leak to stop!”
Everyone was silent for a few moments, waiting to see if anything happened. “Did it work?” Obama finally asked.
“The Science! on whether an oil leak is slowing is… complicated,” Professor Science! said, “but I think it’s… um… yeah, it’s slowing.”
“Yay for Science!” Obama shouted. “Well, I guess we’re done here. I’m going to go to Arizona now and yell at them for being racist.” He started heading away with Professor Science, telling him, “I read that it was racist on the internet.”
“The internet was made with Science!”
Alone on the shore, the BP official bowed his head. “I wish I thought of using Science!.”