Memorial Day

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The Key to Liberals Communicating with Conservatives

As a treat for Memorial Day Weekend, I have a new article up at Pajamas Media. Liberals keep worrying about how conservatives’ extreme rhetoric could lead to violence, but they never seem to use introspection to draw on their own experiences with extreme rhetoric when making those arguments. It’s almost like they want to be pestering instead of effective.

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Question of the Day

Should creepy pervert journalists move next door to conservatives and leer at them? Joe McGinnis is writing a book about Sarah Palin and rented the house next to her family so he can stand on the back porch and stare into their yard while their children play. It’s not like he was secretive about it, though, as once he moved he came over and introduced himself, as the sex offender statute required. And all he is going to do is creepily gawk at them throughout the day, and so what if they can’t always see both his hands? That’s just journalism the way it’s always been — weird, creepy, and disturbing.

What do you think?

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It’s Like Reagan Ate Limbaugh

I think New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is IMAO’s favorite current politician. Here he is taking on some teacher complaining about her current pay when the state is going bankrupt:

Who would think that the reddest meat would come from one of the bluest states? Christie just eats liberal whiners for breakfast — along with three pounds of bacon (he’s fat). Here’s some liberal reporter whining to him:

And the guy is just going after the budget with a chainsaw, and he doesn’t care who complains about it. When he’s done, the only thing bloated in New Jersey government will be him (he’s fat).

I don’t know why we can’t find more like him. He’s like twice the fiscal conservative of any other politicians out there — which isn’t particularly efficient since he’s three times the size (why can’t I stop doing fat jokes!).

Anyway, when thinking about the future of the Republican Party, we really should keep an eye on Chris Christie — which is easy to do since he’s pretty hard to miss (I can’t help myself!).

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Political Action Movie Lines

I recently put up some action movie lines I thought of myself, and was inspired by them to make a contest for coming up with some political action move lines and asked me to pick the winner.

The IMAO readers are probably wondering why I didn’t tell them about the contest. Well, maybe I was just thinking that unleashing the cleverness of IMAO readers on it would be unfair. Or maybe I didn’t know about it. You can pick one of those–whichever makes you feel better.

Anywho, let’s get to the winner. First, here’s a runner up, who wins… HIGH PRAISE!

From Javelina Bomb:

“The science is settled, you’re dead.”

And the winner of the contest, who gets a guest post at, is cfm990 who wrote:

I hope you got your free health care, cause son, you’re gonna need it.

Congratulations to the winner! And dishonor and shame to the non-winners!

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Random Thoughts

Lately in America it’s seemed very last seasony.

So on the question of bribing Joe Sestak with a job, Obama just said that he’s still working on his story?

With how long Obama has been working on his Joe Sestak explanation, I bet it will super explain things!

If his explanation works out, we should have Obama explain Lost next.

For the record, I wanted Bowersox to win American Idol because her name sounds like what Jack Bauer puts on before his shoes.

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How Many Nukes Do We Need?

Someone in the New York Times was saying that while we currently have 5,113 nukes, we only need 311. I’m not sure how he got to that number (because then I’d have to read like the whole article), but does that sound even close to enough? Let’s say we got in a war with everybody — we couldn’t even nuke every major city with that few nukes.

Think of all the uses there are for nukes. There’s war with other countries — or just when we get really mad at another country. And then there’s asteroids heading for earth we may need to blow up. And possibly alien attacks. Or a city may get overtaken by zombies, and we have to neutralize it. Or there’s just a really large amount of brush that needs clearing. Or we don’t like how the moon is looking at us. Or we need to wake Godzilla. Or we’re just really bored and want to see a cool explosion. Does 5,113 even sound like enough for all that?

I’m okay with reducing our official number of nukes to 311 if that may get other countries to drop their guard, but then we should secretly raise our actual number of nukes to a nice big number like 100,000. We’ll just have to hide them well. Like every streetlight in New York City: A launchable nuke. People are all worried about us having too many nukes, but can you think of anything worse than needing a nuke and not having one?

No you can’t.

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Obama Can’t Win with Republicans

Sometimes I think Republicans are just unreasonably against Obama to the point that he can never win. Like everyone is saying to him that he needs to focus on job creation, so Republicans get all angry at him when he’s fiddling around with health care and working on cap & trade and playing in his sandbox and completely ignoring the issue. But what happens when Obama tries to finally get someone employed?

Republicans want an independent investigation of Obama and are even threatening to maybe impeach him!

He can’t win!

Apparently when Obama offered Joe Sestak a job to get him to drop out of the Senate race, that’s like a “bribe” and “illegal.” That sounds just like business as usual in Chicago, so I can understand him being confused that everyone is acting like it’s a big deal. Poor Obama; he’s seemed so scared and frightened since becoming president, and it’s never getting any better. Instead of making some federal case out of this, can’t we just assign Obama to write a five-hundred-word essay on why bribery is wrong to show he learned a lesson?

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Mosque at Ground Zero

So they’re going to build a mosque right next to ground zero in New York City, I guess to celebrate the triumph of Islam over buildings. Supposedly it’s made by “moderate” Muslims, but why would moderate Muslims want to help terrorists celebrate their murders? I mean, do those funding the mosque not know that the terrorists are going to take the building of a mosque there as a triumph, or do they just not care?

I remember when the 9/11 attacks were going to change things and we were all going to be a serious people, but it didn’t take long until the usual suspects went back to not taking serious things seriously — why worry about terrorism when there is food out there being over-salted? What we should learn from the mistakes of Europe is that if you actually want to survive as a nation, at some point you have to act like you actually care.

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Random Thoughts

The Republican nominee for Congress for my district was born in Puerto Rico? That’s a whole other country!

If I may suggest a slogan for the Republican congressional candidate for Idaho district 1: “Labrador: Idaho’s best friend.”

I’m boycotting Porsche until they make their cars cheaper.

If our housecat was the size of our dog, I wonder how many times she’d kill me each day.

Chris Christie is like a real life Ron Swanson.

To those thinking Obama is doing a poor job handling the BP spill, in fairness to him, he hasn’t actually done anything.

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Yay! Another T-Shirt Post!

I hear people are now getting my new t-shirt in the mail.

You can use the comments in this post to tell people how awesome the t-shirt is and why everyone else should buy one.

BTW, I hear that wearing one of my new t-shirts is a way to possibly get an invitation to join the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad.

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Plugging the Hole

As you all must know by now, America is in the midst of a disaster of massive proportions due to a giant hole that has, for far too long, been spewing toxic waste into our environment and wreaking further havoc on large sectors of our already severely wounded economy.

Until now, little if anything has been done to seal up this hole and contain the damage. In response to this crisis, Our Great Leader stepped forth and boldly demanded, in a manner befitting his vast leadership skills, that someone, “Plug the damn hole!”

And, at last, someone did…

Continue reading ‘Plugging the Hole’ »

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100 Years Later Memoir

Mark Twain wrote a memoir he didn’t want published until a hundred years after his death (that’s this year). That was probably so he could speak candidly of people at his time without those people still being around to get their feelings hurt. I don’t know if that’s the same as talking about people behind their backs.

I might do the same thing. I’ll make a memoir that isn’t to be published until a hundred years after I die. Then, a hundred years later, people will be like, “I wonder what Frank J. had to say about his time; he was like the greatest person in all of history and took care of that big rock that used to orbit the Earth — I forget what it’s called.” But then they’ll read the memoir and be like, “Hey! This is actually trashing us!” That’s because I invented a time machine (I’m a super genius), went a hundred years in the future, found out all about the people from then, and went back to my normal time and wrote a scathing critique of society a hundred years from now. Then, they’ll be angry but won’t be able to do anything about it because I’ve been dead for a hundred years — except I’m not! I’m right behind them and I beat them up.

I don’t like people from the future. I think it’s because they’re a bunch of know-it-alls.

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Idea to Help the Energy Crisis

So as to help the energy crisis, have we ever tried drilling for oil in Mexico? There should be a decent amount of oil there and some it should be on land so if we spill it, we just get it all over Mexico instead of the ocean.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: Won’t Mexico be all like, “Hey, that’s our oil! You can drill for it, you pesky gringos!”

Yeah, but then we’ll say, “Oh, so now the border means something to you.” And we can give Mexico a choice: You can act like a border is meaningful and not encourage people to illegally cross it, or we get to come over and drill all your oil.

Actually, either way, let’s just take their oil. We like oil.

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Be a Damn Leader

“Plug the damn hole!” That’s what Obama told people the other day. Because that’s what a leader does. He yells stuff, and then stuff gets done. He’s seen it on TV.


STEP 1: Yell what you want done.
STEP 2: ???
STEP 3: Things get done.

I’m not sure step 2 is actually important.

I wonder why Obama hasn’t used this power before. Like everyone wants the economy to produce more jobs, so I don’t know why Obama hasn’t stared the economy in the eye and said, “Create some damn jobs!” I guess he was too busy working on his damn health care.

Anyway, a lot of people thought Obama should be doing something about the oil leak, so this is him doing something. I don’t really get that though; I thought by now we learned that if we have something really important going on, we should keep him away from it.

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